In Spying, Love, and War: A This Means War Fanfiction Story
Author's Note: For everyone that really hates This Means War, I apologize in advance for making a fanfiction around it. For everyone that might have really liked it, I don't have to apologize. Either way, this is my possibly impossible attempt to make a version of This Means War that everyone can like.
Side Notes: This is my version of This Means War the movie, discounting a gross invasion of privacy and anything else unnecessary to have in this version. So, if you haven't seen or read about the movie, you can. But, it isn't required to understand this story.
Chapter 1:
One night, over Hong Kong...
A helicopter is flying over the city. Chinese skyscrapers of dark purple, gold, and pale green seem to sparkle brighter than the stars themselves.
A pale bluish green binocular like lock comes over the tactical screen.
Two pictures of similar looking men with medium very dark brown hair come off to the side of the lock.
At a C.I.A. headquarters... A woman among many guys and women is at the computers, facing this particular screen among many.
She has fairly short black hair, a yellow beady necklace, and a dark brown overcoat. Her name is Collins.
Collins reports, "all eyes are up. Sat cams are good. Target is inbound. ETA is five minutes."
On top of a silvery lined skyscraper with a mostly dark blue helicopter pad... There stand two field agents in black suits and ties.
One of them has medium frontless very dark brown hair, faint stubble around his face, and no mustache. Off the field, he goes by the nickname FDR.
The second field agent has somewhat more clean shaven frontless black hair, faint stubble around his face, and a faint mustache. Off the field, he goes by the nickname TBN or just simply Tuck.
There's a fancy party going on. Most everyone is wearing black and mingling with drinks.
Over FDR's and TBN's comlinks... Collins tells them, "your first mission is a go. Repeat, you are green to go. Intercept and apprehend the Heinrich brothers. Secure the device. And remember spy cadets, this mission is covert. You mess this up, you'll be hoping for King Kong himself to break through your bars."
The transmission cuts off.
They both shake their heads, looking annoyed.
They head inside.
The walls are mostly light red. Gold banners make up the pillars and sections of the ceiling.
A almost sun like ball hangs from the center of the ceiling, illuminating most of the floor with light. Abstract paintings of black splotches, mostly green, and angelic clouds mostly line the walls. The chiming dance music is kind of loud.
FDR and TBN faintly smile, catching sight of some girls close to the bar.
One has a metal studded very dark blue vest, red lipstick, and has long dyed orangish red hair with a straight trim in front. The other girl with her has her dark brown hair tied in a bun, wears a black sleeveless dress, and holds a black cell phone and pager.
With a soft spoken voice a little rough on the edges... FDR confidently says, "I've got some action."
With some natural thickness in his voice... TBN kind of confidently comments, "yeah. Better not the giant sized kind."
FDR very faintly chuckles. He adds, "yep."
They head to the bar area, right between most of the doors in and out.
Right away... The woman with the metal studded very dark vest introduces herself to them, "hi. My name is Xenia."
TBN says, "pleased to meet you. I'm Dean."
FDR says, "Frank Castol."
TBN first shakes Xenia's hand. Then, FDR shakes her hand.
Xenia adds, "this is my public relations agent. But, don't mind her. She just mostly takes notes."
FDR very faintly laughs. He figures, "noted."
He kisses Xenia's hand before he lets go.
Xenia very faintly chuckles.
She then brings up, "so what brings you to Hong Kong? Business or pleasure?"
FDR quickly says, "pleasure." TBN quickly says, "business."
With a slight turn to TBN... FDR adds, "a little of both."
Xenia asks, "what kind then, if you don't mind my asking?"
FDR answers, "not even slightly. I am a cruise ship captain of a very large vessel. I have a kick ass agent of my own: Only in travel."
He briefly turns back to him on the last part. TBN just smiles.
Xenia supposes, "permission to come aboard, captain?"
Her PR agent then whispers something to her.
Xenia realizes, "oh right. I still got that business meeting tomorrow. Maybe we can go easy on the drinks?"
Then, from the corner of his eye... TBN notices the helicopter starting to land on the helicopter pad.
TBN concludes, "on that note... Will you excuse us for now ladies? Because I just realized our accountant is coming back out any minute, and going over the tickets before the ship takes off tomorrow would be good for work."
He puts a light but firm hand on FDR's shoulder as a hint.
FDR kind of loudly whispers, "no we don't."
TBN kind of loudly whispers back, "if we want to keep jobs, yes we do."
