Once upon a time there was a sizzling beauty called Red Riding Hood. Now, before we proceed, it must be made clear that the Red Riding Hood who appears herein is a grown woman. As our story opens, Red Riding Hood was walking, as she had so many times before, through the forest where her grandmother resided. As Red Riding Hood was wearing a minimalistic version of her famous garment and very little else (other than high-heeled hiking boots) the alert reader will doubtless have already gathered that the true purpose of her journey was to attract the attention of The Wolf. The big community dance was coming up, and Red Riding Hood was determined The Wolf would take her.
She wandered lonely through the old forest. Squirrels hunted for nuts and birds brought worms to their nests, but The Wolf did not appear. She crossed a narrow bridge over a rushing river that carried logs downstream, showing the lumberjacks and jills had been busy at their trade, but she saw no sign of The Wolf. She passed gray rocks sparsely coated in green lichen, but….
Red Riding Hood began to feel uneasy. An unpleasant thought crossed her mind that perhaps The Wolf had found someone else to take to the dance, for the surrounding area was filled with fairytale heroines, each one who looked as though she had walked straight out of the pages of a classic pinup artist's portfolio. Red Riding Hood shuddered at the thought of Gwyneth "Snow" White, Keandra "Chicken" Little, or Gretel Ackerman getting their long fingernails into The Wolf. How could he possibly have an enjoyable time if he went with anyone other than her?
"Where is he?" she said aloud, turning a sharp corner in the path.
"Hey, baby," said The Wolf, leaning easily against a maple tree.
"Wolfy! How great to see you!" she shouted, forgetting, in her relief, to sound nonchalant.
"Good to see you too, baby," he replied, eyeing her appreciatively.
"I was just on my way to grandma's house." Red Riding Hood displayed her wicker basket. "To bring her some goodies, you know, like I do all the time." She turned her body slightly to shift her red cape so it showed off a bit more of her shapely legs, maneuvering smoothly to make it seem accidental. She untied the red ribbon from around her neck, briefly placing the thin cloth between her lips before hiding it away again. She dug a red apple from the basket and bit hungrily. "Who knows what other delights I've got hidden?"
"Yeah, it's a mystery, all right," The Wolf agreed.
"You heard about the big dance?" Red Riding Hood prompted, taking another bite.
"Yeah, about that, I can't really talk right now. There's this woodcutter nearby…"
"Well, so what?" demanded Red Riding Hood.
"So, I'll see you later, okay baby?"
"Hey, get back here!" shouted Red Riding Hood, angrily throwing the apple core after him, but The Wolf was gone, melted away between the trees. Red Riding Hood faintly heard the sound of someone walking through the underbrush, but, as stared about in disbelief, she found herself once again alone in the wilderness.
…..
"What was that all about?" Had a lumberjack threatened The Wolf, appointing himself the protector of all damsels who entered the forest? Did he have a jealous eye towards Red Riding Hood herself? "Well, I'm not interested in him, whoever he is," Red Riding Hood announced, "so he can cut it out!"
She shook her head. The Wolf's behavior had seemed odd, but not scared. Besides, he wasn't the sort to be impressed by threats, and from what she had seen, anyone who tangled with The Wolf invariably came off worse. So, what was really going on?
Despite what she had said earlier, Red Riding Hood not truly been on her way to visit her grandmother, for the elderly lady was not at home, but off on one of her globetrotting adventures, kayaking down in Belize. "And I'm pretty sure Wolfy knows she's away," Red said slowly. "He enjoys tie-up games, and I know that red ribbon got his attention. He probably saw his opportunity to nip down to her place to give me a surprise. I'll bet he made up that woodcutter. Yes, I'm certain Wolfy's at grandma's house right now, waiting for me!"
It is very easy to convince ourselves that something is true when we want it to be true, so Red Riding Hood did not consider any objections to her reasoning, but eagerly took the path to her grandmother's house, bouncing happily across another bridge spanning the winding river. Eventually, though, she forced herself to slow down. "After all, I need to give Wolfy plenty of time to get ready," she reasoned.
Red Riding Hood entered the security code and let herself into her grandmother's neat, little cottage. "Hi, grandma, it's me, Red!" she called out to what she hoped wasn't an empty house. "I've brought you another basket of goodies!"
There was an anxious moment of silence, and then, "Hi dear!" answered a high-pitched voice, weak and faint. "I'm sorry I can't get up to greet you, but I'm feeling poorly. Could you come into my room, dear?"
"Yes, grandma." Red Riding Hood smiled at such dreadful playacting. Her grandmother was never sick. The only reason she would ever be in bed in the middle of the day would be if her boyfriend came over for… Red Riding Hood shook the thought away. Her grandmother was a respectable old woman who never did things like that! She walked briskly into the bedroom.
"Come a little closer, dear," invited the figure hiding under the thick covers.
"You don't sound like my grandmother," Red Riding Hood said playfully.
"Of course I sound exactly like her, um, I mean, it's because I've got a sore throat. I hope you've some cough drops in your basket."
