A/N: I was going to wait to publish this a little later, but was persuaded to publish it now. So here's to you, Roadleader!
A muffled groan escaped her as Kidman slowly woke up to the throbbing pain of her head.
She figured by now she would've been used to it; she had been waking up to headaches and migraines for the past few days now. Ever since the hospital discharged her, it felt as though her head was on some kind timer- one that went off at the same hour every morning. It wasn't the most ideal thing to wake up to, but she had to keep telling herself that it was better than being dead.
Barely though.
Pulling herself out from underneath the heavy comforter, Kidman reluctantly forced herself to her feet and winced at the quick pain that settled into her wounded joints. It was mostly concentrated in her knees and hips; and the pain bounced from one to the other as she shuffled her way across the small bedroom and into the attached bathroom. Her body was still trying to adjust to its weak state, and her legs were unaccustomed still to carrying her weight around again.
Just another hassle of being alive.
Stumbling into the bathroom, she rubbed the back of her hand across her eyes and yawned, before she reluctantly looked into the hanging mirror in front of her.
...
Despite four days in the hospital, and three outside of it, she still looked like utter shit.
The swelling of her left eye had gone down considerably- at least enough for her to keep it open without being bombarded with pain. Her cheekbone wasn't as severely broken as it could've been- or as badly as she thought it was; she didn't need surgery on it, and the doctor assured her that it would heal on its own. It was still odd to look at though, and she tried to use her limp bangs to cover it.
She had hairline fractures all over her body it seemed- although, luckily, no severe breaks.
The reporting officers and the around-the-clock nurses had expressed their suspicions and concerns about some of her injuries- namely the bruises around her neck and the broken blood vessels under her eyes. There was little that could be done for the minor injuries though, and it wasn't like she had any serious side-effects from the attempted asphyxiation.
And it wasn't like blame could be pinned on someone else...
She, Sebastian and Joseph all had the same bruised patterns.
The skin was still sensitive to the touch, and didn't appear to be fading in the slightest. She wouldn't be surprised if it just... never left; if it remained as some kind of phantom bruise that would never heal.
Sighing, Kidman turned on the sink and cupped the running water in her hands before she lightly splashed herself with it- trying to get rid of the last bit of sleep that still blurred the corners of her vision. Drying herself off with a nearby hand towel, she grabbed the small bag that had been stuffed behind the faucet and shuffled her way through the multitude of pill bottles inside.
...
Christ though, she had medicine and painkillers for months.
After the shit storm that happened at Beacon... she wasn't really surprised to find herself looking at medication bottles. No one really knew what had happened at Beacon- not only to just them, but to everyone inside of it. There was no trace of anyone having committed the murders- no evidence on any of the victims or in any of the rooms. The police were still searching and scoping through the entire asylum, but... there was nothing for them to find.
The place had already been picked over.
...
The responding SWAT team found their cruiser wrecked out front- and then found the three of them inside, barely awake and pulling themselves out of the experimentation tubs. They were all delusional and incoherent; their bodies bloodied and broken from their squad car crashing into the fountain in front of Beacon.
They had gone a little over half an hour without treatment, and open wounds had turned the water in the tubs red with blood.
Nothing really made sense to those who weren't intentionally involved.
The out of town Detectives who were called in hypothesized that someone must've been lying in wait for them- anticipating their arrival at Beacon. And that someone, or more accurately the group involved with this mess, had ambushed them on arrival; and, in panic, had forced their car into the front fountain- subsequently knocking all of them out at once.
The real motive behind all of this was unknown, but the assailant then dragged them into the basement of Beacon and left them there- hooked up to some kind dismantled and gutted machine.
It was all bullshit and she knew it, but... she let them play their games with it.
After all, these new Detectives had apparently found evidence to support their theories- which were the only thing they could be called at the moment. Between her, Sebastian and Joseph, none of them remembered anything from the crash. Or at least, nothing that they were going to give away that would have them deemed mentally unstable.
...
Connolly lost control of the car when Jimenez activated the wireless STEM command.
To the three of them, they simply arrived at Beacon, got out of the squad car, and started their investigation.
