Shame and Acceptance

by TehGiantGoblinNibbles

So a long time ago I was in this play production of Pride and Prejudice. Using my script, I decided to make a version of it that makes sense. It's in a scripted format because I'm too lazy to rewrite it. Please enjoy your crappy parody fanfic of a Victorian Era romance while I go and do some reading.

Act 1: Scene 1

(Bennet sitting room. Mr and Mrs Bennet sitting in living room, the girls are listening at the door.)

Mrs. Bennett: Mr. Bennett, guess what! Rich people have moved into our neighborhood. You wanna know who?

Mr. Bennett: I really don't, but I know you'll go on anyway; so I'll just pretend to listen.

(Enter Elizabeth)

Elizabeth: Lydia, Kitty, what did I tell you about pressing your ears at the door. You'll get ear splinters.

Lydia: Forget that, a new stud with money just moved into our neighborhood and he could use a gold digger.

(Jane enters)

Jane: I heard "stud with money," what's going on?

Elizabeth: Nothing, just some guy named Mr. Bingley has moved in.

Mrs. Bennett: I can't wait until he marries one of the girls.

Mr. Bennett: Yes, because that's what all men want when they move into a new neighborhood...a commitment.

Mrs. Bennett: Hush up and go talk to the guy! (Mr. Bennet opens the door)

Mr. Bennett: You know you girls will get ear splinters.

Mrs. Bennett: Go see Mr. Bingley!

Mr. Bennett: Woman, I already have. The things I do to get out of this house.

All the girls: WHAAA?!

Mrs. Bennett: You have no compassion for my poor nerves, Mr. Bennett!

Mr. Bennett: Just like you have no compassion for my poor sanity.

(Mary enters)

Mrs. Bennett: So is he rich?

Mr. Bennett: Yeah.

Kitty: Handsome?

Lydia: Does he have swag?

Elizabeth: If he had enough money, it wouldn't matter if he was King Leer.

Mary: What is going on?! You people are mad!

(Everyone ignores Mary 'cause no one likes her.)

Lydia: So is he gonna be at the dance tomorrow?

Mr. Bennett: The hell if I know. Maybe?

(The girls squeal.)

Scene 2

(Lucas Ballroom, everyone is dancing...poorly.)

Elizabeth: Girl, all the guys are loving you.

Jane: Do you think so?

Elizabeth: Oh yeah, trust me I know men. They're all pervs and retards.

Jane: You say that now, but one day a guy is going to walk in and ignore you and hate you and then spontaneously fall in love with you. (Foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing.)

(Enter Mr. Darcy, Bingley, and Caroline. Charlotte joins Elizabeth.)

Elizabeth: So which one is Mr. Dreamboat McCash?

Charlotte: The really tall guy, that's Mr. Bingley. The girl's his sister, Caroline. And the other guy is Mr. Darcy.

Elizabeth: He looks emo.

Charlotte: Emo he may be, but he makes $10,000 a year and owns half of DAR-BE-SURE.

Elizabeth: The emo half.

(Everyone stops dancing, the fancy trio walk all the way to upstage, the dancing continues. The Bennets start hurrying to Mr. Bingley.)

Elizabeth: Smile, Jane, this guy makes big bucks.

Mr. Bennett: Hey, Mr. Bingley, this is my family. Please, feel free to take anyone of the girls...including my wife.

Mrs. Bennett: Oh hush! This is Jane. (Pushes Jane forward.) You two start talking, have some coffee, then get married and have kids.

Jane: Do you like being rich, Mr. Bingley?

Mr. Bingley: Very much!

Elizabeth: Do you like books?

Mr. Bingley: Not too much, I'm not the strongest reader. I mean, I am strong...and I-uh-can read, but I don't read that much. Oh, but not because I don't like reading-er.

Jane: Books are kind of boring, I'd rather play croquette or some other British activity.

Mr. Bingley:...I am gonna marry you. Wanna dance? (The dance starts, Jane and Bingley start dancing.)

