Elliot stepped into the elevator at the 1-6 and scrubbed a hand over his face. He's supposed to be on vacation, but he'd gotten a call from Alex this morning telling him his testimony in a case had been moved up and he was needed in court this afternoon. Kathy had been upset as it was his day to have the twins, but after all of these years, she was used it. Since his plans for the day were ruined, he had decided to just get ready and head into the precinct to go over his notes so he was prepared.
The elevator doors opened and he headed towards the squad room. He noticed that his partner Tony's desk was empty and he remembered he had taken a few days off as well.
"Stabler." Fin said. "Thought you were on vacation."
"Me too." Elliot said as he stopped to pour himself a cup of coffee. He walked past Fin and Munch on his way back to his desk and saw a little girl sitting on Munch's leg, coloring on a piece of paper. He raised an eyebrow at Fin and walked over to his desk.
"Are we running a daycare?" he asked, smiling as he turned to sit down. He looked back over towards Munch and his smile faded. The little girl was maybe 3 or 4, with dark hair and dark skin. It sent a jolt through his system and he laughed uncomfortably. The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. "She looks like…"
Olivia.
He felt a fresh stab of pain at the thought of her. It still surprised him sometimes; the heartache so fresh after all these years. He remembered it like it was yesterday. Gitano had driven them over the edge and their walls had crumbled…and what started as one night of indiscretion had turned into an intense, steamy relationship. They'd had their ups and downs as Elliot tried to deal with backlash from Kathy and his kids, and things had been rocky and tumultuous. But for the most part, they were happy. At least he thought they were. And then suddenly, after six months, she had broken it off. And broken him. The final blow had been when she left less than a month later; telling him she couldn't be his partner anymore and taking off for parts unknown.
"Olivia." He finished. He saw a surprised look on Munch's face because he never mentioned her. Ever. And neither did anyone else. They knew that it was too painful.
The little girl looked up at him then and smiled, and his heart shattered all over again. He saw Olivia's smile and dark brown eyes. He had never seen a photo of Olivia as a child, but this girl in front of him had to be an exact replica.
Elliot walked over towards Munch's desk and the little girl hopped down from her perch on Munch's leg. Elliot squatted down and the girl walked right up to him. He drank her in, taking in her black and white polka dot dress and her black patent leather shoes; a little princess through and through. She touched his cheek lightly with her fingers.
"I know you." She said excitedly, a big smile on her face.
"You do?" Elliot asked.
"Mommy showed me pictures of you." She said, nodding enthusiastically. She took a few skipping steps back to Munch's desk and grabbed a small purse. She started digging in it as she walked back towards him. "See?" she said as she fished a beaten up photo out of her purse and handed it to him. "That's you and Mommy."
Elliot felt the world spinning around him as he looked at the photo she handed him. It was a photo Olivia had kept in her living room for years; one of them from early in their partnership. A snapshot taken during a happier time.
The little girl was hanging on his arm now, hanging on him as they both looked down at the photo, and he could hear her chattering something about her Mommy. But his mind was elsewhere. There was no doubt this little girl was Olivia's…and if she was here then that meant…
He heard Cragen's door open and then a familiar laugh. He swiveled slightly and saw Olivia as she walked out of his office. He felt his heart stop…and his first thought was that she looked absolutely amazing. She had always been stunning, but she looked more relaxed and happy then she'd ever seen her. But then she saw him squatting there and she stopped short, her mouth frozen in mid-laughter.
The little girl left his side then and ran over to her. "Mommy, Mommy." She said excitedly, practically jumping up and down as she clutched at her mother's hand. "Look who I found! It's Daddy!"
Elliot stood up as her words registered. Daddy? There was no doubt she was Olivia's child, but… He looked back at the girl and then back up at Olivia. The age was right. But it couldn't be. Olivia would never keep something like that from him. Would she? He looked back at her, a question in his eyes.
Olivia opened her mouth to say something and then closed it again, pressing her hand against her lips. Cragen had come out of the office behind her and Elliot's eyes flicked up to him and he saw the shocked expression on his face. It hit him that Cragen knew. He'd known all along.
His mind and his emotions were suddenly all over the place as everything started to register in his brain.
He felt angry…had Olivia really kept this from him? The knowledge of his own child?