In reality, they lost consciousness the moment STEM went online, and had to be dragged inside by the on-site Mobius workers.
But... it's not like anyone else would know that.
Sighing once again, Kidman took the medication she needed and tried not to think of how badly things had turned out for all of them. In the back of her head, she could practically hear herself screaming and telling herself to get out while she still could- at least before everyone found it.
Because everyone would eventually find out, right? Nothing remained secret forever...
She needed to get out of here and far away before the news hunted her down... before these new Detectives crucified her for her involvement.
But... it just wasn't that easy.
Sure, she could pack up her things, walk out the door and never be heard from again- that was the easy way to go. Mobius could make someone like her disappear, and she knew that soon enough they would ask her to. They would ask her to pick up her things, and rejoin them; after all, despite the mess, she had completed her assignment. She came through with flying colors for all they knew.
They got what they wanted- all thanks to her.
Mobius couldn't risk letting her go.
But they left her behind for now to... ease the story. It would be too messy for the KCPD to deal with a missing Detective on top of already losing thirteen officers to the Beacon massacre. They didn't want people to panic and go looking for her; the news coverage alone would be an annoyance for them.
So... she stayed.
And in a few months' time, Mobius would call her to come back; and she would.
She'd make up some kind of bullshit story that she couldn't deal with the stress of what had happened, and resign- stating that it would be for her own good. And then she would 'move away' and simply never be heard from again. It would be... the right thing to do in this kind of situation; it would provide closure in a sense for all of those involved, and no one would go looking for her. No one would miss her.
...
It would be easier for her to run.
But Sebastian and Joseph... they still needed her- or at least she told herself that they did.
... Maybe it was her who needed them...
Running her fingers through her messy hair, Kidman somewhat brushed it back into place before she tugged on the loose-fitted shirt she had slept in. It was a poor job of making herself seem more presentable, but... it was still useless. It wasn't like anyone would see her- at least, no one important. And why the fuck would she care anyways? She just survived a fairly harrowing experience, she deserved her off days.
Stepping back into the bedroom, she paused just long enough to look over the orderly decor of it- although she had seen it plenty of times before. And it wasn't really surprising that Joseph would keep his bedroom in such pristine condition- everything had its place, he ensured that.
... She still couldn't believe that after everything that had happened between them, he still insisted that she sleep in his room for the time being.
They were all reluctant to admit that they felt safer being around one another; they had tried to stay in their separate houses for the first few nights, but... the paranoia and night terrors got to them. Joseph offered for them to stay at his place since it was the closest to the KCPD, and the hospital, so that if something went wrong... they wouldn't have to wait long.
She had a feeling Joseph only offered because her apartment would be too small, and... he didn't want Sebastian staying alone in his house, surrounded by all those bad memories- especially not after the hurt STEM had put him through.
So... they ended up here.
She slept in the master bedroom, Sebastian stayed in the guest room, and Joseph had a temporary bed put in his office. They both objected to the initial arrangement, but Joseph insisted on it; Kidman had a feeling it was so that he could work late into the night without them knowing.
Stepping out of the master bedroom, she pulled the door closed behind her and noted that the rest of the house was quiet.
It wasn't really surprising; she doubted either of them were awake yet.
They were both on some pretty heavy medication to treat their injuries, both the real and nonexistent ones. Sebastian had a pretty nasty skull fracture that had started between his eyes and moved back over the top of his cranium- a result from hitting the dashboard as hard as he did.
Or from getting smashed with the Keeper's hammer.
Either or.
Rubbing the back of her neck, Kidman turned her attention the nearest clock on the wall, and noted that she had slept well past her usual morning hour. Hell, it was after noon already, a drastic change from her half-past seven routine.
She couldn't really blame herself though- it still felt like she didn't get enough sleep.
Walking through the short, connecting hallway, she stepped out into the living room and stopped once again. How Joseph managed to keep his house in such an orderly, clean fashion was beyond her. Some days it felt like she could barely do the upkeep on her apartment- not that she really had all that much in it to begin with. But still. This man worked full shifts, sometimes overtime, and there wasn't a single thing out of place.
