1900, Forward Battery
Shepard pushed away from the tactical terminal which Garrus had set up inside the battery, nodding as he considered the plan. Since the Quarian Admirals had come aboard, he had found himself quite suddenly loaded with disputes between the Krogans and Turians, not to mention various questions from all of the Admirals that had made camp inside the war room, even a few urgent questions and advice-askings from The Council. In short: He hadn't had time to comprise an assault plan. Luckily for him, though, he had an XO who was almost as combat proficient as he was, and he trusted with tactical decisions.
"That all looks good, Vakarian, let the rest of the team know the plan. I want you with Tali and I on point, tell Vega, Liara and Kaiden to stay on 5-minute stand-by. Is there anything else?"
Garrus turned the terminal off, pausing for a minute as he stopped to collect his thoughts, this was not a question to be asked without consideration.
"Yeah, Shepard, and I'm asking this as a friend. Are you alright?"
Shepard crossed his arms, leaning himself up against the gunnery terminal. To the outside observer, he was the image of skeptical coolness, legs crossed at the ankle, his right foot perpendicular to the floor, arms crossed casually over his chest, left eyebrow raised in confusion. But Garrus had learned his commander, his friend, on a bit of a deeper level than most, and the shifting eyes and tapping fingers, slight downwards slope of his right eyebrow speaking of hidden worry, a knowledge of the hard questions The Turian was about to ask.
"Yeah, everything's fine, Garrus. Why do you ask?"
"Shepard, come on. Tali's back."
"Yes, she is, it's good to have her back on the team. What of it?"
Garrus lowered his head, giving Shepard a glower that said only "really?", his mandibles pulled tightly against his face as he reclined against the tactical terminal, body language closely mirroring that of Shepard, though nobody could really say which learned the pose from which.
Shepard sighed, bringing his right hand to his face, resting his forehead in his hand. By the time he looked back at Garrus, resting his chin on his fist, the pain in his eyes was veritably palpable, but taking a whole different quality than the one that normally sat there. Garrus had seen Shepard look hurt because of a lost colony, had seen the despair as world after world succumbed to a threat which was more terribly massive in scope than any they had ever faced before and as he sat almost helpless to stop it. But this was a different pain, a slightly more personal pain. If Garrus were more comfortable using the name, he might say that this was John's and not Shepard's pain, but all he knew was that this was heartbreak, not war.
"Yes, Garrus, she's here. But I have no clue where we stand. I mean, you know we were together before my trial. But I haven't had any contact with her since then, hell I didn't even know if she was alive until yesterday. But the worst part is that frankly…" Garrus was mildly shocked: Shepard was clearly having trouble keeping it together, his voice breaking and lip clearly quivering, unlike any other time Garrus had seen him. "frankly I don't know where we stand any more. I mean, I never expected some sweet reunion, running in slow motion into each other's arms, romantic music in the back back ground, all that. But… I didn't expect this."
Shepard's head bowed again, his hand opening to support his face again. Garrus stood from the terminal, nudging shepard over on his perch on the gunnery terminal. "Have you tried talking to her about it?"
"Garrus, you know me. Tell me to command an N7 unit against impossible odds, and I'll give you a speech about holding the line. Ask me to make peace with the Krogan and Turians, and I'll find you the Mother of all Thresher Maws. But ask me to confront a friend, a girl even, about personal relationships and I run screaming in the other direction."
Garrus continued staring straight ahead, both he and Shepard scrutinizing the door in front of them. This was territory neither of them were terribly familiar with, nor even comfortable; their field was that of battle not love or feelings. If it could be shot, the duo would find a way to shoot it. If it needed to be shot, they would do so. But this world of feelings and softness, things which had felt like weaknesses to the both of them for so long… it terrified them both.
"Shepard, you know I've barely got any experience to speak of here." Garrus spoke, his voice devoid of any amount of sarcasm or joking, any banter or quips missing from his vocabulary entirely. "But it sounds to me like you just need to talk to her about it. Better to do that than just let it sit in the air."
Shepard laughed slightly, a bitter chuckle. "We do have a tendency to face our issues head-on, don't we?"
"Says the man who drove us, in a Mako of all things, through a mass effect relay and the legally dead vigilante who took on every merc on Omega."
Shepard stood, his hands dropping to his sides as he took a deep breath in through his nose and exhaled it slowly through his mouth, an action Garrus had seen him use before. Usually before a large battle, ironically, but then again I think this is more scary to him than running under a Reaper ever was.
"You're right, Garrus." Again, the bitter laugh, but this time with a dash of confidence, and maybe even the slightest pinch of potent hope. "I just need to get off my ass and ask her."
