I thought I saw the devil
This morning
Looking in the mirror
He regretted the words the instant they'd left his mouth. Spewed in a heated moment, a fit of rage.
Of all the mistakes Baz has made, this, this moment, he regretted the most.
He can still see the look of pain, the flash of hurt in his lover's eyes. Blue eyes, like the sky after the storm has cleared, bringing light.
Drop of rum on my tongue
With a warning
To help me see myself clearer
In that moment, those blue eyes were like a tsunami of emotion, swirling with so much pain and Baz did this.
The vampire stared down at the churning water below him, contemplating. He always knew he was toxic, that Simon should've left him early on in this relationship.
A pair of bright blue eyes flashed across his mind, full of love for him, sincerity. Baz allowed himself to drown in the memories.
"You're not a monster, Baz," Simon said. His eyes were smiling, but his expression was firm. "You're as much of a monster as I am." Baz gave him an incredulous look. "Simon, you could never be monster. You're full of life. You're beautiful." Simon smirked to his boyfriend, his best friend, his ex-nemesis. "Exactly."
But Simon, beautiful, lively, selfless Simon, had been wrong. After their first kiss Baz had sworn to protect Simon. And he was a monster, and a liar.
Because what he needed to protect Simon from was himself.
And Baz was selfish enough to think he'd keep Simon safe.
I never meant to start a fire
It had been a pointless argument, really. But somehow it had escalated into something worse (so much worse).
*Flashback*
"Where are you going?" Simon mumbled sleepily, watching as his lover changed. It was well past midnight.
"Out." Was Baz's only reply before stalking from the room.
Simon sighed, getting out of bed. This was the fourth time in a week Baz had been leaving in the middle of the night without explanation.
To be fair, Baz had good reasons for not telling Simon. He knew the curly haired boy would object to his actions if he knew how dangerous this was.
But he could see how hard Simon was taking the loss of his magic. And he'd be damned if he let Simon be sad any longer.
"You can at least tell me where you're bloody going." Simon said, crossing his arms. He had a sneaking suspicion, but he would never suggest it because Baz knew better than to do something so foolish.
"Crowley, Snow, I am my own person." Baz snapped.
Simon glared, trying to keep his temper at bay. The shorter boy took a deep breath, staring at the back of Baz's head. He never wanted to assume this, but it was the only viable explanation (He refused to even think about the other possible option.)
His next words made Baz freeze.
"If you're with someone else, just go. I'm not forcing you to stay with me if you're unhappy Baz."
Immediately he wished he had told Simon everything from the beginning.
I never meant to make you bleed.
"Simon you know I could never do that to you."
"Then what else could it be, Baz! Because there's only one other option and there is no way you could be that stupid!"
I'll be a better man today.
"Is it stupid for me to want you to be happy!"
"I am happy Baz!"
"I can see how it hurts you Simon, I know you miss your magic!"
Simon stepped forward, gripping Baz's arm, eyes frantic, pleading.
"I need you more than any bloody magic Baz."
He almost gave in, right then.
"We both know you want your magic back."
Simon squeezed his eyes shut, releasing Baz's arm.
"Fine. Get yourself killed. But this isn't worth it."
Baz's temper flared.
"What would you know about being worth while,
My past has tasted bitter, for years now
The next part makes tears slip from his eyes, dropping into the water.
So I wield an iron fist,
Grace is just weakness,
"You were abandoned on the steps of an orphanage."
Or so I've been told
I've been cold
I've been merciless
Simon froze
Baz was horrified at himself
But the blood on my hands,
Scares me to death
Baz reached for Simon, and yanked his hand back when Simon flinched.
Maybe I'm waking up
Today
Simon shook the words off, knowing Baz hadn't been thinking.
He stepped forward again as Baz stepped back.
The vampire gave a bitter smile, but Simon saw it in those grey eyes he loved so much.
For all of the light that I've shut out,
The regret.
The hurt.
The sadness.
All of the innocent things that I doubt
But none of those things measured up to the most prominent emotion in him.
For all of the bruises I've caused and the tears
Self-loathing.
For all of the things that I've done
"I've always told you I was a monster, Snow." Baz spit the word out, emphasised with self-hatred.
Bas ran from their flat, knowing he could never go back, because he hurt Simon.
And he would rather die than let Simon live with a monster.
A monster who would hurt him.
All these years.
Because Baz had promised himself to protect Simon from anything that could hurt him.
For all of the sparks that I put out
Baz opened his eyes, the tears pouring out, being masked by the newly falling rain.
He should've died in that fire he'd set at the side of the road.
But Simon Snow refused to let him die.
For all of the perfect things that I doubt
Simon was sprinting, wishing now more than ever he hadn't had the surgery to remove his wings and tail. It was hard to see through the rain, but he had to find Baz.
Yeah, his words had hurt, why the hell wouldn't they have.
But there was only one other time, in the two years they'd been together, that Simon had seen so much self-hatred inside of Baz.
When he tried to burn himself alive by the side of an abandoned road.
Simon almost sighed in relief when he recognized the figure standing a few yards ahead of him, but his breath caught when he saw how close Baz was to the edge of the bridge.
His feet moved faster than he thought possible, his mouth opening to scream a name.
"Baz!"
I'll be good, I'll be good
The black haired boy turned, seeing his boyfriend sprinting toward him.
But Simon Snow couldn't save him, not this time.
Not if he wanted to be safe.
He had already hurt Simon before, and if this morning was any consolation, he would do it again.
Because Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch was a monster.
It was all he would ever be.
He shuffled closer to the edge, and he heard Simon's footsteps get faster.
His voice grew more desperate.
"Baz!"
He turned to look at Simon.
For all of the times
"I'm sorry, Simon Snow."
He turned back around.
"Baz!"
That I never could
And he let himself fall.
"BAZ!"