A twilight fanfic, wherein bella swan and edward cullen go to a lake and have a picnic.
THE PURPLE PICNIC
It was a purpleish day. It made me want to run my fingers through Edward's not very purple, but very hairish, hair. His dreaminess and sparkliness in the purpleish sunlight made my heart
sigh with frustration and need - need for him, need for his fangs to penetrate my moist, blood-filled neck in an explosion of bodily fluid.
Edward, who was a very dreamy campyr, looked at me from the other side of the car (which was a very carlike car, being made of metal and having four wheels) with his eyes. Those eyes.
The eyes are the most soulful part of the campyr, especially the ones that have no souls and can read minds.
His eyes beckoned to me, telling me "Bella, we are a pair of eyes in the head of a campyr who is extremely attractive. You must make him bite you and be his eternal campyr bride."
I agreed with his soulful eyes that beckoned to me and told me these things.
But then, in the space of a second, Edward had stopped the car, applied the handbrake, turned off the ignition, opened the door, closed the door, remembered that the keys were in the
ignition, reopened the door, removed the keys from the ignition, closed the door again, and walked around to my door. He moved so fast that I could barely see the different actions he
was doing.
He seemed about to open the door for me, but then didn't. I opened the door myself instead and gave him a big smile. He looked back like a very good-looking broody chicken and stalked
away. My love for him grew more and more as his sensuous coat foibled its way down his mysterious back.
I ran after him and called, "Edward! Wait for me!" but then I fell over because I am so clumsy.
He looked over his shoulder, a bored expression written across his gorgeously handsome features. Campyrs can look good no matter the expression on their faces.
"Bella, I cannot stand this much longer. You are too amazing for me to let go."
I said "But Edward, I do not want you to let me go! I want you to hold me tightly!"
He said back "But I could accidentally crush you by holding you tightly. If only there were some way for you to be stronger, so that I could not accidentally crush you by holding you tightly."
My mind raced and raced, and suddenly I realised that he must be talking about the one thing that I had been wanting more than anything else ever since I had originally thought of doing
the thing.
He wanted to turn me into his campyr wife!
"Oh Edward, do it now!" I squealed, my voice going high with delight. It was a very delightful thought.
The amazingly beautiful, sparkling campyr turned his very attractive head to the side, a slight frown written across his features of handsomeness.
"Whatever are you talking about, Bella?" he said.
My face dropped as I realised that he had not realised what he had made me realise by saying those words. My stomach started to feel bad.
"Edward, you must turn me into a campyr!"
His amazingly pretty features turned into a scowl of beautifulness. Something about the way he spoke made me realise that I had made him angry.
"Bella, you've made me angry!" he said.
Suddenly we arrived at the lake that we had been travelling to so far into the day. My brain was doing cartwheels in confusion at what had transpirationed since our egregious journey had
begun.
It was a big lake of water, with a surface that sparkled in the purple light of the day, but not in the same way that Edward sparkled, for his sparkles made me feel giddy.
"Edward, tell me what I've done wrong!" I cried.
But I knew that he would not tell me. It was certainly a test, to make sure that I was worthy of his love. For I did love him, and although that could never be enough, and I did not think
that I could ever be good enough for him, I had to tell him.
"Edward!" I said. "I love you!"
Edward looked at me with those big, serendipitous eyes of his. I felt myself falling into those pools of shining eye, which beckoned me and told me "Bella, you need Edward's fangs inside
you!" and I knew that I did, and that it would feel so good to finally feel his fangs piercing my quivering flesh, and that it would give me the release I had been wanting for so long. The
release of his love.
But he just looked at me, and did not say anything in return. Then he turned to look over the water.
"This is a campyr lake. It's where we throw things we don't want anymore, like puppies and chocolate." he said.
My soul quivered as he said those three last words: how could anyone not like puppies and chocolate?
But I knew that he must have a good reason for not liking puppies and chocolate. He was perfect, and I was just a stupid girl who couldn't persuade a perfect man who she loved to bite her.
"That's so right, I hate puppies and chocolate Edward. But I love you."
Edward looked at me with contempt, like I was missing the point. I asked him why.
"Edward, why are you looking at me like I'm missing the point?"
He sighed and rolled his beautiful eyes, and turned back to the water. The glinting of the purpleish light on its surface was reflected surreally by his purpleishly sparkling sun that sparkled
in the sunlight which is one of my favourite things about Edward. Suddenly Edward growled in a slightly manful way and ripped off his dark purple shirt that was covering his skin. The skin on
his amazingly beautiful chest began to sparkle in the sunlight that was still rather purpleish. The aphorism "campyrs have really sparkly skin and also Bella wants to marry one of them who is
named Edward and is a total dreamboat" fell into my mind, like I did earlier on when I tried to run and forgot that I'm so clumsy that I always fall over when I run.
"Do you see my skin, Bella?"
Of course I saw his skin. I wanted to run my fingers all over his sparkling chest of purpleish campyr-flesh for hours, and then wait until he was distracted so I could place my neck between his
teeth and force his mouth shut.
"Edward, I love your skin. Much more than I love things like chocolate and puppies."
Edward's plump campyr lips became thinner than usual, although they were still very pretty.
"Bella, my skin is a curse. You should not love things that are curses."
I could not believe what he was saying. His skin is the most amazing skin that sparkles in sunlight in the entire world that I've ever seen. I felt like I had to tell Edward this, and suddenly an
ingeniously subtle way of working it into the conversation occured to me.