Not looking phased at all... Xenia firmly nods, "okay. Be back soon?"
FDR adds, "count on it."
TBN and FDR walk toward the helicopter.
Men in black suits and ties are already coming in, heading for a private room. Among them, one of the Heinrich brothers is carrying a large silver briefcase.
TBN and FDR walk into a left empty side hall, not far from the room.
They draw out pistols, keeping them by their sides as they load them.
With halves of a gold medallion... The dark red private room door is shut closed.
From the side... The guard by the door is suddenly knocked out with a gun hilt.
FDR is standing with his back to him, using his body to shield TBN from view.
TBN acts like he just stumbled and fell. And, the crowd barely even notices.
Soon as the coast is clear... TBN and FDR fast walk through the door.
Around then...
Chinese, Japanese, and American men in black suits and ties are all there and accounted for.
Among them are three black suitcases: Each carrying hundreds of millions in cash.
With noticeable disdain... One of them comments, "I see you brought your baby brother to protect you."
Karl Heinrich is holding the open silvery briefcase. He has medium frontless hair and stubble, whereas his brother standing behind him has kind of spike tipped hair in front and no stubble.
Over the black felt inside, there's a green capped gold capsule: With stuffed papers with schematics and codes for a missile system that can be invisible to all known devices and the naked eye.
The prototype's indent is also in the black felt: It's just invisible.
Karl glares. He concludes, "you know, I was thinking of putting this up to sell to the high bidder. But, now, you've made me unhappy."
The businessman was about to pull out his pistol...when Karl's brother pulls out his.
He shoots the businessman in the chest. He falls dead.
In the confusion... Karl angrily shoots his pistol at the other businessmen.
Most of them fall dead on the floor.
Some of them retreat through the back, clutching their sides. Some dark red liquid drips from behind them.
Just then... FDR and TBN barge in, pistols out and ready.
Still glaring... Karl whirls around...firing shots at them too in seconds.
Bullets make holes in the door.
FDR and TBN duck by a black couch. The shots barely miss them.
On the other side of the door... Security men are busy rushing everyone else out.
Karl calls out, "come on Jonas!"
Jonas is grabbing two of the black briefcases. Karl is already fast walking through a second backway, heading for a helicopter pad down some gold tinted back stairs.
A unpiloted black helicopter is already waiting for them.
TBN tumble slides into Jonas, tackling him.
The briefcases go flying.
But... Some of Karl's men come back...punching TBN down hard.
He reactively lets go, barely tumbling back to his feet with a hard groan.
Jonas and Karl run for it.
FDR spin punches around at one of Karl's men with the hilt of his pistol. He falls knocked out on the ground.
FDR then runs after Jonas and Karl.
TBN is pinned down by two men.
But...TBN tumble kicks one of them off.
The man crashes through the splintered table, groaning violently.
In a second... TBN tumble slams the other guy to the floor.
Even though he's coughing violently and with a bloody nose... He reaches for a knife.
TBN though easily shoots him several times from the floor. He falls dead.
FDR gets out on the helicopter pad.
As Karl and Jonas start to get in... FDR shoots up the navigation pad.
Karl shoves his brother out of the helicopter in time. But, Jonas is clutching his bruised side on the helicopter pad.
Karl then whirls around, shooting back at FDR.
FDR runs around the helicopter pad, coming for Jonas. The shots all miss.
Jonas shoots at FDR. But, he side steps in time.
Soon, FDR and Jonas are wrestling over their guns. Their guns shoot off aimlessly at the sky and the helicopter.
Karl is about to shoot FDR...when TBN side kicks him violently down.
Karl doubles over, violently groaning. He's clutching his side.
TBN is about ready to shoot him...when Karl from the ground suddenly violently kicks him away.
TBN slides all the way to the edge of the pad.
Looking all too satisfied... Karl turns back to FDR: Thinking TBN fell off.
TBN barely grabs on in time...coughing violently and struggling to hang on the edge.
FDR punches Jonas off...right off the pad.
He screams.
And, with a loud crash... He lands into the shattering glass of a speeding brown car.
He falls dead instantly. The car crashes into another car, causing a massive pileup.
Karl stands there, fairly stunned.
TBN is pulling himself onto the pad and back on his feet. But, he starts to slip.
FDR is about to shoot Karl right there. But...he notices TBN slipping.
FDR lowers his gun. He fast walks over to help up TBN.
As he's helping him up... Karl gets on a parachute backpack.