Mrs. Bennett: Look! They're dancing! Isn't it amazing? (Mr. Bennet, looking like he couldn't care less.)

Elizabeth: (To Mr. Darcy) Do you like to dance?

Mr. Darcy: I AM A SHY PERSON. (Elizabeth walks away. Dance ends.)

Mr. Bingley: (To Darcy) Man, the girls here be FINE.

Darcy: I think you were dancing with the only FINE girl in the house, holmes.

Bingley: Yeah, she's really beautiful. What do you think of her sistah?

Darcy: Eh...she's plain. Not enough to make me abandon my shy ways and talk to her. (Foreshadowing, foreshadowing.) You better get back to your girl, holmes. (Elizabeth and Charlotte walk away from Darcy.)

Charlotte: Don't worry, it's not like HE'S the one you end up marrying. (FORE-SHADOW-INNNNNG!)

Mrs. Bennett: You got quite the fly moves, Mr. Bingley.

Bingley: Yes, I got moves like King Henry VIII. (the 19th century equal to McJagger.)

Mrs. Bennett: Of course (pushes Jane forward) my JANE is the best dancer here. It reminds me of that scumbag that was gonna propose, but then left without a word. All he left were a few poems, which kept our chimney fire burning for an extra 15 minutes.

Elizabeth: I wonder who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love...and fueling fires?

Darcy: I thought poetry was the food of chimney flames?

Elizabeth: Sometimes, if the paper is really thick.

Darcy: Then what do you use then? To create stronger flames...of passion?

Elizabeth: Dancing...even if your partner is so shy that he aint fly. (BURN!)

Scene 3 (Bennet sitting room)

Jane: Bingley is so awesome.

Elizabeth: And rich!

Jane: His friend was kind of a jerk, though.

Elizabeth: Darcy? Don't worry, I won't be seeing him anytime soon. (4 to the shadow to the ING)

(Mr and Mrs Bennett enter with the rest of the girls.)

Mrs. Bennett: And then Bingley danced with that one girl that churns the butter.

Mr. Bennett: Please...dear...my sanity can only handle so much.

Mrs. Bennett: And then he danced with that one old lady with the wart.

Mr. Bennett: That's it! Kitty, fetch me my shot gun! I'm making sure Bingley never dances again.

Lydia: WE GOT A LETTER FROM BINGLEY! (Jane takes letter.)

Jane: No, this is from his stuck up sister. She wants me to dine with her while Bingley is out not reading. Can I take the carriage?

Mrs. Bennett: WHA?! Heck no, you're going on horseback.

Jane and Elizabeth: WHAA?! (THUNDER! Jane exits.)

Mr. Bennett: Sure, you know when it's going to rain, but you can't tell when I want you to stop talking?

Scene 4 (Bennett Garden)

Elizabeth: (Reading a letter.) Apparently Jane is sick, and is staying at Bingley's until she's better.

Mr. Bennett: I can imagine the tombstone: "Here lies Jane, she died from a cold in the pursuit of boys."

Elizabeth: I'm going down there and make sure she doesn't die.

Scene 5 (Nether-ether-land hall)

Caroline: This one lady is designing her room with a French style. A little UNPATRIOTIC don't cha think? Huh? LOVE ME, DARCY!

Elizabeth: I'm here for me sistah.

Caroline: Oh, sure, we'll go get her. Omigosh, Darcy, did you, like, see her hair. Like a rat's nest covered in poverty. LOVE ME, DARCY. (Jane comes in)

Jane: Dey are being sho kwind do me. (Isn't her sickness precious?)

Elizabeth: Well aren't we feeling cutesy today? (Bingley enters) Thanks for watching over my sister.

Bingley: I love it...I mean-er, I don't love that she is sick, but I love her being here. Oh, but not like, love love her being here...just...I CANNOT TALK.

(Jane exits and Darcy and Caroline enter. Everyone sits.)

Caroline: Like WOW, Darcy you write faaaast. Love me.

Darcy: You...are...mistaken...I (darth vader breath) write rather...s.l.o.w.l.y.

