iWas Scared
The air was so hot that breathing was almost impossible. I could feel my back sticking to the wall as I continued to sweat. My senses were heightened and I was aware of everything around me. It was dark and the air was thick with the scent of Lysol. My breathing was hurried and the effect of it all was ecstasy. I turned my face against the wall and lifted my arms above my head. My feet were off the ground and I was being supported by his arms. "Don't stop", I said. "Please don't…Freddie."
It had been ten years since high school and life hadn't been sweet. Everybody graduates feeling like they can do anything they want with their lives. I wasn't that naïve. I felt I was lucky to even get into college, then even luckier to get a job as a graphic designer afterwards. Yes the money was pretty good but I always felt like I knew something that nobody else did; there is nothing else but the cards we draw in life. People wasted time and energy trying to change it, but the fact is you can't. That's what all of my classmates didn't get. Your cards are all you get. Yes, Carly produces her own television show in Los Angeles and Freddie is an executive for Pear Company. But Gibby works as a bouncer at a strip club in Barstow. Melanie got addicted to drugs and has spent the last eight years in and out of rehab. You can't change your hand. That is how I survive, by not expecting anything from life. So the fact that we are all back in town for the ten year reunion only strengthens my stance. Almost everybody here is what everybody thought they would be. Ah Freddie Benson. The mere mention of his name brings excitement to the crowd. But for me the mention brings both joy and pain. Freddie made his way through the crowd to the stage. He is more muscular than I remembered and his brown hair was now down to his earlobes. He had a thin moustache and a goatee. As he began to speak, a half smile crept across my face.
"It's a pleasure to be here this evening and I see a lot of faces I have not seen in years", he began. As you know I am Freddie and I work for….
At that moment the crowd interrupted him with a chant of ICARLY, ICARLY, and ICARLY. "That's my cue", I thought and I started looking for the exit. I slid in and out of the crowd, moving towards the door as he continued to talk.
"Well Carly Shay could not be here tonight. She is filming a show in LA."
"Of course he would mention her", I thought. "I was always the afterthought."
As I made contact with the door I heard my name followed by being blasted with a bright spot light. I brought my hand to my brow so that I could shield the light.
"Don't worry folks. She's used to having bright lights shined in her face", Freddie joked.
I smirked at him, a little hurt by his joke. 'Criminal Sam' died a long time ago and if anybody knew that it was Freddie.
"Come on up here Sam", he said.
As the crowd parted I made way to the stage. I hugged Freddie and turned around to greet the crowd.
"Hi, in case you forgot my name is Sam. I know some of you remember me because you are trying to escape the room."
My joke was met with a few chuckles as the awkwardness washed over the room. I didn't know if it was the joke or the fact that this was the first time in eight years that I had actually seen Freddie. Freddie and I had a relationship that defied description. We dated from the tenth grade until our sophomore year in college. Our break up was epic and he transferred to MIT at the end of the year. When he left I was alone for the first time in years. Carly had decided to skip college and move to LA. So there was no one there to tell me it would be ok or help dry my tears. So I threw myself into school and focused on starting a career. I was always tough but Freddie was the only person I could be Samantha with. When you leave yourself vulnerable and then you get hurt it really sours you to love.
"Well it's good to see you guys", I said nervously.
It had been years since I was in front of a camera and the lack of practice made me anxious to get off the stage. Freddie wrapped up his address and followed me. I was so wrapped in the emotions that were bombarding me; I didn't even realize Freddie was in tow. I opened the door and was immediately accosted by the humidity. The night was still and the stars sparkled just like I remembered. The air smelled of sea water and cigarettes. I glanced to my right and I saw a janitor smoking. I approached and asked to bum a cigarette. He agreed and gave me a light. As I made my way to the park across the street I kicked off my heels and slid on the flip flops I was carrying in my purse. I sat down on one of the swings and took a long drag. The swing brought back a lot of childhood memories and as I thought about my life and how much things had changed I became despondent. As I took another drag my feet dug into the warm gravel and a lump developed in my throat. A single tear ran down my cheek.
"Sam! Hey Sam!"
I looked up and saw Freddie approaching. In one motion I threw the cigarette and dried my tear.
"Oh, hey Freddie", I sniffed."
He looked at me the same way he had since we were kids. The same look that I didn't understand until I was 15.
"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine. Why would you ask?" I quipped.
"Well, you only smoke when you're stressed."
"Oh that. No I'm ok; it just got too heavy in there."
"I know what you mean", he said. "It's just so strange to be around people you grew up with and realize that you have nothing in common anymore."
"Yeah, that's true. Those people still look at me like I'm going to beat them up and take their meat", I said with a scoff. "So how have you been, Mr. Big Shot?"
