Many many thanks to The Antic Repartee for helping me edit this, as well as contributing lots of ideas and dialogue to it, too! It wouldn't have ended up this funny without your help! :D

"Guess what, Ruffnut?" Tuffnut cried as he flung open the door to the house, sauntering inside with his arms spread wide and a devious grin on his face. Ruffnut frowned and looked up from folding the laundry. "Your secret's out! I wouldn't be surprised if word hasn't spread to the entire village by now."

Ruffnut's eyes grew wide, and her face began to burn. She threw down the tunic she'd been folding and stomped up to her brother, bringing herself so close to his face that their noses almost touched.

"Snotlout spilled shit, didn't he?" she spat, clenching her teeth as she said the words. Tuffnut only held that clearly amused grin of his and chuckled. Ruffnut balled her fists and shook them violently at her side. "Did you SAY anything to ANYONE?"

"Well, who wouldn't?" Tuffnut calmly replied with a shrug, stepping back a bit. "Lout and I both figured it'd humor the village to hear that the girl who insisted all her life that she'd never have children is actually pregnant."

"Ugh, damn you to HEL, Tuffnut Thorston!" Ruffnut screamed, stamping her foot and turning on her heel. She grabbed fistfuls of her hair as she began to pace the floor. A billion thoughts scrambled through her head all at once, and yet all she could think was– "Does Hiccup know yet? Did anyone tell him?" She narrowed her eyes at her brother. "WELL?"

"To be honest with you, I really don't think so," he said, rubbing his stubbly chin. "I think everyone expects you to be the one to tell him, so no one's said anything to him." Ruffnut sank back into the chair she'd been folding laundry in, setting her jaw and focusing her attention on the wall opposite of her brother. Tuffnut folded his arms across his chest. "Looks like you'll have to do the job yourself. She who gets herself into the mess gets herself out of it."

She shot her gaze back at him. "Yeah, you're one to talk," she grumbled. "You killed your own marriage by getting Astrid pregnant before you two actually got married, and now you want nothing to do with the kid you obviously wanted so badly." Tuffnut rolled his eyes and his shoulders slumped.

"Oh, for the love of Thor, listen to yourself," he retorted. "You just went and did the same thing. You didn't want a baby, did you? Just the thrill of sex. Nothing more." He raised an eyebrow, setting his eyes intently on his sister's ever-reddening face. "There. You can't get on my case anymore about it, because now you know exactly where I was coming from."

The room fell silent. So silent, the air thickened to a point where it nearly became edible.

Ruffnut chewed on her lip the entire time, at a total loss for words.

Tuffnut finally cleared his throat just to make the silence snap. Subsequently, he turned for the doorway. "I'd tell the poor baby-daddy if I were you. You really wouldn't want him hearing about this from someone like Gobber, now would you? That'd just be…"

"…Awkward," Ruffnut uneasily finished, scrunching her nose at the thought.

"Exactly," Tuffnut concluded. He stepped out the door and began to pull it shut behind him. "I'd get on it fast. Gobber picks up on gossip almost before it starts."

After her brother left, Ruffnut sat still for a few moments to contemplate everything just said. Silently, she picked up the tunic she'd thrown and started to fold it up again.

As much as she dreaded telling Hiccup, the more she thought about it, the more it sounded like a good idea.

Though, how exactly she'd say what she needed to say was another matter entirely.

Besides, she needed an excuse to get out of the house and escape what her mother possibly had to say about all this.

Strangely enough, at that point, Gobber knew nothing about this particular piece of news that was slowly winding and creeping its way through the village.

He and Hiccup busied themselves at the forge building dragon saddles, entirely oblivious to anything that was happening outside, save for the few times when dragons would start to squabble, forcing Hiccup to lean out the window and yell at them to behave.

Gobber abruptly put down the harness he'd been crafting, shamelessly announcing to his apprentice that he was out to relieve himself. Hiccup was so engrossed in his work that he almost didn't hear him, and looked up to see that he'd been left alone.

