Disclaimer: NCIS does not belong to me. Things would be a little...different...if it did.
Warnings: Involves a male/male relationship. No slash content. Slight language. Major angst.
A/N: So I'm back with my second NCIS story! I really hope you like it. Enjoy!
As he lay in bed that night, Tony thought back on the day. He had practically been forced to visit the daycare at the hospital by the new Navy yard Chaplain. And as nice as she was, he wanted to hate her for taking him there today. He sighed heavily. While it hadn't been as completely awful as he thought it would be, he had felt stiff and uncomfortable the entire time he was there.
Tony gaze sharpened as his lover came out of the bathroom and moved towards the bed. He smiled softly and prepared to roll into Jethro's side. He loved this part of the day, the time where he got to truly settle and be loved and taken care of.
"Why didn't you tell me?" The gruff voice cut through his thoughts. Tony stiffened.
His reply was sharp. "Tell you what?"
"Tony…" He trailed off, hoping Tony would answer.
"What?" Apparently he was being stubborn today.
"Fine. Why didn't you tell me you were afraid of being around children?" He settled into his side of the bed and looked to Tony only to find that his younger lover had turned away from him and curled up on his side. "Tony, don't shut me out. Talk to me." Gibbs waited for about a minute for Tony to respond. When none came, he knew he had to pull out the big guns. "Please Tony."
From his side of the bed, Tony pressed his lips together and then bit out a reply. "I didn't want you to know." He sounded bitter.
Gibbs reached out with a reassuring hand, grasping Tony's hip, hoping to convey his understanding. "Why not Tone? You can talk to me about anything."
"It didn't feel the need to bring it up." Tony answered shortly. Then he seemed to reconsider and fidgeting, continued, "I didn't want you to find out because I know you loved, love, Kelly and I just don't like kids. They…they scare me." He was whispering by the end.
Gibbs scooted closer and molded his body around Tony's. "C'mere. Just because we might disagree on something doesn't mean you shouldn't tell me. It doesn't offend me Tony or make me love you any less."
Tony sniffed and wiped his hand across his cheek, turning slightly so he could see his lover's face. "Really?"
Gibbs smiled softly. "Of course not. Now tell me what it is that terrifies you." As he waited for Tony to answer, he rubbed his hand soothingly up and down the younger man's side.
"I-I guess it's – well it's – um." Tony breath hitched. "I never know what to do with them or how to talk to them. They always hate me Jethro."
"I'm sure that's not true. What makes you think that?"
Tony laughed awkwardly. "If they're old enough, they roll their eyes at me and walk away. If not, they just stare at me blankly. No matter what I do, they can't get away from me fast enough." He looked away, jaw clenched tightly together.
Gibbs lifted his finger and nudged Tony's chin up. "Look at me Tony. If that's happening it's probably because you underestimated how smart they are. You'd be surprised how intelligent kids are. If you speak to them like they're adults, they're more likely to listen to you." He paused to let it sink in. "Now you want to tell me why you were really terrified to go into that daycare?"
Tony balked. "What?"
"You heard me. What you said may be true, but that's not why you're afraid of them."
"How do you do that?" Tony asked irritated. He rolled away again. "I wasn't terrified," he said bitterly.
"The Chaplain told me differently. She said you were shaking before you walked in."
"Well she's a lying bitch!" Tony spat out.
"Hey! No need for that." Gibbs pulled Tony close again. "And after that reaction I'm even less likely to believe you. Now talk to me Tone. Tell me why you were scared."
"You're not my shrink." He was still being stubborn, bitterness seeping into every word.
"No," Gibbs started gently, "but I am your lover and I want to know everything about you, even the things you might not like."
Tony sighed and turned back into Gibbs' chest. "You make it impossible to argue with you, you know." Gibbs smiled and kissed Tony's forehead. "Okay, fine. I – um, I-I can't do this, Jeth." He looked up at his lover, panic in his eyes, his breathing speeding up.
"Shhh…it's okay," Gibbs reassured him, stroking his back. "Calm down Tone. Breath. Come on. Good. All right, start slow. Do you know when it started? The fear, I mean?"
Tony nodded into Gibbs' chest. "Yeah," he breathed out. "I was six." He stopped. He couldn't say more.
XXX
Gibbs waited a few minutes in silence, holding his younger lover tightly to his chest. Every once in a while he would press a reassuring kiss to his temple. "C'mon Tone. Talk to me."
Tony clenched his fist into Gibbs shirt, pressing his face into the older man's neck. He shook his head. Gibbs held back a sigh and rubbed Tony's back. "I don't want to talk about it Jethro," he mumbled.