Even after everything that had happened with Beacon... she could still tell that he had picked up recently.
Maybe it was just some desperate bid to bring back a sense of normalcy to his life.
After all, there were worst things he could be doing to cope.
Kidman started towards the kitchen, knowing coffee wouldn't help her headache, but still wanting it anyways. Coffee had been a pretty constant staple ever since she joined the KCPD in the first place- but now it just felt like an addiction. And it was one all three of them shared. Despite the doctors advising that they keep caffeine out of their diets for now, they typically always had a pot brewing throughout the day.
... It was like being back at the department some times, like nothing had ever changed to begin with.
She stopped halfway to the kitchen as she noticed someone sitting outside on the terrace attached to the small dining area. And while she didn't have to guess who it was... she found herself unsure if she wanted to talk to him alone just yet. Sebastian was usually present and she used him as a sort of buffer; when the Lead Detective was around, it was easy to forget... past convictions.
...
Joseph had insisted that he didn't harbor any ill feelings towards her, but... he hadn't exactly been very talkative with her either. She knew something was scratching at him, but he wasn't willing to discuss it with her just yet- which was well within his right to do.
She couldn't blame him for being angry- hell she was surprised he was being as lenient with her as he was. Most people probably would've wanted her dead, which is what she assumed would've been their reactions when they all woke up in the hospital. But... instead, she was informed by the nurses that both Sebastian and Joseph were constantly asking about her- asking if she was okay, or if anything serious had happened.
...
All of it made her sick to her stomach.
She wasn't anticipating worry, or concern, and... she sure as hell didn't know how to react to it.
Years of stunted emotional development left her still learning basic reactions and responses.
...
Still, she couldn't just stand here and pretend that none of it had happened, and that they should just go back to acting normal again. She couldn't keep trying to ignore it for her own sake- she needed to speak with him.
Giving off a silent groan, Kidman forced herself across the well-maintained living room, through the dining area and quietly stepped out into the cool breeze outside. It had been raining on and off again for the past few days, which left the usual Krimson City chill in the air. It wasn't overbearing in the least, but... it made her wish she had worn something a little thicker than her sleeping shirt and gym shorts.
She didn't try to hide the bruises and cuts that were exposed on her bare arms and legs for now; although she normally covered them up under a pair of jeans and a jacket when she went out. To her, they still needed to breathe and heal on their own.
Standing out on the small porch though, with little to no view of the neighbors, still left her feeling vulnerable.
...
She should've announced herself, at least for his sake, but she had a feeling that he already knew she was there.
So, wordlessly, she took the empty chair next to him.
Joseph sipped at his coffee, and barely even acknowledged her.
It was... odd to see him dressed so casually for once. In all the months they had worked together, on and off hours, she couldn't be certain she had ever really seen him outside of his uniform. A few times he had loosened his tie, or removed his vest, but that was usually the extent of it.
And although he was only wearing a pair of black lounge pants with a loose-fitting white shirt, which wasn't really that far off from his normal attire... it was still different. It was out of the norm for him.
Although she couldn't help but to notice that he kept his gloves on, which, while odd, didn't surprise her.
His left shoulder had been completely dislocated during the crash, and the resulting damages were bad enough to require surgery to fix. Hence why he was wearing a loose shirt, as opposed to his normally fitted ones. He had a mess of staples in place from the surgery and had been advised to avoid as much physical contact with them as he could. Even the bandages that kept his shoulder in place were kept loose to avoid irritating them.
And even from where she was sitting, she could see the thick line of stitches that covered his lower lip- they were a little more apparent than she remembered. He had smashed into the back of the passenger seat pretty hard, despite wearing a seatbelt.
Or maybe that was from the butt of an axe handle catching him hard across the face, fracturing his jaw as well.
Who knows.
"Did you sleep well?" Joseph finally asked, breaking the cold silence between them.
Even then, she had a feeling that he felt obligated to speak to her- he probably felt that it would be rude for a host to ignore one of his guests.
"No," Kidman answered. "Did you?"
"... No."
It felt impossible for their sleep cycles to ever return to normal again.