"Edward I love your skin because it's the most amazing skin that sparkles in sunlight in the entire world that I've ever seen!"
For once, Edward did not look at me like I had got myself kidnapped by an evil campyr (who enjoys torturing weak, unappealing characters who have no distinguishing features except for
being female and enjoying being used as a doormat by men) again. His stagnant pool-like eyes of dreaminess looked straight through me, as though he was looking right into my mind.
"Oh Edward, it's amazing how you can look right through me as though you're reading my mind! Even though it has been established canonically that I am immune to being mind-read!"
Finally, my love smiled, his mouth twisting up at one side so that his eyes were entirely unchanged by this facial expression of smiling. I was so happy that I had pleased him. I walked over to
Edward and placed my hands on his chest of sparklyness, my heart beginning to race faster, the blood pounding through me, making me produce extra bodily fluid in the orifice of my mouth. I
swallowed so that I wouldn't dribble in front of Edward again today, he doesn't like it when saliva leaks out of my mouth. My desire was so great that I leaned forward and kissed Edward
gently on his cold, unresponsive lips that were extremely pretty. The feeling of a lot of happiness that exploded below my stomach was almost unbearable, and I let out a low moan.
A single tear of campyr tear liquid dribbled out of the inside corner of Edward's stagnant eye, his face otherwise expressionless, except for an expression of sadness.
"Bella, I can't keep doing this."
I pouted.
"But Edward, I love it when we do this!"
His face contorted with rage and anger.
"I wish I knew how to quit you!"
He pushed me backwards lightly and I stumbled several times and managed to fall on my face again. I can be so clumsy sometimes. Luckily I was not hurt very much, although I bit my lip and
there was a little blood in my mouth. Edward's expression instantly changed to one of wanting and needing something. What could it be that he both wanted and needed?
"Edward, is there something you want and need?"
His mouth hung open for a second, and I saw his tongue, in its purpleish glory, standing to attention inside his mouth. It looked so big and hard, and there was a big drop of clear fluid on its
purpleish tip. My heart started beating faster again.
"Bella, I want to watch you while you sleep."
I was amazed at the way that he pronounced the words: they were so monosyllabic that I understood them all, even though I am a girl and am not very good at listening comprehension.
"Edward, I would love it if you watched me while I sleep! That is one of the times that I have noticed that I do not notice you watching me!"
Edward's huge, purple tongue thrust out between his lips, and licked them like a tongue that was purple and huge.
"Good, because I've been doing that ever since I first met you, Bella."
I felt happy and excited and a little bit sleepy all at once.
"Edward, I'm a little bit sleepy now! Would you like to watch me while I sleep now?"
My voice was purple and high-pitched with excitement. I find it difficult to keep my voice from becoming high-pitched with excitement when the man of my dreams tells me that he's been
sneaking into my bedroom at night for months and sitting next to my bed for hours upon hours doing nothing but sitting there watching me for hours upon hours.
"It's so romantic Edward, let's go back to my bedroom now!"
Edward's beautiful face with its sparkling features fell like a tree that has been bitten by a tree-campyr and lost its ability to stand up straight because it loves the tree-campyr so very much,
and he roared in a monotonic way, a bit like an annoyed campyr might roar if he were annoyed and was very attractive.
"Bella, we must have our picnic."
Edward produced a package, which turned out to be a picnic basket, that he must have been hiding behind his back (campyrs are very good at hiding things behind their backs, like secrets
and picnic baskets) that was covered in a very soft and pretty fur (although the fur was not as pretty as Edward, for he was extremely pretty indeed) and on the inside was lined with the
wrappers of many many chocolate bars. I wondered about what kind of fur it could be, and scrolled up a little to see if there were any clues earlier in the story.
"Edward, I love your package! It's so big and round and it looks so tasty!
Edward's sparklingly purple hands caressed his package, making it seem bigger and harder by comparison - for campyr hands are very soft and small, like a woman's hands only not as
useless because they belong to male campyrs. Female campyrs do exist but there aren't any at this picnic and they're not very important so I won't talk about them very much.
It just makes me want to cram it right into my mouth and swallow everything inside, Edward!" I squeed.
My beautiful lovely attractively purple campyr rolled his deep, soulfully soulless mahogany-purple dream-pool eyes at me again.
"Bella, you realise you just did that narration out loud, right?"
"Eek!
I squealed. Then I looked at that paragraph again and realised that I had indeed spoken it all out loud! Curse you, speech marks! I couldn't believe I did that, so I told Edward that I couldn't
believe that I did that.
I can't believe I did that! Oh, if only I were a campyr I would be a much more capable narrator and would be married to you Edward!"
Edward's delicious-looking pouting lips pouted deliciously some more, and his mouth made a deeply romantically slushy noise that sounded a bit like a sigh only longer and also it made me
want to grind myself against his self in holy matrimony forever and ever.
"You did it again, Bella."
I scrolled up again and realised that I had! I was so sad and frustrated both mentally and physically (especially physically) that I sat down and cried. Well, I fell over and cried in my
clumsiness. Sitting down is not easy for me because I am very clumsy. I cried tears of inferior female human tear-liquid which is not as good as campyr tear-liquid. Campyr tears are made of
gold and sparklings and have the power to turn back time, heal all wounds, and mend plotholes.
TO BE CONTINUED