Author: detectivekit

Title: Love hurts

Rating: PG-13

Author's Note: This is my first "Law and Order: SVU", above all English fanfic ever. I just experienced this whole stuff all by myself and I needed to write everything down. You know, I tried to liberate myself from all those bad memories. Therefore I used Olivia. Before I start this sad, terrific thing I want to make sure that you know that I really want Alex and Liv to be together, but in this case it was not possible. Sorry. Liv's POV.

Summary: How does it feel like to pour out your heart in front of someone who just wants to be friends?

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Dick Wolf, I do not own anything. I just borrowed those characters and played with them (Olivia is a really good companion in playing dirty strip poker ;-)), but they will get them back by the time I'm done with them...

Love hurts...

I told her everything without even knowing the reason for it. My head pushed me to shut up, to close my mouth, to remain silent. But than there was my heart forcing me to come out with the truth, with the hidden feelings deep inside me. It had been a battle, which I knew would have been won by my soul sooner or later.

It was one of those evenings we usually celebrated a won case. This going-out-scenario was a way to calm down and forget about all those crimes, massacres and those outrages pretended to be made out of love. We that mean Elliot, Fin, Munch, the Captain, me and her, Alex, sat around a table, trying to get over this terrifying case that lay behind us. The atmosphere was quite well; otherwise I wouldn't have got myself around to tell Alex how I felt about her.

I don't really know how long I already carried these hidden feelings with me before this night back there in the bar. The first time I laid my eyes on her I knew that it would be a tough job, trying not to fall in love with her. Sometimes I caught myself staring at her when no one would watch. This glasses she wore drove…no, they still drive me crazy. She just looks so damn sexy that it takes every bit of willpower not to take her right then and there on her desk. And with this night I screwed up everything that might have been. No, I don't think that Cabot is into women, not after what she just said; she said without caring about what she did to me. I mean I have never felt so awfully ashamed about myself. Not even at the moment my mother told me my father was a rapist and I was just some product of violence- no love. Maybe that is the reason why I never got into a real relationship. Alex…Damn just thinking about her makes my entire soul cry. My heart arches like fucking hell and I just want to lock myself in my bedroom, never coming out again. That way I would not have to look her in the eyes again. Never ever seeing this disgusting look in her eyes, giving me the impression that I'm the same little bastard my father was.

We started to get good friends. You know, we went to dinner for a few times and we even watched a movie together after a very hard week with perps calling us bitches or something like that. I couldn't tell you what the movie was about even if the president of the US in person had asked me. All I was focused on was this woman sitting next to me. Alex wore one of her shorter skirts, so I had a very good sight of her long legs. I remember imagining kissing and stroking these legs. At some point during the movie she caught me staring at her and I blushed like never before. It took quite some time until I recovered from the frightened look I saw in her eyes - even in the darkness. Maybe Alex already sensed something back there in the cinema. After this night I talked to Elliot. OK, I didn't do it voluntary; he forced me to talk to him and I was kind of too exhausted (You can imagine how much I slept after this movie…), so I had given in very easily. He asked me what was going on with me and everything I could think about was our ADA Alexandra Cabot, as a result I told him.

"Are you trying to tell me that you're in love with our arrogant ADA? Wow, that's way out of what I had imagined…" these were the first words that escaped Elliot after I whispered something incoherent – even to my ears.

"I guess so. I don't know how I could get myself into this shit. I mean just look at her, El, every pore of her screams 'straight'. Plus she's from old money. You know, right from the start I tried to focus on everything but her…Maybe it was her smile, the love for her work, her kicking-ass attitude that finally got under my skin. And now I try to spend as much time with her as humanly possible and at the same time it hurts like hell. Fuck, El, how do I get myself out of this dilemma?" I nearly got myself to tears at this statement. Afterwards I tried to pretend that everything was just fine and Alex never asked. I guess she was too afraid of the answer she might have heard. We got along very well even though it ripped my heart out every time I was around her, but unable to touch her, to reassure her that she would make the case and would get the bastard behind the bars.

