"You use to much! You're gonna be dead before you twenty!"
"Stop ruling my life! It's not your choice what I do!"
"You risk us all! Are you trying to kill us or something?"
"O yeah? So you say cheating with pool is so much worse then a hummer tumbling out of thin air?"
"Don't be stupid!"
"Oh, I'm stupid? At the dells, you thought it'd be okay to cut across Marblehead and to land the car right behind the cops, but if I use just a little bit during pool, it's a disaster?"
"Reid…"
"Cut the shit, Caleb! You wanna act all mighty and powerful, go talk to your girlfriend! I bet she loves the whole 'taking control' thing. But leave me alone! I make my own rules, I live my own life. And I don't need anyone's advice. ESPECIALLY NOT FROM SOMEONE WHO'S FATHER HAS MADE ALL THOSE MISTAKES LONG BEFORE ME!"
"NO? WELL, ALRIGHT THEN! I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW AT SCHOOL THEN! The only reason I'm here is for your own good, so if you don't want my help, then fine! Do it on your own! But don't come crawling to me next time you need help!"
"FINE!"
I'm an idiot. I knew that, of course. Everyone reminded me of that little fact every day. Even baby boy, my best friend since I learned to talk, chose Caleb's side during our little war. Apparently, we are nothing beside brothers in the covenant. We aren't friends, we never were. At least, not me. They are, they love each other, they practically fuck each other.
No. No. They were right, I am a selfish bastard. I do need to use less. I do need to be nicer to people, to stop stealing baby boy's car, to stop blaming everyone for my mistakes…
But they were assholes to day, all teaming up against me. Ignoring me when I wanted to tell a joke, ignoring me when I asked for an answer, ignoring me no matter what I did.
Maybe I should've said sorry. That comment about Caleb's father had been out of line.
But he was asking for it. He was a jackass, telling me how to live my life, what I should or shouldn't do.
But he was just worried about me. I have been using a lot these past days. Maybe I should listen to him.
NO! No, I won't listen to the golden boy. He doesn't know anything, doesn't care about me. He will never understand what I need, what's best for me. He just won't.
The wind blew threw my hair as I looked down on the black ocean below me. It was beautiful, in a dangerous way. But I was drawn to it. It begged me to come, saying it wasn't that hard. And it wasn't. Just one step, one small movement, and I'd go to it. I imagined myself falling, like I had done so many times before. It would feel perfect, like it always did; the air rushing past you, watching the ground come closer, feeling like I was flying. But this time, I wouldn't use, just like Caleb had asked, no, commanded me. I would land like every ordinary human would; hard. It could be painful, but I doubted it. From this height, I probably wouldn't feel a thing. Everything would just stop. And then this would all be over.
It would be better for everyone, it would take their worry away. As Caleb had said, I would be dead before I hit twenty. So now, it would just take away the waiting time. They wouldn't have to watch me pine away; I'd just be gone, just like that.
I imagined tomorrow. My parents, eating their breakfast. The bell would ring, and my mom would be the one to open up. She always did everything in the morning, since my father was to tired to think about anything at that time of the day. The only reason he came out of his bed before twelve, was because my mom made the best coffee in the world.
So my mom would open the door. When she'd she the police officer, she'd probably think that I had done something stupid again. Only I hadn't, not this time. This would be the best decision I had ever made.
I imagined her crying, but still I knew this was the best way. Sometimes you needed to feel pain before you could feel better, in the words of my psychologist. Then my dad would come, hearing my moms sobs. He would hold her, ask the officer what is wrong. And then he'd hear it as well.
I imagined my funeral; everyone talking about what a great kid I was, how they never would have guessed. I would be remembered as a nice, normal kid who just lost his way for a second, like so many other teenagers. Wasn't that how I wanted to be remembered? Good, friendly, nice, but sad on the inside? Wasn't that better than the stupid, rebellious kid I was? Better then the idiotic addict that I would turn out to be?
