A Very Meta Dragon Ball Z
Chapter One: The Story of Dabura…..Again
Daniel paced the brightly lit room as he waited for his guests. On one side laid a buffet of food and drink that could be for an entire African nation, but Daniel knew it would only suffice for lunch for a few people with big appetites, in-front of the buffet was a ring of comfy seats and to the otherside of the room was a MASSIVE billion-inch HD TV…with Netflix.
"Almost time", Daniel said to himself out loud, he was devastatingly handsome, with a think Australian accent, big muscles and a killer smile….that could kill, well actually not kill in the real world….or….shit….i'm getting meta, "ummm, could you be causing a complete metaphysical crisis by letting us actually know where fictional characters in a fan fiction of Dragon Ball Z and I'm just a Mary-Sue doppelganger of yourself?", queried the devastatingly handsome Aussie man to me…..Daniel the devastatingly handsome Australian writer who was writing this exact sentence on his computer...
"Given how I'm in control of the situation, I don't think so" I said. My doppelganger seemed convinced (for the most part), "okay, but don't pull any dumb story ideas out of your arse"…what?! Me dumb?! No chance in hell….I wrote about Cooler's epic adventures in Preschool and Online Dating!...anyway…..
The first guest arrived soon after the meta-conversation. "Oh what terrible coincidence that my therapist came down with a terrible case of slightly killer bee allergies!" moaned Cooler. Daniel grinned his wickedly awesome grin which was wickedly awesome, "Nice to see you bruv!" The Ice-jin scoffed, "What's with the frat-gym-douchie words"? "The writer is like that", Daniel said simply, "But he's not a douche…..though he can be a bit of an arsehole and a dick sometimes".
That part I happily admit to.
"So what's all this then", queried Cooler, as if everyone needed crucial backstory to the plot. "Well", the Australian explained, "I just wanted everyone from Dragon Ball Z who's got some….issues…..to come and have a chat with me and see if I can help in any sort". Cooler groaned slightly pathetically, like when a teenager isn't allowed to borrow the car for illegal drag racing. "Fat lot of help you could do! All you've done is recount two bizarre stories from my past that aren't even canon! Oh may Akira Toriyama spit on your figurative grave!"
"But you're really cool!" reacted Daniel, before pouting slightly, "And writer-me received a lot of good feedback on those stories, you've even got fangirls thinking you're sexy!" (Which is more than what's going on in my life), I as Writer-Daniel pondered as I typed this string on letters to form a coherent sentence.
The mere mention of fangirls changed Cooler's mood rather conveniently. "Okay, I'll stay…shame to waste that big-arse TV! Who else is coming?" At the rather conveniently convenient convenience, two more figures emerged through the door.
Dabura and Android 13 both looked had expressions on their faces like the time you're at the pub and are waiting for your mates to come, but you don't want to look like a loner so you pretend you're doing something like looking at your phone and typing out a fake message in order to seem busy…not that I, writer-Daniel has done anything like that in a billion years!...no no I've got GALS in different lo-CALS…yeah…right….huh, where was I? oh yes! Dabura and Android 13 both looked had expressions on their faces like the time you're at the pub and are waiting for your mates to come, but you don't want to look like a loner so you pretend you're doing something like looking at your phone and typing out a fake message in order to seem busy….wait, sorry guys! "Get on with the &^*% $ story!" yelled doppelganger Daniel, "People may get tired of all this meta crap!".
Woops! Maybe I should join you guys!?
Anyway the two villains exchanged handshakes with Cooler and Daniel before Goku and Frieza showed up because I said so. Of course most of the room's occupants winced as the immensely powerful Super-Saiyan grinned his grinning grin and embraced his arch-foes with amazing affection and fist-bumping his fellow bro Daniel.
"Right", said the self-declared councillor, "Thanks for coming, food later", Goku moaned like a puppy at the mention of this, but stopped after Android 13 reminded everyone that he punched Goku in his….ahem…Dragon BALLS! Ahahahahaha! Oh that's hilarious!..oh sorry, as the writer I should be more considerate of people's feelings…..sort of, where's the fun in boring?!
The group sat in the ring of comfy seats, with Daniel holding onto a clipboard and trying to look professional, he ordered Goku to sit as far from the food as possible and began.
"Sooooo, welcome everyone to our first session! I think you all deserve a round of applause!" everyone clapped to certain degrees of enthusiasm, especially for Goku who for a split second thought 'applause' was a new European food. Daniel continued, "So, I'm Daniel, your councillor-mentor-manager-bro for these sessions, I'm a mary-sue doppelganger of the insane mind of the writer, but to be honest, there's not much difference between the two, I'm a massive fan of Dragon Ball Z and I love my massive sneaker collection, going to the gym and hoping Anna Kendrick or Kate Peck will marry me".