Ruffnut had been standing near the forge for quite some time now, eyeing Hiccup through the window he stood in front of, hoping for a chance to catch him alone. When she saw Gobber hobbling out the door, she immediately dashed closer and leaned against the wall where Hiccup still couldn't see her. She paused for a minute to catch her breath, then, ever so slowly, she leaned to the side and tilted her head so she could see into the sweltering building.

Hiccup had turned from her, praise Odin. Even from where she stood, she could see sweat rolling down his neck and arms, and he stopped working for a moment to wipe some from his forehead with his sleeve.

Obviously, judging by the fact that his clothes were now damper than his skin, he'd had enough of battling the heat, and proceeded to peel off his tunic, leaving his entire upper half bare.

Ruffnut's eyes doubled in size, and a grin played at her lips.

That right there was not a fishbone.

And he definitely looked nicer than she remembered from that momentous, drunken night, when she'd last seen him like this. Alcohol must have dulled her impression of his body.

Almost without thinking, she hopped in front of the window and placed her hands on the windowsill.

"Hey," she called. Startled, Hiccup quickly turned to see who was there. Even in the shade of the dimly-lit building, she could see his face growing red when he saw her. His hand flew to the back of his neck in bashfulness, and he nervously backed up right into a heavy hammer hanging from the ceiling, smacking his head and causing a loud clatter.

"Uhh… hey," he stammered, clearing his throat uncomfortably as he rubbed his head. "You, uh… picked now of all times to come see me?"

Even from quite a few feet away, he could still see the impish look swimming in her sharp blue eyes, and something about the way she was absorbedly studying him sparked milky, hazy recollections. Faint impressions of being within a breath of that girl, gazing steadily into her eyes, holding her bare body close to his…

Or… maybe that was a dream.

Hopefully it was a dream.

Ruffnut leaned in the window and placed her chin in her hand. "You were the one who took your shirt off."

The only thing that'd make this scene better is if I took mine off, she thought with amusement.

Hiccup stood still for a moment, struggling with how to respond. Finally, he stepped closer and folded his arms.

"There… something you needed?" he slowly wondered. Ruffnut was busy admiring the thick, muscled ripples in his arms.

"Maybe," she replied. "Actually, I kinda had a question."

Hiccup raised an eyebrow and turned back to his work.

"I'm listening," he called. Ruffnut looked up at the ceiling and furrowed her brow, tapping her fingers on the windowsill.

"What do you think about… babies?" she flatly asked.

Hiccup looked over his shoulder at her and chuckled. "Babies?"

"Yeah. Babies. Squirmy, red, crying things."

"What do I think of them?"

"Yeah."

Hiccup was quiet for a while, obviously giving it some thought. "I guess… they're cute, and I think they can really light up your life if you let them. Some people hate them. But I like them."

Ruffnut pursed her lips and shrugged, raising an eyebrow curiously. "Do you… think you'd ever want one someday?"

"Yeah," Hiccup replied, but there seemed to be a bit of hesitation in his voice. "I don't know if I'm ready yet, though."

Ruffnut turned her head a bit and secretly rolled her eyes. Neither am I, smart ass.

"Babies are great, and I'd love to be a father someday, but…" Hiccup paused. "I dunno. After taking care of Rowan, I know just how much work goes into it, and I don't think I'm ready for that again just yet."

"But you took such great care of Rowan," Ruffnut gushed, partly out of sincerity, but mainly just to keep him interested in the conversation, "and you're pretty much like a dad to him now. You love him even more than his own dad loves him. What makes you think you wouldn't be a good dad to your own baby?"

"I… really don't know," Hiccup sighed. "I'm afraid it'd be different with my own kid."

Ruffnut went extremely quiet.

Hiccup inquisitively turned to look back at her again after a lengthy pause. "Why am I telling you all of this, anyway?"

Ruffnut uncomfortably turned her gaze away from him. This would get messy fast if she kept going.

"Uhh… no reason," she hurriedly replied. She flashed him a quick smile before completely taking off and running as far from the forge as she could, leaving Hiccup in a short state of confusion before he simply returned to his work.

Well, that was awkward, he thought to himself, blushing all over again.

