"Come on girl we will have a blast." Lula whined from where she was sat doing my left hand nails.
"You know it will be fun, get some frustrations out." Persuaded Connie from where she was sat doing my right hand nails.
"Plus we all know our girl can sing soul, we heard you in the shower that last trip to Atlantic City. It will be so much fun." Lula added.
I Stephanie Plum was going to pay for this later, "Fine I'll go what is the plan?" I sighed trying to make them feel pity for me, no such luck. They were trying to convince me to go with them to try this new Karaoke bar in Trenton tonight but I just couldn't be bothered, Joe my on-off moron of a boyfriend and I had finally called it quit's a few weeks ago and since then Ranger has been distant, oh so it's okay to poach when I have a love life now he runs, Men!
"Yes girl, you are the best. We will meet at yours around 7 and get ready then liquored up and head out." Lula exclaimed before I could change my mind.
We wandered into the bar and saw it was quite nicely set out in booths with leather curved seats and dark brown tables. Classy but fun, there was a huge dance floor in the middle and a small stage with the karaoke decks set up.
We grabbed a booth near the dance floor and bar, Lula got the first round of drinks because she knew what she was singing while Connie and I flicked through the sheets.
Connie decided 'Independent woman' while I found a song that fitted me perfectly about my feelings for Ranger, 'Hate how I love you, by Rhianna' we wrote our selections with the disc numbers on the sheet and Connie strutted up to the stage and handed it to the guy.
Around an hour later and many Margareta's with the girls I felt a tingle run the length of my spine and suppressed the need to sigh. I turned to spot Ranger's A-team, Tank, Bobby, Lester plus Hal and Cal follow Ranger out to a booth at the back. They all looked edible and ready for a night out on the tiles, every female in the building turned and stared after them while they sat and ordered. Finally people started to turn back to what they were doing but still stealing a few glances, I kept eyes forward trying to ignore the feel of Ranger's gaze on my back.
Tank suddenly appeared at our table grinning like a fool and sat down next to Lula.
"Hey baby, hi girls, how you doing?"
"Took you long enough, you were supposed to be here like half an hour ago." Lula scolded.
What? Great now even Lula felt bad enough that she thought she had to sort out my love life. How pathetic is that? Very that's how.
Before I could voice my opinion I heard my name being called from the front. What the hell?
Damn the karaoke, I couldn't do it now, well if this wasn't embarrassing.
"Get up there girl!" Lula shouted pulling me by the arm out my seat and shoving me towards the stage.
Nothing to it. I can do it. Nothing to it. I can do it. I was chanting to myself as I took the mike and stood on the stage waiting for the song to load. Finally it did and I took a deep breath deciding I could pour my heart into the song and nobody would know then it would be out but everyone would be just as clueless as before. Make sense? Nope I don't get it either.
It's how much I love you
It's how much I need you
And I cant stand you.
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for a while?
I loved Ranger, pure and simple that was the hardest part and everyone could see I needed him, but I needed him for more than skip help and training, I needed his reassurance and support. I hate that he is the best thing in my life, the person who can make me feel better and even when he is an ass I can't be mad at him. It is impossible not to like him.
You wont let me
You upset me boy
And Then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget
That I was upset
Cant remember what you did.
God I even forgot my own name when he kissed me sometimes, it's like a drug and I'm helplessly addicted. I never stay upset with him ever because he makes it impossible, he knows all my buttons.
You know exactly what to do
So that I cant stay mad at you
For too long
That's wrong
But I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't wanna falsify no more
Every time I get annoyed whether it's with him or not he can just hold me in his arms and my mind and body turns to jelly and no matter what I was upset about it doesn't seem quite so important. I missed him so much this last while.
I despise that I adore you so
And I hate how much I love you boy,
I cant stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just cant let you go,
And I hate that I love you so
And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh
I said Its not fair you take advantage of the fact that I
Love you beyond the reason why
It just ain't right
I hate that he is the one person in the world that can make everything right but he wont because of some stupid sense of protection. I love him and I know he feels something for me, he admitted that much during the Scrog fiasco. The saddest thing is how much I love him and how he doesn't love me yet I cant move away, I would rather have that small section of him than nothing at all. He knows how much power he has, how he can nod his head and I'll follow him to the end of the earth. He uses me for distraction jobs because he knows no matter what the job I will jump to help because not only do I love him but he is my best friend. It's not right but I let him use me emotionally, kisses when he wants but I can't ask for things.
