A/N: This isn't going to be my best piece of writing, but I had it all finished and it felt wrong not to share. This is post 3x09. No spoilers. Totally me making things up.
----
Serena's cluttered cubicle at Congressman Tripp Vanderbilt's office is a far cry from the private office she had at her old job. And that's kind of why she loves it. She feeds off the energy of others - always has - and it's nice to be in a room full of people all working toward the same common goal. That goal is to make Tripp the most well-liked congressman in the state, and so far they aren't doing so bad.
She avoids him a little bit, because she can still feel his fingertips on her wrist and see that look in his eyes. It's one she's seen often from men. It's one that somehow says I want you without them ever having to utter the words. That look, she's come to realize over the years, is one she receives most often from men who are married. It's not a surprise that they don't say the words out loud, but she's not sure it's exactly any more admirable. She still hears it all loud and clear anyway.
And yes, Blair was right. Tripp is married. Happily, Serena thinks. Her silly crush on him and his silly crush on her are just that; silly. She's not going to act on it, and she's going to make sure he doesn't. She's got a little less to think about than he does, like rings and all that, but she has a friend in Nate (she thinks she can call him that again) who wouldn't forgive her, and a best friend who doesn't take too kindly to cheating, not that Serena can blame her. And she doesn't want to get caught up in another toxic relationship. It seems like every relationship she's had has been that way to some degree, and she's tired of it.
She just wants something real. Something honest. Something with no hidden histories and no roadblocks and no underlying sense of 'we shouldn't be doing this.'
She's starting to realize that isn't too much to ask.
She's just gotten off the phone with a reporter at the Times when she hears heels clacking against the tile floor and sees no other than her best friend walking towards her desk. Blair looks a little offended on Serena's behalf, that she's stuck in this room with 25 other people. She holds her bag in the crook of her arm, her black trench coat cinched at the waist and her hair pulled into a perfect bun, a headband holding her bangs in place flawlessly. It's a sharp juxtaposition to Serena's slim black dress pants, silk blouse, and her hair left down in her trademark waves. She's started dressing more conservatively at the office, for no other reason than she wants to be taken seriously and she realizes her long legs and long hair and bright smile keep people from seeing that she's actually quite good at what she does.
"Hey Blair. What are you doing here?" Serena asks, gesturing to the wire framed chair across from her desk. Blair eyes it wearily and decides to stand.
"I have a brilliant idea," Blair states.
"You always have brilliant ideas," Serena says, a hint of sarcasm in her voice, but ultimately knowing that it's kind of true.
"Thank you. Now that you're living in the Waldorf penthouse again, I've decided there's a final stage in our making up that needs to be executed. Tonight," Blair announces.
Serena grins, looking just a little skeptical, but she's so happy that they're even talking that she just clasps her hands on her desk. "And what stage is this?"
"A sleepover," Blair says, decidedly stubborn, like there is no way Serena is getting out of it. Really, there isn't.
"A sleepover? Blair, we're almost 19," Serena says, trying not to laugh.
"So? What have we always done after a fight, S?" Blair asks. Before Serena can answer, she's supplying the appropriate response. "We've had a sleepover, chocolate croissants for breakfast the next day, and we've talked about boys. Now that I've got my boy and we need to find one for you, that conversation will go a little differently, but...Nonetheless," she says with a flick of her wrist. "Tonight at 7:00. I'll work everything out. You just show up ready to have fun with your always best friend and sister."
"The fabulous Blair Waldorf?" Serena asks, mostly teasingly.
"See? You do understand. I'll see you tonight," Blair says.
She's walking away before Serena can even shake her head. Blair pokes her head into Tripp's office and says a quick hello, then her Manolos are taking her past Serena's colleagues and out of the building. All Serena can think is that maybe an old-fashioned sleepover is exactly what she needs to take her mind off Tripp and work and everything else that's gone on in the last few months.
