TAKE DEXTER MORGAN, PLEASE - Three Slightly Improved Scenes from the season three finale
I.
THE REHEARSAL DINNER
INT. LOBBY OF FANCY-SCHMANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT
DEXTER, RITA, SYL, etc. are in the lobby waiting to be seated.
RITA
(bitchy)
Thanks for finally getting off your ass and helping with the wedding, Dexter
DEXTER
Um . . . you're welcome?
Just then RAMON staggers in, stinking drunk
RAMON
(to Syl)
Hey, didn't your husband just get skinned and dumped in a park? What are you, celebrating? Classy.
SYL
Whatever, baldie.
DEXTER
Hey Ramon, we only have reservations for eight. Take a hike, willya?
Ramon pulls out a gun, points it at Dexter
RAMON
Fuck you, you little creep! I'm totally gonna kill you!
DEXTER
(hurt)
Now that's just uncalled for. I'm not that little. What is it with you guys, anyway? Your brother was the same way, always calling me "little buddy," "little freak," "little gusano" . . . I don't even know what that means.
SYL
It means "worm," Dexter.
DEXTER
(annoyed)
Thanks, Syl.
RAMON
(in disbelief)
He called you little buddy?!
RITA
Like Gilligan?
Everyone tries to stifle their laughter.
DEXTER
(embarrassed)
Shut up, you guys!
RAMON
(with hurt feelings)
He used to call me that! Now I really AM gonna kill you.
DEXTER
Whatever, baldie.
Dexter sees DEB and QUINN sneaking up behind Ramon. Dexter maneuvers around so that only Ramon can see his face.
Dexter cups his hand around his mouth and mouths "I killed Oscar." Ramon's jaw drops in outraged astonishment. Dexter then mouths "I killed Miguel, too!" and makes a smirky face at Ramon.
Ramon totally loses it and fires a wild shot at Dexter. The bullet misses Dexter and hits Syl right between the eyes. Syl pitches forward, dead. Deb then shoots Ramon in the head.
DEXTER V.O.
Game over! Dexter four, Prados zero! Wait, I guess Syl is an ex-Prado, and technically Ramon killed her, and technically Deb killed Ramon . . . whatever. I still win. Hooray for me!
DEXTER
(enthusiastically)
Nice shooting, Deb! (stepping over Syl's body) Let's eat!
Everyone in the restaurant is staring at Dexter, appalled
DEXTER
What? I'm hungry!
II.
DEXTER VS. THE SKINNER
INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY
Dexter is tied to a table. He's got a humongous bruise on his face.
DEXTER
What the hell? Is this another of those stupid wedding pranks? Because it's even less funny than the last one. On the other hand, maybe I'll get to punch Masuka again. That would be sweet.
He looks up and sees THE SKINNER across the room, looking all creepy and shit
DEXTER V.O.
Oh shit, the Skinner! Miguel must have sicced him on me. Man, that guy was an even bigger douchebag than I thought.
HARRY appears next to Dexter.
DEXTER
(annoyed)
Oh for Christ's sake. Not now, Dad.
HARRY
This is all your fault, Dexter. I tried to tell you, but God forbid you should listen to your father for once . . .
DEXTER
(cutting Harry off)
I know, I know! Look, this is really not a good time. You know, seeing as how I'm about to be skinned alive and all?
HARRY
I worked my fingers to the bone trying to make you the best serial killer you could be, and this is how you repay me? By ignoring all my advice and hanging out with psychos? I warned you, Dexter.
DEXTER
Yeah, well, about that whole serial-killer training program thing, did it ever fucking occur to you to just TAKE ME TO A PSYCHIATRIST?!`
HARRY
You know, Doris wanted to trade you in for a Chinese orphan.
DEXTER
I've been meaning to ask, where do you store all your Parent of the Year awards? You know, now that you're DEAD? And go away.
Dexter looks over and sees the Skinner looking at his watch and tapping his foot impatiently.
HARRY
Yep, that guy's going to skin you alive and it's going to be allllll your fault . . .
DEXTER
JESUS, DAD, WOULD YOU PUT A FUCKING SOCK IN IT ALREADY?!?!?
HARRY
Okay, fine, have it your way. One more thing, though: Remember that time in the trunk, when I said I was proud of you?
DEXTER
You mean the one fucking nice thing you ever said to me in my entire life? Yeah, what about it?
HARRY
I lied.
Dexter makes a pissy David Fisher face, then looks up to find the Skinner looming over him menacingly, and looking all creepy and shit.
DEXTER
(lamely)
Hi, there. How's it going?
SKINNER
(all creepy and shit)
You weel tell me where Freebo is.