For now, it felt like they spent more time fearing sleep than anything else. Sure, she had a few prescribed sleep aids, courtesy of a worried doctor, but... she hadn't convinced herself to take them just yet. She didn't want to be locked into a subconscious state right now- especially not after Beacon, not after witnessing the horrors of what a subconscious mind could do to them.
"Feeling any better?" she asked, deciding it best to keep the small conversation going for now. It was... progress, in a loose sense, for the both of them in the long run.
Joseph didn't immediately answer, which was probably a good thing considering.
"Yeah, not by much though."
"Me either," Kidman replied, pausing for only a brief moment, before she continued, "... how's your eye?"
His glasses had gotten pretty shattered in the wreck, although not as badly as she thought they would've been. Still, a small piece of the broken lens had gotten embedded in his right eye- and it didn't help that the resulting head trauma had caused a build up of blood and pressure behind it. It was a mild case, thankfully, but the sight of the medical patch taped over his eye always made her feel like it was worse.
Like he wasn't telling her the whole story- not that he would have any reason to lie to her about it.
Joseph pushed himself to his feet, not even sparing a look at her. "Hopefully healing. My vision isn't impaired- or at least not any worse than it usually is. The doctor wasn't too worried about it; he just insisted that I keep it covered for a day or so more." He stepped around his chair and started back into the house, giving only a slight pause in the doorway. "There's fresh coffee in the kitchen if you want it."
Bingo.
"Now that's the offer I was looking forward to," Kidman mused, as she pushed herself up and followed him inside.
The pain in her joints was still there, despite her taking the proper medication to ease it away. But hell, after everything she had gone through, she could deal with it; she probably deserved it considering she had made the stupid decision to wear heels that day.
Following him into the kitchen, Kidman watched as Joseph poured himself a fresh cup, before he grabbed an extra mug from the cabinet above him- filling it as well. He turned and handed it off to her, before he leaned back against the counter; despite having been given a sling to support his shoulder, he wasn't currently wearing it. He wasn't one to disobey the doctor's orders, so she marked it up as him waiting to put it on after his morning shower.
...
But as he stood across from her, probably warming up from having sat outside for so long, she couldn't help but notice something. It was hard to deny that he could be very expressive at sometimes, whether he realized it or not; it wasn't normally spoken reactions, but... certain forms of body language. Like the subtle hint of slack in his features, which were usually held tense- depending on the situation. His mind never stopped going as far as she was concerned; he was always in some kind of thought process, some kind of continuous loop that kept him looking as though he was concentrating on something that wasn't there.
There was none of that this time.
And that told her what she needed to know.
"You haven't spoken to me much since you were discharged," Kidman started, as she leaned back against the small kitchen table behind her. "It's understandable, and maybe it's not my place to speak, but if there's something you want to say to me, then say it."
He didn't reply at first.
Hell, he barely even looked at her.
But when he set his cup onto the counter behind him, she knew he was about to start something... that this was either going to be a new beginning, or a crushing end. She tried not to let herself get her hopes up either.
"You're right, I should've been honest with you," Joseph spoke, as he briefly crossed his arms over his chest while he seemed to be thinking of where exactly to start. "I had my brain scanned when we were first admitted to the hospital- a precaution that we all had to deal with, and rightfully so. The paramedics already figured I had a concussion, so they wanted to scan first for any additional damages since I wasn't exactly in any rush to die on them. And, while they found the concussion... do you want to know what they found?"
Kidman stiffened slightly at the question, already knowing she wasn't going to like the answer.
Sure, they did all have their heads scanned- and at worst was the steep, skull fracture that Sebastian had. All she had was a hairline fracture at the base of her skull; the doctors had accounted it to her being flung forward and then rapidly snapped back during the crash. In fact, they were surprised that her skull didn't detach completely at the force. Or that she didn't suffer from an extreme case of whiplash.
"What?" she reluctantly pressed.