And spending a little time with her best friend without anyone else around seems like a perfect way to do that.
----
Chuck walks into Nate's apartment in the afternoon, only to find Nate sitting on the sofa, a pencil behind his ear and a highlighter in his hand. Chuck has never been more happy that he didn't choose to go to college. He knows how hard Nate has to study, and even Blair, when she's not busy scheming, has a lot of work to tend to. Chuck's work is just as intense, only it's a different kind of work. The kind you get paid for. In his eyes, that makes it a million times better.
"Nathaniel."
"Hey," Nate says distractedly. "What's up?"
"What's up is that you and I have the night to take advantage of the fact that I can get us into any establishment in Manhattan," Chuck says, smirking in accomplishment as he takes a seat in the chair across from Nate. "And aren't you finished with your midterms? Why do you have books open?"
"I'm getting a head start on the next..."
"No, you're not," Chuck says seriously. "You're turning into a scholar, Nathaniel, and it's not becoming." Nate laughs and shakes his head. "What do you say? Dinner at Craft?"
"Where's Blair?" Nate asks, finally setting down his book.
"Contrary to popular belief, she and I can, and do, spend evenings apart." Nate rolls his eyes, and Chuck continues. "She and Serena are bonding."
"Those two need to bond?" Nate laughs.
Chuck grins and leans back in his chair. "It's a ritual of sorts. Now, should I call the maitre 'd?"
"You know what? Yes. I need a break from this," Nate admits, gesturing to the mess of books on his coffee table.
Chuck gets a gleam in his eyes that Nate has seen countless times before, most recently when he fished through his girlfriend's purse and 'stole' her phone. It's his plotting face. Nate doesn't know what the plot is this time, but he sincerely hopes his part in it is minimal. Kind of like last time, when all he had to do was put on a tux and deliver a note card to Blair.
"What?" he asks wearily.
"They're having a slumber party," Chuck states. "Well, it's just the two of them, so it's not much of a party. I'm thinking we could make it one."
"You want to crash their ritual?" Nate sounds skeptical before he starts laughing. "Do you know Blair at all?"
"I know Blair can't stay mad at me, and I know that it's been far, far too long since the four of us were all together."
Nate nods and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "That's true."
"So I say we do go to dinner together, give them some time, and then see what it is those two do at these sleepovers," Chuck says slyly. Nate laughs even harder, remembering his conversation with Dan from the morning prior. "What?"
"Nothing. Just...sleepovers are...Let's just say Serena and Blair aren't the only ones having them."
"Do tell," Chuck says, clearly intrigued by where this conversation is going.
Nate proceeds to tell Chuck all about Dan's little escapade, and Chuck looks infinitely impressed, commenting that he didn't know Humphrey had it in him. Then promptly agrees with Nate that Dan has dug himself a hole that'll be hard to climb out of. He almost sounds compassionate, and when Nate calls him on it, Chuck merely rolls his eyes and says that in some twisted way he and Dan are almost family. Nate wonders how it's possible that they've all grown up so fast in such a short amount of time.
Then they're on their way to the restaurant in the back of Chuck's limo, and they're being escorted through the door and past the people waiting for tables, because That's Chuck Bass, as people are whispering, and Nate just tags along as he's known to do. He's got his own bit of 'fame' now, since his public press conference to help his cousin win the election, but Chuck is infamous. And Nate is proud of him.
When Chuck suggests after dinner that they get a bottle of champagne and some rich chocolates to take to the girls, Nate laughs and asks if it's more a peace offering than anything, and Chuck's answer is both funny and true.
"They're women, Nathaniel. Chocolate will always help."
----
"How are we out of chocolate?" Serena asks in horror, rifling through the empty Godiva box before tossing it on the floor.
