Author:detectivekit
Title:In Dich
Rating:PG-13
Author's Note:The title contains an old German song called "In dich". If you want to listen to it, you'll have to visit my account on I made some music video out of it. Hopefully you enjoy it.
That's my first fanfic in Alex's POV, so be gentle, please.
I plead for feedback. I'll even go down on my knees, if you want me to.
Summary:Alex listens to a song and her thoughts wander about a certain SVU detective.
Disclaimer:The original lyrics and music belong to PUR and EMI. I just translated them…or at least I tried to.
Anything else belongs to Dick Wolf. I would give everything to call Liv 'mine' but I prefer her on Alex's side!
In Dich
I go around my apartment while listening to a song I haven't heard in ages. I used to sing along with the singer when I was in Germany during my studies. I loved this song. I can't believe I had forgotten about it. I don't even know why I surfed the Internet for this special band. Maybe it's because I'm all alone on a Saturday night and I don't have an idea what else to do. The English version is quite good, even though I doubt that they ever get a chance in the US-charts.
And now I'm shocked just how true those lines are. I never really believed the lyrics, but I'm experiencing them at the very moment; with the most stunning woman I've ever met. When I look at her I could get lost. I could get lost in her deep brown eyes. Those eyes which are guarded by so many walls. Those eyes as rich and as delicate as some of my favorite chocolate. But I've to admit that's more about the whole package. Those full, red lips. Most of the time we're arguing I hang on her every word. I watch her mouth opening and closing in some kind of slow motion. Ever so often I try to hide the effect she has on me. I don't know if I'm any good at covering, but I can't stop myself from adoring her even though I know it's useless. I groan and listen to the first lines, leaving me suffering in my lonely apartment.
You defend against every deep look
And every word, that comes too close to you
You evade.
How can some stranger explain my tricky situation that good? There are hundreds and hundreds of walls I've already crashed into. Every time I thought I've ripped down a wall I stood in front of a new, thicker one. During some interrogations I took place in, I glanced over to her, trying to ease her pain. The pain that's invisible for most people but not for me. Not anymore. When I tried to sooth her after a case she took far too personal, tried to talk to her, tried to convince her that she had done everything possible; she pushed me away. It felt as though she didn't want me to get too close to her. As if she was afraid that I might turn the opposite direction as soon as I would really get to know her.
I've talked; I've explained myself to you
I trust you.
But you stay high-necked,
Just I undress.
At least I haven't done that in the full sense of the word. I really don't know how she would have reacted. On the other hand, maybe in case of Det. Olivia Benson 'straightforward' is the name of the game, who knows? I mean, I'm quite sure that we play for the same team. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in stupid clichés, but it's some kind of vibe I get from her. But just because she's gay, doesn't mean she has to have a thing for me. Mostly because I know that I'm way too bitchy when it comes to my work. It's just that my career is the only thing in my life that really means something to me. Except for Olivia of course.
Your true colors shimmer
Through facades, which you built up around you.
Give them eventually free.
I would give everything, even all of my trust funds, just to get the possibility to see the real Liv. Just to see her smile. A smile that lits up her whole face and reaches her eyes. A smile that's only for me. I know that sounds selfish, but I can't help it. Must got something to do with my upbringing. I chuckle bitterly. My family background may be the real reason why Olivia and I could never get started. Is there someone with whom Olivia's able to let her guard down? Why isn't it me? I'm sure that under the hard, confident cop mask is some vulnerable woman with a heart as big as the Empire State Building. Olivia is the most caring person I've ever met. She tries to stand up for the derelicts even if she's the one left behind. Liv never thinks about her own sake when it comes to a child's security. I guess that's the reason I fell for her in the first place. But then she comes home to an empty apartment with no one to hold onto. I would love nothing more than to take her in my arms at those moments and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, telling her that everything's going to be okay.
Let me in, let me to you.
Why do you put so many riddles on the
Way to your door.
Let me in, let me to you.
To spirit the lock on your soul away
I would give everything.
I start to realize that I barely know Olivia and still it feels as if we're met before. How could I get myself in this situation? A knock on my door startles me and I nearly drop the glass of wine I hold in my hand. I glance over to the clock and I'm even more confused. Who on this goddamned planet knocks on my door on a Saturday evening at 10 p.m.? Do they think I've got nothing to do on my weekend? Humor yourself, Cabot. I shake my head and peek through the peephole. My breath quickens and I've to close my eyes and open them again to believe what's in front of me or to be sincere WHO's in front of me. I swing the door open and am greeted by the most adorable picture my eyes have ever received. A shy Olivia with a small smile on her delicious lips stays in front of my apartment thrusting her hands deep down in her pockets.
"Sorry…I'm really sorry…for interrupting whatever you were doing, Alex, but I…I just…," Olivia seems to be on a loss. Does she know how cute she looks when she's babbling like this? She drives me crazy. I take a step back in my hall and let her enter the threshold.