Bingley: I think you girls are so amazing.

Caroline: Like, omgosh Bingley! Can't you see that Darcy and I are talking?

Darcy: The girls here aren't that amazing.

Caroline: Yeah, girls need to be able to play the piano, dance, swim, juggle, breathe fire, and collect all three pieces of the triforce.

Elizabeth: Well, you guys are jerks.

Darcy: Whatever, my good opinion once something is lost, it's lost forever...except boomerangs. They'll never abandon me!

Housekeeper: HELP, BENNETT ATTACK! (The Bennett ladies all enter)

Mrs. Bennett: We decided to come over. Man this place is sweet. Do you like it here, Bingley?

Bingley: Heck ya! Whaddaabout you Darcy? :D

Darcy: :| It's kinda boring. I miss the friends that I never had back in town.

Lydia: Are you holding a ball soon, Mr. Bingley?

Bingley: Well, my legs are kind of sore. Some old guy kept trying to shoot them off the other day.

But I guess.

Scene 6 (Nether-ether-field Garden)

Mrs. Bennett: I can't wait until we move here!

Jane: Thank you so much, Bingley. (Bingley escorts her to carriage.)

Elizabeth: You're a jerk, Caroline.

Caroline: DARCY IS MINE.

Darcy: Ms. Elizabeth, allow me to awkwardly escort you. (He does so. Weird hand thing happens.)

Scene 7 (Bennett Sitting room)

Mr. Bennett: You better make some extra food, we (unfortunately) will have one more mouth to feed today.

Elizabeth: Who? (Mr. Bennett whispers in her ear the name of he-who-must-not-be-named.)

Mrs. Bennett: MR BENNETT! TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON.

Elizabeth: It's Mr. Collins, our creepy clergy cousin (try saying that 3 times fast). He is going to take over when Mr. Bennett dies. (Knocking on the door, the smell of God, judgement, and stupidity fills the air. Mr. Collins enters.)

Mr. Collins: Hellooooo ladies.

Charlotte: I think I'm gonna hurl, I'm out.

Collins: Boy this house is pretty, I can't wait to kick you all out of here when your provider dies! Who made this tea? It is AWESOME!

Mrs. Bennett: Collins, we have a cook. Plus several servants.

Collins: WHAAAA?! I thought you guys were poor as fleas? Oh, just so you know, I sold my soul to an elderly lady named LADY CATHERINE DE BURGH AKA THE GREATEST WOMAN EVER! She's got this daughter that I say looks like a duchess, but really she's got the grace of a goose. I'm such an awesome guy!

Mr. Bennett: Lord...take me now.

Elizabeth: Do you make these complements up off the top of your head, or do you plan them?

Collins: Girl, I'm so fly it doesn't matter. I also got this really big book written by a boring dead guy. You ever hear of him, Jane, isn't it?

Jane: You're gonna haunt my nightmares tonight.

Mary: I KNOW WHO IT IS! I love that guy so much!

(Everyone ignores Mary. Why is she a character again? Everyone leaves except Mrs. Bennett and Collins.)

Collins: All right, here's the thing. I got a bunch of money, an old lady that wants me to get married, and I pretty much own this house. I want the red head.

Mrs. Bennett: Sorry, she's already taken. But you can have the short, spunky one.

Collins: Eh, I'm not picky.

Scene 8 (Some side walk)

Elizabeth: I hate Collins.

Mr. Wyckham: I got your hankerchief.

Lydia: Omigosh, Mr. Wyckham! You're so brave and daring.

Wyckham: I know. Wanna look for some ribbon? (They do what he says cuz he's charming!)

I have terrible taste in ribbons.

Elizabeth: You're a dude, you're not suppose to. But I like you cuz you're charming. (Suddenly Bingley and Darcy show up.)

Bingley: I was just on my way to your house. Er, but not in a creepy way like Collins.

Lydia: When's der ball? Make sure to invite Wyckham. He's charming!

Bingley: Yes, he is. Er...I mean I will...invite him. (Darcy leaves dramatically.) Oh dear, he's having one of his moments. (Bingley leaves.)