By the end of the day, Hiccup was so tired that he hardly remembered the horribly uncomfortable encounter with Ruffnut that had taken place earlier that morning. The temperature dropped a good fifteen degrees as the sun set on the horizon, and Hiccup slipped on his thick, fur vest and sat in front of the blazing fire beside his faithful dragon, who had made himself comfortable curled up on the floor. Gobber had already gone home about an hour before while Hiccup stayed at work, but, by now, the young blacksmith was ready to call it a night as well.

He scratched Toothless behind the ear lovingly and listened to the dragon gurgle in content.

"We did good, bud," he softly spoke, directing his words at his big, scaly companion. "Twenty-five saddles in one day. And I promise you a ride tomorrow afternoon when we test them out, too."

Toothless snorted in satisfaction. Hiccup smiled and sat back, continuing to absentmindedly talk to his dragon. However, Toothless stopped paying attention to his human relatively fast, as he heard noise outside the forge and immediately became intently curious. His ears pricked forward and he lifted his head, sniffing the air.

Hiccup furrowed his brow. "Toothless, what's wrong? It's just people outside. No big deal."

Toothless wasn't listening. At all. He shot to his feet and began to growl. Something smelled different.

Annoyed, Hiccup grabbed onto the nape of Toothless' neck and sighed. "Calm down, bud!"

Without warning, Toothless leapt from Hiccup's grasp and charged toward the door, knocking it open in the process. Hiccup heard someone yelp in surprise… and recognized who it was once he heard the profanities that followed.

"Toothless!" he could hear Ruffnut screaming. "Move, you bastard, dumbass dragon!"

The awkward scene from that morning was instantly brought back to Hiccup's remembrance at the sound of her voice.

What in the name of Thor could she possibly want this time?

Hiccup stepped onto the scene to see Toothless sniffing Ruffnut madly; she swatted at him and shouted more profanity. Toothless had gone from protective to inquisitive, his eyes widening in curiosity as he rubbed his nose up and down Ruffnut's body.

"What the Hel are you doing, Toothless?" Hiccup snapped at the dragon. He took a moment to eye Ruffnut, who was obviously flustered and even slightly embarrassed.

"Would you please get your sick dragon away from me?" she shouted. Toothless didn't let up, however. Instead, he deliberately began to shove his nose into her stomach, tossing his head and snorting in that same way he always did when he'd discovered a small animal in the woods. He turned to look at Hiccup, his eyes wide, and gave a whine.

"Toothless, stop," Hiccup forcefully commanded. He apologetically glanced up at Ruffnut, who had her arms wrapped around herself tightly as if it'd help.

She was busy eyeing Toothless angrily.

How in the world could that dragon just… KNOW there's a baby in there?

Hiccup cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, he… he doesn't normally act weird like that."

Ruffnut shrugged. "Yeah, whatever. Just keep him away from me from now on."

However, despite Hiccup's command to stop, Toothless was still studying Ruffnut, his nostrils flared.

"So… I was kinda curious," she said rather abruptly after a long moment of silence, turning her eyes away from the Night Fury and up at Hiccup. "Say there was this girl, and she like, reeeally liked you."

Hiccup narrowed his eyes and frowned. "Okay, what's up with you and all your dumb questions?" Ruffnut rolled her eyes.

"I wasn't done," she snapped. She folded her arms. "Now let's say you and this girl got laid. What's the worst thing that could happen?"

Hiccup started to blush. Strangely enough, those fuzzy mental pictures of being in bed with her were trickling into the forefront of his mind again. "I… don't know if I wanna answer this."

Frustrated, Ruffnut sighed loudly. Obviously, he wasn't playing along well. "Okay, then… let's say that hypothetically, she like… got pregnant or something. How'd you react?"

"Well, by the way you worded the first part of your question, it was only one-sided to begin with, so obviously I'd be really upset if that girl ended up pregnant," Hiccup replied.

He was failing to see how any of this was remotely relevant, for any reason.

Ruffnut didn't say anything more, as if cueing Hiccup to expound on his thoughts.

"Why is this so important to you, all of a sudden?" Hiccup finally asked, tilting his head. Ruffnut shrugged, with that look of 'I don't care' on her face.