He calls back angrily, "this is not over!"
FDR and TBN come back to fire at him.
But...Karl is already halfway down by parachute. He's too far away.
TBN comments under his breath, "Heinrich is not happy."
Sounding more casual than he looked... FDR figures, "I'm more concerned about the boss. This was our first mission out of spy academy, and he just got away. I couldn't let you fall. But..."
He faintly sniffles, a little teary eyed.
With a assuring hand on his shoulder... TBN says, "definitely."
FDR firmly nods. He adds, "thanks."
They both walk over to the open helicopter to get the silvery briefcase.
FDR clears away some of the fallen glass with his sleeve covered arm.
As TBN gets the slivery briefcase... FDR wonders, "you think those girls are still here?"
TBN very faintly laughs. He figures, "I doubt it. Come on. I'll buy you a drink soon as we get back."
Sounding a little better... FDR comments offhandedly, "yep. Least that's something there."
The next day, in a big city somewhere in California...
FDR and TBN are in a mostly aqua blue office. They're both in black buttoned overshirts. FDR is in a light blue buttoned shirt, while TBN is in a black T-shirt.
But, as they look down nervously... Collins is addressing them, and she does not look happy.
She puts down a copy of a Chinese newspaper on a very dark blue desk. It shows on the front page the pile up from last night, with a lot of calling out people.
But, right next to the picture is a kind of zoomed in picture taken by a Chinese helicopter...of FDR and TBN getting the silvery briefcase out of the helicopter.
Collins cuttingly says, "the Heinrich mission was supposed to be covert. Thanks to you two "geniuses", the MSS and most of China are threatening to declare the five men who died in the pile up a terrorist act and start a world war. They look for most any excuse these days. But, Karl Henrich is out seeking revenge for his brother. And, because we can't take any chances with him... You're grounded until I say otherwise."
At the same time... FDR and TBN murmurs nervously, "grounded."
Not long after...
They're in their shared CIA accommodated room complex, sitting by their very dark blue desks.
Their desks are directly facing each other on opposite ends of the wide living room area.
The pool view for their pool above has been shuttered close with metal shutters. The windows on the white walls are shuttered.
The black TV set, the silvery gray boombox, the video game consoles under the TV set... Everything electric but the ceiling lights and the kitchen appliances is turned off.
The paintings of evergreens and Italian streets are just a slimmer of the outside world.
FDR and TBN groan in frustration, tapping their fingers on the empty desks and bored out of their minds.
Around then, over in a corporate skyscraper building...
The morning light looks over the city block the mostly white marble like building looks over. It's for SCG Inc: Also known as Smart Consumer Grounds Inc.
Inside of the SCG building... There's a office with bright white testing worktables and yellow warning signs on all the metallic testing equipment. The box patterns on the walls go from dark red to light yellow.
Many women and men in white lab coats, safety goggles, and yellow safety gloves are there testing products.
One certain woman with long sunny champagne blond hair tied back in a bun is testing flame resistance on some pans with a old fashioned flamethrower. Unlike the others there, she wears a buttoned up black lab coat that blends with her black pants.
With a almost southern yet cooled off voice... Lauren says to herself, "here we go."
After burning the not already burnt pan before her... She turns off the flamethrower and gets out a fire extinguisher to ensure the flames die down.
She then takes out a notepad from her lab coat and begins to jot down notes.
On the pad, she writes down:
So the Coretex has minimal damage. There's some calcining around the edges.
However, the Tempolite has damage and there's rusting around 300 degrees. So that means the Coretex gets the recommend.
At the end of the notes though, she frustratedly sighs.
And, she can't help but think:
The best product always win.
I like my job. But...even my friend Em who works here gets to skip out a bit early for the holiday weekend to go out on a date with Jerry to a alpaca farm.
Shit, I even had a boyfriend all the way through high school. When do I really get to win big?
That late afternoon, in a supermarket...
Lauren is now in a dark purple sleeveless top. Her long hair is let down, and she has a dark brown leather handbag over her shoulder with a long strap.
She's shopping around with her best friend Trish: Rolling around a shopping cart with several green glass bottles of booze kind of clinking together next to a wrapped up batch of toilet paper rolls.
Trish wears a striped blue and white T-shirt. She has her blond hair tied back in a drawn up ponytail, silvery hoop earrings, and has a dark blue handbag with a somewhat long strap over her shoulder.
Lauren sighs out loud. She goes, "ugh!"
