Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Show: Young & the Restless
Central Character: Victoria Newman Abbott
Summary: "I will miss you for the rest of my life." / Or, Victoria remembering a little girl who left this world too soon. BillyVictoria undertones.
Notes: While I think everyone has been slaying in this storyline, in my opinion, Amelia Heinle IS the unsung hero of this storyline. That is what inspires this one-shot. It took me roughly an hour or so to bang it out. An hour of typing, and a whole lot of editing.
Notes2: This is entirely from Victoria's perspective, her thoughts, her emotions, how she herself, is going through the grief of Delia's death. I like to think that though Delia was Billy and Chloe's child, Victoria and Delia built a relationship independent of that. Same as Kevin did. I'm writing this because the show on TV is giving Victoria a dismissive stance I feel, and I'm correcting that. Victoria' daughter, Eve should be tied into this story, so I'm correcting that too. This is actually very cathartic for me. I hope it is enjoyable as a read for you.
Disclaimer: No. Nothing belongs to me. The title belongs to The Wizard of Oz. I could tell you the musical inspiration being this, but they are too numerous.
"Grief is the price we pay for love." – Katherine Chancellor
.
Victoria watches Billy and Delia make French toast while Johnny plays with her keys and gets his usual kicks from yanking Keeley's tail. Victoria packs Delia's book-bag. She remembers, reminding Billy to sign some permission slip Chloe drops off the previous evening.
Victoria laughs, as Billy kisses her and spins her around, using the surface of her back to sign it and hand it back to her. It's such a blur now and this morning seems like a lifetime.
Everything is normal. Everything is routine in the morning when they all wake up. Billy has to go into the restaurant later in the morning. Delia has school and her play tonight. Victoria has a Mommy & Me class. It amuses her and tickles Billy that Johnny is taken with a red-headed toddler with green eyes named Daphne and she likes him. She can't help but laugh when Daphne gives Johnny her elephant shaped animal cracker. Daphne's mother, Wendy, does as well. ("Well, Johnny's got that Abbott charm like his Pops, Vick, and nothing says let's go steady like offering a girl your binky, right buddy?" Billy answers, proudly, and offers his open hand to Johnny for a high five that he gets)
Then, there is a routine doctor's appointment with Dr. Chan, the pediatrician, with Johnny this morning before she works from home today.
All of a sudden, everything melts away. They're at this dark point – a point Victoria finds surreal and is almost nightmarish as she waits for the distant sound of her alarm clock to pull her back – and it tears her heart to ribbons.
.
Victoria tries to call JT, but gets Mackenzie instead.
"Victoria," Mackenzie's voice greets her on the other end, and Victoria is trying not to panic because once again, Billy is gone and she doesn't know where he is. "Hi."
"Hi. Um, is JT home?" she questions, trying to keep her voice even. "I need to speak to him."
"No. He isn't, but I can tell him you called."
Victoria replies, with a sigh too shaky for her own ears, "Okay," and then a small twinge of desperation hits her because she's scared for her husband – his heart is broken and he's a shattered mess. Billy says he can't get through Delia's death alone, and that he needs her, and she desperately wants to put the pieces together and doesn't know how. "Mackenzie, wait," she pauses, and allows herself to fall apart a little bit – a little bit of release for herself, "Billy… he's gonna need a lot of friends, love and support. Please call him."
There's a pause and then a concerned, "What's wrong? Is he okay?"
Victoria sniffles, lightly. It's a loaded question. How can she answer that, when the answer is ambiguous and escapes her?
"There was… there was an accident tonight. And someone died," Victoria starts to explain, with a lump in her throat and a slightly ache in her heart. She can't even believe this to be real.
"Oh my God," Mackenzie almost says, like a breath. "You said Billy was going to need support, Victoria. Who died?"
She gazes at the theatrical poster that Delia will never see.
Victoria draws it, and now, she wishes she could burn it.
"Delia," Victoria sobs, the phone shaking in her hands as fresh tears slide down her cheeks. She almost feels sick, saying these words, because then it does become real. "Delia died tonight, Mackenzie. Billy & Chloe's little girl is dead."