He laughed and then walked behind me so he could push me. He put his hands on my waist and I almost melted right there in the park.
"It's been good. I mean I do what I love and they pay me ridiculously for it. How about you Samantha?"
"Don't call me that", I said as I elbowed him playfully. "I hate when you call me that."
I really liked it when he used my real name. He was the only person who did and the only person that could.
"I'm ok; I just designed a new print ad for Carly's show. So it could be worse."
"How are you really doing Sam?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean is there a Mr. Sam Puckett?" He said sarcastically.
"Funny Fredward, but no there's not. There has been a few close calls but no", I embellished.
Since Freddie, I had only been serious with one other person but I was never even close to marrying him.
"How about you?"
"No. Sure, I have been on more dates than I can count but nothing real. They just weren't….."
I tensed up in anticipation of his next words.
"They just weren't you."
"Don't do that Freddie."
"What?" he said confused.
"Don't come here and act like the last eight years didn't happen. All I wanted was to be with you and that wasn't enough."
"Wait. All I wanted you to do was transfer to Boston College so we could stay close while I was at MIT. Don't you get how big of an opportunity that was for me? I just wanted you to be a part of it. You had no reason to stay in Seattle. I was just trying to take you away from all the pain."
"You caused the pain Freddie. You left me. You left me here alone with nothing!" I yelled as my eyes welled with tears.
He turned me around on the swing and looked deep into my eyes then said in the most serious tone I had ever heard him say anything in.
"I loved you and you were scared. Its eight years later and I STILL love you and you're still scared Puckett."
I swung at him with an open hand as hard as I could and he caught my hand and pulled me into a passionate kiss. I wanted to pull away but my heart wouldn't let me. As his hands searched my body, I was taken back to a simpler time when love was enough and I actually thought there was more to life. Freddie made me believe that anything was possible, that I could do anything I wanted, that my life wasn't set in stone. Then he took it all away with a cross continental flight. He was right, I was scared. Scared that if I went with him I would run out of excuses on why I couldn't do or be anything. I was freaked out by the idea that anybody cared enough about me to take me away from my old life. I panicked because I thought if I went with him the bubble would burst and I would be hurt worse. As our flame rekindled that night I found that I wasn't scared anymore. Suddenly we became aware that we were outside at the park and decided to return to the school. We frantically looked for a place to finish what we started. Then it hit me.
"What about the stairwell outside the gym?" I whispered half seductively and half like a giddy school girl.
"Cool, let's go." Freddie said eagerly.
It was fitting that we wound up in the stairwell. That's where we met several times a day in high school to make out and talk about what was going on in our lives. Freddie and I told each other things about ourselves that we didn't tell anybody else and being here brought everything full circle. The stairwell was hot just like we remembered and it was freshly mopped. Freddie pinned me against the wall and started kissing me on the neck. I hiked up my skirt and slid off my panties. He unzipped his pants. Then he picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. With a hard thrust he was inside of me. This was perfection. As time went by and we made love in that stairwell I was reminded of why I loved him. I thought about my philosophy that you can't change the cards you draw in life and realized that I didn't have to change mine. I just had to reclaim them. So starting that night that's what I did. I realized that Freddie still loved me as much as I loved him. Nobody else could compare. He was right here waiting on me. We sat on the stairs and talked for hours. We were catching up but it felt like we weren't apart for that long. A janitor came into the stairwell and told us the reunion was over. Relieved, I made my way to my feet and Freddie and I walked out. He walked with me to my car and the bitter sweetness of a great night coming to an end began to hit me. I didn't know what to expect. Freddie kissed me as I climbed into my car.
"Goodnight Samantha"
I smiled and said, "Goodnight Freddie."
He took a step back and I closed the door. After taking a deep breath I began to drive off with my mind racing about what just happen. "Did I just have sex with Freddie in the stairwell?" "Oh my God!" "What now?" I looked in my rearview mirror just in time to see Freddie running behind my car. I stopped and he caught up. I opened the door and got out of the car confused.
"What's wrong Freddie?"
Catching his breath and speaking frantically he said, "Sam I have to ask you something before I lose my nerve."
"Ok. What is it?" I said with eager anticipation.
"Sam, I leave tomorrow morning to go back to California."
"Yeah, I know." I said perplexed.
"Come with me. I know we have had our issues but I can't just walk away from you again. I love you. I've always loved you."
I stood there, stunned by what he had just said.
Freddie continued, "I have a great job, money, and cars but I'm not happy like I should be. I miss y…"
I cut him off, "Shut up Fredward. I'll go with you"
He picked me up and twirled me around as we kissed. I had let Freddie walk away once and I wasn't going to do it again.