They're sitting in their pajamas, satin on both of them; shorts and a camisole on Serena and a chocolate brown slip on Blair. They sit with their legs tucked beneath them, facing one another on what is now Serena's bed, the candles in the room giving light, and Breakfast at Tiffany's playing, but they're not really paying attention to the movie. They've talked about Chuck, Carter and Tripp, and even Nate a little bit. Blair admitted that Nate's scheme was kind of impressive, and Serena threw a chopstick at her, leftover after their dinner of sushi.
"I don't know, but it's probably for the best," Blair says, taking a sip of her water.
"It is never best to be out of chocolate, B. Never," Serena says seriously before they both start giggling.
It feels so good to just be friends again. Not to have to worry about who loves who more or who does what for whom. They're best friends, and they both know, contrary to recent behaviour and belief, they'll each do anything for the other. It feels amazing for Serena to have someone else other than Carter, who's long gone, know about her search for her father. It feels good for Blair to have someone, other than Chuck, to talk to who'll truly understand her craving to be queen of whatever circle she's in.
Blair abruptly reaches out and grasps Serena's wrist, her nails digging into her friend's skin. "Did you hear that?"
"What?"
"Noise. The elevator, I think," Blair whispers.
"B, there's no one here," Serena says, waving her hand in the air. "When did you become so paranoid?"
"I live in a dormitory, Serena," Blair says. "My eavesdropping skills have evolved out of necessity."
They hear footsteps, and they look at one another worriedly. "Who is that?" Serena whispers.
"I don't know! I thought you locked the door!" Blair hisses.
"I thought you locked it!" Serena argues. They both stand and look around the room, then rush towards the bathroom door, closing it quietly and locking it behind them. Serena starts giggling, clamping her free hand, the one not being crushed by Blair's, over her mouth. Blair glares at her and presses her ear to the door. "This is ridiculous!"
"Shh!"
"We're adults and we're hiding in a bathroom because we heard footsteps!" Serena manages. She doesn't know how she keeps her voice down, but she does.
"I can't hear with you talking!" Blair snaps. The footsteps grow louder, and Serena moves a little closer to Blair.
Chuck and Nate walk into the room and see a rumpled bed, candles lit, and a movie playing. There's an empty Godiva box on the floor and Chuck glances at Nate, smirking triumphantly; always a good idea to bring chocolate, his gaze says. The only thing missing is the girls. They share a look, Nate shrugs his shoulders, then walks over to the bathroom door as Chuck looks into the hall again. Nate knocks softly and a little startled shriek comes from the other side of the door. He's heard that shriek before.
"Serena?" he says through the wood.
"Nate?" comes her muffled voice.
"Where's Blair?" Chuck asks.
The door opens and both girls step out of the bathroom. The guys laugh, knowing exactly what's happened, and Blair balls her fist and punches Nate's chest on her way over to her boyfriend.
"You scared us," Serena admits, wrapping her arms around herself.
"What are you doing here?" Blair asks Chuck seriously as he kisses her temple and runs his hand down her back.
"We brought gifts," Chuck says, smiling as he points to the chilled champagne and golden box on the desk in the room.
"Chocolate!" Serena cries happily, rushing over and pulling the ribbon off the box.
Nate smiles as he watches her, all legs and hair and shimmering blue satin covering her tanned skin. Even if he's supposed to be, or trying to be, or wants to be mad at her, she's still so gorgeous it's not even fair. And he's not really mad at her. That phase has passed, especially after hearing more about her relationship with Carter from Chuck. He knows now how much that had to hurt her, to have him all but run Carter out of town. But he hurt just a little bit too, because apparently Serena loved Carter. Nate's always gotten a little jealous when Serena has loved someone other than him.
"So what's up?" she asks casually after biting into a truffle. It's clear she has no problem with the boys crashing the party.
"The way we see it, it's been too long since we all hung out," Nate explains, looking at Serena. She smiles, and he thinks all is forgiven. He wonders if her smile has always been capable of such feats.
"It has been a while," Blair concedes.