And I hate how much I love you boy,
I cant stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just cant let you go,
And I hate that I love you so
One of these days baby your magic wont effect me,
And your kiss wont make me weak
No one in this world knows me the way you know me,
So you'l probably always have a spell on me.
I hope to god it's true because I can't keep living my life waiting for the next time he's going to talk to me, if he will even spare me a glance. I hope that one day I wont do whatever he says just because he asks. I also know he does know me better than anyone else in the world because he see's things they don't he can read me like nobody else. Sadly and no matter how much denial I use I still know for a fact he will always by in my heart and thoughts whether it's good or bad and I can't see it being bad.
Its how much I love you
Its how much I need you
It's how much I love you
It's how much I need you.
I hate how I love you so…
And I hate how much I love you boy,
I hate how much I need you,
And I hate how much I love you boy,
But I just cant let you go,
And I hate that I love you so.
I finished the song and the whole place erupted into cheering and whistles, I blushed furiously before making my way back to the booth. As I was walking back I stole a glace towards the guys they were all smiling and clapping but Ranger was just sitting looking at me so intensely I had to turn around to the girls again. When I sat down Lula handed me a drink clapping me on the back.
"Girl you did so good, that was some amazing sole you got going. Did you see Batman's face looked like he had been punched in the gut so funny, were you thinking about him?"
"I like the song, it reminds me of stuff." I said trying to avoid the full story.
We finished our drinks and Lula was up next then Connie both were brilliant entertainment, guess I was most sober then. By eleven we decided the alcohol was taking it's toll and Lula couldn't persuade me to go over and see Ranger. The rest of his table came over and said hi, complimented me on my singing and chatted for a while but Ranger didn't even move from his spot even to get drinks.
Oh well guess Batman is pissed, well if he figured it out then serves him right, he needed a kick up the ass and if I was the one to deliver it then so be it.
We loaded into a taxi and went to drop me off first. We pulled up in front of my block and I spotted the black Porsche sitting in the lot. Damn guess I wasn't getting off the hook that easy, I sighed and pointed it out to the girls. Both stared eyes wide and started fanning themselves.
"Damn Batman is camping out in your apartment waiting for you. Girl you go get yourself some fun."
They pushed me out and the taxi sped off into the night. I hiked my purse higher on my shoulder and headed up to my apartment. Once the door was opened I dropped my purse and went in search of Ranger. Kitchen? No. Living room? No. Bedroom? Bingo, he was laying on his back hands behind his head and legs crossed at the ankles across my bed, obviously waiting for me. I pulled my jacket and shoes off before standing at the foot of the bed and waited for him to speak. He pushed himself up and motioned for me to join him but I shook my head taking a step back.
Suddenly he was on his feet right in front of me. He looked into my eyes and I saw the pain reflecting through his patented blank face. I suddenly felt bad till I remembered I had done nothing wrong.
"Did you mean it?" He asked studying my reaction.
"Mean what?" Innocent approach, try and find out exactly what prompted the pain in his eyes.
"That you love me?" I took a breath and tried to find the right answer without causing myself more pain and making me look any more stupid than I did already.
"How do you know it was you? It could be Joe or somebody else you haven't met." He looked down at me again with a look of disbelief.
"Babe." Right, he knows everything, such as Joe was out the picture for good and there have been no guys after me for a while.
"Why do you care?" I was getting sick of this, why does he have the right to know anything if he is just going to throw me away again, and this time there is no Joe to send me back to.
"Babe, please." His eyes still full of pain were pleading with me and for once I wasn't going to back down, he hurt me whether he meant it or not.
"What does it matter, your just going to throw me away again but this time there is no Morelli to use as an excuse." I knew I wasn't being entirely fair but he still needed to know I wasn't playing his games.
He sighed and moved back from me still maintaining eye contact. "Babe, I would never throw you away." ha that is debatable.
"So you mean after that night you told me to go to Morelli? You mean that all those kisses in the alley that have now stopped as soon as I'm single? You mean the fact I've barely seen you since then? You mean none of that counts as throwing me away?" I could feel my blood boil.
"Babe, I wanted to protect you."
