Bilbo
An Interlude
They were at a Standstill.
The 14 of them waiting outside searching the secret passage. And deep within blissfully unaware and sleeping atop his ill-gotten gains was Smaug the Golden.
"Dude" sulked Balin kicking at a small rock, 'this sucks!" Just then Bilbo who had been halfheartedly slipping his Macy's card between random crevices in the rock face finally triggered the locking mechanism. The hidden door creaked open revealing years and years of discarded Pizza boxes and the charred remains of Amway salesmen and Jehovah's Witnesses. The latter were still clutching much wyrm-piddled on copies of "The Watchtower". Thorin pretentiously clearing his throat finally cleared the Dwarves awed silence. Some of the older Dwarves (I would be right in naming Balin and Dwalin) groaned in terror. They knew that sound well. It was the sound of impending Doom. The sound Thorin always made before going off on one of his longwinded rambling speeches. Gloin (who would go on to become the Macramé Champion of Middle Earth and father Gimli one drunken night) laid down
to take a nap. Thorin promptly kicked him before saying…
"Now is the time (blah blah blah)…Mr. Baggins…..(yakity shmakity)……Legalized Hobbit slavery….(blah blah)….After all we outnumber him 13 to 1...(blah blah blah) time to earn his Reward or die trying….(blah blah blah)…." and would have blah blahed for another half an hour or so if Bilbo hadn't stepped in right there.
"What? If you think it's MY job to go in first you can take a flying fuck at yourself!" he said crossly. "Say so at once and be done. I already saved your short butts twice more than stated in our contract."
'What contract?" asked Thorin feigning innocence.
"Oh I see how it is! There are 13 of you and you're all a head taller than me. But does that shame you? Noooooo of course not! Lets all hide behind the Hobbit! Let's have the little Hobbit do all our dirty work for us. Ooh maybe we'll get lucky and he'll have a Nephew that society can send on ridiculous 600 page quests!" Bilbo threw his hands up in disgust. "Sucks to y'all. Bombur, give me the calculator!"
"Calculator?"
"Yes yes. The calculator. You know? The only inedible thing in that sack of provisions you polished off an hour ago? Hand it to me if you please."
"WHAT?" raged the other Dwarves as Bombur drew back (jowls quivering) "YOU ATE AN ENTIRE *SACK* OF PROVISIONS.???" Bifur was heartily ashamed of his wayward relative and chastised him thusly…
"You are such a fat fuck, Bombur! You go walking down the street and people say 'Goddammit! That Dwarf's a Big Fat Fuck"* he then took the calculator away from him and smacked him upside the head with it before handing it to Bilbo. Bilbo sat down on a convient stone and began tallying up his share much to Thorin's annoyance.
"Let's see. First there were the Trolls. 3 of them. I'll give them to you for 1 share each. Then there were the Spiders. You were all completely useless there! I'll need 3 shares to cover that. Why if it wasn't for me and the Ring…..Ah wait a moment-THE RING- let's talk about GOLLUM, shall we??" the Dwarves exchanged many embarrassed and anxious glances. "That'll be 2 shares for me nearly getting EATEN. 1 share for all the shit I overheard you fickle bitches saying behind my back when I finally escaped. 1 bag of gold for all my brass buttons that I lost! 3 shares for making this Damnable Ring completely indispensable to me therefore ensuring my upcoming addiction. And 5 shares for the damage this little trinket is going to do to my nephew and his boyfriend.."
"Bullshit!" interrupted Nori "You don't even have a nephew! Granted I can see why you're pissed at us but you can't make allowances for the trauma of imaginary relatives!"
"Ah HA! I don't yet but I will!" He whipped a battered copy of "Return of the King" out of his back pocket and tapped the cover self-importantly. It was a beautiful movie edition with a movie still shot of Viggo Mortenson."I've read all the sequels. What? Why are you all looking at me like that? I had to have *something* to do during Thorin's Speeches. Were was I? (Thorin Harrumphed but kept his peace.) Oh yes. The escape from the Elf King…3 shares. Oh and the fact that I still like you jerks after the abominable way you've treated me-PRICELESS!!"
"So how much do we owe you?" Thorin asked fully ashamed of himself.