"And we had a nice evening, and I can tell you two did," Chuck continues. "So I think it's only fitting that we spend the rest of the night together." He grins in Nate's direction. "In a purely platonic way, for the most part."
Nate shakes his head, and Serena looks at him, confused. He doesn't say anything, and she seemingly forgets about the underlying meaning in Chuck's words when Blair reaches for the bottle of champagne. It appears she's on board with the whole idea of the evening as well.
"One thing," she says as Chuck takes the bottle from her hands to open. "We're in our pajamas and you two aren't, and that's just not fair."
"Sweetheart, we don't have pajamas," Chuck reminds her.
Serena smiles at Blair as they both reach for more chocolate. "Good thing I rescued some of Daddy's things before my mother threw them away," Blair says, smiling at her own deviance. She disappears into the closet and comes out holding two sets of cashmere pajamas, one navy blue and one a deep brown. Serena rolls her eyes as she smiles. She knows Blair chose those two sets on purpose. So they'll all match. "Nate, blue for you."
"Thanks," he mumbles as he shakes his head. He looks at Serena and she's smiling at him again. He'd forgotten what that feels like. "I'll head into your little refuge shelter and change."
It's Serena who hits him this time, and he laughs until the door is closed behind him. Serena excuses herself and goes off in search of champagne flutes so that Chuck can change without her there.
She thinks it's kind of fun that the guys have come over. They're right, it has been too long. She almost can't remember the last time they were all together, just the four of them. It makes her a little sad to think that it might have been when they were dealing with her whole Pete crisis. Sure, there may have been little moments here or there between then and now, but nothing like this. Nothing like the four of them just hanging out with no crisis or distractions, and no other boyfriends or girlfriends around.
"So how's working with Tripp?"
She jumps, and she's thankful that she doesn't have the Waterford in her hands yet. "Nate! I swear, if you scare me one more time tonight..."
"Sorry," he says with a laugh. "When'd you get so jumpy?"
"Whatever. You're the one creeping around the place," she tells him. He smiles and bows his head. He looks at her again, and there's a moment there where he looks so much like the 15 year old boy she knew, all vulnerable and cute, and she doesn't know what to say. But then he blinks and crosses his arms, and he's Nate again, this Nate, and she thinks she might like him just as much as she always did. Which is a lot, for the record. "Right. Tripp," she says, pulling herself back into reality. "It's good, you know? I'm...I feel like it's kind of...real. Does that make sense? Probably not."
"No, it does," he says, smiling at her cute rambling. "It feels like you're doing something worthwhile."
"Yeah."
"I felt the same way," he says. She smiles again, and he can't help but smile back. The truth is, he's just a little jealous that his cousin gets to see her every day now.
"Serena! Glasses!" Blair barks down the stairs.
"Okay, how is that girl afraid of anything or anyone?" Nate jokes.
She thrusts two glasses into his hands and takes two more in hers, then they head for the stairs. "How would you and Chuck feel if she and I prowled into your place?" she asks, glancing at him over her shoulder.
"Pretty lucky, probably," he says quietly. She stops walking and turns around, and he's on the step below hers looking up at her with a little grin on his face. She wonders if he meant to say what he said, or if it just slipped out. It doesn't really matter, she realizes.
"Good answer," she says before turning around again, her hair hitting his face as he shakes his head.
It's not good for him to be this close to her and have this view, her walking up the stairs in front of him. But then he realizes that there's nothing coming between them now. He owes her an apology and she owes him one, but other than that there's nothing stopping him from being attracted to her. And he's so attracted to her. He thinks it's impossible not to be. From what he's heard, she's over Carter, or at least over him enough that it won't make Nate a jerk for trying to at least talk to her about...