"Does there need to be a reason?" she scoffed.

Hiccup pondered that. "Well, with you… not really." She gave that signature, naughty smirk of hers.

"Exactly," she chuckled. "I can ask all the dumb questions I want."

"Yeah, well, I don't really think I want to answer any of them," he said in exasperation. "All you've been doing is asking me completely stupid questions about really awkward subjects. Go find someone else to pick on about all… that."

He picked up a few of his belongings before blowing out the candles in the building. "I'm heading home, so uh, goodnight." He nodded at his dragon. "C'mon, Toothless."

As Hiccup made his way out the door and up the path toward his house, Ruffnut, entirely ignoring his farewell, followed closely behind him. Toothless stayed on her heel, almost dancing around her legs as she chased Hiccup up the hill.

"I wasn't done talking to you, idiot," she panted, struggling to keep up with the young man as he briskly charged up the hill. Even though he was missing a leg, he was still quick on his feet.

And, for no reason at all, Ruffnut found it difficult for the first time to walk uphill at such a rate.

Damn baby, she wanted to gripe aloud. I'm not even showing a thing and it still saps my energy.

Ruffnut finally stopped and let Hiccup go on by himself since he was completely ignoring her anyway. With a huff of exasperation, she planted herself in the middle of the road and folded her arms tightly across her chest. However, Toothless didn't keep on going with Hiccup, sidling up to Ruffnut with his nose in the air instead. She looked down at him and suspiciously watched the way he would curiously sniff the air around her. Eventually, he'd end up with his warm nose rubbing into her tummy, just like he'd been doing earlier. He let out inquisitive whines, looking up first at Ruffnut, then back at Hiccup, whom he called to.

Hiccup stopped and turned around. "Toothless, that's enough. Come on."

But the dragon was adamant. He called to his human again, and then prodded Ruffnut in the stomach with his nose.

"See, your dragon's being a creep," Ruffnut yelled, trying to shove Toothless away. "Go see Hiccup, you dumb dragon. Get away from me."

"Toothless, I mean it! Enough!" Hiccup called again. This time, though very reluctantly, Toothless obeyed, but made sure to give Ruffnut one more solid look in the eye before doing so.

He really did know.

While standing there, in the middle of the road, watching Hiccup and Toothless disappear, Ruffnut decided that maybe she needed to lay off the verbal hinting for the time being. Clearly, that boy was not getting it. If she waited long enough, her tummy would do the talking.

Ruffnut didn't say anything more for approximately a month and a half.

By then, most of the village knew the surprising news, including Gobber; though the old blacksmith found Hiccup's total oblivion hilarious and held off saying anything. He was pretty sure Ruffnut would get the point across one way or another, judging by the way she was acting around Hiccup.

Oh, it was obvious to everyone in the village what she was trying to communicate to the boy. She'd see him working down at the docks, untangling fishing nets, and would deliberately walk by, rubbing her stomach (which still wasn't showing much yet), while shooting him a dark glare.

Your fault, your fault, she'd silently taunt.

On random occasion at the Meeting Hall, Gobber would catch sight of a wasted Ruffnut following Hiccup around, giggling as she joked about hypothetical babies all fathered by Hiccup, concluding her drunken spiel with a bold statement about the power of his sperm; usually within earshot of most other people there.

While Hiccup would blush and take off running, Gobber would be sitting alone at the table chucking to himself.

Toothless was going crazy over it. As if by some sort of draconic magic, he sensed the presence of that tiny child – and who that child belonged to – and always ran out to greet Ruffnut whenever he saw her; slobbering her with wet dragon kisses, or tenderly pressing his nose into her slowly rounding tummy while giving contented purrs. Much to her chagrin, most of the time. (Admittedly, she didn't mind that much after it became a bit of a routine.)

And then of course, he'd run back to his human to report his findings, but it seemed as though Hiccup could never understand what the dragon meant. Either he was too busy to pay attention to Toothless, or he was too thick to get the hint.

Ruffnut quickly found that she couldn't get away with wearing a belt to help hold up her clothes, so she started eliminating it from her wardrobe, which her brother noticed straight away despite being the non-observant type.

