A/N: Written for the Kurtbastian Hiatus Prompt 'first time' and inspired by a prompt "it's Sebastian and Kurt's first time and Sebastian starts thinking about their past together and how they got to this point and Sebastian starts to cry and get all philosophical and stuff while they're going at it".
Both men barely have a foot through the door of Sebastian's apartment when Sebastian launches into kissing Kurt. Kurt laughs into it, enjoying being kissed mixed with the feeling of want that radiates from Sebastian's body, has radiated off of him ever since Sebastian whispered make love to me tonight over a shared dish of salted caramel cheesecake, and Kurt – eyes wide and cheeks red - shyly answered yes. Sebastian doesn't part from Kurt's lips or his body for a second, closing and locking the door behind them with one hand while the other snakes around Kurt's waist and holds Kurt against him. He continues to kiss Kurt as they walk through the living room, down the hall to the bedroom, and over to his bed, awkwardly pulling off clothes as they go and flinging them to the floor, paving a trail along the way.
Sebastian gently lays Kurt down and finishes undressing him slowly, unwrapping Kurt from his dress shirt and jeans like a present he has waited long and patiently to open. Kurt lies still, holding his breath, eyes watching suave and sophisticated Sebastian Smythe fumble his way through buttons, a zipper, and a particularly problematic belt buckle. Kurt chuckles when Sebastian curses while tugging almost violently at Kurt's Parkerson leather belt. Sebastian smirks, and catches the sound of Kurt's giggles with hungry lips pressed against Kurt's mouth, moving his hands aside and allowing Kurt to finish the job of removing the troublesome jeans for him.
It had been a year – well, in truth, most people would say it had been eight months – since they had started dating. They had run into each other at a coffee shop in SoHo – Kurt working part time as a barista and Sebastian out on a date - and fell immediately into their old high school routine of tearing each other down, even though there really wasn't any reason to.
It took them two months and more than a dozen soy lattes with espresso shots to realize that high school was long gone, and whatever perceived competition they had going was over and done.
It took Sebastian another two months to admit that he wanted a chance with Kurt, and to pluck up the courage (yes, Sebastian Smythe actually needed courage) to ask Kurt out on a date.
He's definitely glad that he did.
Sebastian takes a moment to kneel above Kurt and look at him – really look at him – naked and vulnerable, but so trusting, so beautiful.
Kurt is sexy with his clothes on. He knows how to dress to best accentuate his features, and his style sense is always on point, whether they're going to grab a bite to eat or out dancing. But naked, Kurt is glorious – smooth, pale skin flushing a slight pink beneath Sebastian's gaze, lips cherry red and swollen from kissing, bright grey-blue eyes growing dark, the rim of green around the pupils pushing the irises back and open with every breath, and all along Kurt's body, muscles dip and flow, arms and legs sculpted, the shadow of six-pack abs cut into his stomach.
Sebastian stares and Kurt becomes anxious, the excited smile disappearing from his face. Unsure, he raises his hands to cover himself, afraid that Sebastian has changed his mind about wanting him. Sebastian sees the stuttered movements of Kurt's arms and he grabs them by the wrists, pulling them above Kurt's head and pinning them to the pillows beneath him.
"Nope," Sebastian says, licking over Kurt's lips lightly. "No hiding that gorgeous body of yours." Then Sebastian's mouth is on Kurt's again, and Kurt's smile returns.
Staring at Kurt, watching his body tremble, had excited Sebastian until he realized those delicious shivers traveling down Kurt's body might have been more from fear than arousal.
Sebastian knows Kurt better than he realizes.
Sebastian knows how to hurt Kurt – how to really cut him deep, and then pour vinegar on the wound. Back at Dalton, that was one of the things he excelled at – pinpointing Kurt's fears and exploiting them - and it became a kind of obsession with him.
Sebastian tormented Kurt way more than Kurt deserved.
He never thought that Kurt would ever forgive him.
But here they are, together in Sebastian's bed, kissing, touching, with the rain starting lightly outside his window, and it seems like a dream. Sebastian keeps his eyes open, watching Kurt's eyelids flutter shut as he kisses him, watching the flush deepen in his cheeks, afraid that if he closes his eyes he'll find that he is dreaming, and Sebastian needs this to be real.
Because what started out as insults over coffee has turned into love for Sebastian. He can joke all he wants about not needing love, about it being unnecessary and childish – and he has - but he knows he's not strong enough at the moment to deal with having that love torn away from him.
Already, as he slips a condom over his length and prepares to express that love to the man waiting for him, breathlessly anticipating him, Sebastian feels a pain in his chest tearing through him. His hands shake, but it's not his hands. It's his whole body, from the pit of his stomach on out.
"Are you okay?" Kurt asks, propping up on his elbows, trying to get a better glimpse of Sebastian's face in the glow off the street lights streaming in through the windows.
"Yeah," Sebastian says, trying to cover the emotion in his voice but sounding snappish instead. He takes a deep breath when the condom reaches the base of his cock and forces a smile on his face. "It's nothing. I just…caught my skin on the condom rolling it down." He manages a nervous chuckle to make his lie sound convincing.
