This is my first story (apart from the jokey ep 8 thing) and I wanted to work out why Love on a Train happened – the pivotal moment for series 4. It's been hard and it's really made me think a lot. Hope it was worth it. Please review.
"Well, when I finished teacher training I got offered three jobs – but it isn't like that anymore." Kieran looked across the breakfast table at Naomi who was flicking through pages of the Sheffield University Undergraduate Prospectus.
"Christ! , I still don't know why I chose Roundview – even teaching for that matter – although of course I wouldn't have met your mother. You know Naomi, silver linings and all that."
"Yeah, well thanks for that Kieran, but I've sort of got a bit of a fucking dilemma and I have this feeling that whatever I choose will be wrong!"
"Look Naomi, you've got to go for it, you'll regret it if you don't. Emily's a sweet girl but can you say you'll be together in 5 years – or even 2? And what would you do – a gap year with her? That doesn't look as good on CVs these days, putting off the evil day and all that."
Christ, does Kieran actually know what it feels like to be completely and utterly in love with someone- paralysing all common sense and making rational decisions impossible? Naomi knew he was right – but right for others – not for her. I bet he wouldn't be so good at sorting himself out – kissing a student didn't seem like a clever thing to do did it? Naomi mused.
"Hi, hun." Emily planted a kiss on Naomi's cheek and flopped down on the sofa. "Christ, that librarian, you know the one with acne and greasy hair, he kept staring at my tits. Mind you, he found all this stuff on Mexico. I bet he thought he was well in there."
"You should have asked him if they had a copy of Lesbian News, that would have shut him up."
"Yeah, right, I didn't think of that. Anyway they're some great guides – you can get work in an orphanage – get some money together – we could go on to Costa Rica – wouldn't that be great? No parents, no Katie – just you and me Naomi – I love you so much I want to be with you all the time – it wouldn't even matter if we were chambermaiding together at the Royal in Bedminster, I'd still be happy."
Naomi turned away, unable to look Emily in the face. She was so beautiful, so trusting – how could she put a dampener on her plans when she had invested so much of herself in them? But she would be lying to herself if she didn't confront things now.
"Ems, you know I love you more than anything – but have we thought this through? I'm not sure if it's the right thing – I mean there's uni to think of and what about money? My mum said she would pay my tuition fees if I got a loan for the rest – but she's not going to pay for a year's dossing around is she?"
"I thought you wanted to be with me?" Emily's face clouded and her enthusiasm was replaced by that same feeling she had when Naomi had walked out on her at the lake."Shit – we're not going to get another chance like this are we? Naomi – I love you. I can't be without you."
Naomi's stomach tightened. She felt something pulling on her – like the reins when she was tiny and wanted to run free. Couldn't you love and be free? Did you have to give things up for someone who you felt deeply about?
"For fuck's sake Emily, you're in my heart and you're bursting it open but I've got this uni stuff as well – but that's in my head and those two places are so far apart – and I can't cope with this just now."
Tears trickled down her cheeks as she kissed Emily with such passion that it left her breathless. Naomi turned to collect her bag. "Ems I've got to go to that careers thing – I'll phone you." With that she was gone. Emily, now crying herself, hugged her knees and slid sobbing back on the sofa.
Emily awoke to the sound of her phone and knocked it off the bedside table. "Shit. Oh hi Naoms – bit early isn't it?"
"Emily I've got to go with mum to this work thing of hers, she really needs me there, so she says, so it looks like I won't see you 'til Monday."
"Oh, that's fucking great Naomi. What about that party Cook told us about? I thought it would be what we needed – some mindless fun and sex – to forget all the future stuff."
"Yeah, but my mum really needs me – she's a bit flaky at the moment."
"Well, you owe me for this right? Monday night, OK? You better get some sleep in because you're gonna need it."
"Right, I think I know what's on offer here. My place then. I'll text you Monday. Got to go."
"By hun, counting down the hours and don't enjoy yourself!"
Naomi showered, plaited her hair and caught the bus to Temple Meads. The train was on time leaving and she found a window seat next to a man who was busy on his laptop for the entire journey. Once in London she caught the tube down to Goldsmith's. The Open Day started at 11 and she felt excited yet guilty at deceiving Emily. It wasn't as if she was doing something wrong was it? – she had to consider her options as Kieran had nagged at her –but why had she not been brave enough to admit this? Emily didn't look into the future like her did she? It was enough for her to escape family stuff wasn't it?