The bar was stuffy and crowded but for me it was the paradise because she was sitting next to me. We shared body heat and sometimes she reached for my hand or just smiled at me. I love her smile. It lits her whole face up. But a real smile of hers, the one that reaches her eyes, that was rare. And this night Alex flashed me three. Normally one of those smirks appeared once in a month. This gave me support in gathering the courage to ask her for a conversation. Maybe the mood the usually collected Alex Cabot was in did the rest. Elliot looked over to me and gave me an encouraging smile, implying that I was about to do the right thing. I took a deep breath before I asked her if she hadn't got five minutes for me. I think my exact words were something like this:

"Hey Alex…Do you…I mean, could I may talk to you? I just need five minutes. We don't have to do it right now, so…" I stammered. Before I could get any further, her hand reached for mine and she stood up. Alex smiled widely at me as she said that I absolutely knew how prying she was, so that she couldn't wait any longer. We sidled through the crowd. It took us some time before we finally found a quite place. I was nervous as hell and wasn't able to look her in the eyes. I felt like a child who was going to tell her parents that she did something forbidden. That's why I stared down at my hands as if I had gotten an eleventh finger. My hands were shaking badly as well as sweaty. Alex glanced at me full of expectations, but I couldn't find the right words. I had waited so long to talk to her, to tell her the truth about me. However, through out those scenarios I never had faced Alex in person. Deep down inside me, I hoped that Alex felt the same way about me even though I knew she wouldn't, but a woman can dream, can't she? And I did. I imagined that Alex would look shocked in the first place, but that this expression would be replaced by a touched one at nearly the same moment. I dreamed that she would come closer and closer until our lips would meet one another. I pictured that this kiss would be gently at first and than turn into a more passionate one. I fantasized that we would go out of this bar together, hand in hand, convincing each other that we were pure, deeply and madly in love. God, how wrong had this dream been? I looked up at her starting to realize that I couldn't get away from this situation I had created all by myself.

"Maybe you noticed my curious behaviour lately…back in the cinema or sometime during work. There is a really easy explanation. An explanation that could change everything. An explanation which I'm so damn afraid of. So afraid that I kept it a secret…I just don't know how to start…" Alex glanced even more confused at me. But how do you explain a very straight woman that you have fallen head over heels in love with her –as a woman? That's a question for which I haven't found an answer till right now.

"OK…but I don't really understand what you're talking about, Olivia!" Alex sighed and tried to push me to go on. I glanced over to her and was caught in this deep blue ocean of her eyes. I never recognized just how blue her eyes were till this day. I never recognized how red her lips were, how kissable. They screamed for me, they wanted to be touched by me. At the exact same moment I comprehended that I would never be able to. Everything seemed so unfair…so, it still seems that way. Why do you fall in love with someone and experience the best damn feeling existent when you aren't able to fulfil it? How is it possible that something as sweet and pure as love could turn into something painful and frightening?

"Around you I behave differently…I can't be myself because I'm scared to death. I pretended that everything was fine that my whole soul didn't scream for a release, but I can't go on with it, that's why I needed to talk to you…Maybe I should start with something easier. You know. I…God, I never thought it would be that hard." Again I began to babble without a concrete concept of what to say. I was never ashamed of being bisexual, because this is just who I am. But during some cases involving gay people I got the feeling that Alex wasn't utter tolerant about this way of life. I looked up again. That was when I saw Munch approaching us. I was going to tell this stunning woman in front of me that I had fallen for her and the ol' good Munch was interrupting us. I should have taken this as a premonition!

"Sorry ladies, but have you seen Fin? I need my private chauffeur!" Hell, he did in fact interrupt us for such a nullity. If I hadn't been so focused on my next steps, I would have socked him on the jaw. After Alex and I told him, that we weren't certain about "the actual location of his driver", the blonde already got her attention back to me.

"You were about to tell me something that seems to be very important to you." God, if she had known just how true this was, I assume she wouldn't have pushed me.

"Yeah, that's true. You know, this isn't easy for me. Above all this is because I sensed your attitude towards the whole issue. But I can't stand the pain of hiding any longer." I stopped. That had already been very hard, and I hadn't even started with the root of the matter. I didn't know how I should get through this evening without disgrace. But I had finally made up my mind. And there were no other options. I mean, I couldn't run away or pretend that I'm not in fact Detective Olivia Benson. Right, I'm one of New York's finest Detectives so I couldn't just funk out.

"I'm bisexual…that means in fact, that I swing both ways…I know that this is somehow very surprising for you because I kind of hide my sexuality. I just think that it's no public business…OK…that was the easier part of this conversation, I guess." I wasn't able to look her in the eyes, afraid of what I might have seen there. At least I was talking to ADA Cabot, one of the straightest women I had ever known. The weird thing about this evening was that I never had any ambition to let her know about my sexuality. Sure, I talked to Elliot and we even created a pros-and-cons-list for whether or not to make myself exempt from my dark, painful thoughts. I mean I hadn't done such a thing for almost twenty years. In the end there was the same number of pros and cons and I was more confused than beforehand. I dared to glare at her and what I saw was the expected expression of disgust. I had a lump in my throat and I seemed to be unable to stop my tears from running down my cheeks. Nevertheless, I promised myself not to cry in front of her. I didn't want her to find out that she meant everything to me…to be sincere; she still means that much to me although Alex is the most arrogant, most intolerant, most bitchy person I've ever had the possibility to get to know. But that doesn't prevent me from loving all her good sides. The irrational thing is that I know that I should stop thinking about her. I should try to forget her. But tell me, how is it possible to forget the one that got straight to your heart from the first moment you laid eyes on her? I felt a single tear rolling down my cheek before I continued to get myself into deep doo-doo.