There's a pause that seems like forever, but it's only been seconds.
"What? I don't understand you. What did you just say?"
"Delia was in an accident, Mackenzie," Victoria explains, just like does with Kevin at the hospital. "She was struck by a car and the person left her. They left her and Billy found her on the side of the road, and by the time I got to the hospital, he was a mess and told me," her breath hitches again and she's surprised at the octave her voice takes on. "Billy told me… The doctors did everything they could, but they couldn't…"
"No, no. no. Billy & Chloe's daughter, Delia?" Mackenzie replies, before Victoria has the chance to finish. Her voice breaks, and she sounds like she is about to be in tears. "What? How does that even happen? Oh my God. Victoria… Oh my God."
"Just – I know Billy would love to hear from you. Please let JT know I called, and that I need to speak with him. I know it will be hard for JT to tell Reed about his stepsister."
Mac breathes in deeply, "Of course, I'll let him know. And keep me posted. Any time."
"I will. Goodbye, Mackenzie."
Victoria hangs up, and sets her phone on the coffee table. She sees Delia's favourite rag doll and she cries, going against her nature and not caring.
It's okay because she will fall apart, shatter to pieces and then put herself together for Johnny & Billy's sake. That is the only sane thing Victoria can do. It is the only way she can feel like she has a semblance of control when everything else will never be the same.
.
There is something very wrong about today.
This is all wrong about having to dress up in black, and say goodbye to a little girl whose light is cruelly snuffed out way too early.
Seven years old is young for goodbye, and it's not fair.
Billy doesn't blame her for the ice-cream, but Victoria will always blame herself.
.
Billy wants to show up later to the church, and okay, Victoria can respect that. He needs patience. He needs love. He needs understanding, and she will be there to give to him when he's ready.
Emotions are a very funny thing. Hers sneak up on her when she's standing in the driveway, waiting for Reed to say goodbye to his brother. Johnny adores Delia and is at that age when he can say her name, clearly. He can't say Delia yet, but to him and everyone who loves her, she's just Dee Dee. Johnny laughs like crazy when Delia plays with him and it kills Victoria that he will grow up and not have those memories.
It kills her even more that this driver hits Delia and leaves her on the side of the road, alone in the dark. Maybe if Victoria goes to the play and forgoes waiting for Hannah altogether, she would be in the car with Delia and Dash with Johnny in the car seat. Billy would get the ice-cream and they would all come home, and really, who the hell has ice-cream in October anyway?
Victoria waits by her car as tears blur her vision, but Reed opens the front door and she wipes them away and discreetly sniffles.
She will be strong today, because someone has to be.
No, Victoria, you will not fall apart. Not today.
She holds on to that mantra to the point of madness.
.
"Mommy, remember when you said I could hold your hand if I wanted to cry?"
Victoria smiles down at her son, and ruffles his blond head of hair. She adjusts his coat, and makes sure he's warm, "Yeah. I remember, baby."
"Well, you can hold my hand, too, if you're sad, okay?"
Victoria hugs her boy and is thankful she has him. She pulls away, with a watery smile.
"I love you. So much."
"I love you too, Mommy," Reed takes her hand and squeezes it. "We'll say goodbye to Delia and maybe Billy will let you hold his hand, too."
"Yeah," Victoria replies, and wipes stray tears away, and plasters on a smile. "Thank you for saying that."
Her marriage to JT is long over and they maintain something of a friendship that will never tip over into romance, but she and JT can agree that Reed is the best thing to ever happen to them.
She opens the back door to her car, so Reed can climb in.
"Okay, let's go. Grandpa, Grandma, Uncle Nick…everyone will be happy to see you. Buckle up, please," Victoria instructs, and slams it before climbing into the driver's seat and pulling away from the driveway. Stealing one last glance at their upstairs bedroom window, Victoria hopes for one glimpse of Billy. Her hope is a little shaken but it will not break. It's okay.
She feels like she is driving into this abyss of sadness and all Victoria can do lately is pray.