DEXTER
(confused)
I wheel?
SKINNER
WHERE EES FREEBO?!?
DEXTER
Who? Oh, him. I killed him.
The Skinner is taken aback
DEXTER
Yeah, I stabbed him, chopped him up in little pieces, dumped him in the ocean. You know how it goes. It was pretty cool. Bet you're sorry you missed it, huh?
SKINNER
Why would you do such a theeng?
DEXTER
Oh, I don't know. For fun, mostly.
SKINNER
(angry. And all creepy and shit)
YOU ARE LIAR!
DEXTER
(mocking the Skinner's accent and demeanor)
YOU ARE SHORT!
Dexter cracks up at his own joke, which really ticks the Skinner off
SKINNER
Let's see how funny eet is when I skeen you alive!
The Skinner pulls out a scary knife and waves it in Dexter's face. This sobers Dexter up fast.
DEXTER
(panicking)
Waitwaitwait! I was just kidding! I totally know where Freebo is! I just ran into him at the Shoney's downtown! Let's go find him, we can probably still make it for the breakfast buffet! Oh shit, please don't skin me!
The Skinner rips Dexter's shirt open in preparation for skinning.
DEXTER
Hey! I just bought that!
SKINNER
So? Eet makes you look like Reechie Cunningham. I'm doing you a favor.
The Skinner begins to remove a small patch of skin from Dexter's chest.
DEXTER
YEOOOOWWWWWWW!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!
Just then the Skinner's phone rings. He walks across the room to get away from Dexter's screaming.
SKINNER
(en Espanol)
Hello? Oh, hi Mom. What? No, I didn't forget! I knew it was your birthday! Didn't you get that, um, thing I sent? You didn't? It must have gotten lost in the mail . . .
Earsplitting screeching can be heard from the Skinner's cell phone. He moves further and further away from Dexter as his mother continues to chew him out.
DEXTER V.O.
Oh my god, that SUCKED! I can't wait to do that to someone else. I bet it's fun. Guess I'd better figure out a way out of here, first . . . Hmmm . . . I just read something about how a penguin will chew off its own paw to get out of a trap . . . or was it coyotes? I'm pretty sure penguins don't have paws . . . or do they? Nah, they're more like flippers. Whatever, here goes.
Dexter begins to rock the table back and forth, finally tipping it over and breaking his hand in the process. As he's untangling himself from the ropes, the Skinner sees what he's doing and rushes over.
SKINNER
Where do you theenk you're going, Opie?
Dexter is having trouble getting his feet free just as the Skinner reaches him
DEXTER
Hold on a sec.
The Skinner hesitates.
DEXTER
Okay, got it.
Dexter kicks the Skinner in the face.
SKINNER
Hey, no fair, you cheated!
There is a furious struggle, with much unsportsmanlike conduct on both sides. The Skinner manages to cut Dexter a few times with the knife. Finally Dexter snaps the Skinner's neck as half a dozen police cars come roaring into the warehouse, led by Deb. Dexter is on the second story with the Skinner's body. As the squad cars pass underneath, he drops the Skinner. His body plummets head first through the windshield of Deb's car. She slams on the brakes and causes a huge pileup as the following cars all ram into one another.
DEXTER
Hahahahahaaa!! That was sweet!
Dexter moves to the window, carrying the Skinner's knife and the rope from the table. He tries to climb out the window, but his broken hand makes it difficult.
DEXTER
(regarding his mangled hand with disgust)
Penguins are fucking stupid.
Downstairs Deb and the other cops are surveying the wreckage.
DEB
I am NOT paying for that!
COP
Sorry, officer, you just stopped so suddenly . . .
DEB
Gee, you think that maybe it's because I had a DEAD SERIAL KILLER STUCK IN MY FUCKING WINDSHIELD?!?! . . . wait, what did you call me?
COP
"Officer?"
DEB
I believe it's "Detective."
COP
Oh.
DEB
Say it.
COP
What, "Detective?"
Just then a loud thump, followed by a muffled "OW!" is heard from outside
COP
Did you hear something?
DEB
No. Say it again!
COP
Detective!
DEB
Louder!
III.
THE STUPID FUCKING WEDDING
INT. FANCY-SCHMANCY HOTEL, RITA'S ROOM – DAY
Rita is in her wedding dress. Astor and Deb are helping her get ready.
RITA
Where the hell is that moron? Did he get lost or something? I swear . . .
Dexter comes limping in. He's on crutches, his arm is in a cast, he has a black eye, and he's still in the torn bloody shirt from the night before. He's also completely wasted on Vicodin.
DEXTER
(slurring)
What's up?