About what? What's he going to do? Is he going to go up to her and ask her how she feels about him? No. No he's not. But it bugs him that they've never been honest with each other about their feelings, not ever. Not since they were seven and he helped her cut paper snow flakes to decorate her bedroom before Christmas and she happily told him she loved him when they finished hanging up the last of them. She threw her skinny arms around his neck and breathed the words into his ear. He gets goosebumps just thinking about it. He wants to go back in time and tell his seven-year-old self not to let anything come between them.
He doesn't know if he loves her. That's an intense feeling that he doesn't know if he has ever really felt. But of all the girls he's ever known, he's felt the most for her. Even if that's not love, it certainly stands for a lot. Maybe everything.
"Oh God," Serena mumbles as she walks into the bedroom. Chuck is feeding Blair a piece of chocolate. Blair giggles at Serena's words, and Chuck looks completely unapologetic. "Can you two maybe...not do that for the night?"
"At least until lights out," Chuck says, kinking his brow. Blair looks at him, shaking her head, and Serena rushes towards the bed. She flops down on her stomach and reaches for another chocolate. "Nathaniel, pour, would you?"
Nate does as he's asked and it's no surprise to anyone when he hands Serena the first glass. Those two always did play favourites. The difference now is that Chuck's not too selfish to notice, and Blair's not too 'in love' with Nate to accept it. Chuck and Blair share a glance, one that, since they know one another so well, they both know means that maybe they need a little plan to get Nate and Serena back on the same page. First Nate and Chuck got Serena and Blair back together, and now it's time for the foursome to become two twosomes.
"Toast?" Serena suggests, moving so she's sitting up with her knees tucked beneath her.
"To..." Blair starts.
"To the four of us," Chuck says simply, glancing at his friends. He raises his glass, but Blair places her hand on his wrist.
"And matching pajamas," she adds, making she and Serena giggle.
"Just like when we were kids!" Serena cries happily. "Except Blair always wanted to match with Nate, and Chuck would never change, so I had to match my pajamas to his."
"And you two always slept in the middle of the bed with Chuck and I on the outside," Nate says. "So we all got mixed up anyway."
"Can you believe how cute we were?" Serena asks rhetorically, she and Blair laughing as the blonde rests her head on her best friend's shoulder.
"Can we drink?" Chuck asks, feigning irritation. Serena raises her glass first, clinking it against everyone else's, then giggling again after they all take sips. "I must say, sis, you're looking awfully happy right now."
"She's eaten a pound of chocolate," Blair says, and Serena rolls her eyes. "And she's got a fabulous job and a wonderful best friend."
"Yes, yes, and yes," Serena says.
"And a crush," Blair adds quietly, drinking from her glass to avoid Serena's eyes.
"Oh really?" Chuck asks. He notices Nate isn't particularly thrilled with the turn this conversation has taken. "So we're over Carter Baizen, are we?"
"I am not talking about this," Serena declares. "Especially not with you." She glares at Chuck and he gives his most innocent look which, not surprisingly, is not convincing in the least. She shimmies a little closer to Nate, almost like he'll protect her or something. "And it's not a crush."
She doesn't know why she felt the need to add it, but maybe it's because she's never really been able to lie to these people. This one person in particular. This one person sitting next to her, smelling like cologne and fresh air and deodorant. She suddenly, or maybe not so suddenly, doesn't want him to think she's interested in someone, least of all his own cousin.
Because the more she sits here with Nate, remembering what it's like to just be around him without animosity or stress or anything else, the more she's starting to think that any attraction she ever had to Tripp was nothing more than misplace affection for Nate. She couldn't have Nate, or she didn't have Nate, and Tripp would appear, and she could act the same way around him as she always had around Nate, simply because she'd known him so long. She didn't have to hide herself away.
But that doesn't mean it was real. She thinks that any feelings she had for Tripp, she probably would rather have had for Nate.
"If it's not a crush, what is it?" Chuck asks. Blair scowls at him, but he's unfazed. "What? We're all friends here."
"It's nothing. Honestly," Serena insists. It's convincing. Mostly because it's the truth.
