The Adventures of Malon: The Farm Girl of Hyrule
Malon stared out into the vastness of Hyrule. It had been a long day. Her stupid father hadn't emerged from the stupid castle for over six stupid hours. She asked an odd looking child to go in and look for her father but that was probably a lost cause, and she wasn't sure about trusting a weird kid who was running around in a green dress. As she approached home she noticed a vague figure sprinting down the hill from her farm. As the figure drew nearer she could see that it was a man, and, upon further inspection, a man with rabbit ears. The man was fast approaching and Malon wondered if she should try and pass the time by striking up conversation with him. By that time, the man had begun slowing down so she stopped and waited.
And waited
And waited
And waited
GOD! How long does it take for a person to catch their breath? Malon decided that she would ignite the conversation.
"Excuse me, sir, but why are you wearing that?" she asked while pointing at the yellow rabbit hat on the man's head. The man took a few more breaths before replying.
"Oh, this?" He asked. "It's my good luck charm! It also happens to boost my speed as I run!"
Malon nodded with a skeptical look on her face. She wasn't sure what to make of this. Was he a very superstitious, dedicated runner, or was he a complete nutcase that, because of his swiftness, escaped from the dungeons of Hyrule castle and is now on the loose. Assuming the latter was correct; Malon decided it was better to make a quick getaway to avoid trouble.
She reached the entrance to her home, Lon Lon Ranch, and instead of going straight to bed, she took advantage of her father's absence to go to the most secluded part of the ranch. It was at the very back of the ranch, where they kept the feed for the animals, and where the cows were usually left at night. Behind the milk boxes in this cramped room was a small hole just big enough for her to crawl through. She kept all of her secret items back here such as: a crystal in the shape of a heart, a bottle filled with water from Lake Hylia, a bow, and a quiver. Malon was thrilled with the fact that she could keep the bow and arrow set here because her father would never be able to fit through the small hole.
After checking up on her item collection, she decided that she would turn in for the night and hope her father would be home in the morning.
Malon awoke with a start as she realized that it was the next day. She rushed downstairs from her room to discover that her father was still not at home. Where could he be? How long does it take to deliver milk?
She decided that since her father wasn't home that she would go and find that boy in the green dress and kill him. Kill him dead. It would be a great way to pass time and get away from the ranch and Mr. Gorman, the perverted ranch hand. So she set out to the feed house to retrieve her bow and quiver.
She figured that since she had never shot it that she could use some practice, so she ventured to the village that was across the river from where she lived.
Along the way she was attacked by a weird monster that looked like a plant but not…anyway, it was the perfect chance to try her hand at archery. So she shot at it….and missed
And missed
And missed
And missed…again!
Wow, she obviously did not have any hand eye coordination. So in order to conserve what little ammunition she did have for her revenge, Malon fled for Kakariko Village.
The village was quaint, maybe a little boring, but at least she could buy some arrows. As she inspected the town she noticed that everyone was talking about some kid in a green dress that messed up their windmill and caused their city well to run dry. Well, most people, there were a few who were growing suspicious about what the village children had been doing to the water.
Malon was ready to go in after the boy but remembered what she had come for. Ammunition. So she hastily made her way to the village shop to purchase more arrows. Upon asking for the afore mentioned items she was told that she must be 18 or older to purchase such a dangerous item. So she decided that the best bet would be to see if she could find some down in the well.
Malon made her way to the well and began her decent. The well grew darker as she neared the bottom and she realized that she might not be able to see down there, so she climbed back up. Puzzled as to where she could obtain something to light her way, the ten-year-old adventuress overheard some villagers talking about the lantern wielding poes that haunt the graveyard behind the village. Lanterns! Malon decided that she should mug one of the poes and steal its lantern and maybe even get some practice with her bow. It would be perfect.