Victoria isn't religious, but that's what she does lately. She goes on her knees and prays most nights.
.
Victoria remembers the very last moment of pure joy she experiences with her stepdaughter.
She remembers because Delia's eyes twinkle more brightly than they usually do and watching her make Johnny smile and laugh is the most vivid memory. So, this is what Victoria holds on to for dear life when she feels herself unravelling and wants to fall apart.
.
Delia helps her make lasagna for dinner. Johnny is napping and Billy has yet to come home from On the Boulevard, so it is just them girls.
Victoria's knack for language is a side effect of international travel and business dealings that stretch across continents. She happens to be fluent in four and a half: Spanish, French, Japanese, Italian and just enough Russian to carry a conversation. There are flamenco dancers on the streets of Barcelona, the smell of baking croissants in a Parisian street-side café, colourful, intricate structures that rest in St. Petersburg, sake and bad karaoke with Billy in Japan and the most breath-taking Florentine sunrises and sunsets.
Victoria teaches Delia some Italian phrases and she's so eager to learn.
"Maybe one day, we will go to Florence in Italy one day – you, me, Johnny, Reed and your dad."
Delia is in the middle of sprinkling mozzarella cheese on the top layer of dinner while the oven pre-heats. She glances up to meet Victoria's gaze, and her smile reaches her eyes. Victoria notices she is Billy's daughter the most when she smiles like that.
"Okay. Can we go to Florence after Milan Fashion Week too? Mom said we could go."
Yes, Victoria thinks with an amused smile and chuckles, she is most definitely Chloe's daughter.
"Sure," Victoria replies with, and kisses Delia's hair. "Milan Fashion Week would be fun."
"And I'm done!" the seven year declares with a proud smile, and a freshly placed top layer of cheese. "Lasagna is now done!"
Victoria places her hands on her hips and surveys the pan. "That is some great layering you did there. Thanks for helping, Dee Dee," and then adds in Italian, "Grazie."
Delia pauses, trying to find the right Italian response. Her face lights up when she does, "Prego!"
"Perfect Italian! You'll be ready for Milan and Florence in no time, Delia."
Victoria places the pan in the pre-heated oven. Dinner should be ready in thirty minutes.
.
Victoria makes a realization that Hell is not a literal place that has the hottest flames and has monsters and demons. No, Hell is not a geographical thing. It is a state of mind, a mix of dark emotions and even darker thoughts.
She wants to find the driver. Victoria wants to find the driver and make him pay. It is the only time where Victoria wants to use every powerful Newman resource to find this murderer. Billy is right. That is what this person is, a murderer. Victoria entertains dark thoughts of medieval torture when she cannot cry anymore. She's angry. She's enraged. Victoria would love nothing more than to bring this hit and driver to Billy like a trophy because it will make her feel not so powerless. Deep down, it will give her a sick sense of satisfaction when Billy makes the driver pay. It's a moment of dark insanity Victoria lets trickle in.
Billy is angered to a scary degree of numbness. Chloe is understandably lost and angry there is no tangible driver to name as the reason this funeral is even happening. Kevin just wants to hack and dig his way to the truth.
But her emotions are messy. The best way Victoria can label it is a nagging need for vengeance combined with a desperate hope that Billy will not fall too deeply into the abyss of his own internal darkness and a hope of some kind of normalcy for a little boy that does not understand. All of this feelings rage within her and are kept at bay by a dam of rationale and sanity.
The sadness, the despair – it feels like it's everywhere. Delia wasn't her child and yet she was part of her family. The grief feels like a concrete weight, something branded into Victoria's skin and a permanent crack added to her already broken heart because Delia is gone. She will say goodbye to this bright little girl that is her stepdaughter when she is buried in the Abbott family plot.
Victoria is driving into a place that is sacred but full of shattered kindred spirits.
This funeral is unnatural, and wrong.
She's right: this funeral is hell, and dressed in black, they all look like shadows – emotionally free-falling, dark and hollow.
.
While the lasagna cooks, Johnny wakes up and Victoria shows Delia a red velvet medium-sized box.
