My Confession

"Hey Sar, do you have a minute?"

He ran out the DNA lab, following her down the corridoor. "Sure what's up?"

She said looking up from her case file. "Would you like to have lunch with me? There's something I need to tell you."

She hesitated a little confused. "Uh, sure."

She walked into Grissom's office and he continued down looking for Catherine.

Later he walked into the lockeroom hoping to find Sara, which he did. "Hey, you ready?" She looked up from her locker, looking somewhat unsure. "Are you ok?" She nodded and closed her locker before following him out into the corridoor.

The truth was she wasn't ok, she didn't want to be out with him. His presence always seemed to make her sad, he reminded her that people you love won't be around forever and bad things can happen. Sure her parents and brother was taken from her but she never really cared for them in the same way she did the people around her today. When Nick was buried alive she felt lost, like someone was out to get her and she didn't know what to do so she did what she always did in a bad situation and worked her ass off. How was she supposed to care, to miss him, and still focus on finding him? When he appeared on that screen she wanted to loose it, she wanted to get angry but she couldn't. She felt empty, cold and lost. Knowing that she could never see him again, that she couldn't tell him how she felt was like being suffocated, the words she so dearly wanted to speak stuck unable to get out. She knew it wasn't his fault but she couldn't help but be angry at him for making her sad, for leaving her and for getting himself in trouble. When Warrick told her about his little stunt with the gun, she wanted to kill herself and to kill him. Did he know what he was doing to her? To everyone. The first night he was missing she was pretty sure she wasn't to only one who didn't sleep, who didn't eat or didn't thing about the what ifs. She sat at a bar drinking into oblivion, she even thought she would start smoking just for the fun of it. After she stumbled out the taxi and into her house, she fell on some glass and it was sticking out her wrist. She was about to call an ambulence or pull it out when she felt the pain from her broken heart subside and her wrist throb. She stared at her wrist for a few moments before smiling, which turned into a silly laugh. She walked into the kitchen and winced as she pulled out the broken glass then threw it into the trash. She picked up a knife and dug a deep line under her previous cut, she sobbed at how good this felt. Her pain seeming to seep out her as her blood did, she felt it treakle down her arm and drop onto to floor. Her tears joined it, blood mixing into her tears, all she wanted to do was drown herself in his blood because she couldn't live with this feeling and he would know what he did when he left.

She bandaged her arm up before falling onto her bed and falling into a deep sleep probably from exaustion. When she came in the next day, everyone questioned her about it but she adverted eye contact and told them a bunch of lies, not willing to let them in. She didn't want their help, their reassuring words, she just wanted to see Nick walk through those doors and everything be like it was before but that was never going to happen. She realised that when she saw Nick's parents sat in breakroom, he looked just like them. They wanted their son back as did she, when she spoke to them they hugged her and whispered in her ear that Nick really cared about her. After everyone had left the breakroom to continue their work on finding Nick, she sat at the breakroom table holding her head in her hands. What she completely forgot was that Nick's parents were still in the room until his mother placed a hand on her shoulder. "You will find him but you won't find the Nick you want to find." She looked up confused and startled. "I can see it in your eyes, you care about him a lot but you don't want to loose the person you've built up for so long nor do you want to get close to him. I can see the anger in you eyes when anyone mentions him, you want to find him but your mad and I understand but you need to get over yourself and start worrying about him." Sara broke down in tears. "I want to find him so bad so that everything can go back to being the same and so everyone can be happy again but at the same time I want him to stay there so he knows what he's doing to us and because he left!" She splurted out through the tears. She felt her arm wrap around her, she stiffened under the touch and jumped up from her chair, wiping away her tears. "Im sorry, I have to go." She told them lamely and ran out the room and out the building where she kept running. She came to a small park and took a seat on small bench. She knew she had no right to be angry but she couldn't help but feel it, she knew he was going through hell and needed no wanted to be found more than anything. It wasn't his fault that he was kidnapped, it could've been Warrick or anyone for that matter. All that mattered was finding him and making sure he was OK and until then her anger needed to be buried deep in herself. She ran back to the lab, ignoring everyone and getting to work on eveything they had.

After they found him and got him to the hospital, she went home and carried on like normal.

But she couldn't find the words to tell him, that since he came back to work she felt like he didn't know him. His hair got longer, he got more serious and he wasn't the same Nick anymore. She knew he was bound to change but he shouldn't this much, should he? He tried to connect with her and spend more time with her, hoping that like eveyone else she would cling onto him and never let him out her sight but she didn't. She hardly spoke or came near him unless it had something to do with work. At first he hoped and assumed it was her way of dealing with all this until it seemed to go on for a while and he knew he had to face the music and tell her how he felt.

So it was now or never, then maybe he'll understand.