"Will you please, just please close the door behind you as you leave. I can't have this conversation right now. I just- I don't want to see you right now. Please, just, for- for the- close the door. Leave… leave the room, and- and. I'm asking. I'm not- please I'm practically- for the love of-." She stammered on as she struggled to find the right words. What were you to say in a situation like this? I was as confused as she was. "Oh Jesus, this is such a mess. I.. I think I hurt my.. oh no."
The loud clatter immediately broke me out of my trance as I moved towards her, "Should I get you some ice? How about you just sit here and, and I could get you some- I'll be right back with some water! Here- here's the crea.-" "Shut up… just, leave me alone! I packed a bag and- "Are you doin-" "Don't interrupt me! It's by the TV and take it and just please give me some time to think about this. Please, just leave. Stay with Maya for- for," she broke down sobbing. All I wanted to do was comfort her, reassure her and tell her this was all a nightmare. That was what I told myself anyway. I knew that that was not what she wanted. She wanted, needed, some time off. So I did what she asked me to. As she sat on the bedroom floor curled into herself, I did what I did best and left.
I walked down the stairs, took my bag, opened the door, closed the door and just stood there. My movements were mechanic. I was still hoping that this was some joke. I would take it all back, everything. All I needed at this point was to make her happy. Yet, I needed to make myself happy. I was suddenly drained. A beer, I needed a beer. I needed a smoke. I needed her. I couldn't have her, I hurt her. I hurt everyone. I want to hurt myself. I will hurt myself. I know what I needed to do, at the same time I didn't. I promised I'd never go back to this. She promised she'd never leave. We would be even. I have to, I have to.
Most people would avoid the part of town I was going to after dark, and for good reason. This is where people came to get lost. Riley had found me years ago, she helped me find myself. Yet the second I lost here I ran as fast as I could to lose myself. As I entered the alley, every bone in my body screamed not to. I could almost picture Riley asking me to walk away, not give into temptation. It was too late, I was lost. As I walked into the bar, I immediately noticed everyone I had worked so hard to lose. I saw Maya and felt nauseous. All I could think about was loss. I had lost everything. Lost, I was so lost without Riley. The white powder worked like magic like always. I kissed Maya, like always. We slipped into the bathroom and I slipped into her. We had sex, didn't make love. She was broken, I was dead. She had lost her family, I had lost myself. We found each other yet I didn't find myself. Only Riley could help me find me.
I need her back. I pushed Maya off me and ran. Ran to where my future was. Little did I know that my future had melted into my past. I ran back home, home to where I found myself. Home to where I pictured myself happy. Home to where I found Riley dead.