Scene: A courtroom in New York. Emma and Henry have just finished testifying against Killian Jones, who is up on charges of attempting to murder Mr. Gold. Jones is also in a body cast. The judge is muttering curses against tourists who come into his peaceful, law abiding town and make trouble.
The judge's name is Roy Bean, the same as the infamous, hanging judge of the 19th century. Henry is the only one who thinks that's important (Gold's not saying).
[Jones and Gold are having a whispered conversation]
Gold: I think Henry has just about sunk you, Captain.
Jones: Don't bet on it, Crocodile. You think I've lived this long without being able to twist a judge around my fingers?
Gold [bored]: You know, in a regular crime show, this would be the part where you found out I was recording everything you were saying as I played it back for the judge.
Jones: Wait, you can do that? I thought you didn't have magic in New York City.
Gold: Technology, Jones. Tech-no-lo-gy. There's a whole series of books written to explain it for dummies, just like you. Try to keep up.
Jones [horrified]: You want me to read something?
Gold: Would I ask that of a man who can't even spell his tattoos correctly? No, you're going to be hoisted on your own petard.
[There is a long, uncomfortable silence]
Jones [stiffly]: I only talk about things like that when I'm flirting with Emma.
[Long pause]
Gold: Take my advice, Jones. Go for a mental competency defense. It'll work.
Judge Bean: Hey! Loser! Get up here and tell your story so we can get the gallows ready!
Henry: See? I told you he was really Roy Bean, the hanging judge.
Emma: It's just a coincidence, Henry.
Henry: Seriously, don't you think it's time we got past the no-one-believes-Henry storyline?
Emma: Maybe next season.
Judge: OK, loser, it says your name is . . . Killian Jones? Killian? What, did your mother want you to grow up to be a murderer?
Jones: She might have mentioned it as a career option.
Judge: Whatever. Do you, Killian Jones, the guy too stupid to change his name from Killian to something that doesn't sound like a confession when he's facing attempted murder charges, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Jones [with the smug look of someone who knows he can lie his way out of anything]: I do, your honor.
[Gold's ring flashes. Blue light hits Jones]
Judge: Hey, what was that?
Gold: Sorry, your honor. I twist my highly-reflective-and-in-no-way-supernatural-and-certainly-not-full-of-a-supply-of-magical-power-that-circumvents-plot-devices-that-say-I-can't-use-magic-outside-Storybrooke ring when I'm on edge. What you saw would have been an unusually good bit of completely natural sparkliness and not a side effect of my casting a spell on Mr. Jones.
Judge: Fair enough. So, guy with the stupid name, did you try to murder Gold?
Jones: Oh, lots of times [eyes go wide, unable to believe what he said].
Judge: Lots of times? Care to explain that?
Jones: Well, the first time, I tried to stick my hook in his heart. But, he got better. The time after that—
Judge: Wait a second, what hook?
Jones: Oh, I use a hook as a fake hand. That's why people call me Captain Hook.
Judge: Is that a gang name?
Jones: No, no, it's my name. You know, Captain Hook. Neverland. All that.
[His eyes are really bugging out, now. Where's this coming from?]
Judge: Uh, did you just say you're Captain Hook?
Jones: Absolutely. And Gold over there? He isn't Gold. He's the Crocodile.
Judge: Gold is a crocodile?
Jones: Of course not. I call him a crocodile. Because of his scales.
Judge: Scales. I see. [Judge is clearly getting a headache] You think Gold has scales.
Jones: Oh, not now. He got rid of them through a curse he put on the Enchanted Forest. Well, the wicked queen cast the curse, but he made it.
Judge: Uhhh. . . .
Gold: Ask him to explain from the beginning, your honor.
Judge: I know I'm going to regret this, but . . . Mr. Jones, start explaining your murder attempts on Mr. Gold. From the beginning.
Jones: From the beginning. Right. The hook didn't work, so my crew and I used a magic bean to take our ship to Neverland. I spent my time there attacking Indians, killing Lost Boys, and looking for ways to kill a Crocodile—his real name's Rumplestiltskin.
Judge: Uhh. . . .
Jones: After about 300 years, I thought I had a good lead and went back to the Enchanted Forest. I tried to get Gold's housekeeper to tell me where I could find a magic weapon to kill him with, but she was no help. I would have killed her, but the wicked queen came along and stopped me. She said she'd make it easy for me to kill Gold if I would cut out her mother's heart—that's Cora, the Queen of Hearts.
Judge: Right. Of course. [Judge looks around for aspirin]
Jones: Cora had already cut out her own heart and hidden it somewhere, though she pretended to be dead for the funeral. The wicked queen gave a really touching eulogy, so Cora decided not to kill her after all but just hide out disguised as Lancelot of the Round Table till she had a better chance to ruin her daughter's life—and don't ask me to explain their dysfunctional family codependency. If there's such a thing as emotional cannibalism, Cora's the Donner Party of parenting. Those people are crazy.
Finally, after about 28 years, Snow White and her daughter—that's the sheriff, over there, Emma Swan—came back to the Enchanted Forest. There were a few people left alive in the Enchanted Forest, but they would have just been in the way. So, Cora and I killed them, used them as attack zombies, and tried to trick Emma and her mother into getting us to Storybrooke.
Judge: Right. Because just driving there would have been a too difficult.