I imagined my friends, with tears in their eyes. But they would get over it, I knew it. They would remember me as the friend that just couldn't do it any longer. They'd make new friends, they'd live on. They'd be happy, not having to worry about me any longer. Tyler no longer needed to copy my notes for me, or do my homework. Caleb no longer would have to get between me and Aaron during one of our stupid fights. Pogue no longer would have to worry about the safety of his Ducati. It would be better. For all of them. I knew that.
A squall hit me in the face, and I breathed in the salty air. A smile appeared on my face as my foot started to move forward. It hit nothing but air, and then I felt myself falling forward.
And then someone grabbed me, pulling me back, and I landed on my back on the ground.
"You alright?" I felt the fury starting to rise in me as I heard that question. No, I wasn't alright. I would've been, if he wouldn't have pulled me back.
No. Not he. My eyes found my 'savior', but it wasn't a he. It was a she. And a beautiful she.
Her hair was long and straight, flowing over her shoulders and nearly touching her hips. I couldn't really see her face in the dark, but her green eyes just seemed to spread light through the night. Her face looked pale, almost reflecting the moonlight, although a big part was hidden in the shadows of her hair. She was small, about 5,2, and she clearly wasn't my usual type, since she didn't posses the curves my previous 'girlfriends' had. But to me, she looked like an angel.
"No." I told her, after finally regaining my voice. "I'm not alright. I would've been, if you would've just allowed me to fall, so, if you don't mind…" I turned around again, walking back to the edge.
"If you jump, I'll go right after you!" Her comment surprised me, enough to make me turn around. For a second I just stared at her, trying to understand the soul behind those perfect green eyes.
"Why?" I finally asked, realizing those emeralds would never give me the answer. She shrugged.
"Well, for one, I couldn't live with the idea that someone killed himself in front of me and that I didn't do anything to stop him. Plus, I once read that you can save someone during a fall by making sure he falls on top of you, so I figured it'd be worth a shot." I blinked, staring at her for a few more seconds.
"That's crap." I finally said. "The only thing that'll do, is kill us both instead of just me." She shrugged again.
"You never know until you try!" I looked at her, holding my head in a forty-five degree angle, trying to figure out whether she was serious or not. Her look was so innocent, I could hardly imagine her lying. But still, she couldn't speak the truth. No one would jump for someone they didn't even know.
"But why would you risk your life for someone you don't even know?" This time she thought about it for a while, before answering.
"There you have a point. What's your name?" My eyes closed and opened again, before I could remember myself not to blink again. How could this girl surprise me with everything she said?
"Why?" She looked at me like that was the most stupid question ever.
"Well, usually the first step in getting to know someone is by learning his or her name. So what is it?"
"Reid." I answered before I could think about it. "Reid Garwin." She nodded softly, and I watched her lips move, forming my name, almost like she was tasting it.
"Reid. Garwin. Reid Garwin. Nice name. Do you have a middle name?" I shook my head, again without thinking about it. I wanted to ask her name, but for some reason, I couldn't bring my tongue to move.
She sat down on the edge, her feet sweeping through the air. I saw down beside her, feeling like it was the right thing to do. After all, jumping was possible ever second of my life. I could do it tomorrow, or just later, after she had left. Because she would leave, right? She wouldn't stay up all night, just so she could try to save someone she didn't even know. Or hardly knew, now.
"You're seventeen, go to Spencer, feel like no one knows the real you, keep fighting with your parents though you love them?" My mouth dropped open, causing her to giggle softly. Her finger went up, touching my chin and pushed it back in place.
"That looked cute." She giggled softly. The left corner of my mouth moved upwards in a small smile, before I remembered the reason for my mouth dropping open.
"How did you know that?" I asked her, not bothering to hide the astonishment in my voice.
"Oh, it's simple. Your clothes say you're rich, your looks say your about seventeen, and the fact you are a teenager sais you feel like no one knows you and stuff." She was clever, no denying that.
"You do realize it would be an insult to everyone with problems in this worlds if you'd jump, right?" My expression could only be described as a 'huh?' look. She understood it.