"They said that I was brain dead," he answered, before he reached up and removed his glasses; one hand moving to pinch the bridge of his nose. "They almost gave up on me right there, but... they didn't; the staff on hand said I was too responsive to be brain dead, so they scanned again. That time, the scan showed up normal- but just barely. It was enough for them to continue on with treatment. I woke up six hours later, and nearly scared the life out of the nurse in my room. So they scanned a third time, and... everything came out normal with that one. The staff couldn't explain it, and eventually marked it up that the technician must've done something wrong, or maybe the system just glitched- they didn't know. After that, it just never came up again."
Kidman curled her fingers in against the coffee cup in her hands, using it to try and stop them from shaking.
"You never told us that," she whispered.
"I didn't want the two of you to worry," Joseph started, as he slowly repositioned his glasses. "We had enough to deal with as it was... a seemingly misprinted brain scan only felt like an added nuisance. The reason I'm telling you this though is... is because if you die in STEM, you die in reality too, right? That's what happened to Connolly and Dr. Jimenez. And that almost happened to me."
...
He had been so close to death so many times.
Too many times to be comfortable with.
They all had been, but they just didn't know the extent of it at first. They didn't even know it was STEM to begin with, and they didn't know that if they died in it, they wouldn't just disconnect and wake up from the big machine. No. They would die in both physical and mental forms- completely detached from one another.
...
She could still see the blood shooting out of his side from the sniper on the rooftop.
Blood pooling out through his fingers and onto the bus seat- dripping fast to the floorboards below.
It was a non-fatal hit, thankfully, but... it crippled him; it gave him a new weakness that could be exploited by STEM. Even now, Kidman wasn't sure how Joseph had made it to that playground after having been separated from Sebastian. She didn't want to imagine him having to work his way past Haunted and whatever else was around him, knowing that he couldn't risk starting a fight- knowing that he wouldn't survive one.
And then there was the blood rupturing out of his shoulder- the bullet probably fucking with arteries and nerves.
He had hit the ground hard, knocking the air out of him, as one hand numbly grabbed at yet another bullet wound.
And once more, he was forced to fend for himself; he was forced to soak up the pain and continue... although even now, Kidman wasn't certain if he ever moved from the place he landed. But he had to have, right? The noise would've drawn the Haunted to them, and with her escape and Sebastian's disappearance... the Haunted would've ripped him apart.
But they didn't.
Because they never found him.
...
"I know I said that it didn't matter to me because you can't stop a bullet- and it seemed easy to forgive you for shooting me..." Joseph started once more, his voice sounding strained when he spoke. "But in that same scenario, you didn't just shoot me; you almost killed me."
The accusation was hard to stomach, but it was true.
She deserved to hear that from him.
And as mad as he deserved to be at her... he chose not to show it; it was almost like he was going out of his way to avoid doing so. And doing that much couldn't have been easy to do- not when he knew everything that he did.
When he knew everything that she did...
But the stiffness nervousness in his hands and jaw told her that that wasn't where all of this ended.
There was more.
"And?" Kidman pressed.
Joseph hesitated this time- which wasn't a good sign as far as she was concerned. But it wasn't so much as being caught off-guard by her question, but rather... he seemed to be struggling on how to answer it; it was like the words just weren't coming to him no matter how hard he tried.
Still...
She had an idea of what was bothering him, only because it was bothering her as well.
It made her stomach drop the more she thought about it, but... it was bound to come up sooner or later- and they were only hurting themselves by continuously pushing it off like this.
"Is this about... our 'relationship' before?" Kidman questioned.
...
He didn't look surprised.
"Yes," Joseph answered flatly. "It's not entirely easy to go from thinking you know someone to... realizing you only knew what they wanted you to know. And half of that was just one, big constructed lie. It's hard to think back on everything I knew before and realize that... it all ends with you shooting and killing me in some fucked up, make believe world. I know it was not your intention, and I believe everything you told us, but..."
Kidman continued to be surprised at how lenient he was being with her- and it didn't seem like he was forcing himself to be.
He had every right to be upset about what had happened, about how she had fooled all of them, but he made himself step back. He made himself look at the bigger picture here; he made himself come to realize that she had been abused and manipulated just the same. She was no better than the abuse victims he had dedicated his life to helping and protecting.
She was a victim of a system that fucked them all over.