Jones [rolls eyes]: You can't drive between worlds, Judge.
Judge: Oh, of course not. How crazy would that be? How about your magic beans? Or do they only work for Neverland?
Jones: We were out of beans. But, a giant at the top of the beanstalk had one left. I was able to steal it from him because, no matter what Gold tells you, I am soooo clever. Really, I am.
I stole the bean, got to Storybrooke, docked illegally, watched while Cora turned a guy into a fish, and tortured a psychiatrist for information.
Judge: Psychiatrist. OK, I should have seen one of them showing up in your story.
Emma: Excuse me, your honor? He means Dr. Hopper, another resident of Storybrooke.
Jones: No, no, he just calls himself Hopper. He's really Jiminy Cricket.
Judge: Sheriff Swan, do you know the psychiatrist in question?
Emma: Yes.
Judge: And is he a cricket?
Emma [hesitates]: Not unless there are crickets who are as tall as I am, have red hair, and enjoy Italian cuisine.
Jones: Oh, sure, now, he looks like that. And, he used to look like that. But he's been a cricket ever since the Blue Fairy turned him into one.
Judge: Right. Because making his nose grow would have been silly. And did the cricket explain what a persecution complex is to you?
Jones: It really happened, you honor! After I got the information out of the cricket, I went after the Crocodile's girlfriend because the Crocodile had figured out how to leave Storybrooke.
Judge: Use a road? Drive a car?
Jones: You don't understand, your honor. No one can leave Storybrooke. If they do, they forget who they are!
Judge: Sorry?
Jones: They'll think they're just normal people!
Judge: Ah. Yes. That would be tragic. But, you're immune?
Jones: That's because I wasn't cursed. But, they were. Only, Rumplestiltskin figured out a way to leave, so I shot his girlfriend and made her forget everything—he deserved it.
[Long pause]
Judge: Sheriff Swan, just to be clear, could you tell me which parts of this actually happened?
Emma: He tortured Hopper. He shot Belle French. She survived. He docked illegally. I don't know about turning a guy into a fish.
Judge: Naturally. Er, Mr. Jones, far be it from me to challenge a deep rooted fantasy, but you have noticed Sheriff Swan and her son have also left Storybrooke? Or do you think they forgot who they were, too?
Jones: Emma was never cursed. Her parents shoved her through a tree to protect her.
[Judge silently mouths "Shoved her through a tree," and "To protect her," but doesn't ask].
Judge: Just checking, Sheriff, is there a reason Mr. Jones wasn't already in a padded cell?
Swan: He escaped police custody. Mr. Gold thought it was a good idea to go on vacation about then.
Judge: An intelligent man. Do you want to extradite Jones back to Maine?
Emma: I'd just as soon he was locked up somewhere far away from us.
Judge: Oh, I think I can arrange that. Mr. Jones, there's a nice, padded cell out there with your name on it.
Jones: No! I'm not crazy! He's really Rumplestiltskin! He killed Milah!
Judge [looks inquiringly at Gold]: Any idea what he's talking about?
Gold [this is painful to talk about and it shows]: My wife, Milah. She vanished some years ago, before I lived in Storybrooke. Jones—Jones told me he was responsible. But, you can ask him what he told me.
Judge: And what did you tell him, Jones?
Jones: Oh, that I wasn't going to give her back, that my men were going to take turns with her, that I'd fight him with swords for her.
Judge: I think I see whose responsible for Milah not being here. But, not that I don't like confessions, did you also just admit pointing a sword at him?
Jones [rolls eyes]: Well, it hardly would have made sense to point a feather duster at him, would it? Yes, I pointed a sword at him.
Judge: And—just checking—Gold was unarmed?
Jones: He had that staff-cane thing of his. That's hardly unarmed.
Judge: I see. But, except for the staff-cane thing the lame man needed to walk, he was unarmed?
Jones: Hey, I threw a sword at his feet! He could have picked it up! Of course, I'd have run him through as soon as it was in his hand, but that's a fair fight, isn't it?
Judge: In a legal definition of assault and attempted murder sort of way.
Jones: Hey, he was quick enough to fight a duel with me the next time we met. Would have ripped my heart out, too.
Judge: I thought you said that was Cora's trick.
Jones: He taught her.
Judge: How convenient. So, the lame man tracked you down and challenged you to a duel?
Jones: He wasn't lame, then. That was after he became an evil crocodile with magic.
Judge: Ah. Yes. [Finally, locates aspirin in pocket of his robes] How silly of me to forget. And he had scales?
Jones: Lots and lots of scales!
Judge: And, now, he's gotten rid of them. Because he's been cursed to look normal.
Jones: Exactly!
Judge: And think he's a normal person.
Jones: No, he knows better.
Judge: Would you could say the same, Mr. Jones. Normally, I don't buy insanity defenses. But, in your case, I'll make an exception. Please, don't resist while the officers take you away to a nice, well-guarded facility.
Emma [quietly to Gold]: You're looking smug.
Gold: A man should never promise to tell the truth unless he means it, Sheriff. But, it's ironic, don't you think? Because of him, Belle only remembers life in a padded cell. Now, Jones will spend the rest of his life in one.
Emma [sighs]: You know, I should really be recording this.
Gold: Why? To play it back for the judge?
Emma: No, to play it back for me. I still have a hard time believing this.