A/N:
Ssdiablo - Ladies and Gents, this is a…ermm…
Sarah-vs-psycheotic - … a production by…
Ss – us…yeah…wez owns nothingz, wez wants somethingz, (Review, hint hint,)
SvP – money would be good too, but we shouldn't give ya our addresses for security… lol
Ss – wez both fanfic writers, both friends…good friends yes, little nutso…ourz penznames up therez…in the stars…Wez both writes this…enjoyz!
SvP – Yeah caz, what ever… enjoy and review, or discover the meaning of freaky arse weirdness…
House Elf HarassmentA man sat shackled to a stone chair in the centre of an arena, levels rising up to the ceiling and on them sat all the witches and wizards of the wizarding grand council, the Wizengamot. Amongst them were reporters scratching away at their notes and sketches with a puff of smoke from Prophet cameras. The 'Phoenixes' sat in anticipation for the final ruling of the man's case. Hermione clutched Harry's and Ron's hand in each of her own. Her nails dug into their palms but they didn't notice; they were just as nervous as her. They eldest member of the Wizengamot rose to his feet, the entire room falling into a dead silence. Nobody even breathed (much).
"After much deliberation and the reviewing of much evidence, we find the defendant, Sirius J. Black, for the murders of Lily and James Potter, not guilty, for involvement and treason…" There was a painfully long pause, where Hermione's nails drew blood from Harry and Ron's palms. "…not guilty."
The arena erupted into cheers as the shackles released Sirius. Harry leapt over the barriers to Sirius, closely followed by Ron and Hermione, to embrace him. Sirius had tears streaming from his eyes in relief.
"It was also the decision of the Wizengamot," continued the old man, everyone watching him for his final word, still smiling brightly, "that Sirius Black be reinstated as Harry James Potter's legal guardian until the age of seventeen. Sirius Black will receive the Order of Merlin First Class for his suffering of the truth none believed. You are free to go."
At Grimmauld Place the Weasley family, after making all the preparations, were left in a slightly dormant state. Molly paced the room frantically as the twins and Ginny played exploding snap.
"SNAP!" Ginny declared, her wand pointing at the twins threateningly. "Mine."
"Would you three cut it out!" Coming from a rather hysterical Molly.
Charlie looked up from his book on dragons. "Mum! Find a way to entertain yourself, please? Bill and Fleur seem to be managing quite well from the sounds of things." As the ceiling thumped, dust falling on them.
Ginny shuddered at the thought of what they were doing.
"How can you relax at a time like this?"
"Mum, we aren't doing this to relax, we're doing it because of Bill and Fl-"
"-Em," Ginny finished under her breath. "Can't you make them go down to the basement or something?" She complained. The boys all laughed and suddenly had coughing fits at the look they received from their mother.
"Enough! It's not as though I'm happy about it," she said glaring at the ceiling.
"Wow? Where did all this dust come from?" asked a voice at the door and Molly nearly leapt out of her skin.
"Sirius!" he gave her a hug and Ginny started doing a sort of Bum dance as the twins cheered with a 'whoop whoop!"
"Oh yeah, woohoo, oh yeah," Cheered Ginny as Harry and Ron helped carry Sirius's stuff in.
Charlie, for one however, was slightly shocked and terrified at the speed in which Fleur and Bill arrived from their landing, clothed…mostly…Ron walked into a clothes stand…Hermione tutted at Fleur wearing bills over sized t-shirt as she hugged Sirius (Who was taller than her,) exposing silky blue boxers.
"Go get dressed would you? You're ruining the scene!" Ginny grumbled pushing Bills back. The pair of them laughed as he chased Fleur up the stairs. Ron crashed into the barrister.
"Get a grip Ron! She's a girl, they come fully loaded with tits and an arse," Fred teased, as George looked at Hermione,
"Well, most do," He added grinning evilly; Hermione looked scandalised, but couldn't think of a safe comeback, sufficing to kick him in the backside.
"Right, I've been in prison, for say…two years? Where's the Brandy?"
It was at that moment when Sirius spotted him, creeping across the hall. "Stop right there!" He ordered and Kreature froze as though under a giant spotlight, turning his huge eyes to Sirius, chuckling in an innocently nervous way.
"Ye-yes…master?" he stammered fearfully.
"Is there anything you'd like to say?" Sirius asked pleasantly, and Kreature looked around for a glimmer of help from one of the witches and wizards all staring down at him.
"Hehe…ah…welcome back? Good Kreature clean and make nice dinner?"