"You're Serena van der Woodsen," Chuck says, like it's a badge of honour. "If you had a crush, you'd act on it. Unless there are...extenuating circumstances."
"Chuck," Serena warns him.
"Oh right. We know from past experience that you don't necessarily..."
"Chuck. Stop it," Blair says firmly. "She says it's nothing, so it's nothing."
"You brought it up," Chuck points out.
It's not lost on any of them that Nate's the only one who hasn't weighed in on the matter.
"Know what we should do?" Serena asks, almost giddily. Nate laughs. It's still amazing to him how she can switch gears from sad or upset to happy in approximately two seconds.
"What's that?" Nate asks. Her eyes meet his, looking all mischievous and sexy. He thinks he might do whatever she suggests.
What the hell is wrong with him? He's a grown man, and he's reduced to a fool in front of this girl. Maybe that was okay when he was ten or eleven, but it's not okay now. Especially not when they haven't talked about their fight or whatever it was, and she's apparently feeling something for someone else. He thinks that last one is more important than the first one, but maybe the first one could erase the second one. Maybe if they talk out their problems, she'll stop feeling for someone else.
And start feeling for him.
He can't pinpoint the moment he realized he wanted her to feel things for him. He thinks that might be because he's always wanted her to feel things for him.
"Do you have any weed?" she asks, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Serena!" Blair cries, aghast. "You can't do that!"
"Why not?" she asks with a shrug.
"Um, because you work in government," Blair reminds her. "And you never know when granddaddy Vanderbilt is going to subject employees to a random drug test. Or family members, for that matter, so Nate's out."
"Oh come on," Serena whines. "For old times sake!"
"Old times like last year?" Nate says with a laugh. Serena rolls her eyes.
"Fine," she says, pouting just a little bit. "Truth or dare?"
"Our truths would scare you," Chuck says cheekily. "And dares are always boring."
"So what are we going to do?" Nate asks.
"What did we used to do?" Serena looks around at her friends, and they all start laughing. "What?"
"We spent a lot of time trying to look after you, Serena," Nate offers gently. Her jaw drops, but he raises his brow and she mulls it over for a second. She thinks he may be right.
"Well, I don't need to be taken care of anymore," she states confidently, jutting her chin forward defiantly.
"Says the girl who wanted to get high while drinking champagne," Chuck says, his brow raised. They all knew that was a deadly combination for her and always had been. "We could just...talk."
They don't exactly go around in a circle and catch the others up on their lives, but they might as well. Nate tells all about Bree and school and working on Tripp's campaign. He leaves out the part about he and Serena's dabble in illegal, underground poker games since he knows everyone knows about that anyway. He says he's been spending a lot of time hanging out with Dan, and Chuck smirks into his champagne flute, but says nothing about the story he was told earlier. Blair talks about school, admits that she actually likes NYU and the classes she's taking. She talks about her new 'minions', and Serena tells Blair that sometimes you fit in best when you're not trying to fit in. Nate concurs, reminding Blair that she's always excelled when things come naturally to her; that maybe she needs to just focus on school and not worry about the rest of it. Serena says that maybe independence is the new queen-status, and Blair rolls her eyes, but she's smiling, because she actually loves them for caring so much. Chuck goes on about business deals and things that he knows no one else will entirely understand, but they're eager to listen and learn, and after a glass and a half of champagne, Serena tells him how proud she is of him. He jokes that one more glass and she'll be calling him 'bro', and she messes up his hair just to show him that they can still press each others' buttons. She starts talking about her jobs, former and present, and how crazy it is not to be in school, but how she knows that was the right choice for her. She doesn't talk about Carter, because she doesn't want to. Blair knows everything, Chuck knows bits and pieces, and she doesn't want Nate to know anything more than he does.
It's after 2:00 when the bottle is empty and they've all got heavy eyes from working or going to school during the day. Serena tucks herself into her bed, though her friends are all still sitting atop it, and she smiles sleepily at them.
