Panchito and His Radio
Characters: Panchito Cast
Panchito is my comedy fanfiction series. This is a possible excerpt.
One day, Panchito Pistoles was driving and had a conversation with his radio. This is what happened:
PANCHITO(singing while driving): Girl you can tell everybody, yeah you can tell everybody, go ahead and tell everybody I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man. Yes I am, yes I am, yes I am. I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man.
(Radio changes frequency by itself)
(Panchito turns changes the station and switches it back to the station he was listening to)
RADIO: Hey what's happening man?
(Panchito does nothing and continues driving)
RADIO: Yo, rooster! I said what's happening?
(Panchito looks at Radio in surprise)
PANCHITO: Are you talking to me?
RADIO: Naw, I'm just producing words and forming sentences. Of course I'm talking to ya, how you doing?
PANCHITO (awkwardly): Fine I guess.
RADIO: What's the matter Panch?
PANCHITO: Nothing, just, I'm talking to my radio.
RADIO: Well I'm talking to a rooster.
PANCHITO: True.
(Panchito pulls into a Wendy's)
WENDY'S DRIVE THRU WORKER (speaking through intercom): Hi, welcome to Wendy's how may I help you?
PANCHITO: Yes, I'll have a-
RADIO: Thirty-Seven Double Stacks, Forty Orders of the Large Fry, Sixty-Two Frosty's, and Fifty Baconators please.
WENDY'S DRIVE THRU WORKER (rather surprised): Wow, will that be all sir?
PANCHITO: No he's crazy, ignore him he's just-
RADIO: Yes!
WENDY'S DRIVE THRU WORKER: Alright, that'll be $9,684.75 please pull around to the first available window.
(Panchito looks at Radio as he drives around)
PANCHITO: I hate you.
RADIO: What, I'm hungry!
PANCHITO: In case you aren't aware, you're a radio. An inanimate object.
RADIO: Inanimate object my ass.
PANCHITO: You don't have an ass.
(Panchito rolls window down, pays for food and struggles with the large amount of it that is given to him at once)
RADIO: Need some help?
PANCHITO (Muffled Voice due to the bags that are covering his entire body. He slowly removes them): What I need is for you to die!
RADIO: Well, since I'm an inanimate object and can't physically die from anything that's pretty much impossible.
PANCHITO (still struggling with food bags): We'll see about that.
(A horn honks, a car is behind him)
WENDY'S DRIVE-THRU WORKER: That'll be $9,684.75 sir.
(Panchito grumbles as he pulls out his wallet, his debit card, and hands it to the worker. The worker swipes it and hands it back to him)
WENDY'S DRIVE-THRU WORKER: Have a nice day sir.
PANCHITO (gives a fake smile): You too.
RADIO (wolf whistles at Wendy's Drive-Thru Worker who is a female): Man, you are fine, like a devil fox, or a shoe, yeah, you're fine, like a shoe, but not just any shoe, you're Nike, because you know, you just do it. Yeah, I know, it's crazy, me, you, human, thing, it just wouldn't work out, but you know what, screw society! We'll make it work baby, just you, me, and my knob which you can turn, and turn, and turn.
PANCHITO: Shut up!
WENDY'S DRIVE THRU WORKER (looks at Panchito): What did you just say?
PANCHITO: Nothing
WENDY'S DRIVE-THUR WORKER: Did you say that you want to have sex with me?
PANCHITO: Um, no
RADIO (Panchito impression): Um, yes
PANCHITO (looks at Radio): No!
RADIO (continues with impression): Yes!
WENDY'S DRIVE-THRU WORKER: I'm calling the police.
PANCHITO and RADIO: No!
PANCHITO: I'm sorry, it's my radio that's being rude and inconsiderate.
WENDY'S DRIVE-THRU WORKER: Your radio?
(Panchito nods)
PANCHITO: Si, I don't believe it either. He's plum loco, I'm going to get him fixed tomorrow.
WENDY'S DRIVE-THRU WORKER: Okay sir, have a nice day.
(Panchito drives down the road towards Terry Dicks house)
RADIO: Can you pass me a fry please?
PANCHITO: No, you humiliated me and made me look like a creeper in front of decent woman.
RADIO: You liked her didn't you.
PANCHITO: That's not what I meant.
RADIO: Well what did you meanthen?
(Panchito turns Radio off and takes a breath)
PANCHITO: Just accept it Panchito, you're crazy.
(Radio turns back on)
RADIO: Yes you are now feed me please.
PANCHITO: Right sure. I'll do that.
(Panchito pulls into Terry's driveway)
(Terry is at the mailbox checking mail, he looks over and see the mountain of Wendy's bags next to Panchito)
TERRY: Holy shit, what the hell did you do?
PANCHITO (eyes closed, head against the headrest, a sigh): Ask the music amplifying appliance what the hell I did.
TERRY: What?
(Panchito motions Terry over. Terry walks over to the door. Panchito points towards the radio.)