With a kind of deep southern accent... Trish wonders, "what? Can't think of anything but Steve again?"
They both pause between aisles. Most people walking by with their carts just roll by, rushing to buy more stuff for this holiday weekend.
After a bit... Lauren blushes nervously a little.
She says, "it's just... I felt so stupid. Through high school, I left my friends and family behind to spend all my time with him. We were so happy. I day dream we're still together when no one else is around. Then I wake up."
With a uneasy look... Trish comments, "you know how many times you've told me this, Lauren?"
Awkwardly... Lauren guesses, "over 2000?"
Trish explains outright, "I'm happy to be your friend, Lauren. But...that's what I still don't get with your love life. You estimate good. You can make charts. You can tell me what detergent is good to use without looking at the label. You like your job and shit. So, why can't you be as good with getting a man if that's what you really want?"
Lauren paces nervously down the mostly vacant aisle of greeting cards. Half of them are gone from the vertical shelves.
Trish catches up, rolling the cart not far behind her.
Lauren then stops at a light blue Valentine's Day card.
But, instead of picking it up... She turns back to face Trish.
Sounding kind of desperate... Lauren says lowly, "I'm going out! Dating...meeting guys like Ken."
Trish rolls her eyes in disbelief.
She exclaims lowly, "oh please Lauren: He's the sushi guy you see every Tuesday to get takeout! And, I don't mean making out either."
Looking down... Lauren heavily sighs.
She says under her breath, "you're right. It's just... Being with someone for mostly four years before he dumped me... Heavy sigh. It's hard, Trish. It's really hard."
Trish very faintly smiles. She tries to be assuring, "but at least you're now admitting it. That's a start."
Lauren very faintly smiles back.
After a bit... Trish suggests, "that's why you should take my suggestion and start online dating. They have lots of charts and balls to test out."
Lauren very faintly chuckles at a certain word, and it wasn't charts.
Then though... She comments annoyedly, "for the 2000th time, not that again. I watch Dateline and the creeps on there for my drama shows: It doesn't mean I want to live it. I could end up in a trunk...or in a skin suit."
She looks very nervous now.
Trish moderately sighs. She says, "okay, okay. That's a little dramatic to me. The girls that go up on Dateline are like one in a hundred girls. Besides, if someone tried to kill you, I still have some contacts for some big guys that can get them to back away. Just please...at least think about it over the holidays. I know we're living together. But, do you really have anything else better to do?"
She gets out a folded up printout of a advertisement from her handbag, handing it to Lauren.
Lauren reluctantly unfolds it for a bit before putting it away in her handbag.
It says ItsFate dot net across it in polished white letters: Bordered around by yellow and purple confetti and light blue over them.
Lauren very faintly nods. Trish very faintly smiles.
That night, in FDR's and TBN's room...
Several dark green bottles of spilled half drunk booze are on the wooden floor.
Bullet holes are in some broken off pieces of wood. Their pistols are still spinning on the floor for who knows what reason.
TBN's very dark green griffon tattoos are showing on his upper arms.
And, under a shared white sheet... FDR and TBN are lying topless in front of each other, groaning kind of dizzily.
FDR murmurs, "god, I love drinking. But... Hiccup! How much did we have?"
TBN moderately sighs uncomfortably, "too much. Hiccup! Did we just...do it with each other?"
FDR comments offhandedly, "I don't know. I was too drunk to remember. Hiccup! But...did we?"
TBN wonders, "I don't know. But, you know..."
FDR kind of groggily asks, "what?"
TBN reasons, "we're bisexual and grounded. The electricity is off: Even for the bugs the CIA might have placed. You checked yourself this morning. Does it matter? We don't have the same families."
FDR looks nervous at him.
He argues, "are you kidding me? You're my best friend: We might as well be. I don't know about you sometimes. But, my nana would never forgive me for screwing a man."
In near disbelief... TBN remarks, "I don't believe you sometimes. We're secret agents, and you know she'd have strong words to say about killing for the . How is bisexuality any different here?"
FDR faintly laughs.
After a bit... He brings up, "that's true. But...I don't really know if I want to date you. We might have grown up in different families. But, we're family. Sorry. I... I'm just not sure I can really answer that question for you."
TBN puts a assuring hand on his.
He concludes, "I think it's different here. But, okay man. Just let me know when you can."
FDR uncomfortably nods. He just says, "okay."
There's some awkward silence for who knows how long.