"Johnny and I have a surprise for you," Victoria says, while Johnny is fascinated and amused by the softness of the box and Delia wants to know what's inside. Delia's eyes widen in anticipation and her grin takes her whole face.
"Really? What is it?"
"Well, since your play is tomorrow, Johnny and I picked this out for you. It will bring you good luck," Victoria explains and turns her attention to the toddler in her lap. "Because you helped Mama picked out your sister's surprise. Yep, you did," and presses a kiss to his cheek.
"Yep!" Johnny repeats.
Victoria hands her the box, "Open it."
"Okay," Delia accepts the box, and pulls open the top. Inside, there is a silver link bracelet with a medium silver star charm that is framed by little diamonds that sparkle and catch light. "OMG! It's so pretty! Can I wear it? Please?"
"Absolutely," Victoria puts the charm bracelet on Delia's wrist, while Johnny is placed on his feet, amused by the velvet texture of the box and the need to colour. His crayons and previous creations are on the table with the green dinosaur Delia gives him as a birthday present. "There. And it fits you perfectly."
Delia admires the new jewelry on her wrist, "I'll take care of it forever. Promise," the little girl says, and throws her arms around Victoria in a grateful hug. "Thank you, Victoria."
"You are more than welcome, Dee Dee."
The hug is interrupted because Billy finally arrives home. Watching Johnny toddle over to his daddy, and Delia running to hug him while excited to show him her new bracelet literally makes Victoria's heart warm. In that moment, she can't help but marvel at how this house is really a home.
Victoria gets the added bonus of her lasagna being absolutely perfect and not burning.
There is no such thing as perfect but this would come close.
.
After dinner and in jammies, they all watch the real Wizard of Oz starring Judy Garland.
Delia's favourite song from the whole movie is Somewhere Over the Rainbow. She falls asleep with her head in Victoria's lap somewhere between Dorothy meeting the actual Wizard of Oz and the end credits. Johnny starts to yawn in Billy's arms.
.
These little memories of Delia play like movies in her head.
It makes Victoria laugh, and it makes her cry.
Sometimes, at the same time.
.
Eve is small but Victoria remembers how beautiful she is. Appendicitis forces her daughter to be premature and at six months pregnant, doctors take this little piece of her. The doctors deliver her and this little baby girl is hooked up to machines and struggles to survive, but she is like a flower in bloom.
Victoria's little girl, her first born child, dies a few days later because of survival is not into the cards of fate, perhaps. She is like a cloud, like a breath that lifts her heart only to shatter it into many tiny pieces.
There are two miscarriages afterwards, two of her children that never see the light of day, the daughter in Lucy she has but is never hers. Then there are her sons, Johnny and Reed – one son fights to exist, and the other fights to be hers.
.
Reed holds her hand as they meet Chloe and Kevin at the church door.
She clutches Delia's stuffed Pinkerton Pony.
Victoria looks at Chloe and all she can think of and do is flashback to her Eve.
She is convinced that on some level, Delia is literal magic. She's a bubble of giggles and joy, but Victoria is pretty sure this special stepdaughter of hers is magic. Because of her, Connor – who happens to be her infant nephew, in some of kind of irony – can see and he will get to see the world through her beautiful eyes.
Mother to mother, Victoria and Chloe look at each other and are transported that dark time where Billy is but a shadow, her house is emptier and Delia's life is in the balance. Victoria and Chloe are never friends until Billy becomes their common link, but they bond on a deeper level watching Delia fight leukemia and win. That is why this hurts so much.
Victoria reaches out, touches Chloe's arm and Chloe cracks a shadow of a smile and nods. There are tears in her eyes, and Victoria understands.
"Hey, Reed," Kevin greets, as brightly as he can. "When did you get in?"
Victoria answers, stroking her son's hair lightly. "Last night."
"Cool," Kevin replies, and glances at Victoria. "Billy?"
Victoria understands that subtext, emotions that simmer underneath the pleasantries. "He just wanted a moment, you know."
"Yeah," Kevin trails off. "I get it."