"What?" Nate asks with a laugh. She looks adorable, just her head poking out from the Egyptian cotton sheets and navy blue duvet.
"Look at us," she giggles. "We still act like we used to."
"Minus the pot," Blair says, shooting a glance to Nate.
"And you two fighting over the same boy," Chuck adds. Serena laughs as Blair sighs and scowls at her boyfriend.
"And there's that," Serena says. She yawns and stretches her legs out, accidentally hitting Nate's hip with her foot. She doesn't move it, and he smiles over at her only to find her smiling at him. "I'm sleepy."
"Good thing tomorrow's Saturday," Blair says as she stands. "We'll take the master. Nate, the other guest room is kind of storage right now or something, but..."
"I can take a couch," he says, shrugging his shoulder.
"What?" Serena asks incredulously. "Nate, just stay in here."
"No, I'll..." Nate tries.
"Perfect!" Blair chirps as she heads for the door. "'Night! Breakfast is at 8:30."
The door closes, leaving Nate and Serena alone in a room still dimly lit by candles. Serena vaguely hears Chuck say, "that should be interesting."
Nate knows, as he's sure Serena does, that this is a total setup. But he also knows that if Blair is pushing them together like this, then it's clear she doesn't have a problem with he and Serena. Not that there is a he and Serena. But if there were to be one, Blair wouldn't be adverse to it. But he's getting far, far ahead of himself.
She flings back the covers and he smiles as he moves to lay next to her. She's on her side, her hand tucked up under her cheek as he gets comfortable.
"Hi," she says softly, smiling at him.
"Hi."
"You know I'm sorry, right?" she says, like he should know it and she just wants to make sure.
He laughs quietly. "Yeah. I am too."
She sighs dramatically and moves a little closer to him. "Glad we got that out of the way."
"That easy, huh?" he asks with a smirk.
Her eyes lock with his, and all she wants is for him to just touch her somewhere. Put his hand on her hip or her waist so she can feel what it's like to have his skin on hers again. She misses him that way. It's strange, really, since she only ever properly had him that way once, and all those other touches were through layers of clothing or in innocent places. She never thought she'd be nostalgic for the night she slept with her best friend's boyfriend.
But she never really thought of it that way. She's always just thought of it as the night she slept with the boy she maybe always loved.
"It's always easy with us," she almost whispers. He starts laughing. "What?"
"Serena, we are just about the furthest thing from easy," he tells her. She smiles and buries her face in her hands.
He's right. They've never had it easy. The connection is easy, and the two of them, whatever they are, is easy. It's the getting to something more that feels impossible; trying to define what they are and what that connection means. The way she's talking and looking at him tells him that maybe by some strange fluke, they're in the same place at the same time feeling the same things. That's never happened before. Not when they could really let it happen.
"So this crush," he says quietly, looking at the space between them instead of at her.
"I don't have one."
"Serena," he says. It's like he's begging her to tell him the truth.
"It was a stupid thing that would never, ever in a million years happen. I don't even want it to," she says. "I promise."
"Well, you don't have to promise," he laughs.
"I just want you to know."
"Okay," he says. He shifts a little, groans in discomfort. "Sorry. I hate sleeping in shirts. Do you mind if I..."
"Nate, I've seen you without your shirt on. Not exactly torture," she says jokingly.
But it's not a joke. He's so...Nate. He's just perfect. Point proven when he shrugs off the cashmere shirt he's been wearing and tosses it across the room. He lays down again, closer to her this time, and she doesn't know why he does it (neither does he) but he opens his arm and she smiles as she moves so she's pressed against his side, her head resting on his chest.
They're quiet because he's wondering how they've gone from not speaking to laying in bed together in a matter of just a day (or whatever; he thinks their fight was over long before today, even if they didn't admit it to one another). She's got one of her hands on his stomach, her skin warm on his, and he can smell the last bit of perfume on her skin. He can feel her breath on his chest, and he fights the urge to kiss her when she sighs softly and relaxes against him. He doesn't exactly know what's happening, but he doesn't want it to end.