Elizabeth: Why doesn't Darcy like you?

Wyckham: Because I used to grow up with Darcy. His dad like me better, and left his estate to me. But Darcy was an emo jerk and gave it someone else cuz he was jelly.

Elizabeth: SO CHARMING!

Scene 9 (Nether-ether-field ball. People are dancing...poorly...again.)

Jane: Darcy is a jerk.

Elizabeth: And Wyckham is charming.

Bingley: Quick, Jane, dance with me before I say something stupid again!

Elizabeth: Charlotte, do you know where Wyckham is?

Charlotte: Who's Wyckham? He sounds charming.

Jane: Wyckham aint here, Lizzie.

Elizabeth: NOOOOOOO! (A wild Collins appears behind her. Collins uses creepy smile. Elizabeth is stunned.)

Collins: Hey girl, wanna dance?

Elizabeth: DOUBLE NOOOOOO! Fine. :[ (Dancey dance time!)

Collins: Dancing aint no big deal. I'm fly for a white guy.

Jane: Wyckham isn't here cuz Darcy's a jerk.

Collins: That means I get to hang with you all night. (dancey dance time stops) I'll get punch!

Darcy: Um...wanna dance?

Elizabeth: PLEASE! (Dancey Dance time again! Mr. Bennett tries to break Bingley's legs.)

Talk to me while we dance, Darcy.

Darcy: I AM SHY!

Elizabeth: I don't care, just talk about something...like why are you such a jerk?

Darcy: Wyckham's the jerk. I can tell you why, BUT I'M SHY.

Elizabeth: What is going on in that head of yours, Darcy?

Darcy: SHYNESS! (The dance ends. Crazy party stuff happens. Bingley is on floor, trying to get up from Mr. Bennett's deadly blows to the leg.)

Scene 10 (What is with this sitting room?)

Collins: Eeny, meny, tiny, meth. I choose to marry...Elizabeth!

Mrs. Bennett: Great! Everyone get out! (They do!)

Elizabeth: I hate my life.

Collins: Here's a flower. Look, I've been in love with you ever since I heard your sister was taken. Lady Catherine wants me to marry, you're a girl, and I pretty much own your house. So, now I just have to show you how VIOLENTLY I am willing to settle. (Down on one knee.) And don't worry, Lady Catherine will like you when I tell her about how short and pretty and...pretty short you are! I am so good!

Elizabeth: No, I'm not marrying you.

Collins: (Creepy time) You playin'?

Elizabeth: No, I aint playin'. I won't marry you. You're creepy and smell like bad cheese.

Collins: You're saying no?

Elizabeth: Yup. (She leaves)

Collins: WHAAA!? (Girls bust in laughing.)

Mrs. Bennett: Darn her strong will! Don't worry, I'll lower her expectations!

Scene 11 (Garden)

Mrs. Bennett: Make Lizzie settle, Mr. Bennett.

Mr. Bennett: This is my quiet time, woman!

Elizabeth: I can't marry him, he's too creepy and that he smells like God and cheese.

Mr. Bennett: Fine, then don't.

Mrs. Bennett: WHAAA?!

Mr. Bennett: Now give me my quiet time!

Elizabeth: Glad that's over. Wait, Jane? Why're you crying.

INTERMISSION! Act 2 Scene 1

Elizabeth: (Reading a letter.) "We went back to our home in rich people land. Your father broke my legs, and Caroline's been fussy lately. See ya."

Jane: He's gone forever!

Elizabeth: No, you go to rich people land and go all Collins if you have to. GO! (She does. Enter Charlotte.)

Charlotte: Lizzie, I did a naughty.

Elizabeth: It can't be that bad. It's not like you married Collins or anything.

Charlotte: ...kinda did.

Elizabeth: WHAAAT?! How desperate are you?

Charlotte: VERY. Don't judge me!

Scene 2 (Finally, a different garden)

Collins: This house is so awesome, ANY lady would be proud to manage it. ANY. Even a short one.