"When you let your shirt hang loose off your body like that, it really makes you look pregnant," Tuffnut snickered one morning while she made breakfast. She rolled her eyes up and glued them to the ceiling, slowly exhaling through her teeth. "Go outside looking like that and Hiccup'll figure it out easy."

"Aren't you supposed to take Rowan for the day, butt-elf?" she spat, deliberately trying to switch the subject. She felt like throwing the bowl of porridge she was making across the room. Only her brother knew how to get her mad with only a few words.

"I've got other things to do, Baby Mama," he replied with a toothy grin. He grabbed a bowl from the shelf and scooped some porridge into it, then headed for the door. "Building boats today with the crew. Rowan can hang with you today."

She quickly finished making breakfast before her mother got up, then slipped on her small, fur wrap and reluctantly trudged up to Hiccup's house to get her nephew. As she neared, the delicious aroma of bacon, eggs, and fresh bread filled her nostrils, making her realize that she hadn't even bothered to grab a bowl of porridge for herself before she left. She knocked on the door and heard Hiccup ask who was there.

"It's Ruffnut," she yelled back. "I'm here to get Rowan."

Almost immediately, the door opened, and there stood her three year-old nephew grinning at the sight of his auntie. She smiled and reached down to pick him up, then stuck her head inside and sniffed again.

"Damn, it smells good in here," she gushed, giving herself the liberty to step inside. Hiccup was still at the table, currently in the middle of shoveling a forkful of eggs into his mouth. Rowan's plate looked like it hadn't even been touched yet. She planted herself at the table right across from Hiccup, sat Rowan on her lap, and immediately began to devour the leftover meal that should have belonged to her nephew.

Hiccup simply watched her, unsure whether to be surprised or afraid.

She finished the plate within minutes, ignoring Rowan's whimpers… and boldly reached for Hiccup's plate.

His eyes bulged. "Wha… hey! That's my breakfast! You just ate all of Rowan's, and now you're—"

Ruffnut frowned and glared at him. "Hey, it is your fault I'm having to eat twice as much now."

Hiccup furrowed his brow. "What are you talking about?"

She grinned after swallowing a whole strip of bacon and a heaping forkful of eggs. "You see… there's this… certain little baby."

"Okay," Hiccup uneasily replied, hinting that he wasn't entirely sure what she meant. "And?"

"It's the most beautiful baby you've ever seen," she continued, her eyes glistening as she spoke, "with these sparkly, green eyes, and chubby, freckled cheeks, and big teeth like his daddy. And if he doesn't get enough to eat, he's not gonna grow." She leaned on the table and placed her chin in her hand, looking up into Hiccup's eyes with a grin on her face. "His mommy's name is Ruffnut. Aaand… he should be here in about… ehh, I'd say six months or so. Give or take a few weeks."

She finished off the rest of the plate while Hiccup only stared dumbstruck at her, his eyes round and confused, and his face wrought with a strange mix of shock and disgust. Rowan whined about not having any breakfast as Ruffnut pushed the empty plate towards Hiccup and stood up. She simply shushed the little boy as she turned to leave.

Hiccup shot to his feet and ran to stop her before she could leave, shaking his head. "So… wait. You… you're having a baby?"

She smirked. "You bet."

They silently held gazes for a full six seconds before Rowan impatiently tugged on one of his aunt's braids.

"Auntie, leave now, please," he pleaded. "I's hungwy. You ate my breffast."

"Yeah, I know," she sighed. "Let's go home and I'll get ya something to eat."

Hiccup was still wearing that horrified and confused look on his face, and he couldn't even bring himself to ask any questions as she slunk out the door with that smirk of hers still plastered on her lips.

"Thanks for breakfast!" she called over her shoulder before closing the door.

Toothless, who had been curled up in front of the fire the whole time listening, finally got up from his lazy position and came to stand beside Hiccup, giving a snort and a whine to get his attention.

I was trying to tell you that, Fishbone! Toothless wanted to say to him as he stamped his foot.

Hiccup, however, was completely ignorant of his dragon's presence, and simply stared at the door for a lengthy amount of time, mulling over everything.

