Hogswatch was coming. A time of joy and celebration marked with the giving of gifts to friends and family. Hex didn't have any friends, but he did have family. Well, he had Ponder who technically was his mother despite being a msn. And a wizard.
Which meant that Hex had a dilemma. What does one buy for a twenty-five year old Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic who just so happens to be one's mother when one is a sentient sheep skull with a swarm of ants attached? This was not the sort of question Hex was designed for. For a moment, the thinking machine pondered writing to the Hogfather for help, but decided against it since he didn't know where to send the letter.
A group of student wizards walked in and Hex shoved the Hogswatch question to the back of his processor. Adrian Turnipseed sat down in front of the machine, still talking to Billy McClean.
"They can't prove it wasn't written by Leonard of Quirm!"
"Yeah, but that's like saying you can't prove Big Foot isn't real!"
"Big Foot is real," little Garin Hiddle. "They're a species of troll similar to the Yeti that dwell on the other side of the Hub." Everyone stared at Garin for a second before launching back into the argument.
"Did you understand it?" Adrian asked.
"Well, no, but that doesn't--"
"Yes, it does, Billy! Everybody knows you're the smartest student wizard. The only person in the department smarter than you is Prof. Stibbons." Hex suddenly sat up and paid attention. Metaphorically speaking that is.
"So because I didn't understand the book, it had to be written by Leonard of Quirm?" Billy asked. "Never mind the fact that I don't understand half of what Ponder's on about! Maybe he wrote it!" The students turned toward Hex as the quill moved. It dipped itself in the ink before scratching across the parchment paper. Adrian reached out and tore the strip off.
"Plus sign, plus sign, plus sign, Input literary source, plus sign, plus sign, plus sign," he read. "Why would we do that?"
Hex wrote back. "Plus sign, plus sign, plus sign, Word analysis shall reveal the true author. Plus sign, plus sign, plus sign."
"Think about it," Garin said, staring up at the other boys. "Who uses Hex the most? Prof. Stibbons! At this point, Hex knows him better than anyone else. He should be able to recognise the speech patterns!" Everyone stared at Garin for a moment before turning and staring at Hex. Billy shrugged.
"It's worth a try." Adrian hit a few buttons on the keypad and a drawer slid out. Billy placed the large tome inside. The drawer slid back in and the familiar hourglass shot out.
Hex quickly breezed through the book. Some of the word patterns were solely Genuan and everyone knew Leonard of Quirm had spent a good portion of his life in that city. Satisfied, Hex pulled the hourglass back in, but didn't return the book.
The students were still staring at the aquarium when Garin noticed the hourglass had disappeared. "He's found something!"
"'It', Garin," Adrian replied. "Hex isn't alive, remember?"
"Oh yeah," Garin said sheepishly.
"So who wrote the book?" Billy asked as he squeezed on the operator's bench beside Adrian. The quill scratched the name on the paper.
"Plus sign, plus sign, plus--"
"Enough with the crosses already! We know it prefaces ever remark with that!" Billy said. Adrian glared at him before continuing sullenly.
"Leonard of Quirm. HA!" He punched the air in victory. "I told you!"
"Yes, yes, yes, I buy the first round," Billy said dismissively. "Where's the book?"
"Out of Cheese Error. Redo from Start," Adrian read.
"Stupid thing," Billy muttered.
"Does it matter?" Garin asked. "It's not like any of us understood it anyway."
"Well, yeah, but it's the principle of the matter. I paid for that thing."
"Just like you're going to be paying for the first round tonight," Adrian said grinning. "Let's go, boys."
The trio wondered out, still arguing, leaving Hex to himself. The thinking machine would have laughed had he vocal chords.
It was Hogswatch Eve and all through the High Energy Magic Building, student wizards were scurrying around like ants through Hex's plastic tubing. Ponder Stibbons, youngest member of the Unseen University staff, sat down in front of Hex.
"Good evening," he said, though he immediately felt silly. "Let's see." Ponder began looking through the pockets in his robe. "I know I have that equation here somewhere." Suddenly, a drawer slid out of the machine and the quill began to write furiously. Ponder reached out and picked up the book. It was a copy of Leonard of Quirm's iTheories on Metaphysical Dimensional Crossings/i. He stared at it before reading the first couple pages. "Oh, well, that makes sense. I wonder why I never thought of that." That was when the quill stopped. Absentmindedly, Ponder reached over and grabbed the strip of paper.
"Hey, isn't that--" Billy began, but Adrian quickly put his hand over the other boy's mouth.
"What's the message say, professor?" Garin asked, trying to pretend like he wasn't noticing the scuffle behind his head.
"Hmm?" Ponder looked up from the book long enough to realise he had the attention of almost everyone in the department. "Oh, well, um, 'Happy Hogswatch from the High Energy Magic Department.'" He blushed. "Thanks, boys. It's almost time for the feast; go on over and I'll be there in a minute." The students shuffled out, leaving Ponder and Hex alone.
The wizard turned to the machine and read the message aloud, "Dearest Mummy, Have a happy Hogswatch and know that I love you lots. Love, Hex." He blushed again and fondly patted the ram's skull in the centre of the device. "Thank you, but could you please not call my mummy in front of the others?"
The quill scribbled. "+ + +Sure, Mummy. + + +" Ponder rolled his eyes and put his new book into his pocket.
"Thanks." He rose and walked over to the door. He stopped in the doorway. "Happy Hogswatch." Hex hummed happily to himself as he waited for the Hogfather to show up.