Sidetracked

by EscagirlUK

Disclaimer: So not mine. The ending would be so different if it were. And I'd be an old dead guy.

Fill for: hobbit-kink. livejournal ? thread= 4993602# t4993602 (remove the spaces)

There is a little-known fact about Thorin Oakenshield, dispossessed King of Erebor. Thorin has the most terrible, awful, vile, catastrophic, wretched, rotten, lousy, appalling, miserable, and just plain bad, sense of direction. He is, in two words, Directionally Challenged.

So, really, they had no-one but themselves to blame for what happened, when they let Thorin lead the way.

They wandered through caves.

"Hi ho hi ho,

To Erebor we go,

To avenge our fallen kin,

And slay our dragon foe,

Hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho.

"Hi ho hi ho,

It's off to home we go,

To save the mines,

From sad decline,

Hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho," the dwarves sang, Bilbo watching in consternation.

"Stop that infernal racket!" Thorin roared, massaging the bridge of his nose. "I have such a headache."

Meandered through forests.

"The trees are making strange sounds, Uncle!" Kili was clinging tightly to his brother Fili, glancing around the forest with trepidation.

"Nonsense, this is Mirkwood, Kili - not Fangorn!" Thorin snapped.

"But Uncle!" Kili complained.

Crossed pasture-lands filled with men and horses.

"Are you sure this is the right way, Thorin?" Balin asked. "Only I don't rightly remember there being this much pasture between Mirkwood and Erebor."

"It's a short-cut!" Thorin scowled. "I know exactly where we are."

Up a dark, foreboding mountain.

"...It doesn't look like Erebor," Balin muttered loudly.

"It is awful... burnt," agreed Gloin, pulling a sword from an orc, before swinging at another of the dark creatures.

"And absolutely crawling with orcs!" Fili added, as he passed by fighting off a goblin.

The land was desolate, smoke rising from the charred land, ominous rumbles coming from the mountain, and surrounded by hoards of orcs and goblins.

"Of course the land is burnt, there's a fucking dragon in the mountain!" Thorin snarled furiously, whilst pulling a struggling Bilbo from the grips of a leering goblin.

And, finally, through a short cave system into the mountain.

"Well. Fuck." Thorin stared down at the burning magma bellow the company. "I don't remember there being lava in Erebor."

"That's because this isn't Erebor!" Balin yelled. "I told you we were going the wrong way, why can't you ever listen?!"

"I can't believe you got us lost!" shouted Bifur.

"Mother is going to kill you, Uncle!" Fili and Kili stated, appalled.

Thorin scowled and threw himself at his nephews. Bilbo squeaked with shock, ducking out the way. His eyed widened in terror as he saw the full out brawl happening before him.

Bilbo pulled the magic ring he had won from the creature Gollum out from his pocket, intent on putting it on and hiding until the fight was done. In his haste, he did not take a good hold of it, and it dropped.

The ring bounced upon the rocky floor, and rolled - straight over the edge of the rocky outcrop upon which the company were brawling. It fell, spinning madly, and landed with a soft plop onto the burning red-hot magma below.

The mountain stilled, and with it the dwarves; who sensed that something was very much not right.

"Run," Dwalin said, eyes wide. "The mountain, she's GOING TO BLOW!"

The company ran as fast as they could, stumbling as the mountain began to shake.

There was a high hair-raising scream of rage and pain, and then, the mountain exploded. The dwarves - and hobbit - quickly scrambled up a tall outcropping of rock, pulling up those who could not reach.

Only just in time did they heave Bombur up onto the rock. Lava crashed against the base of the rocky spire and swirled around and past them.

"So... Um... I may have gotten us lost," Thorin finally admitted.

Some hundred-odd miles away, Gandalf stared in bemusement as the necromancer screamed and vanished, as Dol Guldur slowly shook itself to shattered pieces.

"What have those blasted dwarves been doing?" he muttered to himself.