"I mean, think about the people in Africa. Everyday, they have to work as hard as they can, just so they can make a little bit money, just enough for one meal a day most of the time. They hardly have a future, hardly have any hope, and still they never give up. Then there are the people here in America. Some are abused, some are discriminated, some live in a neighborhood where you'd be lucky to hit twenty…. All of them have problems far worse than yours. Still, they don't give up."
"Some of them do!" I objected, trying to justify my reasons.
"Yeah." She continued. "But not all of them. Not most of them. And then here you are, a rich kid, who can do whatever he wants to, but instead just decides to give up and die. I mean, I know being rich ain't perfect, but it still beats being poor. You can do whatever you want to. You can go to college, marry a Stepford-wife, donate all your money to charity if you want… but no, you just want to kill yourself. That's real brave."
I glared at her, feeling the anger rise from within me. "You have no idea what it's like to be me. My parents expect me to be perfect every day, my friends only talk to me when I follow their rules, and I disappoint everyone I care about. And no one cares about me."
The fury in her eyes beat the anger within me. "Idiot. You have people who love you, you just don't want to see it. You just want to forget all the good things in your life so you can just let it go without feeling guilty. Do you have any idea how your parents will react when they have to identify your body in the morgue tomorrow? I've seen it, you know. People who lost their child… They will be blaming themselves forever, thinking they weren't good enough to you, thinking they could have stopped you if only they had paid more attention. And the same goes for your friends. They will never be the same again!"
I wanted to deny all of that, but I couldn't. I knew she was right. I knew that my friends really did care about me. That my parents, all my family, would be devastated if I'd die. But I didn't want to admit to that. I just wanted to die, to go crawl into a corner and never come out again. Because if the world wouldn't see me, it wouldn't be able to hurt me any more. That was all I wanted, and she was taking it away from me, word after word. And before I knew it, I was talking to her about everything I had kept inside of me for so long.
"Tyler is my best friend." I told her, and I knew she was listening to me, that she would keep on listening, no matter what I said. "He has always been there by my side. He has fought with me against my opponents, is always defending me… And I've never done anything for him. I just take advantage of him… of all my friends. I copy their homework, steal their notes, copy their answers during tests. Whenever I need to go somewhere, I steal Tyler's car, without thinking about him, without asking him. And every time, he tells me about how he wanted to go on a date, or needed to go see his mom or something, but every time he can't…because I took his car. But I just pretend not to listen, so he gives up. And then next time, I do the exact same thing again.
Caleb also is a great friend of mine, almost like a big brother. He always watches out for me, trying to keep me out of trouble, sometimes even taking the blame for something I did. But he also acts like the leader of us, so then he starts a huge rant about everything I do… and I just flip, and say things I never wanted to say. Like today, I made a comment about his father who died a while ago. But I just got so mad, because he accused me of something I hadn't even done, and he wouldn't even listen to me!"
"Did he have a good reason to suspect you?" I was surprised she didn't ask about the thing, but quickly put that thought away to think about the question. After all, she just wasn't the kind of person to say the normal things.
"Yeah." I finally admitted. "He did. But it would've been nice if he would've listened to me!" She nodded thoughtfully.
"Well, he sort of is the leader, right? He's probably just watching out for you, like he always does. Just go to him tomorrow, apologize for what you said and explain to him, in a normal way, that you didn't do what he accused you of." I looked at her, surprised by how simple she made it sound.
"He won't forgive me. I was a jackass. I even said I didn't need him any more." She rolled her eyes, making me feel like a retarded person.
"He's your friend, Reid. You said it yourself. Friends don't just give up on each other. You both were mad, and you both said stuff you didn't mean. Just apologize, it'll be fine." I smiled softly as I let her words carry my worries away.
"Yeah. You're right." She grinned triumphantly. And I continued the story of my life.
"I tread girls like dirt. I just fuck them and leave them. Sometimes, they come to me, begging me to date them again, practically crying. You know what I do? I tell them they were a good fuck, but nothing more. I've never, ever, had a relationship longer than a week." She thought about that, and then shrugged.