Ruffnut… having a baby?

Those two things did not belong in the same sentence.

He scrunched his face, deep in thought, and folded his arms across his chest. Toothless stared up at him expectantly, as if waiting to hear his reaction to it all.

Fishbone must have figured it out! Toothless thought to himself, anxiously sitting back on his haunches.

Hiccup shook his head, wracking his mind.

"Who in this village has green eyes and big teeth?" he wondered aloud.

If Toothless could have face-palmed, he would have. Instead, he groaned and flicked his tail up at Hiccup's head, striking it swiftly and hard enough to produce an audible noise. Hiccup tumbled backwards and grabbed his head, then swung around to face the Night Fury, who presently made a noise akin to chuckling.

"Toothless!" he shouted, rubbing his head. "What was that for? Ugh, useless reptile!"

Toothless tossed his head and briskly twirled away, back to his spot in front of the fire. Fishbone is so dumb. Can't even take the hint from Toothless or the Baby Mommy herself!

Later that day, Ruffnut was commissioned to doing the laundry once again by her mother. Rowan kept himself busy by playing noisily with his toys several feet away from his aunt. Ruffnut was still pondering the scene at Hiccup's house earlier, and how even though she had basically told him with her own mouth what was going on, yet he was still acting clueless.

"So the kid can tame a dragon, build stuff to help it fly on a broken wing, and reverse 300 years of Viking thinking… but he can't figure out he fathered my baby, even though I've been giving him hints like crazy," she mumbled to herself, even laughing a bit. "You'd think Hiccup, being the smartest Viking in the village, would have gotten it by now!"

She continued to grumble amusedly to herself as she scrubbed clothes in cold, soapy water. Suddenly, she noticed a shadow fall over the large wooden basin she was washing the laundry in. Looking up, she saw Hiccup standing there, wringing his hands as if he had something to say.

"What," she flatly said, without giving him a chance to speak first, "you want Rowan back?"

"Uhh… no," Hiccup stammered. Ruffnut watched him twist his hands faster and more anxiously. "I just… I kinda wanted to make sure you meant what you said. You know, with the whole baby thing."

Ruffnut gave him a blank stare in return. "Hiccup, I talk stupid sometimes but I would not lie about something like that. I'm having a baby – you heard it here first."

Out of the corner of his eye, Hiccup thought he saw a few villagers smiling oddly at them, and he couldn't help but wonder if they knew. "Does… does anyone else know about this?"

"Yup," Ruffnut replied. "Everyone except you."

"Okay then what was the reason for chasing me down like that, and asking me all those stupid questions?" Hiccup spluttered, throwing his hands in the air. "Why couldn't you have just told me? And… and why does it matter if I know or not?"

Ruffnut gave a devious smirk, though by the way she was scrubbing one of Tuffnut's tunics, she still seemed a bit annoyed.

"Look," she sighed, "I gave you all the hints you needed to figure it out. I don't know why you're still not getting it."

Hiccup hated how indirect she was. For Thor's sake, she hadn't even answered his question.

At the same time, he was growing even more confused.

"What hints?" he wondered, exasperated. "All you do is glare at me, and follow me around, and talk about my sp—I mean, my… that—"

"Super-sperm," Ruffnut supplied for him, wringing the suds from a pair of leggings. "Go on."

As he stood next to her, he avoided her gaze by looking down at his reflection in the basin of water, absently noting his features next to hers.

"And then you talk about beautiful freckles, and chubbiness, and sparkly green eyes..." Even among the ripples and suds, Hiccup could see the stark contrast of hair color, eye color, "…big teeth, of all things…"

Ruffnut paused her work for a moment, noticing how Hiccup stared so intently into the water. It began to calm, flashing back a clear reflection of both. Ruffnut caught his gaze in the water, watching as he tensed his brow in thought.

She's having a baby.

With green eyes and big teeth.

I have… big teeth. And green eyes.

Apparently I also have super sp—

…Oh.

Ruffnut watched his eyes slowly growing wide as it all came together.

Hiccup gingerly backed away, feeling his face begin to burn and his body melt with shame.

Da, da, daah… I'm dead.