He felt betrayed…how could Cragen keep this from him for all of these years?
He felt conflicted...he was so happy to see her standing there in front of him. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and pull her close and tell her how much he had missed her.
Olivia was the first to move after what felt like minutes, but was probably only seconds. She squatted down next to the little girl. "Sweetie. Go with Papa Don. Mommy needs to talk to Elliot." She said.
Elliot watched as the little girl pouted. "I want to talk to Daddy." She said, and he could see the stubborn streak in the little girl just in her stance and her expression.
Cragen stepped in and put a hand on her shoulder. "Come on sweetie. We'll get a treat."
He watched as the little girl considered the offer, pissed that Cragen seemed to have a relationship with his daughter that he didn't have. He saw Olivia giving him furtive glances as she pushed the little girl towards Cragen. "Please listen to me." She said, her tone stern.
The child relented and let Cragen lead her away. Olivia walked back into Cragen's office, and he knew she meant for him to follow her. Elliot stood rooted in place, watching as Cragen walked out. He glanced back at Fin and Munch, and could see as they quickly avoided his glare. He took in a deep breath and walked into Cragen's office, closing the door behind him.
Olivia was on the other side of Cragen's office and she turned to face him once she heard the door close. He felt torn once again. Part of him wanted to kiss her and hold her and ask her why she had broken his heart. And the other part of him wanted to scream and rage…and ask him how she could have deceived him like this.
In the end, anger won out and he tried to control it as he choked out his words. Because right now…his anger and feelings of betrayal trumped everything else.
"We have a daughter?"
"Elliot." She said, a pleading look in her eyes.
He could see tears brimming on her lashes and the thought flitted through his mind that the last time he saw Olivia cry was when she left him.
"Is. She. My. Daughter?" he asked in his best don't fuck with me tone.
Olivia hesitated for a moment, but then she nodded slowly, a stricken expression on her face.
Elliot collapsed on the couch in disbelief. While he had known it was the truth as soon as the little girl said the word daddy, Olivia's confirmation struck him to his core. He took a few minutes to try to let the reality of it sink in.
He looked up at Olivia and could see a tear and broken free and trail down her cheek. He thought back to their relationship; they had been so happy. A child would have been a blessing. It didn't make any sense.
"Why?" he said. She knew what he was asking.
"I…" She pressed her lips together, shaking her head.
"I loved you." He said, standing up and moving over towards her.
Olivia shook her head again, as if she didn't want to hear the words. "We weren't meant to be together forever." She said.
"What?" Elliot asked. He didn't understand what she was saying.
"We were an affair…"
"I was separated." He said.
"Not really." She said. Kathy had been a complete bitch when she found out about the two of them, accusing them of having had an affair for years. She threatened him with his kids, messing up dates for visitation purposefully, refusing to allow the kids to visit if Olivia was going to be around. She treated them like hostages in a negotiation and Olivia had seen the toll that took on him. "You went back home, didn't you?" she asked.
"But…"
"Didn't you?" she asked again.
Elliot nodded because it was true. But he had only gone back after Olivia left him. He was too shattered; he had needed a place to go. He had been folded back into the comfort of his familiar family life, but it had never been the same. He had tried to get back to some sense of normalcy, but finally even Kathy realized they couldn't get back to where they had been. Kathy knew he was heartbroken, and she even came close to apologizing for her role in the entire mess. In the end, they agreed to end it once and for all, and he'd been living on his own for six months now.
"Not being with your kids was tearing you apart. They were never going to accept me, and I didn't want to force you to choose. It was where you belonged." Olivia said softly.
"I would have married you." He said.
"I know." She said. "And that's why I left." She dropped her head and moved away from him. "Elliot…we fell in love, but we weren't supposed to. I tried so hard to deny it. I should have left when I saw what was happening and then I never would have come between you and Kathy. You and your kids. But I was selfish. I waited too long. I wanted to believe we could handle it. But Gitano broke us. I shouldn't have let it happen." She turned back towards him. "That's why I left."
"What are you talking about?" Elliot said angrily. "You weren't the reason my marriage broke up."
"I don't believe that." She said.
"I don't care what you believe. It's true." He scrubbed a hand over his face again, trying to control his anger. "Did you know you were pregnant when you left?"
The expression on her face told him everything he needed to know.