Chloe smiles at Reed, and sniffles, "Look at you, Reed! You're so handsome and big."
Victoria knows Reed is having a hard time understanding how his friend and stepsister is gone forever and not coming. He goes to Chloe, wraps his little arms around her waist and tearfully says, "I'm really going to miss Delia."
Chloe's eyes shine with unshed tears, as she hugs him back. "Me too, Reed. Me too."
At this moment, Victoria recites her mantra. She recites it in her heart until her head understands and obeys. She will not unravel. She will not break.
No, Victoria. You will not fall apart – not today.
.
Reed is with her parents because it will do him some good – and them to see their grandson. He goes off with them, and promises to sit with her when the service starts. Her mother is going through some weird phase, according to her dad and Nick, where Nikki spends hours looking at family albums – pictures of when her and Nick are children.
Victoria gets to the church and it is the church where Billy and Victoria are married again, nearly two Christmases ago. She allows her blue eyes to travel down the aisle as she stands just short of the mahogany wooden double doors. All she can see is Delia walking up that aisle with Chloe, dropping flower petal with every step. In her imagination, Delia is happy. She is joyful and smiling, talking and excited for Halloween with her daddy and her stepbrother.
Instead, Victoria lands at the end of the aisle and there is a white casket rimmed with touches of pink and silver. On top sit bright purple and pink flowers and that blown up picture of Delia haunts her. Something like hot rage coils in the deepest part of Victoria's stomach because it should haunt this hit and run driver more. God, this is wrong. Victoria is quiet when Chloe rages at Billy at their house, and tears at her. She understands because she wants to scream, too. Victoria wants to scream. Maybe if she does it loud enough, Delia will hop out of that casket and everyone can go home as if the last few days doesn't happen.
Like a reflex, Victoria wraps her arms around herself – both to emotionally guard herself and to protect herself from the chill all over this holy place.
A hand is placed on her shoulder, and Victoria almost jumps startled, but not really.
It's a really bad flinch instead like she has been burned.
"Sorry, Nick. God, why am I apologizing?" Victoria composes herself, and tucks a lock of her head behind her hair. She raises her gaze to meet her brother's eyes. "Hi."
Nick surveys her with a covert kind of concern. "Reed's home. Just saw him with Mom and Dad. We talked baseball a little bit."
"That's good," Victoria plasters a smile, but her cheeks hurt.
"Vick, you okay?"
Yes, her mind answers. Yes. She is okay. Victoria's fine. She has to be.
Nick's ability to read her and see through her emotional walls is a blessing and a curse. Her brother is her best friend, her confidante, the one person other than Billy she can trust with her very life. Boarding schools in different countries separate them but they make a pact to be there for each other, no matter what. There are times through the years when that pact is frayed – frayed enough to send her to Italy and find a safe haven in Florence away from the weight of the corporate drama and the Newman name. But that pact is shiny, strong and constant now.
"Nick, I'm fine. Don't worry about it. I'm – " Victoria pauses, and dear God, this is hard. Tears blur her vision, and a lump that goes and comes, develops in her throat. She shakes her head, chuckling bitterly almost. "I swear, I think we're just a naturally vengeful family."
"Well, leave it to us to have Victor Newman as a father – who happens to make revenge an art form."
"It's a Newman thing, Nick, because I want it. Revenge." And it's the most honest thing Victoria says so far today. The last honest thing she says today is to Billy: simply that she loves him. Her voice breaks. "I want it. I crave it, Nick – as bad as Billy wants it, but then I think that I have to be sane. I have to be sane for my husband. I have to be rational for Johnny. I have to be logical. But revenge, I want it just like Billy and Chloe do – just as strongly. I want the driver that made all of this happen to pay dearly. I want it for Billy and Chloe. I want it for Kevin. I want it for Esther, Jill, Jack, the Abbotts…" her voice breaks, and Victoria wills it to stay strong, but the tears flow anyway. "This is so wrong. She's only seven, Nick," Victoria sobs, "She told me she loved me. I was teaching her Italian. She was helping me – we made lasagna for dinner," Nick pulls her into his arms, and she lets him. "I gave her a charm bracelet as a gift for her play. The last thing she told me I love you in Italian… I was so proud and touched. I said it back… This funeral is so wrong…Everything is so wrong. I can't…"
Victoria can't finish the last word of her sentence because she goes against her mantra and cries on Nick's shoulder. Somewhere in that whole tirade, her head trying to force the rest of her to stay composed, fails, because her heart hurts even more.