"Really? Anything else?"
"Ah…did master not like our little joke, hehehe…he?"
"Little joke? My, Kreature, what joke would that be?"
Kreature was truly looking panicked.
"Are you referring to the 'joke' that nearly got Harry killed, or the 'joke' that you played in finding a loop hole in my orders?" Sirius twirled his wand in his fingertips. Tonks held hands with Lupin, both staring mercilessly down at the pathetic Kreature. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you now?"
He looked to Hermione; she'd always been kind, but now her eyes were so narrowed that she could have fried him where he stood. All the red headed children stared him down. To Kreature, it seemed all hope was lost, when something happened.
"Wait," Everyone, including Kreature, turned to the person who'd spoken in surprise. Harry came down the stairs, the last person any of them would have thought to show even an ounce of mercy. "Don't punish him."
"Harry, this is quite beyond punishment," Hermione pointed out. "He tried to kill us all."
"I know, but that's good."
"Which part of being buried were you anticipating? The open casket or the mourning?" George scorned. "Even Hermione agrees – the Spew leader."
"I know, just hear him out, I'm certain that he could be useful."
"What does you mean?" Kreature asked curiously, still not allowing them to meet eye to eye.
"Wizards debt, Kreature, have you heard of it?" Harry asked standing next to Sirius. Kreature nodded. Harry took Sirius's wand out of his hands. "Do you know what I've just done?" Kreature nodded nervously. "Do you know who I am?"
"Harry Potter?"
"Harry Potter-Black, The Wizengamot instated Sirius as my legal guardian." Kreature gulped. "And you know what that means." Kreature nodded.
"Harry, you've made this mistake once before, remember? Don't make it again," Lupin warned. "He may not be a wizard, but he has proven he can be as deadly." Harry ignored him.
"Kreature, tell us everything you know about the Lestrange's and the Malfoy's."
Kreature stared at him, "B-but they said nothing may be told-"
"Wizards debt, you owe me your life until I deem that the debt is repaid, and they aren't your masters. Start thinking," Harry ordered. "You have until Professor Dumbledore gets back in which to decide. If you don't, Sirius can kill you, and I have no reason to stop him." Harry point at the door. "You are not permitted to leave the premises, nor talk to anyone about it who isn't present in this room. Understood?"
Kreature nodded, and slumped off to his cupboard.
"One more thing, Kreature." He stopped to look at Harry. "No telling anyone about what you see, hear, or notice about people in the Order to anyone out side of the order."
Kreature bowed and dragged his feet into the kitchen.
"Interesting idea, Harry," Sirius said scratching his chin. "Do you think it will work?"
"If it doesn't, I have another idea."
"What's that?"
"We burn your mother's portrait." Harry jerked his head at the curtains knowing Kreature was undoubtedly listening.
"We can't, it's protected by magic," Molly said, surprised that Harry had forgotten.
"Ah, but is it protected against Muggle items? This is a pure blood come wizard house. What Muggle items would they need to protect it against?" Hermione suddenly understood and clapped her hands,
"Well done, why didn't I think of that? Do you think Uncle John's would work?"
"I know so. Sirius, welcome back to being an innocent man," Harry smiled, leading him to the curtains where he pulled them back, revealing his mother's portrait, mouth stitched and stick tapped as she struggled to scream abuse at them. Sirius stared in amazement, as did the others. "One hundred percent vulnerable to anything Muggle. Used synthetic thread, medical tape, and Uncle John's." Harry lifted the portrait from the wall easily.
"I was wondering what you were always smelling of citruses for," Hermione commented examining the wall behind.
"Can we burn her now?" Sirius asked excitedly and Kreature came bursting in, tears streaming down his eyes as he grabbed hold of Harry's leg as though for dear life.
"No," he wailed. "No! Good Kreature do anything youse say!" he pleaded as Harry tried to shake him off. "Please!"
"Kreature, let go. We will consider a bargain, do you have any offers?" His plan was finally falling into action.
"Kreature will, will clean whole house, no dust, no speck, clean as a whistle."
"We can do that our selves, no, it'll have to be something better than that," The Weasleys were all looking very suspiciously. It was no secret that they were all not only sick of Mrs. Black, but also having to clean and sort from the years of disrepair. "Besides, as a house elf, that's your job, remember? There's little use in a house elf that doesn't do it's job, Sirius may as well kill you then,"
"But what else can Kreature do? Kreature knows nobody or nothing…" and idea brimmed on his enormous eyes. He tugged on Harry's shirt to whisper in his ear. "Kre, Kreature could do job, very dangerous job, yes we coulds, but no one must know, not even…other master…no, no other master not know," It didn't matter that he was whispering, everyone could hear him. "Kreature knows wizards, knows Malfoys, know plans. Wez coulds go digging, digging deep in their places – no one ever know! I tell you stuff that wez finds, and bring things back…good for Order, no?"
