A/N: Yes, another one-shot song-fic! Yay! I apologise in advance for the cheesey ending! Lyrics are from "Always" by Bon Jovi
He silently walks the corridors at night when no one can see him. He lingers around the control room briefly, surveying everything in there. All as it should be. All perfectly normal. Then he moves down the corridor towards her room. And there he stops, listening to the sound of her breathing. The whole place is in darkness, but as his eyes adjust he can make out her shape in bed. He can imagine her face; he's always imagined her face in all situations.
It hurts, this watching and waiting. Waiting for what he doesn't know. Because she can't see him anymore, can never see him again. She'll never see how he aches for her now, never see the pain etched across his face, his blue eyes once so bright, now turning grey and dull. Because he doesn't exist for her anymore, no matter how much she wants him back. And she does. Or she did. He doesn't know anymore.
He feels a bit stupid for feeling this way anyway; after everything he's seen, everything he's done, it's meaningless what he feels now. Just some stupid feelings, human feelings at that. Wallowing in self pity and pain, when he should really accept it all. It's nothing too awful in the grand scheme of things. Not really.
"It's been raining since you left me, now I'm drowning in the flood. You see I've always been a fighter, but without you, I give up."
It was strange, but when he sent her away, he somehow felt part of him go with her. Like she was part of him, he was part of her. Connected for eternity. It's all poetical nonsense of course, but he feels he can indulge in some of that kind of thing now. Who can deny the dead anything?
Feeling that she'd gone, he felt some of his resolve weaken. What was there left to fight for? A few meaningless humans, the universe, himself. Why bother? Why not let the fleet take over? It didn't matter anymore. Like Jack had said, she's safe. As long as she was safe, what difference did the future or past make? What was he without her anyway?
"Now I can't sing a love song like the way it's meant to be, well I guess I'm not that good anymore, but baby that's just me."
She would never have believed it of him anyway. Even if he could have said what he felt, forced the words through those lips… she'd have laughed it off. He'd tried enough times but it never came out right. Those three small words evaded him every time and just came out as something sentimental or silly. I could save the world but lose you.
But he could say it and she'd believe it. He could have made her believe anything he said. Because she was hopelessly in love with him more than she'd ever felt for him. He's sure of that. There's nothing wrong with some healthy competition, he supposes… but how can you compete with yourself?
"And I will love you always. I'll be there forever and a day always. I'll be there till the stars don't shine, till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme, I know when I die, you'll be on my mind and I'll love you always."
He feels deep inside that this time it is forever. He's had so many companions in the past, people keeping him company as he makes his weary way around the universe. And he liked them, of course he did. Anyone he didn't liked would have been ejected swiftly, like Adam. But Rose… this is something else. She's more than his friend, more than a new companion. She came back for him… his feelings run into more than gratitude for that. She lived up to his every expectation and more, she proved she was worth much more than any of the others. And then he'd had to leave her, and it's unfair. So unfair.
He's going to feel this way forever. He can feel it, dragging him down, twisting his insides out. Because what use is love if you can't hold it or kiss it? His feelings are trapped a million miles from the one he loves. But they'll be there, forever.
"Now your pictures that you left behind are just memories of a different life, some that made us laugh, some that made us cry, one that made you have to say goodbye."
One night, in a daring move, he ventured close enough to her to touch her. And in that moment he saw right into her head and saw all the images that had been crowding in upon each other, like snapshots of her life in a slideshow. He'd recognised so many, from all their travels together. But there were some he didn't, and he slowly realised that it was because he hadn't been there. There were pictures from a hospital, with cats of all things. Pictures from a castle that he'd never seen before. Then he knew what it was. These were new images, new things she'd seen… with him.
The pictures of their life together were being pushed aside to make way for these new ones. It was like she was leaving it all behind, moving on. And he couldn't bear, couldn't stand to think that she might have forgotten him. Just put him aside like he didn't matter. Oh, he knew she had to move on, had to embrace this next part of her life. But couldn't she have left a little room for him?
"What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair, to touch your lips, to hold you near, when you say your prayers try to understand, I've made mistakes, I'm just a man."
His biggest mistake was never telling her, never saying those words. He missed so much. He'd imagined everything, how her hair would feel, how her lips would taste. He'd missed out entirely on what could have been with her. And now he walked around late at night, thinking about what could have been.