"The reason that I told you this lil' secret is that I…God damn, I face the most violent perpetrators each day, I really should be able to tell you this, shouldn't I?" Before I finished this question, Alex laid her hand on my shoulder and squeezed it lightly. I don't know why she did it, but I know for sure that it didn't help to ease my tenseness. I couldn't stand to feel her that close, so I freed myself from under her touch. I felt like sitting on the fence. On the one hand, I just wanted to tell her and on the other I was afraid to let her in.

"I kept this a secret, even though it is a part of my being. I'm afraid of the consequences that go along with my soul striptease. Why am I so damn terrified about coming out with emotions?" I stopped for a moment before I continued. "Normally, I don't identify myself through out my feelings. I don't let them overwhelm my logic. But those feelings go far too deep to pretend that they don't exist. I know that what I'm about to say right now will change your attitude towards me, but I can't stand the closeness any longer. Alex, I'm in love with you. Yeah, I absolutely mean what I just said. I'm in love with your smile, with your blue eyes; I'm even in love with your kicking-ass-attitude…God, only by saying this I could break out into tears," I swallowed hard. I was worried that my voice would forsake me. But I wanted to go on. I had finally found the words I had been searching for and those damn tears weren't going to stop me from my aim.

"I kept this whole thing private out of shame, because you made a lot of annotations which let me despair. Every time you hurt me; again and again. Every time you ripped out my heart, because in the end you despise me, hate me because of who I am. Just the thought, that in your mind I am something perverse, let me burst into tears. I try to hate you for this, but it seems to be impossible…I tried not to think about it, tried to focus on other things; however, I failed a hundred percent. At the latest, after our movie evening I knew that I had to admit it. Admitting what I tried to fight. Admitting what I tried myself to defend against, tried to block out of my system. But I had already lost the influence on my own feelings. It had been too late…It doesn't matter how hard I try to banish you, I'm not capable to." I chattered. I think in the first instant Alex didn't even believe me. She looked sceptical. I don't know why I was so surprised about this fact. At least I had hidden my way of life from everyone except for Elliot and Kathy. It is ridiculous because I'm a grown woman and I should stand up for who I am. And normally I do so, but Alex is an exquisite example for the kind of humans who doesn't accept me. It aches like hell, much more than anyone could ever imagine. I'm not allowed to be the one I am. I'm not allowed to love the one I have fallen for. The thoughts were running through my head and I had no control over them. When I glanced over to her, I saw the helplessness reflected in her eyes. That was when a wave of sympathy washed through my body and soul. I made her feel uncomfortable. Kicking myself in the ass for it, I hoped desperately for her to say something. I let her in and everything she did was observing me like an eagle the mouse. Finally her lips moved and I felt a shiver going through my body. What did she have in mind? What was she about to tell me? I wasn't ready for her to punish me! And I sure as hell wasn't ready for her to disclose her antipathy for bisexuality.

"That was…is unexpected and I really don't know what you want me to say about this…," she waved her hands and pointed out to me. She couldn't even say it. "You know, I don't really have a problem with you being…bisexual. But I can't return your feelings and I'm on a loss here." Alex crossed her arms in front of her chest and hid her self in her lawyer mood. "If truth be told I don't know what you want me to do. Ok, I understand that you're in love with me, if that is even possible, but that doesn't change anything. And I sure as hell am not bisexual or anything like this. I haven't a clue what you aimed with telling me. I mean, how do you expect me to react?" Alex asked me bewildered. She looked straight at me, but I couldn't dare to look her in the eyes. What should I have answered her? I thought I had made my point clear. I thought I declared that this wasn't about me thinking my feelings were mutual but needing to ease the weight from my shoulders. Why couldn't she see how deep this went? Why couldn't she see how much this affected me?

"I don't expect you to do or say anything about it. All I needed and wanted to do was trying to explain my latest behaviour. I was more than sensible of your straightness and I never dared to hope for you to return those feelings, but I hoped for you to understand. Everything I ask for is…I know that it will be a hard one for me, but I need a little distance so I can suppress my feelings and start over. Therefore I request space." That was harder than exclaiming my love for her. I asked her to stay away from me even though I knew it would eat at me. But that was the only way to get her out of my system. I had seen her nearly each day and I couldn't imagine a week without seeing her and without arguing with her. Could she sense my uneasiness?