After that though... FDR more casually recalls, "remember that family gathering at my Nana's when you said that kind of thing is lovely?"
TBN faintly smiles. He figures, "the way your nana and grandfather looked into each other's eyes?"
With a faint smile... FDR lightly goes, "yeah. That kind of thing. I'd like to hear it again right now."
TBN faintly nods.
He recalls, "I trust you. I know you'd do anything for me. You would take a bullet for me. I would for you as well, you know that. But... Can you imagine all of that? Can you imagine what that would be like to share with a woman?"
FDR bluntly just says, "no."
TBN laughs at that.
FDR comments annoyedly, "okay. I'm lost: What's not serious about this?"
TBN slightly sighs.
Then... TBN concludes, "sorry man. It's just... Faint laugh. When has that stopped you from going after women?"
FDR very faintly smiles at that.
Kind of annoyedly... He concludes, "yeah: Except I never got far. They always end up leaving on the first date. I'd like to see you do better: Maybe give me some pointers."
TBN suddenly looks down. He gets teary eyed.
FDR asks in concern, "you want to talk about something else, Mr. Deep in Thought?"
TBN reasons solemnly, "several months ago...my ex-wife had a restraining order put on me after the karate incident. Maybe it's time we both really got back into dating with women."
They both very faintly smile.
FDR lightly remarks, "I'd toast to that. But...you know."
They both suddenly remember the spilled bottles on the floor.
TBN kind of awkwardly goes, "ohh yeah. We got to clean this up before the boss comes down."
FDR nods. He adds, "yeah. You're faster than me with this. So...good luck while I keep watch for you."
As TBN starts to get up... He comments back annoyedly, "yep. I'm so lucky."
As he puts his hand behind his head to relax more, FDR just laughs.
A week later, in Trish's and Lauren's house...
It's early dawn.
The walls are pale white. Reddish brown and gray patterned curtains are by the window.
The dining room table is metallic black with some flowers and a rectangle striped mostly red tablecloth.
The lamp is still on behind the dining room table. A set of polished wood like stairs head up. Trish's kid is sleeping upstairs.
And, sitting at the dining room table is Lauren with her purplish black cell phone out.
She looks kind of tired. She is yawing quite a bit.
She's wearing a very dark purple sleeveless top under a gray sweatshirt and has pearl like earrings.
She keeps frustratedly looking at a online profile for ItsFate dot net: With her picture on it and a header of "come and get me boys".
In the gallery, photoshopped pictures of her feeling up women and men in some swimsuits and some workout clothes are there. There's also a picture showing her doing a handstand and enjoying herself while several guys are stripping her.
Lauren sighs heavily, "oh crap."
Then... Trish comes down in a pale pink bathrobe. Her wet hair is just starting to dry.
She says, "hi. You're up early. What's...?"
With a sharp glare... Lauren gets up.
She annoyedly turns the cell phone screen to face her.
Lauren shot back lowly, "bisexual?! Skinny-dipping?! Rollerblading 1994 much? I mean, what is this? I'm going to kill you Trish!"
Caught up in the moment... She looks about ready to just throw the cell phone at her.
Trish puts up her hands like she's got a gun.
She nervously calls out, "Lauren, I'll change it back after the weekend! You didn't know what to fill out and you came to me. Guys are easy to get. After then, there's no harm done. Anyone at SCG would think it was just a internet prank. Okay?! Please just calm down."
They just stand there for a few long minutes, very nervously breathing in and out.
After a bit... Trish says with some relief, "thank you."
Lauren blushes.
Embarrassed sounding... Lauren checks, "you sure that's all they'll think at Smart Consumer Grounds?"
Trish puts a assuring hand on hers.
She insists, "yes. Besides, you look adorable in all of them. I did good photoshop."
Lauren very faintly chuckles. She replies, "yes you have. But, I was thinking of putting the stripping one up anyway. Freshman year. Those were good days."
Trish concludes, "I bet they were."
She then notices Lauren looking at her cell phone again. Lauren seems stunned.
Sounding joyful all of a sudden... Lauren says out loud, "oh my god. Wait a second."
With a faint smile... Trish lightly comments, "you already picked a guy? I'm proud of you. Give it."
Trish faintly smiles back as she hands her the cell phone to look.
Trish adds, "not my kind of guy. But, he looks nice."
Lauren says, "I think he's cute."
And, on the cell phone screen... There's TBN's own profile on ItsFate dot net.