"Then what are you still doing here?"
Garrus was answered by the sound of the battery doors closing.
1930 Hours, Deck 1
"So if you're ever lonely… just let me know."
Shepard paused, looking at Tali as she finished her statement. The past two minutes he had been trying to work up the courage to talk to her, to ask her the questions he really wanted, needed to. It had been two minutes of awkward comments and statements which always sounded better in his head, internal cringing with his stomach lodged constantly in his throat. He knew Tali had been under stress, but when she came up it became apparent that she needed reassuring words more than anything else, and while he had almost fallen into a routine which he didn't know whether to consider a pipedream and discard or hold onto like a dream that might yet happen, he liked to think that he had said the right things. But it seemed time now. Well, she's not going to hand me a better opportunity than this.
"Tali… have you got a minute to talk?"
Tali paused, startled by the change in Shepard's voice. Just a minute ago he had sounded his typical confident self, or maybe just the typical confident Commander, a man who would take on the world with utter confidence, and good reason for it. But with that last statement, the soft voice and hunched shoulders, the head turned away and the voice breaking, he suddenly just sounded so… small.
John watched as she got on her omnitool, tapping a few things on it before looking back at him.
"If you can give me some sort of data that looks like we're talking about the Dreadnought when we're done, then yes, Shepard. I'd like that, actually."
John gestured towards the couch, the both of them walking and sitting on opposite legs, facing towards each other, Tali looking at Shepard, but Shepard staring straight ahead. She couldn't quite figure out the expression that was in his face as he hunched over, resting his elbows on his knees and letting them support all his weight, his hands pointing straight out from them and his gaze unblinkingly unfocused on nothing straight ahead. He licked his lips, closed his eyes, and then began to speak.
"Tali, you know I'm not good at this stuff. I've never had much of a head for personal talks and have tended to avoid them as much as possible. I think it's a defense mechanism since I feel so uncomfortable having to deal with my emotions and I avoid them a lot, so I've become bad at talking about them which makes me even more nervous when I do so. But this isn't something I'm terribly good at, but I think it's a talk we need to have, and I had hoped you'd be okay with it but you usually seem to know what you're saying and…"
"Shepard."
"… and I just want to make sure I get this right. But I also didn't want to bother you with it since I know you're an admiral now and…"
"Shepard."
"… and you've got bigger things to deal with than me and I know I shouldn't really be bringing this up now of all times…"
"JOHN."
Shepard stopped, seeming to be pulled from a trance as he blinked and looked at Tali, his eyebrows raising in an intensification of that expression she still couldn't place; at least not until he closed his lips, their quivering clearly trying to hold back something. That's when she realized: He's scared. Keelah, I don't think I've ever seen him look this terrified.
"John, Shepard, you're babbling."
John smiled thinly, a slight curve to the outside of his lips as he closed his eyes, clearly seeing the mild irony in what just happened.
"Let me try that again. Tali, what we had before my trial was… well, it was one of the best and happiest things I've had in my life. I had, have, never felt so at ease, so…. Well happy."
Tali stayed quiet while John stopped to think, again breathing in through is nose and out through his mouth while he tried to collect his thoughts. I really am terrible at this. Come on, John, you can't stop now. You know what you want to say. Now just say it.
"After the trial, they took away all my contact with the outside world. I wasn't even allowed my omnitool for the first couple of months, not to mention messages. It hurt, goodness did it hurt. But while I didn't like not being able to stay in contact with the rest of the crew, it was…" John paused, his voice cracking at the end, closing his eyes while he tried to fight his tears. He wished he could just touch Tali's hand, reach for support because, if there was anywhere in this galaxy he needed it, it was here. But he also knew that he couldn't, at least not until he finished this conversation, figured out where they stood. "Not being able to reach you was impossibly hard. I have never felt so wholly alone as when I wasn't able to talk to you. And then The War starts, and I tried to send you a message but The Migrant Fleet had all but disappeared, and then the thing with The Krogan…"
John stopped again, trying to collect his thoughts, knowing he was getting off track. Suddenly he felt a gloved pressure over his clasped hands, and looked up to see Tali looking straight at him, her head tilted and eyes curved in what he suspected was a sad smile and look of condolence. She had moved closer to him on her side of the couch, leaned forwards and was resting a hand on his. That point of contact, that feeling of touch, became John's pillar of strength, a man who was so strong against the terrors of war and the fears of a galaxy but felled by his own emotions latched onto that one gesture, a feeling of determination sweeping through him.
