iHave Something To Tell You
As the words reverberated in my head, I could feel my eyes begin to water. An uncontrollable heat swept over my body as my breath shortened and my chest ached. "Hold it together" is all the voice in my head kept repeating. I was no stranger to pain in my life. My mother (if you could even call her that) was emotionally unavailable at best, so I never learned how to deal with mine. For the first time in my life I realized that neither my wit nor my fists would solve my problem. Not to say that I didn't want to punch her right in the face, but this situation was not Carly's fault. This was my fault.
"What's wrong Sam?" Carly said in her usual innocent way.
"Nothing", I said as I regained my composure.
I hoped she hadn't noticed that I was on the cusp of melting down. But, why was my tough girl façade, which I had tirelessly worked for, on the brink of cracking?
"Carly, why couldn't Freddie fall in love with a girl like me?" I asked with all due trepidation.
Carly's response dug in like a thousand fish hooks, "Well to start he is in love with me. Secondly you hate him. Third he hates you. Fourth he isn't your type. Fifth you aren't his type. Sixth….." "Alright Carly, I get it."
To all outsiders her words were true. Anybody that knew me knew that my action towards Freddie weren't exactly those of love. But tonight was different. I had struggled for months to gain the courage to talk to Carly about this and though unintentional, her words hurt. Bad. To complicate things more was the fact that she was wrong on every count.
Six months ago Freddie called me and asked me to meet him at his apartment. He was still injured from his run in with the taco truck and I told him a few days before that Carly was having an emotional reaction to what he had done, not to him. Ever since Carly cornered Freddie and I about our kiss, I had replayed her unanswered question many times in my head. "Did you like it?" The answer was undeniably yes, but I pushed my feelings to the back. As I rode the bus to his apartment large droplets of rain pelted the window at a steady pace that was almost hypnotic. I zoned out as I watched the cars go by, reminiscing about the past two years. The reflection of the lights on the rain slick streets flickered creating a dance of beautiful chaos. Staring out of the bus windows made me think about myself and how I was just like those windows blurred by rain. I realized that my persona was thin like the sheet of water covering the windows and underneath it I was as fragile as the glass. I knew that if anybody stopped and stared long enough they could see right through me. Almost immediately the driver announced the Bushwell Plaza stop. I snapped back to my senses and made my way off the bus. I crossed the street making sure I was aware of all of the traffic. "No taco trucks tonight", I said to myself as I approached the front of the building. I crossed through the lobby and I was so deep in thought I barely even notice Lewbert yelling at an old lady. I pressed up on the elevator and stepped in. I was alone. I leaned forward to press the 8 button on the panel. The elevator had a dank, musty smell that only occurs when it rains. As the elevator began to move the effects of gravity hit me two fold. As I ascended, for the first time I began to ponder why Freddie called me. The numbers at the top of the elevator became a pseudo doomsday clock and I was eight minutes to midnight. With each floor came more feelings of dread. "Why did Freddie call me? Is he ok? What could he want to talk to me about that he couldn't say on the phone? Why do I care? That's right I don't care. But, what if it's bad? What am I doing here?" All of those thoughts bounced around my head as the elevator doors opened. I walked down the hall and around the corner. Then I stopped and stared at Freddie's door. I wondered what was in store for me on the other side. As soon as I gathered the nerve to knock, the door suddenly opened startling me.
"Hi Mrs. Benson, is Freddie here?"
She replied, "Yes he is Sam. Why do you need to see him?"
"I just need to talk to him about some camera stuff in case he can't do the next iCarly." I said.
"Well Freddie is in his room watching TV. I have to run to my office for a little while and I suppose I can let you in since you two are not "interested" in each other. But remember Sam: When I get back if you have hurt my son, its best that you pack up and go on the run."
"Oookaaaay", I said as she announced to Freddie I was there before leaving.
I made my way to his room. When I entered it felt differently than it had ever felt previously. The air was thick with tension and I did not know why.