"There were so many times I picked up the phone." She said. "But then I heard you went back home and I knew I had done the right thing." She said.
"The right thing?" Elliot yelled. "Are you kidding me?" He paced a few steps away from her. "that wasn't your decision to make. She's my daughter too." He shook his head. "I missed your pregnancy. I missed her birth. I missed the first years of her life." He ranted. "I don't even know her name."
"Elise. Her name is Elise."
Elliot let that sink in for a minute. He lowered the tone of his voice, his anger morphed into something else. A mixture of sadness and regret. "It wasn't your decision to make." He repeated.
He looked up at her and saw tears running down her face.
"And Cragen was in on this?" he asked.
"He helped me get settled."
Elliot shook his head because he couldn't believe that Cragen would keep something like this from him.
"And Munch and Fin?"
She shook her head. "They just met her for the first time today. They didn't know." She swiped at the tears on her cheek.
"I can't believe Don kept this from me."
"It was my decision. I swore him to secrecy." She said. "Besides, it wasn't his place to tell you."
"Damn right. It was yours." He was standing in front of her now with his hands on his hips. "Were you ever going to tell me?" he asked. "Or were you just going to continue sneaking around and visiting when you thought I was gone?"
Olivia took a step backwards, and he knew she was feeling intimidated. But right now, he just didn't care. "Were you?"
"That's why I'm here." She choked out. "I came into the city today because…" she looked down at the floor. "I heard you weren't at home anymore." She looked up and saw Elliot staring intently at her. "I know I made a huge mistake and I know you probably hate me right now but I want you to know your daughter. I realized that my decision meant she was going to grow up without a father, just like me. And at first I thought I could be enough, but it's not fair to her." She let out a sob. "I have to do what's best for her." She put a hand over her mouth to keep another sob from escaping. "I'm so sorry Elliot." She whispered. "I know you can't forgive me but I'm so sorry."
Elliot looked back and forth between her eyes, his lips pressed together. "I loved you Olivia." He said forcefully. "And you know what's even worse?" He let out a strained laugh. "I'm standing here looking at you and I realize I still love you." He ran a hand over his short cropped hair. "But I don't know if I can ever forgive you for this."
Olivia reached her hand out but he batted it away.
"I'm going to see my daughter."
He turned and left her standing in Cragen's office and he could hear her sobbing as he slammed the door behind him.
He looked over at Fin and Munch and they looked away quickly. Elliot saw Cragen was up in the break area and he took the steps two at a time. He stopped when Cragen and Elise sitting at the table. Elise was eating cookies and Cragen was talking to her. They both stopped to stare at him.
Elise got a bright smile on her face and jumped down and ran over to him. He squatted down and his heart broke as he saw this small replica of Olivia standing in front of him.
"Hi." He said, breaking into a big smile.
"Did you talk to Mommy?" she asked.
"I did."
"Good. Mommy shows me pictures of you all the time but sometimes it makes her sad." She said matter-of-factly. "I've been asking her when we can visit you because I think she needed a hug." She said. "Did you give her a hug?"
Elliot smiled at her innocence. He was happy to hear that Olivia had told her about him and that they seemed to talk about him regularly. She hadn't tried to hide him from her.
"No, I didn't give her a hug, but I'd like to give you one." He said. "If that's OK."
She smiled and reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck and Elliot felt tears form as he wrapped his arms around her. He stood up, holding her close. She buried her face in his shoulder and he buried his face in her hair, placing a soft kiss there. He just rocked in place, holding on to her, and she seemed content to let him do it. He closed his eyes, just inhaling the essence of her. God, she even smelled like Olivia.
All the memories of their time together came flooding back to him. The intensity of their affair surprised even him. He was in so deep, and when they had finally fallen into bed that fateful night, it had been so much more than he had ever imagined. And he knew she felt the same way too. But he also knew she had always felt like she never deserved that kind of happiness, and if they fought at all, it was always about her insecurity. About this notion that she was stealing him from his real life. He could never understand why she couldn't realize that being with her was exactly where he was meant to be.
He looked up and saw Cragen watching him. Elise started to squirm in his arms and he set her down. She took his hand. "Do you want to have a snack with Papa and me?" she asked.