Finally, everyone there knew what Harry was doing as he pretended to think about the bargain,
"Theyz trust poor little Kreature, and Kreature knows things more than other spys. Wez know other spy's, spy's not spys!"
That made no sense to Harry. "Like double crossers?"
"Shhh!" Kreature looked panicked glaring at the others. "Shh! Yes, crosses two ways,"
"And you'll do that for the portrait?"
"And, for nice new blanket from Mudblood, other one has holes, nasty holes, very nasty…caught on pipes…"
"I think that Hermione can make you another blanket, but don't ever let me hear that you've called someone I know a Mudblood, or Mrs. Black's portait won't be the only thing on the fire." Harry promised.
"Yes yes, not Mudblood, wez never says Mudblood, nonono! Yes, nice Master's Miss make blanket?"
Hermione was taken aback to be referred to as 'Master's Miss', but let it slide none the less. She nodded to Harry and Kreature clapped his hands.
"Master make deal then?"
"Master makes a deal. Sirius, hand over the portrait," But Harry had to pry it from his fingers none the less.
"Pink blanket!" Kreature declared. "Pink nice warm soft colour, green feel's slimy, slimy not nice, nasty like holes, mean holes," and he began muttering away about the holes.
After being sent upstairs to clean, trusting their privacy in distance and by putting a spell on the room, they discussed Kreature's agreement, and filled the love birds in on what had gone on whilst they'd been getting dressed on what was missed.
"Harry, I was really looking forward to burning that!" Sirius complained, "and where's the little snipe going to put it?"
"His new room. I stopped in at a furniture shop a few weeks back, they had a side board which was three times bigger inside than what it looks like on the outside. I'm having one custom made so he can live in it instead of under the sink,"
"Why?"
"Cause it's fitted with a lock and is sound proof. It has little selves and such so he can keep his little things, new bed and so forth. He likes 'things' this way we can monitor him better, we have something over his head, and he's less likely to feel like a slave and do as we tell him out of respect. Think of it as dog training – rewards for the right things. By the end of the month, we won't have to try and get rid of your mothers portrait 'cause he'll do it for us," he explained. He had been working on a way to get back at Kreature since the start of the holidays, and what better time to put it into action than now?
"Harry, I don't know about this. He seemed very agreeing…"
"Hermione, if you were told that you would fail your NEWTs if you didn't…I dunno…stop studying, you would." Ron argued.
"No I wouldn't, that would be a complete waste of time in doing the NEWTs in the first place," she replied and Ron slumped in irritation. "I'm not saying not to be nice to him, but these are dangerous waters you're treading, using him as a spy? We already saw that he's capable of possessing others," She said looking intently at Harry.
"Are you willing to take that risk?" Lupin asked, "To give Voldemort such an opportunity to look inside the Order, and to give him the prospect of killing you?"
"I don't think you-know-who would possess a house elf to keep an eye on him," Ron argued, "He'd have to know everything that Kreature would normally do to stop us from being suspicious, and he'd have to know where the order is, which I'm pretty certain he doesn't,"
"But Harry won't be staying here, he'll be at Hogwarts, every witch and wizard knows where Hogsmaed is, and the entrance to the castle isn't exactly hidden." Fleur reminded him. "I think Harry should elect a reprisentative, Professor Dumbledore maybe?"
"And get him killed? I think not," and the debate started, continuing for much of the night. It wasn't until Mad-Eye came clunking in that they all looked at him in a new light and declared him to be the one Kreature was to report to, with out giving him any details for what he'd been nominated for. Kreature was given two passwords that Moody was secret keeper for, and trusting their security in his magical eye.
Hermione sat on her bed reading a new text book and practicing some wordless spells as she thought about what Kreature had said. Using her wand, she had bewitched a needle and thread to make a start on the quilt in the 'requested' colours – pink and purple with gold lining, which was to seal the bargain with Harry and Kreature.
There was a small knock on the door.
"Come in?"
Kreature entered cautiously, "Ah…Master's Miss ready for dinner?"
"Kreature, why do you call me 'Master's Miss?" she asked curiously.
"Is youse not?"