"Hi Freddie", I choked out. "How are you feeling?"
"Wow", he said, "You actually used my name. Are you feeling alright Puckett?"
I started up, "Look Benson, if you just wanted to argue you could've just sent a text. I would have been less tempted to break your other leg."
"Ah, there she is. I've missed that Sam", he said with strange satisfaction.
"Whatever dude, I'll just go grab a smoothie and call it a night. I'm not here to fight. I'm here because you called me." I said somewhat dejected.
"Wait Sam", he said sitting up.
"No Freddie you wait. Did you ever think that maybe I get tired of messing with you? Maybe it's just too much to keep up. It's like we are not friends as much as players playing a stupid game. I'm tired of playing. I want off of this ride." I blurted out without a second thought.
There was a noticeable silence then he said,
"Sam".
"What Freddie?"
"Are you crying?"
"Yes….. Contrary to what everybody believes about me, I do have feelings."
"Why are you crying?"
"It's stupid."
"No it's not. Please tell me?"
I contemplated his request as if the choice was placed on the two sides of a coin and it was my job to flip it. The rain had not let up so for once I felt one with the universe. Outside it looked like hell, I looked like hell, and I most certainly felt like hell.
"It's everything", I started. "You are in love with Carly, we always fight, I saw you and Carly dancing at the Groovy Smoothie, I know you just broke up with her because of what I said, and I have to pretend that everything is fine."
"Why isn't it fine Sam?"
I sat there in silence for a few moments.
"Why", he asked again.
"Because I….."
The words seemed to float on the edge of my tongue for an eternity.
"Because I love you ok!"
Freddie sat there in silence staring at me as the rain continued to fall and my tears continued to flow.
"I gotta go Freddie."
"Please don't go? I need to tell why I called you over here. Yes, I did break up with Carly but not for the reasons you think. I have been conflicted a long time. I didn't break up with Carly because of what you said. I broke up with her because I have feelings for someone else. It's you Sam and it has always been. I just didn't know it. The way we fight and bicker has been our weird way of flirting."
His words were the sweetest I had ever heard. They instantly broke through the darkness that had consumed my mind, body and soul.
"So all this time you didn't actually hate me?" I whispered.
"No Sam, I never hated you. In fact I would do and say things to get you to react. I just wanted your attention."
"So where do we go from here?" I asked.
"Wherever you want as long as we do it together", he said with his confident grin."
We talked for hours about what the next move was. As the hours slipped by and the storm cleared up, Freddie and I decided that the best thing to do was keep our new found revelation under wraps until we prepared everyone we knew. I knew we had told Carly that we wouldn't keep anymore secrets but we figured that we should work our way up to telling her. We parted with this pact and a kiss significantly longer than our previous one. We decided to keep up the teasing and gently taper it off as time passed so no one would be the wiser. As I left the apartment I considered walking across the hall to crash out for the night but I knew that not even I could hide the emotional rollercoaster that I had just been on. So I decided to go home. I rode the elevator back down and then I felt as if I floated through the lobby. As I waited for the bus a cool breeze of night air washed over the landscape. I turned and faced it taking in several deep breaths. To the few other people on the quite street the breeze was insignificant, but to me it was a wind of change. Certainly nothing will ever be the same after tonight.
As I composed myself and thought about that cool January night it reaffirmed within me that telling Carly right now was the prudent thing to do. If telling Freddie my feelings was flipping a coin then telling Carly everything was most certainly rolling the dice. I could roll a seven and things would be great or I could crap out and lose my best friend. The prospect sickened me. I looked out the window all the way to the horizon line. I could see dark clouds on one side and blue skies on the other. I couldn't tell if a storm was coming or if it had just missed us. "So much for being one with the universe", I mumbled under my breath. But I cleared my head and my throat and with the usual Sam Puckett bravado I said, "Hey Carls, I have something to tell you."