AN: My first Avatar fic, and it happens to be a Zutara. lol Will wonders never cease. So, down to the actual content, this will not be a happily ever after, nor will it actually feature a lot of dialogue or details. The majority of this story takes place in Zuko's thought processes, and him thinking about his life. Katara herself does not appear in the present. I'm not too sure if the way Zuko feels is categorized as Desire or Love. It's definitely one sided, whatever it is.
lol I tried to keep it as realistic as possible, instead of lovey dovey romance crap. This takes place after Ozai has been defeated, and Zuko is now the Fire Nation Lord.
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Avatar the Last Airbender, or the legend of Korra. If I did, do you think I'd be sitting here writing fanfiction?
Zuko stared out of the balcony outside of his rooms. It was a nice night; the stars were twinkling and smiling at him, and a cool breeze lazily moved through the red curtains. For not the first time in his life, he felt discontented. He had been the Fire Lord for nearly ten years, married to his longest love, and they even had their own children. He had no reason to complain. He had a good life now that his father and sister were out of commission and would not pose a threat. Ozai and Azula had been imprisoned all these long years, and Zuko couldn't bring himself to be regretful for it.
Looking out over the lands surrounding his palace, Zuko struggled, but wished he was back on the coast away from the noise of the capital, and with friends. He loved Mai and loved his children, but he felt closed in and without options. Everything he did was already decided by adviser after adviser, and he had no time to breathe. Even after ten years, there were still dissenters and people who plotted to get him off the throne, and he and his armies had to deal with that. Uncle Iroh - despite his age - understood the pressure Zuko was under, and often covered in lesser meetings that Zuko's presence did not demand. Still, he found himself wishing for wiggle room.
The cool air chilled his hot brow, and he turned his attention back inside. It was late, and Mai was sleeping in their bed, her long black hair fanned out around her. She had twisted in the sheets during her sleep, but he could always return to the bed at any time and have enough blankets to be comfortable. He didn't want to be in bed yet however, because his mind was in the past. He was reminiscing on his time with the Avatar and his friends. As far as he knew, Sokka was now married to Suki, and he knew for a fact that Katara and Aang had been married and even had a son. They had often come to the capital to visit, and make sure peace remained between the nations. He wasn't sure what had happened to Toph, as the last time he'd seen her had been right after Ozai had been defeated.
In the ten years since his ascension to the throne of the Fire Nation, Zuko's life had taken a turn towards diplomat and world leader. The Fire Nation was still the leading nation on metal production, which extended to most standard weapons. Some of the best inventors also came from Fire, though Earth had a fair amount of inventive and entrepreneurial men and women. That didn't mean that the other nations trusted Fire, or him. He was known as the shamed son of Ozai at best, and at worse the man who would lead the world to war once more though he had no plans to start back up with fighting. He wanted peace for his people, and the people of the other nations.
Zuko turned and went back inside and once he'd made his way past the chairs and tables that gave the apartments a homey and well lived in feel, he went to the fire place and immediately extinguished it. He was tired of the heat. For not the first time, he wondered what it would be like to just go to the Southern Water Tribe, alone and without 40 people following around at all times. He wondered what Katara and Aang would do if he just showed up at their door step.
Katara... He wondered if she was happy. She probably was. She'd married the boy she'd been close to for the better part of a year, and had a son. Tenzin, he remembered the boy's name being. Katara had been positively glowing when she'd revealed she was pregnant to Zuko. He'd been ecstatic for her, but on the inside an overwhelming sadness had engulfed him. It had taken him weeks to get over the fact that Katara had definitely moved on. He knew it was a little hypocritical of himself. Here he was, married with two children, and he had thrown a fit when Katara had become pregnant. Mai had distanced herself from him, and had kept their children away, letting him fume for a few weeks before he'd accepted the news. Mai knew that he'd once been with Katara and even though she and the Waterbender got a long Zuko knew she disliked Katara for the simple fact that he had preferred her, albeit briefly. He knew that Mai didn't know the extent of his feelings, nor did Aang.
Katara, on the other hand, knew perfectly how he felt. He knew she knew simply from the looks she would cast his way during her brief stays at the Fire Nation Capital. She hadn't visited during her pregnancy after her brief stay and subsequent announcement about her condition. He hadn't seen her until after Tenzin's third birthday. He could only imagine what she would look like, glowing and swollen with the child growing inside her. It made him even angrier when he thought about it. He wanted that child to have been his.
Zuko had long since recognized that his obsession with the water bender had stemmed from sexual desire. Mai may be beautiful, and everything he had ever wanted, but Katara was exotic, beautiful, and had a temper he could bounce off of. Her desire to help others and her raw strength in combat drew him like a moth to flame. He knew this, because that was what had previously drawn him to her to begin with.