Charlotte: Get outta here, honey. I wanna talk to my friend. (He leaves.) It's not that bad here, though the smell of God and cheese gets annoying. (He re-enters)

Collins: WE GOT AN INVITATION TO LADY CATHERINE'S! Cool, right? Don't worry, Lizzie, about your outfit. Lady Catherine loves humble people. (IRONY!)

Scene 3 (Rosings room place)

(Collins performs the sacred Ostrich bow to Catherine, then motions the females of his pack to enter.)

Catherine: So you're the short girl from that one place?

Elizabeth: Yeah.

Collins: WINDOW! (A wild Darcy appears. Collins is startled and does another ostrich bow. Darcy is too emo to notice.)

Catherine: Oh yeah, Darcy's my nephew. (Wild Fitzwilliam appears. Catherine uses mind control. Fitzwilliam sits.)

Darcy: How you doin'?

Elizabeth: You're still a jerk.

Catherine: Can you breathe fire, Miss Bennett?

Elizabeth: A little mum, and very poorly.

Catherine: I'm judging you because my nephew is in love with you. ...I've decided I hate you.

Darcy: Just to tell you, I'm not that shy now.

Fitzwilliam: Can I talk now?

Catherine: NO!

Darcy: SOCIAL ACTIVITIES!

Scene 4 (The garden again!)

Elizabeth: Darcy, would you like to sit down?

Darcy: On second thought I'm stil shy! (Leaves)

Charlotte: Why must you be so mean to Darcy?

Fitzwilliam: Can I be sociable now?

Collins: Come along dear, his wig freaks me out! (Collins and Charlotte then leave and are never heard from again.)

Fitzwilliam: Darcy isn't that bad. In fact, before he came here he saved his friend Bingley from marrying some red hed in poor-people town.

Elizabeth: Why must life be so hard?!

Fitzwilliam: You okay?

Elizabeth: NO! Go and worship Lady Catherine.

Fitzwilliam: Okay... (He does what he is told, like a good Fitzwilliam. Darcy storms in.)

Darcy: No! I am not a fluttershy! I am a socialfly! And I love you Elizabeth. Marry me, please.

Elizabeth: Well you shoulda thought of that before you cost my sister her boyfriend!

Darcy: Why are you like this? I've done nothing wrong.

Elizabeth: You cost my sister her boyfriend! And you're a jerk!

Darcy: Okay, so I broke them up. But come on, your father broke the man's legs!

Elizabeth: But they were so happy together!

Darcy: Do you know how well Bingley's speaking skills are? He writes speeches for the king! But whenever he was around Jane, he became a 2 year-old making nonsense noises. She would have ruined him! Plus she didn't seem that interested in him.

Elizabeth: That's because she is a fluttershy, too! And what about Wyckham? Why didn't you give him the estate.

Darcy: Because HE is the real jerk. But perhaps I've said to much. Good day, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: He's such a jerk!

Scene 5 (The Darcy scene)

Darcy: (Reading) Imma keep this short. Just so you know, I did give Wyckham the estate and the money that went with it, but then he turned all George Clooney and gambled away the entire estate. Should have seen it coming, the horse's name was Gimpy. He then tried to hook up with my sis, Georgiana, but then left when he realized she doesn't got money. Wyckham is a gold digger, basically. As for Bingley, I don't blame you for that, but I did it because Bingley is the ONLY FRIEND I HAVE.

Scene 6 (Back here again)

Mrs. Bennett: Lizzie, guess what. You're aunt and uncle, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner are here! Oh, and Jane's back.

Jane: I don't like Bingley anymore (jk, I still love him). (Crazy bunch of people enter)

Kitty: I'm upset because Lydia gets to flirt with army men and I barely get any scenes!

Mrs. Gardiner: Gurl, you best check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Lydia: They just like me better!

Mrs. Gardiner: I would cut someone to get to go to Brighton. Let's ALL go and party! (The joke is that the Gardiners are gangsta. Don't ask.)

Elizabeth: Is this a good idea?