"Just 1/14th of total profit. I was only making a point.," he said tossing the calculator casually to the side. The Dwarves were overcome with grief and crouched at his wooly feet weeping and tugging their beards.
"Oh we're so sorry. Can you ever forgive us?"
"I've been a right bastard!" wailed Fili
"I forgive you. Get up." they continued bawling. "No really! Get up! Your tears are mussing my pedicure and toe perm!"
"When did you have time to do that?" asked Kili who dearly loved a pedicure himself.
"Well I had to have something to do during Thorin's speeches."
"ALL RIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH, JENNA!", the King Under The Mountain raged at the snickering author. "YOU'VE BEAT THAT DEAD HORSE ENOUGH! FIND A NEW JOKE!"
{ok ok. I'm sorry. Hell with you then. My next story is gonna be Gollum-centric.}
"Oh no, Thorin! Look what you've done," whined Oin. "Now she's gonna write a sequel to 'Smeagol's Song' just to spite you! That one gave me nightmares!"
{oh yeah? What are you doing reading slashfic? }
Oin ran spent the rest of this Fanfic with a paper bag over his head to hide his humiliation. The rest tapped their feet impatiently and waited for the shameless self-insertion to end so they could finish up the story and hit the bar to pick up sailors on their way home through Dale.
"Anyway" continued Bilbo with a wary eye on the Author-making sure she wasn't up to any shenanigans. "I will do this final deed for you. But with one condition…"
"Yes??"
An hour later Bilbo raced out the Smaug's Hall clutching a newly burgled cup. The Dwarves resplendent in their new Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading Outfits gave Bilbo a spirited 'Dwarven Pyramid' and chanted his name perkily between cartwheels and splits. They were happy because the Old Helpful Bilbo was back after his short flare of defiance and he was happy to finally get the Credit he so richly
Deserved. The End. The Moral of this story is thus- if you aren't gracious to your Help all along you will find yourself flipping over backwards to keep them when they wanna quit at the worst possible time!
*This is from South Park. It's one of Kyle's 'Cartman' lines. It's just so perfect. I had to use it. Sorry Bombur!
An Interlude
They were at a Standstill.
The 14 of them waiting outside searching the secret passage. And deep within blissfully unaware and sleeping atop his ill-gotten gains was Smaug the Golden.
"Dude" sulked Balin kicking at a small rock, 'this sucks!" Just then Bilbo who had been halfheartedly slipping his Macy's card between random crevices in the rock face finally triggered the locking mechanism. The hidden door creaked open revealing years and years of discarded Pizza boxes and the charred remains of Amway salesmen and Jehovah's Witnesses. The latter were still clutching much wyrm-piddled on copies of "The Watchtower". Thorin pretentiously clearing his throat finally cleared the Dwarves awed silence. Some of the older Dwarves (I would be right in naming Balin and Dwalin) groaned in terror. They knew that sound well. It was the sound of impending Doom. The sound Thorin always made before going off on one of his longwinded rambling speeches. Gloin (who would go on to become the Macramé Champion of Middle Earth and father Gimli one drunken night) laid down
to take a nap. Thorin promptly kicked him before saying…
"Now is the time (blah blah blah)…Mr. Baggins…..(yakity shmakity)……Legalized Hobbit slavery….(blah blah)….After all we outnumber him 13 to 1...(blah blah blah) time to earn his Reward or die trying….(blah blah blah)…." and would have blah blahed for another half an hour or so if Bilbo hadn't stepped in right there.
"What? If you think it's MY job to go in first you can take a flying fuck at yourself!" he said crossly. "Say so at once and be done. I already saved your short butts twice more than stated in our contract."
'What contract?" asked Thorin feigning innocence.
"Oh I see how it is! There are 13 of you and you're all a head taller than me. But does that shame you? Noooooo of course not! Lets all hide behind the Hobbit! Let's have the little Hobbit do all our dirty work for us. Ooh maybe we'll get lucky and he'll have a Nephew that society can send on ridiculous 600 page quests!" Bilbo threw his hands up in disgust. "Sucks to y'all. Bombur, give me the calculator!"
"Calculator?"
"Yes yes. The calculator. You know? The only inedible thing in that sack of provisions you polished off an hour ago? Hand it to me if you please."