"No, I'm not, I'm a friend," she replied wondering where he got the notion from in the first place.
"Master no miss?" Hermione shook her head in reply. "Miss is brave for friends when miss not masters…" he muttered in thought. "Other witch master's miss?"
"No, Ginny's not Master's miss. Harry doesn't have a 'miss'." She tried to explain, but the notion seemed too complex for him.
"No miss master? Master no miss? You be master's miss, you nice for master's miss," he proclaimed. "Master's miss you!"
"But-"
"Master's miss not late for dinner!" and he left, leaving Hermione quite stumped and a little irritated.
"Right…" she said allowed, smacking her lips together. A house elf who hated most people here was playing matchmaker?
She arrived in the kitchen a little later than everyone else and saw she wasn't the only person's head he'd been playing with. Sirius was seated at one end of the table, Harry at the other, then had been arranged so couples were together, and singles in the middle. She was about to ask what was going on when two small hands pushed behind her knees – hitting a ticklish nerve, and nearly causing her knees to buckle.
"Ow!"
"Master's miss sit here," Kreature said pushing her to sit next to Harry on his right, facing Ginny who was looking over at Dean, her current boyfriend, in the centre who'd been allowed to stay over the summer with Seamus and his Mother. All in all, it was starting to look more like the house was a huge hotel, but there never seemed to be a shortage of rooms or space…
She nervously took a seat, feeling everyone's eyes on her, feeling very self-conscious.
"All eat!" Kreature declared, and the covers over the food vanished. Evidently, it had been a long time since Kreature had prepared a meal. Everyone had limp green salad – as though he'd steamed the lettuces like spinach, half burnt volauvents (with out any stuffing) something that looked like nachos and a side of what looked and smelt like gruel.
"Didn't he say 'nice dinner', not nice mess?" Fred asked using his wand to prod at the once crisp iceberg (his was whole)
"Erm…Kreature? What exactly is this?"
"Good Kreature make everyone Mexican dinner! You get spinach and salsa, and cheese, and-"
"Kreature, this is not Mexican. These are volauvents, which are Italian and you stuff them. This is not spinach, it's lettuce, and this…Merlin knows what this was…did you bake the 'cheese' and the 'salsa' together at the same time?" Mrs. Finnigan asked, stabbing the nacho like brick with a steak knife – which even then hardly scratched it.
"Make it nice and hot, and save time, and then there's sour cream!" he said, looking very proud.
"Oh, Mrs. Weasley, I just remembered, my mother invited all of us to dinner in France!" Fleur suddenly piped out of fear of having to eat it.
"That's okay, you bring family here! Plenty more!" Kreature piped. "Easy to move three people, not so for twenty," he reasoned. Fleur looked as though the Veela in her was about to burst free in boil the little snipe where he stood.
"We are going to my mothers, that is final." She stood, pinching Bill on the shoulder to get him up.
"Ow! Okay okay, I'm up,"
"I have an idea," Hermione interrupted. "Dobby! Harry's life's in danger!"
Dobby appeared right on cue. "But my life isn't in danger?"
"It will be if Kreature upset's Fleur anymore. She might only be part Veela, but she still has a lot of their powers." Hermione replied. "Dobby, can you clean up this mess, and then teach Kreature how to cook?"
"Yes, anythings you ask!" Dobby said happily, and the food Kreature had made vanished. "Kreature, you is bad cook, very bad," he started scolding. "Youse cook like this," Dobby snapped his fingers again three times in succession, and the meal reappeared, just as wonderful as what was served up at the castle. Fleur sat again, slightly indignant but ate with every one just the same. "I don't knows what youse been doing, but youse very rusty. We Helps you!" Dobby said excitedly and Kreature clapped him at the back of the head.
"Kreature!" Sirius and Harry scolded.
"Dobby, are you alright?" Hermione asked crouching down next to the house elf. "Let me look at it,"
"Woaw…me's no feels so good…grrh…duckies…?" and he keeled over backward with a drunken expression.
"Young hooligan, upstart…" Kreature muttered slumping off to his cupboard and slamming the door.
"Oh dear," Ginny sighed.
"Kreature, come out here, now," Sirius demanded, and the old house elf slumped out. "What did you do to Dobby?"
"I hits him sir," he replied shamelessly. "And I'ds do it again."
"I am ordering you to receive lessons from Dobby, to respect him, to do as you're told by him, to listen, learn and practice what he has taught you. Any questions?"
"Will master's give poor Kreature clothes?" he asked hopefully.