Delia will never see her eighth birthday but her niece, Cassie, never gets to celebrate her fifteenth.
So, there's that.
.
Victoria opines, quietly when she sort of composes herself. "Cassie's death must be weighing heavily on you, and here I go crying on you. I'm so sorry, Nick."
"You're my sister. You're allowed to cry on me. Cry on me whenever you feel the need to," her brother replies, and touches her shoulder. "Revenge is a powerful emotion. I went all the way to California because I thought I could get it. Grief is also powerful. It leaves a gaping wound on your heart in the beginning," Nick smiles, wryly but Victoria knows that her brother and Sharon are forever changed by Cassie's death. "Years go by, and that wound closes and scabs over, you know. Sometimes, you pick at it because you want to feel it – the ache, the pain."
"Do you pick at it, Nick? The scab Cassie's death left on you?"
Something like sadness settles in Nick's eyes. "It depends. On the anniversary, Vick, to be honest, I rip it off and I bleed. Sharon and I both do when we go back to that moment of Cassie taking her last breaths. I told Billy this: you don't heal when you lose a child. You just adjust. Billy's gonna wake up one and realize he didn't totally fall apart and doesn't hate the world, or himself, as much," Nick then pauses, and gazes at her. "Take care of yourself, and Johnny. Continue taking care of Billy."
Victoria quietly sniffles and hugs her brother again. "I love you, Nick."
"Love you, too."
.
Victoria admits that she picks at the corners of the gaping wound on her heart.
In her own solitude and silence when she is awake and sleep eludes her, she picks at it.
Then she deeply breathes in deeply, ache still strong and painful beyond description, and continues helping Billy because his heart has no wound. It is completely ripped from his chest, slow beating and a bloody, mangled mess on that dark road where Delia has her last moments.
.
Sometimes, Billy needles her and she flinches. Sometimes, he is numb and it is as if trying to break through an emotional Fort Knox.
But then her husband is in pieces and shattered.
Here's the moment Victoria shatters a little with him, and it feels like she is allowed: when Victoria walks in to find Billy crying on the floor on Delia's room. It brings Victoria back to that first dark night partly because it plays over and over in her head.
Victoria gets on the floor and holds him.
.
Victoria has her emotional moment. Now, she will greet her in-laws and drown in the grief with them.
After all, she can't renege on her vow to stand with Billy through happy times and sad times. It's her duty as his wife because she wants to fix his heart. There is no grief timetable, no right or wrong way to mourn, but Victoria knows Billy is injured – lost, numb and a piece of him is still on that dark highway, begging Delia to come back.
There are so many times Victoria has been emotionally shattered, traumatized even. Billy doesn't let her shut the world out even when that is all Victoria wants to do. He doesn't let her shut him out even when she is so angry with him, even when she refuses to meet his gaze and speak. That is because his eyes will crack the high walls and at the same time, Victoria doesn't want to say something that cannot be taken back. Even through her haze of anger, Victoria loves Billy.
Now, Billy is the injured bird that cannot fly anymore because it is so bruised and broken.
Victoria vows she will be the other bird – the one that stays until Billy is healed enough.
.
Kevin is a good guy, Victoria thinks as they find themselves side by side, staring at the casket.
They are here, and at the same time, Billy and Chloe are outside, collapsing under the sadness and pain of losing their daughter. Probably. In any case, they need that. As painful as it is, Victoria is glad Billy and Chloe are having that release.
"I hate this," Kevin says, breaking the silence between them. "I keep hoping I'm about to wake up."
Victoria crosses her arms like her own shield again and offers what she hopes is an encouraging, hopeful smile in Kevin's direction. "Me, too, Kevin," her voice drops. "Me, too."