DEB
You're two fucking hours late, that's what's up, retard! (notices the state Dexter is in) What the fuck happened to you? You look like shit!
DEXTER
I fell down.
RITA
(shaking her head, disgusted)
Unbelievable. (threateningly) You have fifteen minutes to get ready. Go. Now.
INT. HOTEL ROOM –DAY
Dexter is in his wedding suit, trying to tie his tie and failing spectacularly. He's in a foul mood.
DEXTER
The penguin goes in the hole . . . wait, the CHIPMUNK goes in the hole . . . shit, that's not right either. Who comes up with this crap, anyway?
Deb comes up behind him.
DEB
Let me help. (starts fixing Dexter's tie) Jesus, dude, did you take a shower?
DEXTER
Hey, I was at the fucking hospital all morning.
DEB
(changing subject)
Did I tell you that I caught the Skinner?
DEXTER
Big deal, that guy was a pussy.
DEB
What?! Fine, tie your own fucking tie, asshole!
Deb stomps out.
EXT. THE WEDDING– DAY
Dexter and Rita are at the altar. The wedding is under way. Rita is saying her vows, while Dexter sways unsteadily on his crutches, looking spaced out. His tie hangs undone around his neck.
DEXTER'S P.O.V.
Rita is talking, but all Dexter hears is the sound the adults make on Charlie Brown.
RITA
Wah wah, wah wah, wahwahwahwahwah . . . .
DEXTER V.O.
I can't believe I'm really going through with this. Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, Harry's whole fit-in-and-be-normal thing. Jesus, what was I thinking? I think I'm going to hurl.
Dexter looks across the crowd and sees Harry and LAURA MOSER sitting at a table. Laura is snorting a line of coke. Harry flips him the bird.
DEXTER
(mumbling to himself)
Yeah, well, fuck you guys.
RITA
What?
DEXTER
What?
RITA
(whispering, furious)
Your vows?
Dexter stares at her blankly.
DEXTER
. . . . uhhhhhhhhhhh . . .
Rita looks at Dexter. He looks like an escaped mental patient who was just hit by a bus. He grins at her lamely. This is the last straw for Rita.
RITA
That does it! I am sick of your shit, Dexter Morgan! And I am OUTTA HERE!
DEXTER
Uhhhhh?
RITA
WELCOME TO DUMPSVILLE, DEXTER! Population: YOU!!!!! Come on, kids.
Rita stomps off with ASTOR and CODY in tow. As they leave, the kids turn to Dexter..
ASTOR
You suck, Dexter
CODY
Yeah, Dexter, you suck.
Dexter stares after his departing family in shock, not sure what just happened.
RITA
(over her shoulder)
Oh, and the baby, Dexter? IT'S NOT YOURS!
Dexter is left standing at the altar. He looks dazed for a moment, then turns and pukes into the flower arrangement. Deb, ANGEL, MASUKA, ANTON and QUINN come up to offer their condolences.
ANTON
(shaking his head, laughing)
Dude, that was so lame.
QUINN
Well done. I'm impressed. Really.
MASUKA
Nice one, dude.
ANGEL
That was really . . . bad . . .
DEB
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
Dexter finishes puking then stands up and looks around. Most of the guests are getting up to leave, shaking their heads in disgust and/or giving Dexter the stinkeye.
DEB
Fuck it, let's get drunk.
EXT. WEDDING – TWO HOURS LATER
Dexter, Deb, Masuka, Angel, Quinn and Anton, now joined by TAMMY and GIANNA, are standing around an improvised beer bong. Everyone is shitfaced drunk. Masuka has one end of the hose in his mouth while Quinn pours an entire bottle of champagne into the funnel at the other end. Everyone is egging Masuka on, except Dexter, who is still spaced out and disgruntled.
DEXTER V.O.
Well, so much for a normal life. Whose genius idea was that, anyway? Oh yeah, mine. Oops.
Dexter looks over and sees Harry and Laura again. Harry is drinking champagne from the bottle, and Laura is going down on him. Harry waves at Dexter and laughs. Dexter is horrified.
DEXTER V.O. (cont.)
. . . God, that is so . . . wrong . . . what was I saying? Oh yeah. Normal. Fuck normal. What a pain in the ass.
Masuka projectile vomits what looks like an entire bottle of chunk-style champagne. Everybody laughs and cheers.
DEXTER V.O. (cont.)
You know what? I think I'm just going to start telling people I'm gay. That way, no one will wonder why I'm not married with children. And they'll actually be relieved when I show up without a date. Why didn't I think of that before? Problem solved. Now I wonder where I can find myself a nice skinning knife . . . ?