"Come on in, you weren't interrupting anything in fact. I was just indulging reminiscences, while listening to an old song. Do you want something to drink?" She nods but doesn't seem to be able to look at me. What's wrong? God, have I been too obvious lately and she's here to tell me to back off? I go over to the kitchen and get her a glass of wine and refill my own. While being occupied in the kitchen I listen to the rest of the song and wonder if she gets some kind of hint.
Come on, give me your hand, don't be afraid.
The guardedness has far too long
Replaced the courage.
I hold on tight to you, dare you
Show me how good it feels
And how the curiosity grows.
Without protection. Without distrust.
Into an adventure, the opportunity,
Clear yourself.
Let me in, let me to you.
Why do you put so many riddles on the
Way to your door.
Let me in, let me to you.
To spirit the lock on your soul away
I would give everything.
A kiss, which bursts open every boundary,
Opens up the sky,
Presents stars,
Is so much bigger than the fear,
Behind which you hide yourself.
When it becomes good, you nearly startle.
Let me in, let me to you.
Why do you put so many riddles on the
Way to your door.
Let me in, let me to you,
The lock on your lust,
To stroke it away completely
I would give everything.
By this last strophe I'm back in my living room. Olivia stands in front of my big window, staring ahead of her, and the only visible thing is her back. I can hear her whimper, see her shiver, feel the air tighten around me. It breaks my heart to see the ever so strong detective this weak. I go over to her, putting our glasses down on the coffee table on my way. I lay my hand on her shoulder and squeeze it lightly. When there's no resistance, I turn her around and pull her in my arms. I don't know where this courage is coming from but I know for sure that I can't take the picture of Olivia crying. I put my arms around her waist and pull her closer. Even though the circumstances of this situation are everything but erotic I feel my heartbeat fastens. All of a sudden she pulls away from me, taking some steps backwards, out of my embrace. God, Alex, what have you done now? You should have known better than to take advantage of this kind of situation. I don't even dare to look Olivia in the eyes right now. She sure as hell thinks I'm insane. It's obvious that Liv came over here to talk to a friend, to have some fun, to forget about the day and its cruelties. I sigh and want to start apologizing when I hear Olivia's tear-stained voice.
"I'm sorry…I didn't want to break down in front of you…I…that's something I don't do. I mean, I come over on a Saturday night, interrupting your weekend." Do you know how much it hurts to see the one you're in love with that fearful? I want to take her hand and reassure her that everything's gonna be just fine, but I know better than to interrupt Liv once she started.
"I know it sounds ridiculous, but…this song you were listening to…is this how you see me?" Olivia asks me, raising her eyes to mine. For the first time since I've known Olivia I can see right through her. There are no walls, no guards which are hiding the real feelings of Detective Olivia Benson. And what I'm looking at puzzles me. Fears. Uncertainty. Uneasiness. But above all I can see love. I'm taken aback. Love for me? I try to speak by opening my mouth, but no words are leaving my lips. I stare at her. Is this really possible? I have to say something. Come on, Alex, you know your way around juries. Sure, you can tell this woman what you need to.
"I used to listen to this song years ago. It's really lovely…to be honest, yeah, I was thinking about you. It's just that it seems as if I can't get through to you no matter how hard I try. And sometimes it confuses me. I just wish I could get to know the real Liv. The one who lets down her guard with me. The one who takes me to bed with. The one who wants me to hold her…God that sounded crazy. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said this." Suddenly I feel nervous and unsure. Maybe Liv had worked on a warped case today causing her to act un-Benson-like and I went all over her.
"Do you…Are you serious?...I know there are a lot of walls you're going to collide into. But…I never…It's the first time…I never felt this way before and I know it's something special, something I want to experience. Alex, I'm sure it's not going to be easy, at least with our working history, there will be quite a number of arguments and I have a hard time opening up, but with you it's easier….I love you, Alex. It's crazy, I never thought I could say those words to someone and now it seems as if these words have lived in my heart forever and just waited for you to disclose them." Tears are streaming down my face and I have no idea what to say. Who thought that the strong cop could be that romantic? I feel her hand on my cheek, wiping off my tears. I lean into her palm and close my eyes. This feeling deep inside me is overwhelming. I look up at a smiling Olivia. Her warm brown eyes are looking in my eyes and at my lips and then again in my eyes. I get the hint. I take a deep breath and close my eyes again before I finally feel her full lips on my own. I don't hear anything, I don't smell anything, I don't feel anything, I don't taste anything but Olivia. My Olivia.
Fin
A/N: It's just some short thing that popped into my mind while brooding about the continuations of my other two fics and two music videos. There's nothing special about it and I don't even like the end very much, but it's Alex/Liv and so I had to publish it anyway.