The morning was taken up with a tour led by some second year students – they enthused about the social side and how supportive the SU was. Naomi was uncertain about being given a 'mother' to look after her in her first year but knew that Goldsmith's and Roundview were a world apart. It was all very exciting and a bit overwhelming.
Lunch break – Naomi went out to one of the green areas for a smoke. As she walked across to one of the benches she crossed the path of a girl who was rummaging in her bag and nearly collided with her.
"Oh sorry, I was just… Aren't you at Roundview?" Sophia knew straightaway who she was talking to – her heartbeat had quickened and her eyes must have given her away surely?
"Oh yeah, hi – I think I've seen you around – didn't you do that charity three-legged race last term?" Naomi vaguely knew this girl – she was pretty with dark hair that looked slightly old fashioned but framed her face beautifully with those striking brown eyes.
"Yeah, I saw you at the election thing – I think you should have won – that Cook boy is a joke – I don't know why people voted for him. Look I've got to go to this talk at the Fine Arts Department now – are you getting a lift back to Bristol?"
Secretly Naomi was hoping she wasn't going back by train.
"Err no, I've got the 5:20 train to catch."
"Oh right that's my one, I'll probably see you on it."
Neither girls had noticed the photographer taking photos for the new prospectus - but if they had they wouldn't have known the significance, would they?
Naomi was a little intrigued – how come this girl who was pretty, obviously bright enough to apply for Goldsmith's and yet was hardly ever seen around school?
Naomi's afternoon was taken up by talks in the Social Anthropology and History Departments. She liked both and could see herself doing either subject. Goldsmith's was everything Roundview wasn't: it was adult, stimulating and away from Bristol.
The station was busy – commuter rush hour, but she got there early as soon as the train arrived.
"Oh hi." Just as she had settled into her seat Sophia appeared looking slightly out of breath.
"God, I had to get a taxi – it cost a fortune – the talk at Fine Arts went on for ages but it was brilliant. Can I?"
"Sure," said Naomi and Sophia settled into the seat opposite her – the table between them already cluttered with her things. An elderly couple moved along towards them looking for seats.
"Excuse me, but are these two seats taken?"
"Oh no, look why don't you take these two – I can sit next to my friend here." Sophia gathered up her bag and sat down next to Naomi.
Sitting next to someone else is completely different from facing them. Side by side is like talking to your friend in the dark at your first sleepover – no eye contact, savour their words – tell secrets. Not that Naomi had any intention of doing this.
"I've seen you at Roundview with friends – that Thomas, he looks so nice and the twins – is it Emily and Katie? – they used to look so alike didn't they?"
"Yeah, I'll miss them all next year – Naomi suddenly realising that today she was possibly setting that in motion – uni – new friends – and Emily. Christ, what was she going to do? Hardly likely that Emily was going to apply for Goldsmith's was it?
"I don't think I've seen you around much – you probably work a lot harder than me, I guess,"said Naomi.
"I've found it hard to make friends – I've tried, but well….. it's been hard – ever since my dad…."
She turned to look at Sophia. Her eyes glistened as she faced Naomi. A tear rolled down her cheek.
"It's too hard to explain – I want to say but I can't ………….. there's no one to tell. My mum, Matt, they wouldn't understand ….."
When Naomi thought back to what happened next she realised that at that moment a train of events was set in motion that devastated her and Emily and caused untold misery to a family she was never to meet.
"I could tell you – you would listen, I know."
Naomi, as she would to her mother when she talked about her dad, put her hand on Sophia's. Before she could reply to this, Sophia's fingers curled around Naomi's and squeezed gently.
"Please listen, this secret is killing me – I feel like I'm dying and there's no one out there. I've no friends, I go home from school, Matt doesn't talk to me any more, my mother wouldn't want to hear…….
Naomi sensed what was coming but couldn't not listen.
"Ever since primary school I've liked girls. I thought I would fancy boys but it never happened. I've been too frightened to do or say anything – I couldn't stop thinking about Chloe in 12LR last term but she moved to America. I never even spoke to her. But you probably wouldn't understand what it's like – you're so beautiful – you've got lots of friends and the pick of the boys at Roundview I guess."