The step-parents. That is what she and Kevin are. Delia's stepmother and stepfather.
"She was the best kid. I would give anything for another tea party with her."
Victoria chuckles as she locks gazes with Kevin. "I would give anything to have her cook with me again or try to beat me when we twirl hula hoops in the backyard. If I could, I'd bring her back."
He sighs, sticking his hands in his pockets, "But you can't, Victoria. None of us can," and there is that familiar undertone of anger in his voice that everyone blown apart by the tragedy almost feels infected by. "And we're left with a lot of questions and answers I can't even attempt to find because I'm too close to the case. Even child killers have rights, apparently," Kevin pauses, mid-rant. "I'm… I'm gonna get some air and wait for Chloe. Take care, Victoria."
She nods, "You, too."
Victoria watches him walk down the aisle as people file into their seats. It's not just her in this sanctuary, but it feels that way.
Here is the wonderful thing about love: it does not know titles. It's strangely pure like that.
.
"Hey, Dee Dee. I will miss you for the rest of my life. I'm so honoured to be your stepmother," Victoria whispers, and tries to steady her voice. She is grateful that Chloe lets Delia keep that star charm bracelet Victoria is sure she is showing off in heaven right now. Delia's happy chatter is the background noise in their house. "Take care of that bracelet for me. I promise. I don't know how yet but I will take care of your daddy. I will never let Johnny forget his amazing big sister," Victoria presses her finger tips to her lips in a kiss and touches them to the smooth surface of the casket. A tear escapes and traces a clear path down her cheek. "I love you."
.
Reed's hand finds hers as they file to their seat. Nikki brings him by and hugs her with an unspoken kiss on the cheek before she goes. Billy shows up and sits next to her, looking as if he will burst any second. Her son rests under her arm. She absentmindedly runs her hand through his hair softly as the minister's words drone and bleed together. Victoria is too emotionally raw to be attentive. It's still very hard and even harder for Reed to understand why his friend is gone. He's her son in the fact that he senses other people's pain and doesn't focus on his own. It's hard for all of them to be honest.
Somewhere between the minister's speech and Chloe reading Delia's poem, Billy's hand finds Victoria's.
His hand trembles the entire time, but Victoria holds on it and lightly squeezes to say, I love you. I'm right here.
.
John Lennon's Imagine softly plays at the end of the service.
("She knew all the words to this song, Vick. Sang it like a pro.")
Delia loves Lady Gaga and Britney Spears because of Chloe. She loves Foster the People and a lot of the indie music stuff because of Kevin. Delia grows to love singers like Janis Joplin, Elton John and Billy Joel because of her, and Billy is the one that introduces her to Elvis Presley & the Beatles. It is just one of the things Billy and Delia share as father and daughter.
Victoria will miss that. She will miss that more than words can say.
.
Reed asks her if he can go to the Ranch with Grandma and Grandpa because he wants to see Delia's white pony-turned-horse, named Pinkerton Pony.
"Okay. Sure. I love you. I love you so much."
Reed smiles, "I love you, too."
She agrees and maybe, she will sit with Billy a little.
He doesn't have to talk and Victoria will let him vent all the same.
.
When Victoria steps outside the church to find Billy, she takes her blue eyes heavenward and sees something of the bow of a rainbow even though it doesn't rain.
.
"Being free means I love you forever." – Cordelia Abbott
A/N: I'm done. Feedback is appreciated. This was a hell of emotional time writing this. And as I type this end note, I am emotionally drained. Hopefully, I got Victoria's characterization right because I find that she is one of the hardest characters to pin down on paper. But I enjoyed the writing challenge and hopefully, my efforts paid off. I'm currently in an ice storm here and the weather actually pushed me to sit down and finish it. This was spawned from a couple of annoyances, and grew into something therapeutic.
I could tell you what inspired this, but it's pretty simple.
Amelia Heinle herself inspired this. As I said, she is the unsung hero of this storyline.
I'm going to make pancakes because frankly, I crave them.
Feedback is always appreciated xo.
-Erika