"No, that's not it," Red Riding Hood disagreed. "I think it's because you're really a dangerous intruder who's planning on tying me up. Most unfortunately, I even brought some rope along in my basket to help you with your wicked plot!"
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do! Turn around and put your hands behind your back and don't resist or it'll go the worse for you!"
"Oh, no, what am I going to do?" giggled Red Riding, complying with mock meekness. She closed her eyes. "Those ropes are so tight against my wrists. I'll never get my hands free, no matter how I… ouch! Wolfy! You really need to trim your claws. They're so long and sharp!"
"All the better to tie you up, dear, and don't call me Wolfy. That's not my name. It's Juliana!"
Red Riding Hood spun around and stared in disbelief at the athletic blonde standing before her, dressed only in a naughty nightie, a baby-blue slip with a lacy, white trim that covered even less than did Red Riding Hood's garment. "Who are you?"
"I told you, I'm Juliana."
"Well, what do you want, iJuliana/i?" demanded Red Riding Hood.
"Wolfy, and you're my main competition. I was looking for him when I overheard your pathetic attempt to wrangle a dance invite from him. I hurried here and made plans. I expected him first, thus my change of clothing. Your grandmother certainly has some interesting sleepwear," she added conversationally, as if speaking about the weather.
Red Riding Hood narrowed her eyes. "You wouldn't happen to be a woodcutter, would you?"
"Not that it's any of your business, but, yes, I'm a lumberjill."
"I hope you realize that's very environmentally unfriendly, chopping down those trees."
Juliana rolled her eyes. "Don't give me that. We plant two trees for every one we harvest. Anyhow, I'm not here to debate issues with you." She wadded a handkerchief. "Thankfully, you'll shortly find it very hard to talk about anything. Open up!"
"Mmm-mmm," disagreed Red Riding Hood, keeping her lips firmly pressed together.
"You may as well," said Juliana. "With your hands already out of the way, you won't be able to do much to stop me. I'll eventually finish the job of binding and gagging you, so why don't you make things easier on the both of us and cooperate?"
Juliana's words proved sadly correct. Red Riding Hood tried to put up a fight, but she could not prevent Juliana from winding ropes around her legs, tightly binding them together, nor placing cords about her torso, securing her arms. The most difficult part was placing the handkerchief inside Red Riding Hood's mouth, but with all the exertion, Red Riding Hood had to take a deep gulp of air and Juliana finally succeeded. Juliana finished her efforts by placing several strips of gray duct tape across Red Riding Hood's lower face.
"That was quite a job," Juliana remarked as Red Riding Hood struggled vainly to free herself from her bonds. The lumberjill methodically checked her impeccably manicured fingernails for damage, and casually slipped into a long trench coat hanging in the closet. She stood before the bedroom's full-length mirror and flung the coat open in a fluid motion, revealing the naughty nightie underneath. "What do you think Wolfy will say when he gets an eyeful of this?" she asked, admiring her reflection as she experimented with the motion several more times, until she felt she had the effect Just Right. "I'll throw him a real curve, wouldn't you say?"
"Mpfff," Red Riding Hood said angrily.
"I think he'll be quite suitably impressed, myself." Juliana tightened the coat belt and hunted under the bed for her shoes. "He has quite a taste for cheesecake, I've observed. Right, well, it's clear he isn't coming here, so I'll have to track him down. First, though, we need to get you out of the way."
…..
"I realize it's only natural for someone in your position to wiggle around in her ropes, but you might want to rethink that strategy. You don't want to turn yourself over so you're face down in the water with no way to right yourself again. Just a suggestion."
Red Riding Hood glared with silent loathing up at Juliana. Her arms were bound against her sides. Thick ropes secured her to a massive tree trunk floating in the river, with one long strand tied to a sapling on the shore. "It'll be a bumpy journey to the sawmill," Juliana continued. "There won't be anyone there when you arrive, so you'll spend a cold and wet night waiting. As you lie there, you can think about me and Wolfy at the dance… if I don't give him ideas about something else we can do, that is!"
She sawed the connecting cord with a pocketknife. The line snapped and Red Riding Hood jerked forward. "Enjoy the ride!" Juliana called out. "Oh, and mind the waterfall!"
"What waterfall‽" Red Riding Hood screamed incoherently. She lifted her head slightly, trying to see where she was going. Water splashed over her, chilling her instantly. The ordeal reminded her of a log flume ride she had once shared with The Wolf at an amusement park. It had been a hot, sticky day; the delightful cooling water had seemed wonderfully refreshing, although they had been completely drenched afterwards. This experience was quite the opposite; she felt she had never been so miserably wet and cold in all her life. "Please, let it stop!" she pleaded as she passed under a bridge.
She had her wish after sweeping around a bend. Several logs were jammed against the bank, bobbing and jousting amongst one another, seemingly anxious to be on their way again. The stop did Red Riding Hood little good, however. Although she was no longer moving, she still could not find an escape from her bonds. She tried calling out for help, but the thick gag muffled her cries.
Although part of her realized that no one could possibly hear her, another part entertained the idea of a rescuer suddenly dashing through the underbrush, hopping over the logs, slicing her free, and triumphantly carrying back to shore in his arms. As nice as the idea sounded, however, the forest remained silent except for the rushing of the river, the chirping of the crickets, and her own soft calls for help. Several minutes passed, and then, with an unpleasant lurch, she was on her way once again.