Elliot didn't completely know what role he had played in this charade, but he knew there was a part of him that should be grateful for any help Don had given to Olivia. He knew Don's feelings for Olivia ran deeply, and that he shouldn't be surprised that Olivia had confided in him. They were the father and daughter neither one of them had.
"Sit down Elliot." Cragen said.
Elliot nodded and let Elise drag him over to the table. He sat down across from her and watched as she picked up a cookie and started to eat it. She started to color with her other hand and was singing some kind of silly song, totally focused on what she was doing.
"How could you have gone along with this?" Elliot asked quietly.
"I'm not going to defend my role in this." Cragen said. "She came to me for help and swore me to secrecy. I told her I thought it was a mistake, but she thought it was what was best at the time." He said. "I couldn't just let her go, without anyone out there in the world."
Elliot thought about what he said, nodding because it's the same thought he'd had just a few minutes ago.
"She always asked about you. About how you were doing." He said. "And I told her that you were never the same person after she left."
Elliot let out a sigh, because it was the truth. He felt so lost without her and he'd never really adjusted. It was almost as if he was missing a piece of himself and that hole could never be filled with anything else.
"And for what it's worth, she's never been the same either." He said quietly.
Cragen's words hit him hard because he'd never really thought about it. He assumed that because she left, that she had decided she didn't need him… that she was off living her life without a second thought. He looked back at Elise. She had a daily reminder of what was lost. The question was whether or not she mourned that loss. Cragen was telling him she did.
"I don't know if I can ever forgive her Don." He said, shaking his head as he watched his daughter.
"Do you still love her?" he asked.
"That's what's so hard." He said. "I love her and I hate her all at the same time."
"Listen to me Elliot. I've watched you two for years. I know how deeply you love each other and I don't think you ever get over that." He sighed. "I know she still loves you and while I don't condone what she did, I know she regrets it deeply." He motioned towards Elise. "But she has made sure that Elise knows who you are. She tells her stories about you and shows her photos and I talk about you too. She's never hidden you from her."
Elliot was silently grateful for that small token.
Don continued. "But you know the important thing here is her. You two have to get past your anger and regret and figure out what's best for her."
Elliot nodded because he knew Cragen was right. "I just need a little time. I didn't expect this today…I've just found out about her and I'm still trying to process all of this."
"I know." Cragen said. "And just like I was there for Olivia, I'm here for you too."
Elise hopped off her chair and picked up the picture she had been coloring. She moved over to stand between he and Cragen. "Do you want to see what I made?" she said, plopping down her drawing on the table.
She forged ahead and Elliot had to smile at her presumption. She was obviously used to being the center of the universe…and to getting what she wanted.
"This is my house." She said pointing to a blue square on the paper. "Mommy said you can come to our house one day Daddy." She looked up at Cragen. "Papa comes and visits us." She said, patting his hand and Elliot felt another twinge of jealousy that he knew his daughter better than he did.
Elise kept talking. "Look" she said pointing to a one of the stick figures standing by the house and looking up at Cragen. "This is you Papa." She pointed to another stick figure with brown hair. "This is Mommy." She pointed to another stick figure standing next to that one. "And this is you Daddy." She looked up at him with a big smile on her face. "Do you want to come to our house Daddy?"
"I have to talk to your Mom about that but I'd really like that." He said.
Elise nodded her head. "I know Mommy wants you to come. She said she missed you and sometimes I see her cry." She said. "I don't want her to be sad."
"I don't want her to be sad either honey." He said trying to provide some comfort because it obviously bothered her.
"So you can fix it?" she asked, looking up at him with those beautiful brown eyes.
Everything Cragen had said about putting his daughter first was right. He had to figure out how he and Olivia could move forward so that he could be a part of her life. He had already missed out on her birth and the first four years. He wasn't going to miss another minute.
Author's Note: I know some of you are ready to kill me right now, and I know some of you are saying you've heard this story before, why does Liv do this kind of stuff, etc. etc. I know. But as a writer, these stories stick in your head and you can't get rid of them until you write them down. This story has been in my head a long time, and anyone that knows my writing knows that I try to stay true to the characters as much as possible. So you know Liv is how she is, and Elliot is how he is. And you know I believe in happy endings for these two. So bear with me. Or decide you don't want to read it. That's OK too. I'm going to post Chapter 2 shortly.