"Ouch," Kurt says, his face melting from concern back to his sultry, impish smile. He starts to turn onto his stomach when Sebastian's hand to his shoulder stops him.
"No," Sebastian says. "Please don't. I want to see you."
There's an edge to Sebastian's pleading tone that makes Kurt pause. Making love almost sandwiched in half has never felt as comfortable, or as intimate, to Kurt, but Sebastian doesn't sound himself – or correction, this seldom heard, slightly more insecure tone, might be more Sebastian than any other side Sebastian has shown him, and Kurt can't refuse.
"Alright," he says, lying flat on his back, spreading his legs so that Sebastian can fit between. Kurt can feel the shaking of Sebastian's hands when he touches him, when he gently fingers him, working him open slowly. He sees the intensity of Sebastian's stare as Sebastian watches him – always watching him, eyes filled with a sort of strange wonder, as if this is Sebastian's very first time with another man.
Kurt wants to say something, wants to reassure him if that's what Sebastian needs, but Sebastian begins to enter him and all of Kurt's words disintegrate away, fracturing into individual nonsense syllables and falling apart before they even enter his throat.
"Oh, Sebastian," Kurt moans. "Oh, holy fucking hell."
Sebastian laughs. He wants this. He wants to enjoy Kurt – his body and his warmth, the way his back arches when he slides inside of him, the delicious moans he sends into the air, his arms reaching out to touch Sebastian, scratching his fingers down any bit of skin he can connect with. Sebastian wants to lose himself in Kurt, revel in their first time together, but he can't. He's haunted by too many horrible schemes he devised against this man, too many taunts, too many insults. They weigh him down, threatening to crush him. He doesn't deserve Kurt – not an inch of this moment belongs to him. How can this possibly make up for everything he put Kurt through?
He tries to push it to the corner for now. He promises his conscience that he'll deal with the remorse later if he can just have this, and not even for himself - if he can make this good for Kurt, but it resurfaces, prodding into his brain, bringing to mind every time he'd almost gone too far, every time he tried to break him, every time he did something awful that made Kurt doubt himself.
He reaches out and puts a hand on Kurt's forehead, feeling the heat of his skin, reminding himself that this is Kurt right now, that he was doing this to him, that the past doesn't matter.
But it does.
That past has shaped them, shaped this, and if he does manage to forget it, that doesn't mean it didn't happen – it doesn't mean that Sebastian doesn't have so much to make up for.
Sebastian continues to move, but Kurt's breathy whimpers stop. He puts his hands on Sebastian's hips, halting him.
"Sebastian," Kurt says, looking up at his boyfriend with worry anew in his lust-blown eyes, "Sebastian, are you crying?"
"What?" Sebastian asks, trying to force a laugh around the sob stuck in his throat. "No, I'm not…I…"
Another tear rolls down his cheek and lands on Kurt's neck. Kurt lifts a hand to Sebastian's face and brushes a third tear away.
"You are," he says, cupping Sebastian's cheek. "You're crying."
Embarrassed, Sebastian lifts his head, tilts his face to the ceiling and takes a deep breath in.
"I…uh…"
"Sebastian, look at me," Kurt pleads, his quiet voice coaxing Sebastian's gaze back to his face. Sebastian isn't about to break down, not now, but he can't stop the next few tears that break free and roll down his cheeks. "Why are you crying?"
"I was just…I was just thinking," Sebastian says, searching his mind for some tiny white lie, some believable scenario that would have him crying in the middle of sex other than the truth, but offhand he can think of nothing.
Besides, lying to Kurt about this, especially now, would make him a worse person, and he's trying desperately hard to live past his own copyrighted stereotype.
"I was thinking of every lousy thing I did to you in high school," Sebastian confesses.
"Oh, honey," Kurt says, but Sebastian doesn't let him interrupt.
"I was thinking about how grateful I am that you're giving me this chance," he continues, "and that I don't ever want to disappoint you again…because I love you."
"I love you, too," Kurt says after a pause, waiting to see if Sebastian had finished. Kurt sits up clumsily with a few hushed giggles, climbs into Sebastian's lap, and wraps his arms around him. "I've long since forgiven you for all of that."
"You…you have?" Sebastian asks, returning Kurt's hug, holding him in his arms, marveling at how perfectly he fits there.
"I have," Kurt assures him, kissing him on the neck and then once behind the ear. "But I won't forgive you if you make me wait any longer to have you." With a sly grin on his lips Kurt starts to move, picking up where Sebastian left off, rising up on his cock and sliding back down. Sebastian moans at the change in angle, at the tight squeeze around him, and at the beautiful man in his arms that makes all the difference.
"I promise to do better," Sebastian says, running his fingers down Kurt's spine, kissing up the column of his neck. "I promise to make all that shit up to you."
"Good," Kurt says, nibbling Sebastian's lower lip, enjoying the growl that escapes Sebastian's throat when he tugs slightly, "because this is a brand new beginning for us, and you have all night to start making things right."