That didn't make her innocent though- it didn't magically erase her wrongdoings and sins, but... it made it easier for him to look past them. For now anyways.
Never in a hundred years would she imagine purposely hurting him by pulling the trigger.
"You betrayed my trust," he finished, "that's it."
No.
No it wasn't.
"Is it though?" Kidman pressed once more. She didn't want to hurt him further, or give him any additional stress, but this hurdle had to be taken care of. There was no more beating around the bush, and awkwardly trying to avoid being alone with one another. All of this ended here. "You think I treated you like something I could use for my own benefit and then toss away later."
"No," Joseph almost immediately corrected, "you treated me like someone you enjoyed being with- like someone you wanted to make a difference with. But... I guess I read into that wrong; I set myself up for this, so I don't know why I still feel like shit about it."
"That's not true."
...
His following silence ensured her that she had finally cracked something- that she had finally cracked whatever shield he had put up around himself. He wasn't a fighter; he was a pacifist, a peacekeeper to balance out both her and Sebastian's headstrong ways.
But he was also tired.
Tired of running around this topic for so long.
He briefly curled his fingers against the edge of the countertop, while she braced herself for whatever would come out of him next.
"I was in love with you," Joseph finally admitted, and the words sounded like mortar shells going off inside of the small kitchen. "We had a rocky start, but... God, you drove me crazy. I didn't think it was possible to fall so irrationally in love with someone so quickly. I worked around Sebastian and Myra for most of their relationship, and it was seven years of seeing the most intense love ever created. And I didn't think something like that could ever be recreated- I didn't think I would ever witness anything amount to even just a fraction of that. But... I did; I just didn't realize that I was living it."
It felt like everything inside of her rolled over.
He had... he was never the emotionally-spoken one, at least he never seemed fully comfortable doing so.
The few times he had ever opened up like that, ever willing to expose such a sensitive nature, had always been early in the mornings; it had always been when he thought she was asleep, or at least too drowsy to remember anything he said. They'd come back from a late shift, collapse on his couch and tiredly laugh at how they were too exhausted to change out of their uniforms.
She'd have her head on his chest and his fingers in her hair as they tried to catch a few hours of sleep before work started all over again.
And he would whisper things while half-asleep, telling her of how he could get used to this, how he could get used to her staying with him- maybe even living with him if the opportunity ever graced them.
And rationale thought told her not to go for it.
But she did.
She was weak, and so was he. And neither of them could fight it.
...
"The unbelievable part of all of this is... despite everything, I'm still in love with you."
Her hands shook at the words; her cup of now lukewarm coffee threatened to spill all over her.
Kidman half-expected him to walk off when he was through- that just, it just seemed like the natural reaction to do. That's how scenes like this always played out. But... he didn't. He stayed and she knew, if anything, he wanted a response.
He wanted to know if she had anything to say, anything to contribute or rebuttal.
... And she wasn't sure if she did.
Nothing she said would make this situation better.
She couldn't apologize and hope that it would make everything better- it would hardly even scrape the surface of this situation. It wouldn't amount to anything, even if the thought was there, and she truly, honestly meant it. Saying sorry wouldn't turn the clock back and make this whole thing avoidable; it wouldn't erase the nightmares, or make the pain in their heads go away.
...
It wouldn't bring back Connolly.
...
She couldn't even risk telling him her feelings in return- it would only make things worse; it would sound like an excuse, it would sound like she had taken advantage of him. A person wouldn't do what she did to someone that they loved.
But she... she loved him, didn't she?
She was just as equally in love with him as he was with her.
But things would be easier if... if she didn't.
Her growing silence only seemed to upset him, but he hid the pain well enough- not enough to hide, but... close. "It's fine," Joseph whispered, as he picked up his cup and walked past her out of the kitchen.
Kidman waited until he was out of sight and until she was certain he couldn't hear her. Her entire body was in knots, and she felt her stomach twisting back and forth- making the coffee in front of her almost nauseating. Sighing, she walked over and dumped it down the sink before she pushed her fingers through her hair- holding the limp strands back and out of her face.
"... I'm so sorry."