"Well all you've managed is to hurt me. Maybe you need to protect me from your stupid ideas that I would be safer alone, like I don't attract enough psycho's all by myself. I would be safer with you than without you. You know what yes Ranger, yes I do love you. Okay now you know you can go, I'm in love with you, the song fits perfectly apart from this time I can't get hurt, if I cant have all of you or hell even most of you then I cant do this. You say you want to protect me but really your just scared, you have no control over peoples feelings not even your own and your scared to give a little power to someone else, well my problem is I gave someone my whole trust, my life and my heart and now not even superglue can fix the damage. So before you start on your self righteous protection bullshit that I don't want to hear just leave because I don't think you can do any more damage."
I could feel the tears running unchecked down my cheeks and to combat the pain I closed my eyes so I didn't have to look at him while he left without a care in the world, pain? Ha he hasn't felt anything yet if the stabbing in my chest is anything to go by.
There was silence for a while not that, that meant anything, Ranger was like smoke. I opened my eyes to find myself alone in my room so with tears still falling I pulled one of Ranger's shirts out of my drawer and a pair of boxers then trudged into the bathroom shutting the door behind me. I stripped and turned the water to scolding then stepped under allowing it to wash away the tears that still fell. All of a sudden it hit me and I collapsed into the floor of the tub, the water still pounding on me and cried big wracking sobs as my body shook with the power of them. The noise bounced off the walls as I lay curled up trying to control myself, finally I stood finished washing and climbed out. I dried dressed in the shirt and boxers, put a little gel through my hair and towel dried it before pulling it up into a ponytail to keep the frizzies at bay in the morning.
I padded out into my room to find Ranger was back and sitting on the edge of my bed head in his hands and body slumped and still. He didn't move when I entered the room so I dropped my dirty clothes in the hamper and climbed into bed ignoring him completely. He didn't move the whole time as I curled into a ball and softly cried for my loss, you would think he could go and just leave me, instead of staying to torture me. The tears soaked my pillow until they finally stopped and I started to drift off to sleep.
Ten minutes later I still wasn't asleep, Ranger still hadn't moved and I was so tired. I was almost asleep when I heard him whisper almost to himself.
"I didn't mean it, I do love you but I couldn't bear if you left me, what if I didn't come home one day, I cant handle the thought of hurting you like that. I'm sorry." He started to rub his face with his hands while I battled to keep my breathing even so he wouldn't know I was awake.
"Why can't you hate me? I don't deserve someone like you and it would kill me knowing I was holding you back. I hate how much I love you too but I can't help it the song is true for me too."
He stood to go, I couldn't let him leave after that.
"Stop." My voice barely about a whisper but it was enough to make him pause where he was but he didn't turn back.
"Have you ever thought that while your alive if I cant see you it hurts just as much if not more? Why do you think I would leave you? I couldn't handle it if you left me which is what is happening now. I could never hate you, I don't think I could if I tried and I don't want to. And finally I don't deserve you, you could have anybody you want why me? It doesn't make sense but I want you although not if you wont give me more of you because I couldn't live with myself because I want you, all of you."
Suddenly Ranger turned and was by my side in an instant. He searched my face for several minutes till he found what he was looking for and spoke softer than ever, his eyes I noticed were red rimmed and puffy also.
"Do you really want this?"
"With all my heart."
"We have to make changes though are you ready for that?"
"What changes?"
"I want you close, move in with me?" Hm his orgasmic sheets, wonderful shower and shower gel, Ella.
"Okay. You have to share more with me, not if it's classified but other things"
"Deal, You come back and work for Rangeman and I'll give you a partner and higher bond skips to do with them."
"Fine but I get to go with Lula when she asks." He nodded and I added. "Also there is no special treatment at work, I don't get extra's because of you." He nodded again so I continued my final point. "Then finally you can give me a GPS but you have to show me how to disable it for a while and I promise to tell you when I'm going to disable it."
"Okay sounds fair."
"Oh actually and you have to let me buy things I want with my own money like cars."
"Sounds fair." he smiled which quickly turned into a wolf grin as he leant forward. "Now I think we should consummate this deal."
"Finally." I joked then suddenly he was on top of me, his mouth plundering mine and I tried to bring him even closer still. I think I was going to enjoy this consummating the deal and the deal itself too.