The log had turned around in the jam, so she now faced the opposite direction. Rather than seeing where she was going, she saw where she had been. The riverbanks flew past her. She seemed to be moving faster than ever, the river's roar growing ominously louder. With a sinking heart, Red Riding Hood realized she must be approaching Juliana's waterfall.
"M
,,,,,p
,,,,,,f
,,,,,,,f
,,,,,,,,f
,,,,,,,,,!" she shrieked as she plunged down.
A spray of water flew up into the air, raining back down on the captive damsel. The log bobbed uncertainly as Red Riding Hood took deep breaths through her nose, thankful she had not overturned. She tried to shake some water from her head and hair, feeling she would never be dry again. Despite Juliana's warning, she struggled wildly, twisting her body in an effort to find some give in the ropes. To her relief, her actions did not turn the log over, but to her disappointment, they did nothing to free her.
And the journey continued, speeding her away from any chance of attending the dance at all, much less with The Wolf. Something dramatic had to happen for this story to have a Happy Ending, and fast!
The log passed under another bridge, temporarily blotting out the sun and making her feel colder and more pessimistic than ever. As she emerged, she saw a dark blur falling to her side, followed by a splash. She opened her brown eyes wide in disbelief as a furry head popped up from the water.
"Hey, baby," said The Wolf. "Saw you passing by, so I dropped in."
"Thank you," Red Riding Hood tried to say as The Wolf swam alongside the log, steering it until, with a gentle thump, it rested against the shore. A minute later, The Wolf had her untied.
"Thank you," Red Riding Hood repeated, only this time clearly, despite her teeth chattering. It felt so good to be on solid ground once again, and having The Wolf by her side helped her mood as well.
"No problem, baby." The Wolf shook himself vigorously, drying himself off in a trice, but water continued pouring off Red Riding Hood. "Hey, you need to get out of those wet clothes!"
"No, Wolfy, I can't take them off here; I don't have any others to change into."
"Just don't want you all wet and uncomfortable, baby,"
"Don't worry about it, Wolfy. The sun's out, so I'll dry quickly." Indeed, the sun's intense rays were filling the heroine with warmth and optimism. She started to speak, but paused, longing to ask The Wolf if he'd seen Juliana, but not wanting to remind him about the lumberjill. "Um, Wolfy, about the dance tonight…."
"I'll pick you up at eight, baby," he replied.
…..
Red Riding Hood looked stunning in a red ball gown that shimmered and sparkled, giving off dazzling flickers of light so that she appeared as if covered in flames. The Wolf, standing next to her, looked impeccable in a tuxedo expertly tailored for him, his black tie a perfect butterfly knot.
Juliana was at the dance as well, her gown a shade of pink that looked to Red Riding Hood like an itchy skin rash. It seemed the sort of unflattering garment bridesmaids were required to wear. "I can't believe she'd wear something so tacky to a dance," Red Riding Hood reflected, "but I suppose spending all that time around burly lumberjacks isn't the best way to develop good fashion sense."
Juliana looked as though she wanted to slide over and steal The Wolf away for a dance or two, or even several, but Red Riding Hood flashed a look that made her rival decide to keep her distance. "After all I went through, she deserves a lot worse than to be left standing alone, but I suppose that's the best payback I can expect," Red Riding Hood thought.
Juliana did not stand alone for long, though. First she danced with Gwyneth "Snow" White's date, then with Keandra "Chicken" Little's partner, and finally with Gretel Ackerman's boyfriend. A few minutes later she disappeared into the ladies' restroom, followed by those three angry women. Gwyneth, Keandra, and Gretel arrived back out shortly, giggling amongst themselves, but curiously enough, Juliana did not grace the dance with her presence again that evening.
Red Riding Hood did not worry very much about the lumberjill's mysterious disappearance. She enjoyed her time with The Wolf, who was an excellent dancer. "You aren't thinking about anyone else, are you Wolfy?" she asked when the band concluded one number.
"No, baby, you're the only one for me," he replied, wagging his tail happily.
Red Riding Hood sighed, wanting it to be true. She'd heard The Wolf say things like that before, only to watch him become fascinated with some new female. "But I'm on the right track," she told herself as The Wolf swept her across the dance floor in time with the music. "I can't say I've reached my Happily Ever After just yet, but I'm confident I'll get there!"
The End
"No, it's not the end!" Juliana fumed silently. A thick cloth was tied over her lower face, with more cloth inside her mouth. Ropes tied her legs together. Her wrists were lashed together over her head against a pipe. She pulled down, straining with her powerful arm muscles, but could not slip her hands through.
The ladies' restroom was a busy place. Women kept entering, but no matter how loudly Juliana mewed into her gag, they would simply go about their business, either ignoring her or giving her cold looks. The door swung closed and Juliana was alone was alone once again.
She pulled again, but still the ropes held. "I iwill/i get loose of this," she promised herself fiercely, "and when I do, there'll be more to come in this story!"