Mr. Bennett: My sanity will be fine...er, SHE'LL be fine. The general dude will watch her. It's not like some dude from our past is gonna show up, charm her, and have her run away with him. (Foreshadowing, I love it.)

Scene 7

Mrs. Gardiner: Lizzie gurl, c'mon down to Peak District and roll with the gangstas.

Mr. Gardiner: Yeah, it be chill laxin down there.

Mary: I WANNA GO!

Mrs. Gardiner: Hush up before I slap ya.

Elizabeth: Should I Jane?

Jane: Yes.

Elizabeth: Okay! (This scene is shorter than Elizabeth!)

Scene 8 (Woods)

Mr. Gardiner: Shoot, men are nothing but stones and Beverly Hillz.

Mrs. Gardiner: And a pimped out ride.

Elizabeth: I'm not going to get eaten by bears, am I?

Mr. Gardiner: Naw, man, we be close to rich people land.

Elizabeth: But that's where Darcy is! We can't go there! He's...uh, too rich.

Mr. Gardiner: Shoot gurl, why ya being a player hater? Player can't help it if he got swag!

Mrs. Gardiner: Don't be hatin', holmes. Let's go in.

Scene 9 (Pemeberley Place)

Mrs. Gardiner: DAMN!

Mr. Gardiner: This place be swaggin, dog. If I lived here, I'd do nothin' but chill in dis crib.

Mrs. Gardiner: Dis must be da Darcy dude's portrait. Dang, he got swag. You think he look good, Lizzie?

Elizabeth: ...Yes, yes he's very handsome and shy. We need to leave. (Enter Darcy and Georgiana)

Darcy: What are you people doing in my house?

Elizabeth: We weren't stealing anything! This is my aunt and uncle, the Gardiners. Don't worry, we'll be gone tomorrow.

Georgiana: Tomorrow? That aint gonna happen. Brother, do something before your shyness gets the better of you.

Darcy: Okay...you wanna eat here tonight?

Mr. Gardiner: Hellz ya, holmes!

Darcy: Shyness...getting the best of me. Sis, do something!

Georgiana: My bro has told me a lot about you, I feel like we're BEST FRIENDS already!

Elizabeth: This family is crazy. I like that piano.

Georgiana: Thanks, bro gave it to me. He shouldn't have.

Darcy: Yay-huh.

Georgiana: Oh all right. After all I barely have any FRIENDS. So that piano is like my best friend. Isn't that right piano? He says yes.

Darcy: You guys wanna go fishing tomorrow?

Mr. Gardiner: Dat be real fly for a white guy.

Mrs. Gardiner: You be cracka lackin', Darcy. (Fitzwilliam enters)

Darcy: Fitzwilliam? What are you doing so far away from Lady Catherine?

Fitzwilliam: I finally broke her spell! Now I got my soul back! Oh, and I got this letter for Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Reading time! (Reads, becomes sad and runs out. Runs back in, then runs out. Runs back in, runs out.)

Everyone: MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

Elizabeth: This letter says that Wyckham charmed Lydia into running away. Now she is going to ruin the family name.

Darcy: You need to leave, ASAP and get your ducks in a row.

Mr. Gardiner: Man, he be right. Imma find Wyckham and bust him up.

Scene 10 (That sitting room everyone loves)

Mrs. Bennett: BWWAAAAHH! Why'd the general dude take his eyes off of her and stop that group of French terrorists?

Mary: No one liked me anyway.

Mrs. Bennett: Not now Mary, mommy's having a moment. Oh, Wyckham will kill Mr. Bennett, and then Collins will kick us out and we'll have to eat rats on Even-poorer-people street. Oh, I'm having such SPASMS! BWAAA! LYDIA!

Kitty: Look, I got a letter! (They rush to her like a starving animal to a steak.)

Eliazabeth: The letter says that they're married, and all dad has to do is pay 100 pounds.

Mr. Bennett: The man's an idiot, he clearly hasn't had that much time with Lydia.

Mrs. Bennett: This is so awesome! I have to go brag to the neighbors about this.