"WHAT?" raged the other Dwarves as Bombur drew back (jowls quivering) "YOU ATE AN ENTIRE *SACK* OF PROVISIONS.???" Bifur was heartily ashamed of his wayward relative and chastised him thusly…
"You are such a fat fuck, Bombur! You go walking down the street and people say 'Goddammit! That Dwarf's a Big Fat Fuck"* he then took the calculator away from him and smacked him upside the head with it before handing it to Bilbo. Bilbo sat down on a convient stone and began tallying up his share much to Thorin's annoyance.
"Let's see. First there were the Trolls. 3 of them. I'll give them to you for 1 share each. Then there were the Spiders. You were all completely useless there! I'll need 3 shares to cover that. Why if it wasn't for me and the Ring…..Ah wait a moment-THE RING- let's talk about GOLLUM, shall we??" the Dwarves exchanged many embarrassed and anxious glances. "That'll be 2 shares for me nearly getting EATEN. 1 share for all the shit I overheard you fickle bitches saying behind my back when I finally escaped. 1 bag of gold for all my brass buttons that I lost! 3 shares for making this Damnable Ring completely indispensable to me therefore ensuring my upcoming addiction. And 5 shares for the damage this little trinket is going to do to my nephew and his boyfriend.."
"Bullshit!" interrupted Nori "You don't even have a nephew! Granted I can see why you're pissed at us but you can't make allowances for the trauma of imaginary relatives!"
"Ah HA! I don't yet but I will!" He whipped a battered copy of "Return of the King" out of his back pocket and tapped the cover self-importantly. It was a beautiful movie edition with a movie still shot of Viggo Mortenson."I've read all the sequels. What? Why are you all looking at me like that? I had to have *something* to do during Thorin's Speeches. Were was I? (Thorin Harrumphed but kept his peace.) Oh yes. The escape from the Elf King…3 shares. Oh and the fact that I still like you jerks after the abominable way you've treated me-PRICELESS!!"
"So how much do we owe you?" Thorin asked fully ashamed of himself.
"Just 1/14th of total profit. I was only making a point.," he said tossing the calculator casually to the side. The Dwarves were overcome with grief and crouched at his wooly feet weeping and tugging their beards.
"Oh we're so sorry. Can you ever forgive us?"
"I've been a right bastard!" wailed Fili
"I forgive you. Get up." they continued bawling. "No really! Get up! Your tears are mussing my pedicure and toe perm!"
"When did you have time to do that?" asked Kili who dearly loved a pedicure himself.
"Well I had to have something to do during Thorin's speeches."
"ALL RIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH, JENNA!", the King Under The Mountain raged at the snickering author. "YOU'VE BEAT THAT DEAD HORSE ENOUGH! FIND A NEW JOKE!"
{ok ok. I'm sorry. Hell with you then. My next story is gonna be Gollum-centric.}
"Oh no, Thorin! Look what you've done," whined Oin. "Now she's gonna write a sequel to 'Smeagol's Song' just to spite you! That one gave me nightmares!"
{oh yeah? What are you doing reading slashfic? }
Oin ran spent the rest of this Fanfic with a paper bag over his head to hide his humiliation. The rest tapped their feet impatiently and waited for the shameless self-insertion to end so they could finish up the story and hit the bar to pick up sailors on their way home through Dale.
"Anyway" continued Bilbo with a wary eye on the Author-making sure she wasn't up to any shenanigans. "I will do this final deed for you. But with one condition…"
"Yes??"
An hour later Bilbo raced out the Smaug's Hall clutching a newly burgled cup. The Dwarves resplendent in their new Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading Outfits gave Bilbo a spirited 'Dwarven Pyramid' and chanted his name perkily between cartwheels and splits. They were happy because the Old Helpful Bilbo was back after his short flare of defiance and he was happy to finally get the Credit he so richly
Deserved. The End. The Moral of this story is thus- if you aren't gracious to your Help all along you will find yourself flipping over backwards to keep them when they wanna quit at the worst possible time!
*This is from South Park. It's one of Kyle's 'Cartman' lines. It's just so perfect. I had to use it. Sorry Bombur!