Dear Diary,
It's Christmas morning. I'm alone in bed staring at my mannequin wondering why? Why can't K take the final step, so I can wake with her in my arms. Why did I let Sabrina use me to hurt K so much for so long that she had to call Sabrina's boyfriend Evan to come to the party? She knew I wouldn't listen any other way. That gift is still under the tree useless to me. Like all those memories of Camp Kichi-wawa. I don't know how to make it up to her.
Why I am suddenly more than the daughter of Hank and Farrah Raudenfeld? Now I am Jim and Portia Breton's eldest daughter too. At least a near duplicate. Gwen says I sound like her, act like, laugh like her and think like her. The only things she was that I wasn't involve athletics and fashion.
I hate fashion. I hate the way it labels you. The fact that it uses starving girls so desperate for attention that they will walk around practically nude to show ugly clothes off. The fact that you have to be 'on trend' or your 'out.' Now I can't even say that's normal.
What is worse, I bring home this cache of pics of me with people she's never seen before and she asks me what school project needed me to Photoshop myself into them. "and Felix is such a brilliant guy!' Yes, a brilliant, kind, super cute guy who I really like who I got drunk and caused him to go into rehab on our second date. A guy who I keep giving mixed signals too.
The clothes fit! The shoes fit! Why did she wear Alexander Wang? I love Rag and Bone and Forever 21 myself but she loved Marc Jacobs, Current, and Dolce&Gabbana? That Macramé Lace Skirt is absolutely cute and I was thinking of wearing today until I googled it and almost dropped the phone. It was worth $2000 in 2007. A small sample of the clothes Lorelei wore to see if we fit.
At Least K confirmed that she's a part of a long heritage of special people just like her dad always said she was. That smile when she got back after doing the gate herself said she loves the idea. Even more than Liam or music. Gwen gave her a new guitar once she used on the concert tour. Not autographed so she can use it.
I got these questions that linger as I lie in bed as Mom shouts that K is here with Lauren to cheer me up. How will Lauren cheer me up? I can't tell her. I hate ostentatiousness. I hate lying. Why could you love me for me, Sabrina? Why was I your pawn in a game to beat K?
K is standing in the doorway now, after opening it softly. She sees me writing this, as I lay here. Mopey head, as she slides beside me, rubbing my hair.
That's the only difference. Mine is a sandy blonde like wheat. Hers was reddish gold. So I go from being tragic princess in my own romantic drama to something even darker. I can't label that either. As they knew Lorelei was straight. Yet Gwen admits she could have hidden it. She hid a bond with Tom for 3 months before she died. More words I don't understand.
K asks me if I'm OK and if I want to come down stairs. We hug and I do.
Several hours later, I back and now I have gifts from everyone. Both Christmas and Saturnalia from K, the leather shoes I wanted and a new camera plus candles and a mermaid that Molly made. Shane got me a video editing program for my laptop so I can make better video. Liam got me sandpaper. Typical Liam. His family still osterized him so he now lives at Lauren's and Bruce is ok with that. Then again he also said that he would castrate him if he found out he'd slept with her. As much as I want to see that happen, I can't do that to Lauren. No one deserves to be a pawn in someone else's game.
That's why I am still talking to Gwen and Tom. I know both are sincere. I watched the videos and seen her room which looks like mine without the lockers but with a trophy case. She loved journalism too. That's the most disconcerting why. Why did I get to live twice? I can't think about it but I do because it hides the pain of Sabrina's knife. She almost cut out my heart.
K thought the party in a few hours will do me good. I knew it wouldn't so I am finishing this now. She's downstairs and we will watch Christmas movies which we both love for different reason. Why is everything so hard to answer?
Dad's gift: my name carved in a stone from Indonesia. Felix gives me a clock/timer that he handmade. It's so sweet. Lauren's here again. Apparently, she wants to watch the movies with me too. So Merry Christmas, Diary with your janky lock and brittle pages. I know you won't spill your guts because at least K loves me. She said so. We are forever soul mates. No matter what the next year brings.