"Black… all important fics begin with a dark screen." Batman's raspy voice said, upon a dark, empty screen. The screen faded into Batman, sitting on an inflatable in his bathtub, eating a lobster.
"This… this hits the spot." Batman moaned as he devoured the crunchy feast. "...'puter, what time is it?" Batman asked.
"It is currently 9:27 pm." 'Puter said.
"Gasp!" Batman said out loud, instead of gasping. "I have to go patrol the night, and stop bad guys in their tracks!"
Batman jumped out of the bathtub and made dashed through Wayne Manor, heading to the Batcave. Batman pulled out his iPhone and dialed his family in a group call. "Dick! Barbara! Alfred! Let's get suited up! Time for us to stop crime across Gotham!"
"Um… Batman? Have you not seen what's going on?" Barbara said over the phone. Batman slid to a stop.
"What? Oh no, is Superman showing off again?" Batman asked. "I told him to not try to stop crime here! This is my turf! He can go jack off his kryptonite somewhere else."
"Master Wayne, please go outside and see for yourself." Alfred said.
"I'm gonna go tell that goddamn alien Pretty Boy off…" Batman said, marching toward the front door of Wayne Manor.
When the door burst open, Batman jumped in shock. The entire city of Gotham was flooding with an oozy brown and yellow substance. The unknown elixir flowed slowly through the streets, as if it were some form of molten lava.
"Batdad? Please tell me you can make the stinky smell go away." Dick innocently asked over the phone.
"What. The. Heck. Is. This." Batman shouted. He took a big long whiff of the stink arising from the odd-looking sea of sewage-like substances.
"That smells… weird. But honestly, a good kind of weird, you know?" Batman said.
"What? No. I don't know. It smells awful." Barbara said.
"But… I kind of like the smell!" Batman said.
"Batman. Please stop talking before I want to stop working with you anymore." Barbara harshly demanded.
"Master Bruce, I advise you, from my own experience, to keep any kinks like that to yourself." Alfred stated.
"Kinks? What are kinks?" Dick asked.
"Umm… go make sure the kids at the orphanage are okay, Robin." Batman said.
"Okay, Batdad!" Dick hung up and the rest continued their phone conversation.
"Alfred, you have kinks?" Batman asked. "So, uh, just out of curiousity… what are they?"
"Auto erotic asphyxiation to be exact, sir. But that's not important right now." Alfred said.
"Holy shit! You mean like, choking yourself while jacking off? The strokey chokey?" Barbara asked.
"Yes." Alfred said.
"The blue-face blastoff?" Batman continued.
"Yes." Alfred said.
"The funky Spiderman?" Barbara asked.
"Woah, but Spider-man sucks. Not as much as Iron Man, but-" Batman said.
"Bruce! Barbara! We must go to Arkham and make sure this isn't a scheme by Bruce's boyfriend!" Alfred said.
"B-boyfriend? Pffft, I don't know what you're talking about…" Batman said, sheepishly.
"Batman... please just go to the Batboat and meet us at Gotham." Alfred, sighed, smacking his head.
"Honestly think I'm gonna walk, the weather's real nice over here…" Said Batman, as he began wading through the icky brown and yellow substance.
"BATMAN! STOP WITH YOUR-" Barbara started but Batman hung up and threw the phone into the sludge.
"This is… really nice feeling. Real nice and moisturizing on the old bat-thighs." Batman said to himself as he trudged through it. As he was, a rain storm started to pour into Gotham.
"Oh no, I hope this rain doesn't cause the stuff to flow away." Batman said, in worry. Then, the rain started to pick up, and the odd substance began to flow like a mudslide. "No… no… NOOOO!" Batman shouted as it flowed him straight to the edge of Gotham, a cliff that leaded into the huge empty void. Batman was caught in the flow, gasping to breath as he drowned beneath it. Much of it got into his mouth… however, he did enjoy the taste a bit. Before he knew it, he fell into the void.
Batman woke up in a cold, dark room on the floor.
"God… what happened? I can't feel my legs… or move my legs. What the heck." Batman said. His eyes adjusted to see that nothing around him was made from bricks anymore. The most he could see was some sort of table, with all of Gotham resting on top. The strange substance was still there.
"Oh no… is this…" Batman wondered to himself, and he saw a human man walk over and pick him up.
"The man upstairs!" Batman screamed in his mind. He saw the Will Ferrel-esque face of the man. "Am… am I dead?" Batman thought to himself. Then the man upstairs spoke.
"Oh no… I'm gonna have to call a plumber." Will Ferrel said, looking upon the table of Gotham City. "The pipes leaked piss and shit all over the LEGO sets!" Will wiped Batman off on his shirt and placed him on another, clean table.
"What- what's going on?" Batman thought to himself. The man went upstairs, leaving Batman alone with his thoughts for several minutes. Soon, the man returned with another man, wearing plumber attire.
"Man, being in a polyamorous relationship with my wife and my plumber husband has its perks!" Will Ferrel shouted.
"Wh-what." Batman thought.
"It sure does!" Said the plumber husband. He looked at the shit and piss covered table in front of them. "You know, this reminds me of how we meet!"
"Oh yeah! I remember when I first had that leak of piss and shit all over my old apartment. We fell in love at first sight, and then immediately made out in it." Will Ferrel said.
"Wanna do it like old times?" The plumber husband asked, flirtatiously.
"You took the words right out of my mouth!" Will Ferrel said, jumping onto his plumber husband. The two fell backwards onto the table of gotham, knocking the entire thing over. The two rolled over making out in the piles of poop, piss, and broken LEGO.
Batman stared in horror as his city was being destroyed, and he was helpless to do anything.
"No… no! Move, goddamnit, move!" Batman shouted in his thoughts, and he tried wildly to shake. Eventually he managed to actually move and fall off the table. Will and his plumber husband noticed that Batman's minifigure was wildly shaking.
"Woah… LEGO Batman came alive!" They said. "Wanna join us?" They asked.
Batman looked toward Gotham, and noticed that the city was actually evacuated. He gasped as he realized that the two men moved all of the minifigures to the LEGO City area before starting their sexual adventure.
"Oh, so you're not destroying my friends, huh?" Batman said, suddenly being able to speak in the real world.
"Yep!" The two husbands said.
"...I guess I'll join! You two are pretty hot dudes!" Batman said. Batman jumped in between them and soon, the two adult human men were having a threesome with a LEGO minifigure of Batman while rolling in shit and piss. Having a LEGO minifigure crawl around the body, including on the penis and into the warm and moist cavern of the asshole, was actually quiet painful. But they liked the pain.
Hours later, the two men and Batman were done with their scat-filled threesome sexscapade.
"So, can you guys gonna let me back into my dimension?" Batman asked.
"Of course!" The two said, dumping Batman into a secret portal so he arrived back in Gotham. Batman arrived there to see most of the buildings destroyed, and all of his friends evacuated. But he didn't care. He just had the sexiest night of his life.
Back in the real world, the Plumber Husband and Will Ferrel were standing in the room.
"We should really clean this mess up soon." They said.
"You know, our son is just getting to the age where he may enjoy LEGOs. And after what we just did, I do NOT want him down here. We should set a rule… no playing with daddy's toys in the basement. They're just for display." Will Ferrel said.
"Sounds like a good idea!" The plumber husband said, as he and his husband began cleaning up.
The end. Also I fucking hate myself and want to die why did I write this garbage.