PANCHITO: Speak to him if you want to know.
(Radio does nothing and is silent)
(Terry looks at Panchito, wondering if he's crazy)
TERRY: Um...Panchito, did you smoke hemp today?
PANCHITO: I don't do drugs.
TERRY: Did Jose give you some?
PANCHITO: No, he quit.
TERRY: Did Donald?
PANCHITO: He's on too many anger management medications to do it anyway even if he wanted to Terry.
TERRY: Are you crazy?
PANCHITO: No. This radio told me to buy all of this food. Can't you hear him. He's mocking me right now. Laughing in my face. He thinks it's funny.
TERRY: Um, no it's not.
(Panchito opens his eyes and looks at Terry confused)
PANCHITO: What do you mean he's not of course he-
(Panchito turns toward Radio)
PANCHITO: Oh no, you're not playing that card!
(Panchito opens compartment in between driver and passenger seat and pulls out a Beretta M9, one of his pistols. Panchito aims pistol at Radio)
PANCHITO: Talk!
(Radio is silent)
(Terry looks at Panchito, a bit scared and slowly walks to the passenger door to retrieve a bag of food. Terry opens door)
TERRY: Can I have one of these?
(Panchito looks over at Terry with a smile)
PANCHITO (friendly disposition as if this were a normal thing): Why of course you can mi amigo!
(Terry takes a bag and walks inside the house. Panchito looks at Radio and readies his weapon for firing)
PANCHITO: Alright, he's gone, now talk you little bastard!
(Police sirens are heard coming down the street)
PANCHITO (sighs): Great.
(Police cars enter the scene, John, Terry's friend exits police car)
(John walks over to driver's seat)
JOHN: Alright Panch, what'd you do this time?
PANCHITO: Nothing!
JOHN: Uh-huh, you say as you have a pistol in hand. (Looks at bags of food) What's with those bags of food?
PANCHITO: Ask the music amplifying appliance.
JOHN (sighs): Have you been smoking hemp?
PANCHITO (sighs): Okay, fine, I don't do drugs, no Jose didn't give them to me because he quit and Donald is on too many meds to give a shit. There (looks at John) happy?
JOHN: I got a report of sexual harassment by a Wendy's Drive-Thru Worker named Glitter Sparkles Unicorn.
PANCHITO (to himself in a hushed kind of voice): With a name like that I bet she's used to giving those reports.
JOHN: What?
PANCHITO: Nothing.
JOHN: Care to explain what happened?
(Panchito ignores John and turns towards Radio)
PANCHITO: You better start talking now before I shoot you.
(Laughing is heard followed by blue smoke and a smile. Cheshire Cat appears)
PANCHITO: Cheshire!
CHESHIRE (in the voice of the Radio): Yes?
PANCHITO: Why!
CHESHIRE: Why what?
PANCHITO: Why did you do this to me?
CHESHIRE: Because it's funny.
(Cheshire laughs)
JOHN: Alright Panch you're free to go, Chess, you're coming with me.
CHESHIRE (nods): Alright
(Panchito gets out of the car)
PANCHITO (to Cheshire): You're horrible you know that.
(Cheshire dematerializes but floats next to Panchito and follows him into Terry's house)
CHESHIRE: Yes but, I am your cat.
PANCHITO: You are a terrible pet.
(Cheshire laughs)
CHESHIRE: At least you won't have to buy cat food for a while.
PANCHITO: You'll eat all that?
CHESHIRE: Of course, I told you, I'm hungry.
(Panchito smiles and pets him)
PANCHITO: Good boy.
(Panchito enters house)
(Cheshire laughs to himself, disappears, rematerializes near John)
CHESHIRE: Is there any possibility that you can just forget about this matter?
JOHN: No
WENDY'S DRIVE-THRU WORKER aka GLITTER SPARKLES UNICORN (moaning from a distance): Oh yes!
(John turns around towards SCOTTY MCFARLEY'S HOUSE)
(John walks over to SCOTTY MCFARLEY'S HOUSE and motions CHESHIRE, who is a police cat, to follow him)
(John knocks at the door)
JOHN: Mister McFarley?
SCOTTY: Go away!
(Moaning and groaning- sex sounds)
CHESHIRE: Am I free to go now?
JOHN: Not yet. There's still a report.
(Sex sounds stop. The sounds of getting dressed quickly)
(Glitter Sparkles Unicorn opens the door- which opens outward towards John and Cheshire)
GLITTER SPARKLES UNICORN: Oh, I'm so glad you're here, I was just raped.
(John and Cheshire look at each other)
GLITTER SPARKLES UNICORN: Well, aren't you going to do something about it?
(John and Cheshire smile simultaneously)
JOHN AND CHESHIRE: Yes
GLITTER SPARKLES UNICORN: Great, what are you going to do?
(John and Cheshire smiles grow large and wide)
JOHN AND CHESHIRE: This
(John closes door in Glitter Sparkles Unicorn's face)
SCENE