Catherine Tate's Nan Goes to Greece
By Jessica Thorpe
DISCLAIMER – I do not own The Catherine Tate Show.
(Scene begins where Nan and Jamie have just advanced to the front of the queue at baggage control of London City airport)
DESK LADY - Hello, Maam. All luggage onto the X-ray belt here please.
NAN – X-ray machine? Where? 'Ere?
(looking round exaggeratedly)
DESK LADY– Yep, right here please.
JAMIE– Just do as the lady says Nan.
NAN – Oh, innit blooming marvelous, aye? The technology they have at airports these days... But what you want me bags for, I'm very possessive with my possessions at my time of life, love.
JAMIE – It's just to ascertain that there isn't anything in our suitcases which there shouldn't be, Nan.
NAN- Who d'they think I am, eh, Bin Fakin' Laden?
JAMIE– Nan! You heard what the lady said. It's just policy!
NAN – Nah, I'm no good with most policies, me. Does the woman think I'm keeping a fakin' bomb up me harris? Bloody bombastic, innit!" (to Jamie)
JAMIE – Nan!
NAN – Alright Son, I get the point, but keep 'ya hair on. No need to have such a short fuse!
DESK LADY – You cannot be saying such things. For your information, airport security is a very serious concern at the moment.
NAN – Yes, yes, yes, I know love. Come on now son, be a good boy and lift this bleedin' suitecase up onto this X-ray machine for me (to Jamie)
(Jamie lifts case)
NAN - There's a good boy.
You got toilets here, love? Might need it soon after that fakin' curry I had in that place whilst we've been waiting. My trip over there might be a bit explosive though. Not to mention atomic ache! Bomb up me ass? I might have soon.
(Nan's cackling laugh)
Jamie gives her a stern look.
NAN – Aright son, all right! Humph!
JAMIE TO DESK LADY – Sorry about her. It's just flying nerves. It's been a few years since she has flown.
DESK LADY – I understand. It's quite alright, this time.
(In Greece in a restaurant, midst the celebrations of happy people dancing and they begin to throw plates)
JAMIE – Do you want to smash a plate Nan?
NAN - (in disbelief) (followed by a pause.) Do what, love?
JAMIE – Plate smashing. It's a Greek tradition over here. Basically, years ago, the rich people used to invite the poor people over to dinner and break their plates. It made them feel better, and the moral proved that friendship meant everything.
(Nan looks at camera)
NAN – Smash - a - fakin' - plate? What on earth would I wanna' do a thing like that for? Smash a fakin' plate?
(cackle)
JAMIE – Oh, Nan. Come on. It's just a bit of fun.
NAN – Ooo, they want lining up and fakin' blowing up! Breaking plates for fun? Just when you thought you'd heard it all, eh?
JAMIE – Well I'm going to', Nan. Why not make the most of it whilst we're here?
GREEK DANCER – (Approaches Nan's table) Efharisto! (gives Nan and Jamie a plate) And for you, Madam.
JAMIE – Come on then Nan, lets have some fun!
NAN – Hear, that's a nice plate that. Might have to take that one home with me. Not smash it on the fackin' floor for some poor old sod to come along and clean up afterwards. Another six night of this. Dear, oh dear.
JAMIE – Well, alright then. I'll leave it up to you.
(joins congregation of plate smashers)
(Lady comes along)
(Smiles) LADY – Hiya. We're from England too. Lovely here, isn't it?
NAN – Yeah. Smashing! (evil look)
LADY – So how long have you been here for then?
NAN – Just got ere today, love. Wonderful country, innit, Greece. First holiday I've had in years, this.
LADY – Aw, that's nice. Lovely beach right outside. We haven't been off it.
NAN – Oh, marvelous, love. It's a bit late for me to be getting tan though at my time of life. Milk bottle white I am. Nooo, can't be dealing with that.
LADY – Well, it has beautiful sand (smiles).
NAN – Well, I should hope so an' all love. Beaches do tend to have sand usually.
(Lady smiles)
NAN - Thanks for the tip though, sweetheart. That's lovely that.
(Plate smashing in the background)
Jamie comes back.
NAN – Hear son, you gonna' go and dance. That bloke over there looks like he might be one to slung it up the ass.
(Nan's famous cackle)
JAMIE – Nan! I've told you before, I'm not gay!
(looks at camera).
NAN - Ain't it nice though, aye. I remember the last time I was on 'oliday. Clacton, it was. Ooo, we used to have the time of our life we did. Up and down on those donkey's all the way down the beach as they walked through their own p*** and s,*** eating fatty, glutinous bleedin' chips out of pieces of old newspaper whilst the seagulls swooped down and robbed ya' for all ya' were worth. Ooooo I'm raving!
(Jamie shoots her a sharp look)
And then after that, me and Polly would go up and down on that carousel like there was no tomorrow. Mind you, she probably still goes up and down on 'em all the time to this day.
Men that is.
(famous cackle)
JAMIE – Well, this isn't like the English coast, there's a lot more to see and do over here.
NAN – But ever so nice for you to treat me though, sweetheart. You are good boy.
JAMIE – That's alright, Nan. I'm getting good money now that I am promoted and know a lot more about elephants, so then I thought we'll pack our trunks and jet off somewhere nice.
NAN – Bleedin' Nora. You ain't still on about them bleedin' elephants! Still, coulda' been nicer though. I'll need a fakin' hearing aid cos of all this noise soon if one of these plates don't come flying at me in me head first.
GREEK WAITER (smiling at and approaching Nan) - OPA, OPA, OPA!
(Nan turns her head slowly and disbelievingly to the screen)
Wha's he saying?
GREEK WAITER– It's a Greek celebration. It's not English.
NAN – Well thank you sweetheart but you ain't gotta' be a bleedin' genius to suss that one out. But ooo, you are handsome young fella, aren't ya. You with your lovely brown skin and that exotic accent, wish I was a few years younger.
GREEK WAITER – Thank you, nice lady. You come dance?
NAN – Ooo, nah, not me sweetheart. Already broke me hip once.
(as he walks away) Nan – Ooo, he is nice boy.
NAN - (To Jamie) Did you see him? Great big hairy arms and eyebrows? Ugly fakin b*****d, ain't he? Poor, little old me didn't know where to look! And that smell! Cor, worse than you after you've finished for the day with them bleedin' elephants!
JAMIE – For goodness sake, Nan! Please be nice to people. It's not their fault how they look. Do you want to be sent back to anger management again, because you're going the right way about it!
NAN – Well I don't imagine he'd've been born wanting to look like that. Hairy old sod!
(Waiter walks past table with drinks for another table and smiles kindly at Nan)
NAN – Ooo, you alright gorgeous?
(He manages half a smile back at Nan)
(Nan smashes plate onto the floor with considerable vigour)
NAN - Ooo, p*** off, son!
What a fakin' liberty!