AN- Look, I had a craving to dip my toes in the waters of MCU crack fics, and a terrible idea dating back from an old RP, so I wrote this while half-awake and without double-checking much, so forgive it for being awful. Also, it literally could not take place at any time in canon, due to it having to take place, at very least, both in the middle of Age of Ultron and after Civil War. But as I said: crack fic. So, thank you, I only own my own ideas, and please enjoy! -Twilight Joltik
Gay for Steve Anonymous
By Twilight Joltik
The meeting was in an old storage room, decorated with a circle of fold-up chairs and a card table. Easily the cheapest decor in the entire tower, but to be fair, it wasn't really the kind of thing anyone at all was willing to put actual effort into.
It seemed like the kind of place no one would choose to be. There weren't enough chairs for everyone; Scott ended up leaning on the back of Clint's chair and Thor sat cross-legged between Bruce and Tony. The room was freezing cold. But, at least Coulson had brought cookies and lemonade, which made everyone half-certain the card table would collapse with the slight weight, but it managed to stay miraculously upright despite the wobbling.
No one knew how to start, so Tony just cleared his throat and tried to make himself sound at very least like he hadn't been the perpetrator.
"So," he started. "We have a problem on our hands."
Under his breath, Bucky started to say something along the lines of "I wouldn't really call it a problem…", but a jab in the shoulder from Sam stopped him.
"That problem being," Tony continued. "Steve Rogers. Or, more specifically, his sex appeal. And so, we have gathered here to find a solution to this plague in the first meeting of… well, I can't come up with a good name for it, but Sam called it Gay for Steve Anonymous and-"
"Is that what this is?", questioned Scott, raising his hand as if expecting to be called on despite interrupting. "This guy," he gestured towards Clint, who was just smugly smirking. "He just dragged me here without telling me what this was about. So yeah, I don't need to be here-"
"Do I need to remind you what happened at the airport?", Clint interjected. "Because I seem to remember you groping his chest and-"
Scott put his hand down.
"Alright, so, what exactly is it we're aiming to do here?", Bruce questioned. "Just find a way to tune it out so he isn't so damn distracting?"
"Uh…" Tony really didn't want to admit that he mostly just wanted to prove that he wasn't the only one who found himself thinking very-not-heterosexual thoughts around Steve Rogers, or that he hadn't really planned out what the point was going to be otherwise. So he just nodded. "Yes. Exactly. We need to counter… thing."
"But what are we supposed to do about it?", Coulson questioned. "Just ignore him?"
Silence- no one else had really thought that far either. Thor opened his mouth as if to speak, but closed it after a second, as if he'd thought better of the idea.
The only thing to break the awkward circle of hesitance was a knock at the door, and without thinking, Sam sprung up to open it.
Standing there was Steve Freaking Rogers, in all his glory, or rather in a t-shirt and jeans, looking at first cheerful before it quickly degraded into confusion.
And Sam closed the door and looked back with a wordless, panicked look.
"Okay, who told him this was a thing?", he asked everyone, and they exchanged accusatory looks and mutters.
"Who the hell would be that stupid?"
"Wasn't me, I can say that much…"
"Didn't tell a soul, 'sides this guy."
"No, of course not! Why would anyone-?"
Sam sighed. "Okay, let me rephrase this: did anyone tell someone who might have told Steve about this?"
Dead silence, until Thor slowly raised his hand. "I… invited Miss Romanoff, but she declined the invitation."
Tony facepalmed. "You… invited Natasha? Please tell me you're kidding."
"I assumed since the rest of us were invited, that it should be extended to her as well. I asked Vision as well, but he said he didn't experience such emotions."
"You… realize this is meant for men he's attracting, right?", Bruce questioned.
Thor said nothing, confirming that no, he did not realize that.
"Uh," Tony glanced nervously at the door. "Clint, you get rid of him."
With a shrug, Clint rose and opened the door as Scott quickly stole his seat. Steve was still gaping openly, his eyes quickly falling on every face in the room.
"Is this some sort of… party?", he questioned.
"Yeah," Clint quickly stated. "It's a party."
"Um, sorry to interrupt, then," Steve apologized, clearly a bit hurt at the prospect of not having been invited. "Nat just said she thought I should come in here. Said something about 'shopping'? But I don't think she meant anything about groceries. Is that a euphemism for something?"
Bucky quickly sprung to his feet and practically started pushing Steve away from the door. "Yeah, um, we were definitely going to invite you to this, but, um, someone needed to buy the…"
"Um, paper plates?", Coulson suggested.
"Yes! Paper plates! And we need you to go get those for us, alright?", he asked, and Steve just gave him a look of thorough unamusement.
He gave a dry laugh. "Seriously, I'm not stupid, what is this?"
"It's a HYDRA meeting, we're secretly plotting how to take over the world and stab you in the back," Tony provided with equal dryness. "Now run along so we can figure out whether to kill you with poison or a dramatic stabbing."
"Alright, fine," Steve conceded, holding his hands up in defeat and beginning to walk away, calling back "And for reference, I'd prefer stabbing!"
Clint closed the door back, and all was silent until Sam voiced a pretty universally-held opinion among the men gathered there.
"This was probably the worst idea we've ever had."