"You need to Tony. It's eating you up. Talk to me." He continued to hold his lover close, rubbing his back and hoping to earn a response.
Tony sighed deeply, his breath shaky. "If I tell you, you can't tell anyone. And I mean anyone Jethro. Not indirectly or in any way. No comments that imply anything about this conversation."
Gibbs eyebrows rose with each term Tony set for their discussion. "This sounds serious."
"It is," Tony mumbled into his neck. "Do you promise?"
"Not to say anything? Of course, Tone. Go ahead."
Tony clenched his fist tighter into Gibbs' shirt and began. "When I was six, my parents got pregnant again. Thing is, they didn't want more kids. Hell. They barely wanted me. So they didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy and went on with regular life. My mom did everything she did before she got pregnant, everything. She worked out, she ate barely anything, she drank all the time, and smoked a little. She was Dad's trophy wife and she did everything to maintain that image.
By the time she was eight months pregnant, she barely looked any bigger, but she was freaking out over her weight gain and ate even less. At the time, I didn't know to be worried. I mean I didn't know about the effects of alcohol and stuff on babies. I just knew I wasn't allowed to mention the situation to anyone. And I didn't. It was around that time that the baby came. My dad hired a doctor to come in and deliver the baby and paid him to keep quiet. God, Jethro. She was so tiny, so innocent. I knew she wasn't supposed to come yet but I loved her already. She was so perfect."
Tony paused, breath caught in his throat. He forced himself to continue. "My mother barely touched her, just gave her a bottle that the doctor had brought and went to sleep. For the first few weeks, I snuck into the nursery to see her every night. All it was, was a tiny closet with a crib in it. There were no toys, or themed rugs and lamps. There wasn't even a chair in the room. Just the crib. And I felt so bad leaving her there alone all the time. My mother barely acknowledged she was crying the majority of the time. In the evenings, she would drink herself into a stupor and fall asleep. It was easy for me to sneak in to see the baby. I would stare at her through the bars of the crib for hours, just watching her sleep, and eventually I got up the courage to hold her. She looked so lonely."
Tony pulled away and looked at Jethro, tears in his eyes. "I unlatched the crib and pulled her into my arms, holding her tight against me. I even sat on the floor with her so I wouldn't drop her. Quietly, so I wouldn't disturb my parents, I would sing to her. Sometimes she would stare at me so intently I felt like we were the only two people in the world. I loved spending time with her."
Tony's jaw clenched tight, anger in his eyes. "She never had contact with anyone besides me really. My mother would feed her half-heartedly, and put her back in her crib when she was finished. My father never even bothered to look at her after her birth. About a month after she was born, I was with her late at night. I had been holding her for hours, singing to her for a while and just talking to her about my day. She was always so quiet, but that night she made even less noise than usual. I sang her another song, and by the end of it, I noticed she wasn't responding. He eyes were open but unmoving, her arms still under mine. When I leaned close to her, I realized her chest wasn't rising and I knew. Damn it! I knew!" Tony started crying against Jethro's chest, heaving sobs that wracked his whole body. "She was gone, Jeth. My baby sister died in my arms. I sat holding her for hours after she died, sobbing on the floor of her little closet nursery.
My mother didn't find us until the next morning. I was still awake, staring at her perfect little features, tears still streaming down my face. I didn't even look up when the door opened, just heard her voice berating me. 'What are you doing here? What did you do?' And then she yanked the baby out of my arms and yelled at me when she realized that she was dead too. 'What have you done? Look what you did!' She left me curled up on the floor. I felt so guilty. She was right, after all. At least, at the time I believed she was right. I was the only one with her when she died, the one that moved her out of her crib. I never saw my baby sister again. And no matter how much I tell myself that it wasn't my fault, that I'm not really the reason she died, she was in my arms when it happened. I'm the one who let her die. God, Jethro. After that, I was terrified to be around other kids. To this day, it feels like I did something wrong to cause her death, and I don't know what."
By then, Tony was openly crying into Gibb's neck. "Oh Tony." Gibbs held his younger lover tightly. "Your mother neglected her. It was not your fault. Never your fault. She wasn't even your responsibility. Hell, Tony. You were six. No child should ever be burdened with the life of another child. Your parents are to blame, Tony. Never you."
Gibbs lay, tenderly holding his broken lover, offering reassurances with every other breath. For a long time, Tony cried into his chest, but eventually he tired himself out and fell into a restless sleep.
Gibbs almost wished he'd never asked Tony, never dredged up his lover's awful childhood memories. It was terrible what happened, but maybe now that he knew, he could help Tony work through his fear. He pulled Tony tight against his body and drifted into sleep.
They'd start tomorrow.
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