God, had Sophia not been at the Love Ball, seen her and Emily together around school, listened to the gossip? Obviously not, Naomi realised – and now she had either to tell Sophia or start a pretence – a lie, or maybe just listen?
"I'd fantasise about girls – ridiculously – because they were obviously straight. The only girls I knew like me are together – Emma and Sal in Year 13."
"Look Sophia, I guess it must be really hard but none of my friends would give a shit if you said you were gay, even guys like Cook accept it – even if they do take the piss sometimes."
"Naomi, I've told you things that no one else knows – you've listened, you're so kind." Sophia's eyes filled with tears again. "Life's so shit – I meet a beautiful, caring girl who listens to all the crap I've been going through and she's straight. I bet most girls would've run a mile by now."
Just then the ticket inspector arrived and the flow of their conversation was broken. At the same time Naomi's phone bleeped with a text.
'Hi hun, hope you're not too bored see you on Mon. Ems xxx'
"God! My mum! She'll be worrying about me when I'm thirty!" Naomi put away her phone and they talked about Goldsmith's until the conversation petered out.
"Look Naomi,I can't stand this – I've actually lied to you ……."
"Bristol Temple Meads – please check that you have all your luggage with you and thank you for travelling with South West Trains."
The train slowed as it approached the station.
"Look Naomi could we go somewhere, I don't need to be back – I've got a key – Matt doesn't care and mum goes to bed early."
Why did Naomi feel that tugging of reins again? Emily was pulling at her, stopping her doing things – isn't it enough to just love someone? Is this what it's going to feel like? Feeling guilty talking to another girl, making excuses, lying, deceiving and then feeling shit about it? Fuck it!
"Come to my place – we can walk from Bedminster Station – it's only just up the hill from there."
They walked in silence, neither knowing what to say – each with lies to explain or omissions to fill in. The silence was not awkward however; it was a beautiful evening and the Bristol landscape gradually unfolded as they climbed the rise that led to Naomi's house. As they came closer they could hear music from the pub opposite, people out on the pavement smoking, laughing, being honest with one another no doubt.
Naomi unlocked the door and they went in.
"Drink?"
Naomi found half a bottle of value vodka and two glasses.
"I couldn't stand living at home with mum and her new boyfriend – you know it's Kieran – he teaches philosophy at Roundview you've seen him around. When mum's friend got offered a lecture tour in America she offered this place rent free –'Just water the plants and pay the bills – but no parties!'
They sat on the sofa glasses in hand.
"Naomi, I wanted to tell you – I don't want to lie to you – if I lie to you I can't be your friend. I lied to you about Chloe. It wasn't her at all. It was a girl with blonde hair – the kindest person I've ever met – I've seen around school and how she is with her friends. She's brave and clever and believes in things. Now I've said it – I'm so, so sorry, but I had to say it – it was killing me – you'll want me to leave now won't you? I'm so sorry."
Tears flowed freely as she got up.
"Sophia, sit down, there's something I need to tell you."
Sophia looked completely exhausted – there was nothing left – no hope – it had all come out and she was drained. Naomi would be nice to her wouldn't she – and then she'd leave and go home to - what? A grey, loveless life of silence.
Sophia sat down. Naomi put her arm around her and kissed her on the cheek.
"Sophia, you don't know anything about me do you? I may look like all those things you said about me but that's not the real me. I'm lost, mixed up and don't know what to do. I'm in love with someone but feel trapped. I can't decide anything and it's so painful. I try not to lie but I don't want to hurt people with the truth. I want to share my life but I end up thinking I'm selfish. You think I've sorted everything out but I haven't – I'm like you, just floundering around trying to make sense of things. You've listened to me, but I don't want to talk anymore."
It certainly wasn't her heart or her head that took control now. Naomi looked back at this moment many times to try to understand it but couldn't recreate it – it was of the moment. Passion, lust – no word could describe it because at the time it was purely physical – all words blotted out.
Sophia followed where Naomi led. They lay together on the sofa, bodies entwined, hands exploring each other, clothing lying in heaps on the carpet.
"I've never done this before…"
"Shh.. .. don't speak."
They lost themselves in each other, until exhausted and satisfied they fell asleep in each other's arms.
No one knew – only a poster of Debbie Harry looked across the room at the sleeping girls.
Please review this - however briefly - it will spur me on to write better stuff. Should I carry on? The next bit will be difficult.