Elizabeth: I'm family with jerks!

Scene 11 (The same place as last time)

Mrs. Bennett: Lydia! If it wasn't for the fact that you got married I would be killing you right now.

Lydia: I know! I was flashing my ring at all the girls and they were so jelly. You all need to go to Brighton, that's where you get men.

Wyckham: I've been enlisted in nowhereland.

Mr. Bennett: Good for you.

Kitty: I wanna come!

Mr. Bennett: NOOO! :[ (Everyone leaves except Lydia and Elizabeth)

Lydia: I'm a jerk now that I'm married.

Elizabeth: Everyone is now.

Lydia: Oh, I wanted Wyckham to get married in his blue coat, but Darcy said he looked fine in red. Oh well, YOLO. (YOLO is used to further show how retarded Lydia is.)

Elizabeth: Wait, Darcy was there?

Lydia: Whoops, I messed up. He was the one that found us, and paid for Wyckham's commission. But he said he didn't want you to know.

Elizabeth: That shy, sweet, JERK.

Scene 12 (You all know where this is.)

Kitty: Hey, Bingley's back. (Mrs. Bennett falls off the couch and starts freaking out.)

Mrs. Bennett: Quick, everyone, prepare to be perfect. Jane, DON'T ACT DESPERATE!

Kitty: Darcy's here too.

Mrs. Bennett: I don't care! BINGLEY! (Bingley and Darcy enter.)

Bingley: Hey, my legs are better now.

Elizabeth: You aren't going to leave us again, are you?

Bingley: Well, we're only here for a few days for some duck hunting.

Mrs. Bennett: NEVER MIND THAT! What do you think about Jane?!

Bingley: Um...yes, she looks rather grand. Uh...I have to go do some reading! (Runs away)

Darcy:...You people scare me. (He walks out.)

Jane: Well, at least we can be friends now.

Kitty: Wait, he's coming back. (Bingley runs back in, nearly pushing over Kitty.)

Bingley: I wanna talk to Jane...alone.

Mrs. Bennett: QUICK! TO THE EAVES DROPPING ROOM! (The girls walk out, only Jane and Bingley are there.)

Bingley: I just wanna say, that I'm an idiot and I forgive your dad for breaking my legs. I really, really, really, really, REALLY wanna marry you. What do ya say?

Jane: YEEEEEEESS!

Mrs. Bennett: Omigosh, omigosh, omigosh! It finally happened! 2 down, 3 to go!

Scene 13 (Stuff is going down at night, bro)

(Knocking on the door, everyone rushes around until they answer the door. The Bennetts and the sith lord-er, Lady Catherine enter. Mr. Bennett puts on his wig for some reason.)

Catherine: The rest of the Bennett vermin? Quite a tiny bunch. I wanna speak with Elizabeth, the rest of you can leave. (They do.) I'm not happy, Elizabeth. Not...happy.

Elizabeth: Well excuse me for being poor.

Catherine: It's more than that. My cousin loves you, but he's suppose to marry my daughter instead. I heard you two were engaged, and I came here to see if it was true. Is it? Cause if so, then be prepared to be turned into a newt.

Elizabeth: It's not true.

Catherine: And do you promise to never ever marry him?

Elizabeth: No! I like Darcy now! And you're coming here has only made me want to marry him more. Cuz after all, it's not like I'm marrying into his family or anything. Now leave.

Catherine: If I still had Fitzwilliam's soul, you'd be a toadstool by now.

Scene 14 (Bennett garden...IT'S THE FINALE!)

Elizabeth: Darcy, I couldn't sleep.

Darcy: My aunt's an old hag. How can I make up for it?

Elizabeth: You've already done so much. You found Lydia, and probably hooked Jane and Bingley back together.

Darcy: I did it all for you. It was that brought me out of my shyness, and you alone. I don't know if you love me or not, but I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If you still hate me, then go ahead and slap me, but if you actually do love me now...then you'd make me so happy.

Elizabeth: I LOVE YOU! Let's get married and have shy British children together!

(And they do!)

THE END