It was shortly after Zuko and Katara had gone searching for the man that had killed Katara's mother. They were on their way back to camp, and Zuko could hear Katara crying over the sound of the wind whistling by. Even if she hadn't killed Yon Rha, he knew Katara was upset about acting in such a way. She was horrified that she'd let her emotions so out of control. Zuko looked over his shoulder at her, and saw how she had curled up on herself, and was trying to hide her sobs from him. Zuko, for his part, felt only marginally bad for her upset feelings. A large part of him was glad that she had found the man, and had ultimately made a choice that she could live with. He knew the grief would be raw for some time, but he also knew she would make it. She was strong, resilient, and resourceful. In a month, her pain would become a strength. Zuko tightened his hold on Appa's reins and directed the big flying bison into the foliage below them.
"Why have we stopped?" Katara's voice wavered, but when Zuko looked at her, he could see that she'd quickly erased the evidence of her tears. Her big eyes were staring up at Zuko, and he couldn't help but stare back at those ocean blue eyes. He'd never seen eyes like hers in the Fire Nation. He reached out to her and she barely flinched at his quick movements. He pulled her up to her feet and guided her off of Appa. He released her sleeve and reached up, cracking his sore neck and back as he led her away from their transportation.
"Zuko, would you answer me?" Her voice had gained strength. He looked around and then turned to her. Perhaps in spite of her blue tunic being hidden by the darker fabrics she wore, her eyes seemed even more blue, almost glowing in their brilliance. Her tanned skin seemed to meld into the darkness of the foliage around them. Zuko moved towards her, and she backed up. Despite her professing that she had forgiven him, he knew that he made her nervous.
"Katara." He couldn't think of anything more to say, and Katara could see that. He advanced on her again, and kissed her. They had left the clearing they had been in a few hours later. The sun was beginning to peak out over the horizon, and the two hurried to get their clothes back on and back to Appa. Neither one looked at the other due to their embarrassment, and they continued to avoid the topic all the way up to the fight with Lord Ozai.
The rest of their group never found out about what had happened between the two. Katara treated Zuko like an honorary member, yes, but that was no reason for the rest of them to be suspicious. As the final fight between Aang and Ozai had come closer and closer, Zuko and Katara had put what had happened between them behind them. And now, ten years later, Zuko and Katara still hadn't revealed to everyone what had happened. Mai knew simply because he'd caved when she'd asked about other women. He knew Katara would likely never reveal what had happened that night.
He sometimes wondered if he was the only one tortured over what they had done. Katara seemed to have moved on and started a happy life with her Avatar husband. Here in the capital, Zuko felt total discontent and frustration at his lot in life. He'd always wanted to be accepted, and now that he was the lord of the Fire Nation, with a beautiful wife and children he felt... bored. He knew he was being unfair to everyone involved. Just because he was bored with his life didn't mean he could uproot everyone else's.
Zuko turned towards his bed. Instead of tan skin and brown hair, he saw pale, flawless skin and sleek black hair. Mai would never be like Katara. She always kept her emotions under wraps and had a wicked sense of humor. Katara wasn't like that. Sure, she could be sarcastic, but she also wore her emotions on her sleeve. When someone was wronged, she took it personally. He had been intrigued by that. Zuko moved across the room and sat down on the bed, careful not to jostle it too much. He pulled the blankets up, and rolled onto the bed, stretching out beside his wife. He wouldn't sleep, but he could think.
What had drawn him toward Katara so much was the way she would move in combat. It was one of the first things he had noticed about her, next to her fiery temper and need to help others. She moved like fluid, her body seemingly the source of the water she bended to her will. She could knock the wind out of him with just a swipe of her arm, and he had respected that raw power. The way her eyes would flash as her anger had come out in a fight had been mesmerizing.
Shaking himself from his thoughts, Zuko looked to Mai, and her beautiful features. He knew there was no point in pining for Katara. He was married. She was married. They were half a world away from each other most of the year except for her and Aang's brief visits. They both had children and responsibilities. Not only that, but Zuko was certain she was happy with the Avatar. She had no reason to want him. The knife in his gut twisted at his admission, always begging him to just leave and find Katara, sweep her off her feet, and have his wicked way with her. He knew he couldn't. With a sigh, Zuko's eyes dropped closed, and he worked his breathing till it evened out and he had fallen asleep. That night, he did not dream of Katara.
AN: Isn't it depressing! lol that was kind of how I wanted it to be. I didn't want there to be happiness, because this is about one sided feelings. I hope you enjoyed it, and please be sure to leave a comment about how you feel about the story. Thanks for reading!