"That one is simple. Apologizing probably won't do much good, but try it anyway. Then, just stop sleeping with people unless you really like someone. Plus, college is coming up. So soon, you'll be able to start a whole new life. Maybe that life will even include a nice girlfriend."
That wasn't the most original advice, but some way, she made it sound like the most genius thing ever. This meeting so far had gone better than all my sessions with my psychologist in the past three years.
"Everyone can change, Reid, as long as you want it enough. The fact that you didn't jump when I said I'd follow you, proves that you aren't as bad as you make yourself out to be. And, as annoying as it may sound, you are a teenager. Right now is the time you have to figure yourself out, to realize who you are and want to be. And I mean what I said: There are people in this world with problems way bigger than yours. So if they can handle it, so can you."
I looked at her, my eyes filled with hesitation. "But what for?" I asked her softly. "I can't just live for living itself." She looked at me, finally giving me full access through her emerald eyes. I could see her pain, but also her hope, and it was her hope that filled me.
"You will find a purpose. You just have to keep on looking. And don't forget that not everyone is meant to save the world. A purpose can just as well mean becoming a lawyer as a genius doctor who saves every patient in his waiting room. And who knows, maybe you'll even turn out to be president someday." I laughed softly, and she laughed along. It sounded like bells.
"There are camps that go to developing countries, to help there with something. Maybe you could join one of those. Just think about something, find a girlfriend, talk to your friends. And don't forget that the people who love you now, will never let you down. You can tell them about your pain. It'll be easier than you think, you'll see." I smiled up at her, but that smile disappeared when she moved to stand up.
"Wait!" I called out for her. She turned around, looking at me with patient in her eyes. The questions in my eyes fought to come out, but for some reason I knew I only had one question to ask. And there was only one I really needed to know, all the others I could answer myself.
"What's your name?" The left corner of her mouth turned up, much like mine had done before. I looked at the half-smile on her face, and suddenly noticed the blood on her lip. Before I could ask after it, however, she opened her mouth and I was enchanted again.
"You can call me Grace." She told me softly. And then she vanished into the darks woods behind her. It was too late to ask her if she needed a ride. Too late to ask her where the blood came from. She was just gone.
I don't know how long I sat there, waiting for the sun to rise, but finally it did. And as I watched the light move over the sea, chasing the darkness away, I suddenly realized something.
Even in the dark, there are stars who shine.
She was my star, falling down from heaven to show me the light in the night. And I knew I would find out who she was, where she came from.
A soft smile graced my lips as I walked back to the hummer. I started the car and drove back to the dorms, where I parked the car. After that, I walked back home, despite the fact that took me over an hour.
My parents greeted me, slightly surprised, as they saw me the next morning, when they came down for breakfast. Breakfast that was completely ready, made by me and standing on the table.
We talked, mostly about school. I wasn't ready to tell them everything just yet. After that, I called Tyler, Caleb and Pogue, inviting them for a movie night. As soon as they arrived, I allowed them to pick the movie. We all sat down to watch Hot Fuss. But before I could start the movie, I saw a picture on the news that looked all to familiar. As I turned on the sound, I listened to the reporter. My friends all looked at me, as I finally put the pieces together. The reason she seemed so offended when she told me about all the people with problems in the world. The fact she was willing to kill herself, just to try and save me. The blood on her lip. The reason she came to a cliff in the middle of the night.
The story was just another news article, no matter how sad it was. A seventeen year old girl, Grace Williams, was murdered in her own house by her drunk father, Matt Williams, who had killed himself right after that. The neighbors had called the police after hearing screaming.
I now knew her name, her address, the name of her father, the history of the blood on her lips… I knew the answer to all my questions.
"Reid?" Caleb's voice was worried as he tried to wake me from my trance. I turned around to my friends, my face as pale as a ghost.
You can tell them about your pain. It'll be easier than you think, you'll see.
"Caleb, I'm sorry about what I said yesterday. I'm sorry that I acted like a jackass for all these years. And there's something I need to tell you."
After all, they were my brothers. And what's family for?