Rated PG for some violence and gender confusion.

Summerschool at Hogwarts

"Giddyap! Giddyap!" Ron rode his noble steed, which was actually a tiger, down the hall and into the Griffindor common room.

He was wearing, surprisingly, a pair of white tights and a red dress that came down to his knees. They were hand-me-downs from his little sister, Ginny. They had gotten much too big for her and now they were Ron's.

Probably more absurd than his attire was the fact that it was June, not even during the school year! Ron was taking summerschool because he had failed Defense Against the Dark Arts the previous year, his first year at Hogwarts.

The summerschool program had just started that year: there were only three students. One was a fat girl with a bowtie who looked rather like a teddy bear, named Baba. And there was Ron.

The other was a girl with a messy blond braid, wearing a plaid dress. She grinned evilly, and stuck her foot out.

The tiger and Ron went sprawling when the big cat tripped.

"What did you do that for?" Ron asked, picking himself up. "You tripped us!"

"Prove it!" snapped the girl. Her name was actually Mandy, but Ron tended to call her Nanny.

"Your foot is sticking out!"

Nanny quickly pulled it back. "Now prove it!"

Ron held up his digital camera with a picture of Nanny tripping Tiger. "I'm gonna post it all over the internet!"

He ran up to the boy's dormitory, which he had to himself, and where his laptop was.

Griffindor: 0 Slytherin: 0

It was the first class of summerschool, Defense Against the Dark Arts. Sure enough, there was a new teacher.

"Hello, class," said the attractive young woman. She had a short pixie and a very, very deep voice. "I'm Professor Vodomote. I am a woman, not a man. I am not evil."

"She's the new head teacher of Slytherin," Nanny said in awe. She was also in Slytherin, and aspiring to be evil.

"Yes I am!" Vodomote said gleefully. "Snape is here, but he's still in bed. He might be sick."

There was something familiar about this new teacher, Ron realized. The man's voice, and the name…. But he couldn't put his finger on it. He hugged his tiger for comfort.

"Today, class, we will be learning about Killer Tigers."

"She's not killer!" Ron yelled, outraged. "She's tame!"

"Where did you find her?"

"Uh… in the dungeon. I… uh… wasn't supposed to be there, right?"

"Right. Fifty billion points taken away from Griffindor."

"What?" Ron yelled, but Vodomote had already moved on.

"What would you do if a vampire asked to be your friend, and you didn't want to, so it was trying to bite you?" he asked.

Nanny raised her hand. "I'd pour gravy on him."

"Excellent! Fifty billion points for Slytherin!"

Ron said, "I'd want to be his friend."

"Yeah right. Fifty billion points from Griffindor."

"Professor Vodomote?" asked Ron. "I have these two little voices in my head. One of them sounds like Harry Potter and the other like Dumbledore. They're both saying you're actually Voldemort."

Vodomote gave a strained smile, and a nervous laugh. "Don't pay any attention to them! They're nitwits!"

"Why isn't Dumbledore here?" Nanny asked innocently.

"He's in Boca with his good friend, Yoda. Class dismissed!"

Griffindor: -100,000,000,000 Slytherin: 50,000,000,000

It was dinnertime in the Great Hall, which wasn't looking so Great with only five humans and two large animals in the entire expanse of hugeness.

The other human was Professor Baby, who was, in fact, a baby. Snape was still in bed.

"Here is your dinner," Vodomote said, giving Ron a plate. "It is old bread and moldy cheese, with rainwater to drink."

"Hey!" said Ron. "You said I was getting moldy bread with old cheese!"

"Same thing," said Vodomote, beaming down at Nanny, who was eating a T-bone steak.

Ron's tiger was dining with the Griffindor lion, who was made of red plastic.

"All right, kiddies," said Baby. "Us professors are going to the prom. Try to amuse yourselves in the Griffindor common room."

Vodomote was wearing a large, puffy, pink prom dress, Ron realized. Which was odd, because he had always thought of her as a "he."

"Aww, look how good Ron is taking care of his pet," said Baby. Ron was playing with Tiger- using a catnip mouse about ten feet wide. "Five points for Griffindor!"

Right. Like five points are going to help.

Griffindor: -99,999,999,995 Slytherin: 50,000,000,000

Nanny and Ron sat on the common room floor. Baba was sitting on all the couches and chairs simultaneously.

"Oh, I wish Voldemort would come back!" Nanny cried. "I so want his autograph!"

"Just ask for Vodomote's," Ron replied.

"Okay. I will."

Griffindor: -149,999,999,995 Slytherin: 150,000,000,000

It was the middle of the night when an unidentified figure crept into Ron's dormitory. Ron was in bed, snuggling with his tiger—Suddenly, Tiger snatched Ron out of his bed, jolting him awake.

Vodomote was laying half in and half out of Ron's bed, apparently asleep.

"Thanks, Tiger! You saved my life!" Ron pushed the professor off and lay down again. Tiger stood watch.

Vodomote tried to attack again, but Tiger caught him up by his cute pixie.

"Ronald!" he yelled. "Put me down!"

Ron woke again. "Vodomote, why were you trying to kill me?"

"I wasn't! I was just sleepwalking!"

"Yeah, right."

"Ronald, I may add that I could do the same thing to you as I did to Snape. Yes, I put a spell on him to stay in his bed! The snoopy, wiggly—"

Nanny burst in, disturbed by the noise. "Professor, can I have your autograph?"

"Uh…okay." Nanny gave him paper and a marker. Voldemort.

He looked down, realizing he had written his real name. "Uh… the L and the R are silent, of course."

"Of course," said Nanny, going back to her dormitory.

"Mr. Weasley, You have a detention with me tomorrow," Voldemort yelled. "A lunch detention!"

Griffindor: -458,095,384,954,596 Slytherin: 2.5 x 1090

Ron spun around as fast as he could, in the Hogwarts Gymnasium. He was in his spinning class. Nanny was nearby, on the uneven bars.

"I'm the best spinner at Hogwarts," Ron bragged. "Harry's only in second."

"So?" Nanny said. My mum's rich. Yours isn't. Mine gave me fifty billion dollars."

"Why do things always come in fifty billions?" Ron asked.

Griffindor: 1.7 x 10-50 Slytherin: 9.8 x 10180

"Hey Ronald! Over here!" Voldemort yelled from the center of the Great Hall.

Ron was wearing his black school robes, the hood pulled over his head. He had an evil glimmer in his eye and his faithful tiger by his side.

When he got to Voldemort, he pulled back his teeth and smiled. His two canine teeth were sharper than usual—I wonder why?

"I'm a vampire," he said menacingly. "Want to be my friend?"

"No! Get away from me!" Voldemort yelled.

Ron jumped up and bit Voldemort's neck, knocking him limply to the ground.

"Come on, Tiger," he said. "Let's get the others and go home."

He rode his tiger into the sunset, the defeater of Voldemort.

Griffindor: WON Slytherin: LOST

Sometime in July, Snape got out of bed. The castle was empty and silent. "Hello? Hello? Where is everybody?"

The End :)

Author's Note: This supposedly takes place after Ron's first year... which doesn't make any sense, does it? Oh well. Just ignore those sorts of things, it's not serious.