Cooler's eyes bulged at Daniel's candidness, "And here I though he was a major twat…but seriously, him getting Anna Kendrick or Kate Peck….dreaming" he thought, "Wait…who the hell is Kate Peck?! Memo: Google Kate Peck".
"Who's next?" asked the councillor-mentor-manager-bro, eying Cooler. The formally feared Ice-jin rose to his feet. "Hi I'm Cooler….supposedly a feared villain with family issues… I've endured…endurance, Goku and eHarmony and I like fangirls".
Then it was Frieza's turn.
"I'm Frieza, ever popular, better, awesomer younger brother of Cooler…and I'm proud of my bizarre androgyny and grandma voice…..I came here because it was either being here and sitting near Goku or confronting that sun-ripe tomato I dated years back…I gladly take my chances with Goku".
Android 13 nodded slightly at Frieza's mention of Goku. The trucker cleared his throat, "I'm Thirteen, Android and seemed to be a stereotype of American Redneck Truckers but with an acute observation of humanity's flaws and I really need to cut and dye my hair." He sat down and crossed his legs while flicking through his mulleted grey hair.
Dabura then stepped up, "I'M THE DEMON KING DABURA, ALL HAIL ME AND MY DEDICATION TOWARDS NINJAS AND ORANGE JUICE!" Doppleganger Daniel craned his head upwards to address the writer version of himself. "Orange Juice? Seriously!?".
It's funny! And I'm full of surprises.
"Dabura, please use your inside speaking voice", asked the Doppleganger Daniel. The Demon King quickly apologised, he really liked orange juice and Ninjas. Then it was Goku's turn. "Hi, I'm Goku, savour of the universe and the sunshine in your rainy day!"
Neither Frieza, Cooler, nor Android 13 could sometimes believe this was the guy that defeated them, but at the sometime the weird world of this fan fiction made them slightly….well….. friendly to the Super Saiyan, whose bizarre mix of naivety and badassness made him Goku.
Councillor-Mentor-Manager-Bro, Daniel was very pleased with the start. "Excellent introductions everyone…no Goku, no snacks yet! And your puppy dog face won't help. Anyway from today, it'll be my job to see how I can help you guys with any problems you're facing, whether that be canon or non-canon, plus I just want to hang out with you guys and just as importantly, these sessions will teach you how you can help yourself….".
Dabura scoffed, "Lame". "Better than 'A LESSON IN PAIN!" retorted the newly appointed Councillor-Mentor-Manager-Bro. Dabura winced as those words, "That wasn't me! That was what Master Babidi commanded me to say".
Daniel raised an eyebrow, "The same Babidi that wasn't controlling you in the first place because you're too awesome to control!"
Goku was confused at this, "Ummmm, but that didn't happen". Cooler, Frieza and Android 13 all looked equally surprised. Dabura sighed, "He's referring to the bestest-most-awesomess fanfiction of all time: The Story of Dabura….and it was NEVER FINISHED!"
The demon king sniffled pathetically as he continued: "It was a story all about me and my time with Babidi, he never really controlled me…..kinda felt like a giant cannibal spider was in my head at one point, but I was flying a spaceship and teaching Pui-Pui how not to be soo….well….Pui-Pui….but the story was never finished and I've been wondering what would have happened!".
"Death probably", muttered Frieza, "or maybe you'll get into heaven and began frolicking in flowers?". "Flowers can be an art-form", scoffed Dabura as he shifted uncomfortably on his seat.
"Well done Dabro", smiled councillor-mentor-manager-bro Daniel, "And I'm pretty sure there's a fanfiction where Dabura is swarmed by many lovely, caring women in heaven who like a big softie that likes flowers, and for the record, I know that writer-Daniel is a major fan of 'The Story of Dabura and this is his own bizarre, twisted way of giving you closure…right?"
Ohh, you're asking the mysterious guy with the keyboard…aka me! Yeah, it's true bro! I loved 'The Story of Dabura' and even though it hasn't been completed, I still enjoy reading it because you Dabura are simply awesome and funny in it.
As the words were typed down, Dabura smiled, "I have bros and Orange Juice and Ninjas!". He seemed pretty pleased with the revelation. Daniel scribbled down 'breakthrough' on his clipboard, before scrawling, 'which guy should I dress-up for Halloween?' as an afterthought, even though Halloween isn't really celebrated in Australia.
Well isn't this turning out to be a bizarre story of bizarreness?
Who should go next and what problem do you think they should discuss?