Survivor: Montana
List of Contestants
Simpson Tribe
Homer Simpson
Bart Simpson
Lisa Simpson
Moe Syzlak
Julius Hibbert
Clancy Wiggum
Ralph
Wiggum
Ned Flanders
McMahon Tribe
Rey Mysterio
Triple H
Jeff Hardy
Chris Jericho
John Cena
Matt Hardy
JBL
Shawn Micheals
Quahog Tribe
Peter Griffin
Lois Griffin
Brian Griffin
Stewie Griffin
Glen Quagmire
Cleveland
Adam West
Joe
NFL Tribe
Jake Delhomme
Adrian Peterson
Chad Johnson
Tony Romo
Calvin Johnson
Eli Manning
Peyton Manning
Brian Urlacher
*Tribal Council every two days, instead of every three.
*Two Mergers instead of one.
*Other than that, typical game of Survivor.
Andrew Probst: Hi, I'm Andrew Probst, younger brother of famous Survivor host Jeff Probst, and I will be your host for the latest, and perhaps greatest, version of the famous reality show. Not only is this the first Survivor on American soil, but it also the first Survivor to feature four tribes: the Simpson tribe, the McMahon tribe, the NFL tribe, and the Quahog tribe. Of these 32 contestants, only one will leave with the $1,000,000 in cold, hard cash. I have just been informed that the contestants have just arrived here in Montana, so let's go meet them now.
(Probst walks over to a plane a few miles away, which is surrounded by 32 future survivors.)
Probst: Welcome to Montana, gentlemen!
Lisa & Lois: Ahem!?!!
Probst:…….and Ladies!! It is now time to separate to look for your campsite, which will be marked by team flag. Simpson Tribe, your flag is yellow; McMahon Tribe; yours is black; NFL tribe, yours is blue; and Quahog Tribe, yours is green. First team to reach their campsite will be rewarded with double rations of rice. Any questions?
Jericho: Yeah, I got one.
Probst: (sighs) What is it, Chris?
Jericho: I know Vince McMahon is our boss and all, but doe we really tribe to named after him?
McMahon (who arrives from out of nowhere): Shut up, Jericho, or I'll fire your a**!!
(McMahon then leaves on his private jet, and Jericho falls completely silent.)
Probst: Okkkkkkkayyyy, any more dumb questions?
Homer: Will there be donuts?
Probst: For the hundredth time, NO!!!
Homer: D'oh!!
Probst: Ok, that's it, NO more questions; just go find your campsites.
(Under His Breath) How does Jeff put up with these idiots?
(The Simpson Tribe, thanks to the high intellect of Lisa, reaches their campground first, and therefore receives the double rations of rice. The NFL tribe, who spends most of the time bickering with each other and complaining about how they're too rich to be stuck in the wilderness, reaches their campground.)
Simpson Tribe- Day One
Ned: Well, I have to say with that victory, things are off to a great star—diddly—art.
Homer: Shut up, Flanders!
Clancy: Why don't you both shut up or I'll arrest ya both.
Bart: I have a better idea. Why don't three of you shut up, and help Lisa and I build the shelter?
Homer: (groans) But I'm helping Moe with the campfire.
Moe: Actually, Homer, I've already got a fire goin'.
Homer: Hmph… I beg to differ. (Homer puts right foot in flame and burns it.
Homer: Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! (Everyone except Homer tries to fend off laughter.)
Quahog Tribe- Day One
Stewie: (in interview with camera) On this little "reality" show, I shall accomplish my ultimate goal and finally kill Lois, or at least form an alliance and get her voted off. (evil laughter) Victory is mine!!!
Stewie: (no longer in interview; just talking with Brian while building shelter) Sooooooo, Brian, we've been the best of friends in the past, right?
Brian: Let's see, if I recall correctly, you once beat me up with a golf club and gave me third degree burns with a flamethrower, all because of a small sum of money. Am I correct, Stewie?
Stewie: Uhhhhhh…Yes, but that is all water under the bridge now, so if you could just hear me out on this..
Brian: (interrupting) Ok, what is this about?
Stewie: Well, I don't know about you, but Lois could be dangerous competition for that million dollars.
Brian: Team up against Lois?!? No Way!!
Stewie: Listen, Brian, there is only one winner in this competition, and if you want that to be you, then you're to going to have find somebody to form an alliance so that you can gang up on the strongest players and vote them off.
Brian: Alright, Alright, I'll team with you against Lois, but just this once. Deal?
Stewie: Deal.
McMahon Tribe- Day One
Triple H: Well, Here we are. We would've beaten the Simpson tribe to the double ration of rice, but someone had to confuse west with east.
(Everybody stares at JBL)
JBL: Well, don't look at me, it was Rey's compass.
Rey: Oh yeahhhhhh, blame it on the Haspanic guy. Nice one JBL!
Rey: (in interview) you know I just realized that with Batista gone, I don't have an ally to fall back on. I mean, Jericho has JBL, Jeff and Matt Hardy are hanging out, and Degeneration-X (Triple H and Shawn Micheals) will probably form an alliance. I guess I better talk with Cena and see if we can get some people on our side.
Rey: (no longer in interview, talking to Cena while looking for food in woods): So John, you notice that we've only been here for a few hours, but everyone has already seemed to form an alliance.
Cena: Oh yeah, Rey, it's definitely been on my mind. In fact, I've been with the Hardy brothers, and I think there is a good chance that we can get them on our side.
Rey: Awesome!!! Thanks John, that definitely puts my mind at ease.
Cena: You know, something has been disturbing me too.
Rey: What's that?
Cena: With these hidden cameras going around and taping our every move, this show seems really fake.
Rey: Yeah, kind of like our shows.
Cena: Touché.