He hoped she understood. He hoped she knew that he had no choice but to leave. He hoped she knew why he'd sent her away, and that he'd never meant to hurt her. He hoped she understood that no matter what powers he had at his fingertips, no matter what he could do, there were some things that were just out of his reach, that he couldn't even begin to attempt. He'd made so many mistakes, and not telling her how he felt was just one of them. But he hoped she knew.
"When he holds you close, when he pulls you near, when he says the words you've been needing to hear, I wish I was him cause those words are mine, to say to you till the end of time."
This jealousy was ridiculous. What choice did she have but to turn to him? He wasn't there to hold her when the nightmares got too much and she woke up screaming. He wasn't there to kiss her tears away and tell her everything would be alright. He couldn't say the words she needed to hear, that it still the same, still the same old Doctor… just different. He should have explained it all a long time ago instead of leaving it to him.
She was much more tactile with him. Maybe he was a huggy kind of person. She'd never hugged him half as much. He knew it was petty but it hurt that she seemed to have moved on that easily. Like he didn't matter. Like he'd never existed.
"I will love you always, I'll be there forever and a day always. I'll be there till the stars don't shine, till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme and I know when I die, you'll be on my mind, and I'll love you always."
He didn't entirely trust him with her. Oh, he knew he'd looked like he was abandoning her on so many occasions, but he never actually would have done. He'd never just have left her like he had on that spacestation, whilst he went after some French floozy. Leaving her up there, thousands of years in the future, just standing. How could he have done that?
If he'd been able to stay with her… he'd have been there for her till the end. Forever. It wasn't just words with him, it would have been forever. He'd seen whole planets and stars and solar systems collapse. He'd seen the Fall of Arcadia. He'd have been by her side through anything and everything, whatever the universe could throw at them. He'd have tried endless ways to keep her with him, he knew that there had to be a way somehow that they could be together forever.
And more than all that heavenly nonsense. He'd be there no matter what she was going through. He'd seen her crumble at her father's death, he'd seen her fall out of love with Mickey. He'd seen her be blinded by a bit of jiggy pokery by Jack. He'd seen her fight with her mum. For God's sake, he'd been slapped by Jackie Tyler! That had to prove something. That he loved her no matter what. And he always would. He wondered if the same was true of him. He seemed more than willing to leave her at the first sign of trouble. Amateur.
"If you told me to lie for you I would."
He's lied to her so many times, about all sorts of things. Who he is, what he does, what he can do. And he's sure he'll lie in the future, telling her untruths to save her. Keeping her safe, that's what it's all about, making her happy and keeping her safe. He can feel himself starting to let go, starting to admit defeat. Because he can't do those things anymore. Because he doesn't exist.
"If you told me to die for you I could."
He died for her. He died because he couldn't stand to lose her, because he knew in some shape or form he could live on and be with her but if she died… He was selfish; he knew he'd never last without her. And it hurts him now that she's moved on. The dead don't like being left behind. But it hurts him more to think that she can't accept the new him, see beyond the silly suit and the toothy grin and the floppy hair. It hurts him to see her upset and floundering and wondering where her Doctor, the man she trusted, has gone. He sometimes wonders if he did the right thing. But then she smiles, and he knows he did.
"Take a look at my face, there's no price I won't pay to say these words to you."
If he could find a way to speak to her, he would. Anything, he'd do anything for her to be able to see him again, hear him again. But there is nothing he can do. This is the most he can do, wander these corridors and gaze at her whilst she's asleep.
He's risking a lot being here at all. When he died he should have let him be. He's not even sure what could happen if he were to bump into him. It's all a bit risky. But worth it. Because he still can't let her go.
"Well there ain't no luck in these loaded dice, but baby if you give me just one more try, we can pack up our old dreams and our old lives, and find a place where the sun still shines."
"I though it was you."
He jumps at the voice and whips round from the door. To face him. He expects thunderclaps and lightning bolts, he expects time to fall apart. But it doesn't. And he partly wonders why.
"You're dead," he says matter-of-factly. "You can't hurt anyone." He moves closer and looks in the door too at where she lies. And an expression comes over his face that he recognizes.
"She can sense you, you know. She's told me she thinks you're still around." He looks at him. He speaks abruptly. "It doesn't help, you know? It doesn't help her. And it doesn't help us."
He nods. He knows it. Suddenly, more than anything, he wants her to forget him, to move on with him, to live that fantastic life. Which she can't do if she's still being haunted by a long dead ghost. He takes one last look at her sleeping, letting her image imprint upon his memory. Then he slips away, as silently as he came.
"Thank you." The Doctor leans against the doorframe and watches his Rose sleeping. "I'll take good care of her. Always."