"Do you remember kissing?" she asks quietly.
"I've heard of it," he teases.
"I mean me," she says, squeezing his side a little bit. "Do you remember kissing me?"
"I think anyone who's ever kissed you remembers kissing you." She smiles against his skin and he runs his hand over her shoulder. "Of course I do."
"That was fun."
He laughs. Fun is just one of many words he'd use to describe it. "Which time?"
"All of them," she says, giggling a little bit. She sits up abruptly, her hair falling to one side of her head as she looks down at him.
"What?" he asks, unnerved.
"Am I crazy, or...Or does it feel sometimes like you and I are..." She stops talking, gets frustrated when she can't find the right words. "I don't know. Like it's supposed to be Chuck and Blair, and you and me?"
"I think in a lot of ways it always was," he says casually. Good God, his heart is racing. Is there any possible way he's making this up in his head? He wonders if it's some crazy dream.
"Maybe," she admits, smiling at him. "I just think of the stuff they went through to be together. And it makes me think that...that maybe all the stuff we went through will..."
"Be the stuff we went through to be together?" he suggests, hoping with everything in him that he isn't jumping to conclusions. She nods her head and he sits up so he's facing her. "Well, is that what you want?"
"Is that what you want?" she replies.
"I asked you first."
"Nate!" she laughs. She loves that even their serious conversations can make her laugh. He raises his brow expectantly, and she places her hand over his. "Sometimes I think it's what I want."
"And the other times?" he asks tentatively.
"The other times, you're dating someone else." She says it quietly, like it's one of those things she doesn't want to say and will only say to him. "And I know that's not really fair, since I've been with other people, and..Ugh! I don't know Nate."
He actually smiles at her. They've never had a conversation like this one. Probably the closest was when she first came back to New York after being away and she broke his heart with a simple phrase. 'I didn't come back for you.' He can still hear her staying it. He still doesn't know if she was lying or not.
"Right now, this second, what do you want?" he asks seriously.
"Right now?" She bites her lip and he nods at her. He's holding his breath hoping this conversation isn't going to ruin everything again. "Right now I want you. And not just because you're not wearing a shirt."
He laughs and shakes his head. "Not just because? Partly because?" She rolls her eyes and tries not to laugh. "Because...I mean, if that helps, I'll just never put a shirt on."
She shoves him a little and he pulls her towards him so she's all wrapped up in his arms, and it's then that she realizes what he's just said. In some twisted, backwards, really cute way, he's told her that he wants to be with her and maybe he'll do anything to make that happen.
"I want you too," he says quietly, his lips right next to her ear. She's sure her smile is abnormally big. Her heart is racing. He notices. "What the hell just happened?"
She giggles and pulls away a little bit. "I honestly don't know."
"I think we just had an honest conversation about our feelings," he says. He twines their fingers together and they both look down at their joined hands. "We never do that."
"No," she says. "But we've never gotten together, either. Not really. Not..."
"Not like this," he finishes, sensing she was too afraid to jump to that conclusion. She smiles again, something he wants her to never stop doing. "Hey, know how you asked me about kissing?"
She laughs as he pushes her back onto the bed so she's laying down with half his weight on her. Their smiles match right before he presses his lips to hers, and of all the kisses he's ever had, only one girl's - this girl's - make him feel like he could have this kind of kiss for the rest of his life. No one else's.
But he doesn't say anything when he pulls away and she looks up at him with ocean blue eyes, silently asking him why he's stopped. Their kisses grow in intensity and he keeps quiet, because he has a strong feeling that they've got a lot of time to talk about all that.
Maybe this is the continuation of that really good thing they started all those years ago when they lay together in clashing pajamas, holding hands beneath the covers as they slept.
-Fin-