NFL Tribe- Day One
(The NFL tribe's problems continue, as Chad and Tony have refused to work and Calvin and Jake are arguing over where to put the shelter.)
Jake: I said, by the woods!!!
Calvin: And I said, in the open field!!!
Jake: WOODS!!!!!!!!
Calvin: FIELD!!!!!!!!
Jake: WOODS!!!!!!!!!!
Calvin: FIELD!!!!!!!!!!
Jake: FIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Calvin: WOODS!!!!!!!!!!!! (Hesitates) Hey, wait a min-
Jake: Okay, that settles it—the shelter will be by the woods.
Calvin: Whoa! Whoa! I didn't mean to say that.
Eli: So, Calvin, how many games did the Lions win this season? Oh, that's right, ZERO!!!!
Calvin: Uhhhhhhhh…..I'll just go now. (walks away)
Peyton: Yeah, that's right, sulk in your ineptitude Calvin!!!!
Jake: Hey guys, if we're going to build the shelter, then we're going to need all eight people working on it.
Adrian: Well, that's too bad because I can't find Tony or Chad anywhere.
Jake: Where are they?
Brian U.: I don't know. They might be out in the woods somewhere.
Jake (in interview): If we end up going to tribal council tomorrow, I'm definitely voting either Tony or Chad off because they haven't done any work since we got here.
Simpson Tribe- Day Two
(Bart and Lisa walk to the tree-mail to receive the information for the immunity challenge later that day.)
Lisa: (reading letter) It says that we need to meet Mr. Probst at the banks of the Missouri River in about four hours from now. There is also some map, but I can't decipher it.
Bart: We better go tell the others about this challenge.
Banks of the Missouri River- Day Two
(The tribes have all gathered around Andrew Probst to hear what the challenge is going to be.)
Probst: Good afternoon, tribes! It looks like most of you had a great first day here in Montana, and three of the four tribes have already finished their shelter.
(Members of NFL tribe groan upon hearing this.)
Probst: So, anyway, I bet you all are wondering what that map you possess means. Well, it is a map to your tribe's immunity statue. Your statues are buried underground and marked with a flag corresponding with your team's colors. The first three teams to retrieve their idol statue are safe, while the last team will be forced to go to Tribal Council to vote off one of their own. Any questions?
Tony: So, what is our team's color again?
Probst: (sighs) I'm going to pretend you didn't ask that stupid question and just start the challenge. SURVIVOR READY……AND GOOO!!!!
[All four teams appear to have a difficult finding their team flags. After about half an hour, the McMahon Tribe, led by Cena, digs up their statue first. The Simpson Tribe digs their statue up a few minutes later to finish 2nd, which leaves the Quahog and NFL tribe still looking. The two tribes find their flags at about the same time, but with Chad and Tony continuing to not work for the NFL tribe, the Quahog tribe was able to dig theirs up a little faster to avoid Tribal Council.]
Probst: Congratulations to the McMahon for winning the challenge, as well as the Simpson and Quahog tribes. As for the NFL tribe, I will see you all tonight at Tribal Council.
Tribal Council (NFL Tribe)- Day Two
(Members of the NFL tribe solemnly walk in with torches in hand.)
Probst: Welcome to Tribal Council, a place where you certainly don't want to be. Ok, I have a few questions for the tribe members before we cast, the first of which is directed at Jake. You have been the only person who has even made an attempt at leading this tribe in the couple of days. Are you beginning to become frustrated by the group's lack of cohesion?
Jake: Well, not yet Andrew. I mean, we've only been here in Montana a couple of days, so maybe after a week we'll start getting along and getting things done.
Probst: Okay, next I want to talk to both Tony and Chad. Do you think that your lack of effort towards helping the team has put you both at risk at getting voted out tonight.
Chad: Nah dog. Ocho Cinco don't get voted out.
Tony: Well, not really.
Probst: The last question is for Calvin. How can a receiver with great talent you play for a team so bad like the Lions?
Calvin: Uhhhh, Is everybody going to be making fun of me about that for the entire fanfic?
(Snicker from many members of the NFL tribe.)
Probst: Hey, I'm the one asking the questions here bub! Just for that, you get to vote first.
(Calvin walks up to the voting section, thus beginning the typical voting montage. Eli writes down his vote, and shows that it is for Calvin, while Jake shows that he is voting for Tony.)
Probst: (with the voting box in front of him) Alright, you all have probably seen Survivor, so you know that once the votes are tallied, the decision is final, and that person must leave the area immediately. (opens box and takes out first sheet of paper) First vote is Calvin. (Calvin remains relatively calm) Next two votes are for Tony, followed by one for Chad. (Chad seems indifferent, but Tony looks nervous.) Another vote for Calvin, followed by one more for Tony, so that makes three for Tony, two for Calvin, and one for Chad. (pulls out next vote) and the next vote is for……..Tony, which means the last vote doesn't matter. Tony, bring me your torch.
(Tony, in utter shock, brings his torch over to Probst.)
Probst: Tony, the tribe has spoken.
(Probst extinguishes torch as dramatic music plays in background.)
Probst: Alright, the rest of you, return to your camp and get your rest.
(The remaining members of the NFL Tribe leave Tribal Council, while Tony heads in the other direction.)
End of Episode 1
Voter Tally
Candidate
Voters
Tony
Jake
Brian U.
Adrian
Chad
Calvin
Eli
Peyton
Chad
Tony
Calvin
Preview of Next Week
Will the Simpson tribe's early success continue?
With Tony gone, can the NFL tribe now find a way to work as a group?
Alliances have already formed in the McMahon and Quahog tribes. Will Stewie and Cena try to add anyone else, or will counter-alliance be formed?
P.S. If you don't who some of these people are, Google them.
.