John fixed his eyes onto Tali's letting his world focus down to those two points of beautiful light in front of him. His heart was beating faster than he thought he could ever survive, and he could feel his fear trying to cloud his thoughts. But the hand on his and the face in front of his fought the fog away, helped him to keep himself present, became his light in the mist. With a cracking voice, and moist eyes that blinked rapidly to prevent tears from falling, he pushed on.
"Tali, I won't hide this: I love you, just as deeply and much as I did before I was locked away. Just having you with me makes me feel the most comfortable I ever have, and the time we have spent together has been one of the best things to happen to my life. But I also can't pretend that things haven't changed. You're an admiral now, and I'm apparently supposed to save the galaxy. I don't think I could ever stop loving you, but if you have moved on, if you don't want me anymore…" John paused, his breath coming in a gasp which threatened on a sob, Tali's hand squeezing his. He bowed his head, eyes fixated on the deck plating beneath his feet. "If you don't want me anymore, I will absolutely respect that, and you won't hear a word about it from me again."
Tali stared at John, still reading the look on his face. She had seen him vulnerable, heard some of the fears and insecurities he carried but would never admit to anyone but her before his trial, but she had never seen John Shepard this open, vulnerable.
"John…" she started, snapping his head to her quickly, his eyes screaming of deep-set fears and closely held hopes.
"John, I want nothing more than to say yes to you. Believe me when I say I just want to stay here and tell you it will be alright until the stars turn to dust around us. But you're right, I'm an Admiral now, and I have new responsibilities to my people."
John's head turned back to the floor, tears no longer being held back as they began to run slowly, silently down his cheeks. Tali's second hand found his chin, turning his eyes back to hers.
"My people, John, they're wary of other species. We've been treated like second class citizens for so long, been floating among the stars without a home for so many generations, that they don't trust anybody but ourselves. I hope that will change, I hope we can be a force to change that, John, but right now we're at war, a war which will either give us back our homeworld or destroy us for good. I'm a leader, they need to see me stand with them beyond any doubt, and I'm afraid they won't see that if I'm with you again."
A soft sob pushed through John's tightly pursed lips as he held back what she suspected to be a furious storm of emotions, his tears coming faster and dripping onto the deck plating with normally soft but now so loud drops. Tali stroked the side of his face with her hand, angling her head the other way as he closed his eyes and angled into the gesture.
"If we make it through this John, then I will want nothing more than to call you mine again, I want nothing more than to do so here. But until then, I have to be The Admiral my people need me to be: strong, independent, Quarian."
John opened his mouth once, closing it again to fight another outburst back. Again came the breath in through his nose, and again it came out through his mouth, until he could open his eyes, the wetted windows speaking of acceptance and understanding.
"If it takes us making it through this, Tali, then I guess I better get you a homeworld."
Tali and John both laugh a little bit, both bitter with denied needs and a galaxy imbued with war and death. Tali's hands retreated back to her own space, and John began to sit up more.
John started speaking again.
"I understand what you're saying, Tali. If I were in your place, I might even say the same thing. I don't like it" John reached up and wiped his cheeks with his sleeve, clearly regaining control over himself again "but I understand and respect it. Just promise me one thing?"
"What's that, Shepard?"
John cringed slightly as Tali used his Surname, but reminded himselfof why – You know she wants to be back together as much as you do… First Names might be a bit too familiar, too risky.
"Just promise me that, if we do make it through this, you'll consider… us, again?"
Tali stood, stepping out from around the table to stand directly in front of John. "I'll do more than consider it."
Tali went to walk out before John called out behind her "Will you…" he faltered, stopping to look away, still considering what he was going to say. She stopped, about five feet from the door, turning around to face him. "Will you have dinner with me? There are… some aspects of The Dreadnought I'd like to go over with you again, I also wouldn't mind getting to catch up a bit. You know… as" John smiled, the first time he'd seemed to have done so, genuinely, since Tali came aboard "friends?"
Tali paused, leaving John hanging in a terrible purgatory as she thought about it.
"I'd like that, yes." She looked at her omnitool "2100? It's a little late, but I have to get some information to The Admiralty."
John smiled further as he stood, continuing to wipe his eyes and face.
"2100 works for me. It's a date."
Tali cocked her head, putting her hands on her hips. She knew what he meant, but even now she still enjoyed, to a certain extent, watching the great Commander Shepard stumble over words. At least, harmless words.
"Err, you know, as friends. Or coworkers. A coworker date. Coworker friend date. I didn't mean… not like that… I…"
"2100 Shepard, you're buying."
John stopped, bowing his head momentarily before looking back at her and smiling.