"That works for me, because this is a new situation and to be honest I don't know how to handle it. I'm not familiar with a woman falling for me…I feel very uncomfortable and in avoidance of any complications through out our work, we should try to be professional and evade any private involvements." I was shocked at her statement although it was my purpose. I wasn't able to stay in her presence, so I walked back to where Elliot stood, waiting for me. I glared at him and tried to smile, knowing I would fail miserably. He patted my shoulder, trying to give me some support, trying to convince me that I had done the right thing. When he grabbed me I didn't refuse. I was too exhausted, too outworn to rebel against him. Elliot led me out of the bar in the cold night. I froze and I didn't know if it was because of the iciness or because of my emotional breakdown.

"I really did it, El. I really declared my love for her and I feel much more pissed than before. Why did I put myself in this damn situation? I mean what was I thinking about letting the "ice queen" in?" Those were the last words before I broke down and collapsed into Elliot's arms. I don't remember how I got to my apartment. Everything I remember is waking up in my bed, in my lonely bedroom with a splitting headache. In the first moment, I thought that everything had just been a bad dream, before realization settled in. I didn't trust my body to move, that's why I laid completely still. The events from the last evening came back and hit me very hard. You know, when I told her the truth I thought I would feel better afterwards. But it just didn't occur. It was much more the opposite – I felt worse…still feel like an idiot. I had the queasy feeling that I had made the biggest fault of my life. I took a deep breath and saw the two of us standing there in the bar. Myself, how I tried to explain her, what was happening inside me. Alex, how she looked down at me – doubtful and blind. I understood that it had been hard for her to listen to what I had said. But at the same time it had been very hard for me to open up. I couldn't stand my thoughts, running through my head like that, therefore I stood up. I strolled through my apartment, trying to focus on everything but Alex. I wanted to forget her and the only helpful thing that crossed my mind was jogging. I prepared myself for a very long working-out before I left the warmth of my home, heading towards the Central Park. At the moment I took my first step on the ground of the Park I wanted to run in the opposite direction. In front of me was no one but the object of my pain. She looked me up and down. You know like she did look down the perps she examined. From the good colleague to a perpetrator that was definitely an exciting career. I don't know what I saw in her eyes because I hadn't seen this expression ever before. Not even during her worst cross-examinations. After several seconds she continued her jogging without greeting me. It seemed as if I was nothing more but a stranger. How was I supposed to handle it? How was I supposed to bear the thought that I had messed up everything? I watched her, stared sceptical in her direction until I couldn't see her anymore. Had that really happened? I mean, had she really mustered me and than gone back to her working-out as if I hadn't been there? Sure, I asked for distance, but that didn't mean for her to ignore me. It hurt and I felt tears streaming down my face. I started running and running and running. There was so much anger and frustration inside me and that had to get out. I don't know how long I just jogged without recognizing my surroundings, but I finally ended up in front of her building. I wanted to go upstairs to her apartment, explaining her, what she did to me. That was when I saw her with some friends of hers. Laughing, smiling, and joking. I wanted to be the one who makes her smile, who makes her feel comfortable. Again she looked me up and down as if I was nothing more than a bagger. I got the hint and turned on my heels. I glanced over my shoulder for a last time, but Alex was already back with her friends, leaving me alone. Leaving me out there in the big ocean where she had thrown me in.

The next week at work Alex continued her ignorance and left me suffering. Suffering for who I am and who I love. We barely talked to one another. Just in case of professional matters. I know, that it was the way I wanted it. What I haven't known back there in the bar was that it would hurt that badly. You know, I didn't even dare to look at her, not wanting to make her feel even more uncomfortable. My only presence already did that to her. Now, seven month after I let her in, it's still the same. We still don't talk to one another. I still pretend that it doesn't bother me. But what's so much more important, I still feel the butterflies in my stomach when I catch her sight. I still can't get her out of my mind. Alex is still the woman I want to be with till the end of my days. And on the other hand, I hate her. I hate her for shutting me out. I hate her for not accepting me the way she should do – as a friend. But above all I hate me for believing in her, for trusting her.

Just because I wanted her to know the truth I threw everything away. Everything that might have been is out of my hand now. I don't know the reason for telling her the truth, for letting her in. I should have recognized that she didn't want to. Now I stand here in the cold, pretending not to feel. I pretend that she hadn't ripped out my heart. I pretend I hadn't seen the smile on her face when she did so. But who am I to fool myself? Love hurts. I never wanted to experience this all by myself, knowing HOW true those words are.

FIN

A/N: Thanx to everyone around for inspiring me (Maria (Elliot), Caro and whoever is out there who wants to be named). You know, most thanks go to Sophie (Alex) because without her this story would have never worked out that way. So thanks for hurting me without any regret till this very day.