"No, we will simply kill you," Sirius replied carelessly. "I'm telling you Kreature, learn how to take criticism, 'cause you've done very little, so like it or lump it, it's time you learn."
"Why shoulds we?" he pouted.
"Because other wise you won't get your house – your own room where you can put your things," Harry enticed. "If you be good, and do as we mean and say, we will let you have and keep your house. It's coming next week." Harry waited for a response as Kreature thought about it. He then picked up Dobby (by the collar) and slapped his face.
"Wake ups! Wez gots work to doz!" he shouted and Dobby snapped awake.
"See, Harry Potter is great!" squealed Dobby and they raced out of the room.
The sideboard was picked up in the middle of the night, and Harry crawled in to examine it.
"Not bad – bit like a one man shack for me but Kreature should like it. Pass me a tea light – there's a holder in here…" they finished setting it up as a group, each taking turns to inspect and make changes to the new 'house'. Hermione magically painted the inside to make it feel more open a spacious – and to match the blanket to which she'd started making matching pillows for as a future reward. They placed the pictures of his in respectfully, though distastefully, and managed to get the portrait shrunken so it could fit. Molly had embroidered some curtains so Kreature could have some privacy, and Ginny had made a cute little pull out bed that Kreature could use as a couch or could let Dobby stay over in as the pair had grown quite fond of each other since Kreature had discovered 'rewards' for doing so. Earlier, they'd asked Dobby to distract Kreature long enough that they could set it up to surprise him.
"Kreature shall never know!" he saluted enthusiastically, and had taken him to practice at Hogwarts. It was mid-morning when the pair arrived back, Dobby had tied a cloth around Kreature's eyes and was leading him into the study where they had agreed was out of the way but still 'involved'. Everyone waited as Dobby kept checking Kreature wasn't peaking.
"Wez wants to see!"
"Youse see soon!" Dobby replied, "Stop peaking!"
"But we wants to see!" Kreature was positively ecstatic – a completely new house elf.
"Come on Dobby, now you're just teasing, let him see." Hermione laughed at how silly the pair looked and sounded.
Kreature pulled back the blindfold and gaped at the sideboard, his mouth barely inches from the ground. And that was all he did, just staring wide-eyed and mouth gaping at the pine sideboard.
"Don't think he likes it, he hasn't said anything about it," George teased.
"Kreature, what do you think about it?" Ron asked and Kreature still said nothing.
"Maybe he's had a heart attack?" Sirius asked looking at Harry. Kreature dived at the door, and squealed as he started jumping on his new bed like a two year old. "I think he likes it," he commented as Kreature came running out to drag Dobby in to see and they shut the door behind them. The group dropped to their knees to look in, and they saw Kreature snuggling at the new blanket that he'd waited so long for, and Dobby paying with the curtains.
"Looks! The windows opens! Hellos!" he said showing Kreature.
"Woaws, youse so luckies! And youse gots a kettle!"
Kreature came out and hugged everyone in turn – even Sirius.
"Kreature keep it?" he asked hopefully looking up at them all.
"Kreature, will get more if Kreature is good. Hermione's made you some more things, new pillows," Sirius said and Kreature looked as though he'd faint in happiness.
"Kreature make big dinner tonight! Big banquet!"
Everyone looked at each other cautiously. None of them had seen anything Kreature had made since the first meal, and none of them were too eager to visit that again. Dobby had him practicing at Hogwarts by cooking for the house elves, who were all very supportive, and would tell him how good it was. The last report Harry had received was from and old one named Fique, who said he was far off the mark.
"Hey Dobby," Seamus asked into the house, "is it safe? Fique didn't sound too happy,"
"Fique worked with Kings! He smelly old pot – knows nothing about whats peoplez eats today. Kreature getting good – always better," Dobby replied putting an arm around Kreature's shoulders. "Isint it rights?"
Kreature nodded sincerely. "Much goods, much betters. Me makes dinner?"
Sirius and Harry gave each other the same look. "Alright, we'll trust you and Dobby,"
Kreature let out a loud 'whoopee!' and raced back into the house.
"Harry, I'm not ashamed to admit you were right on the money," Lupin said as they began Harry's Occlumency lesson. "You've really turned him around,"
"Eh, you're just jealous you didn't think of it," Harry joked.
"Cut it out James," Lupin said unconsciously, and then realised what he'd said, but Harry didn't mind. On the contrary, he seemed quite amused. "You have no idea how often your father and Sirius would say that to me, and how often Lily would say that to him once they started going out,"
"You know, I don't miss them so much any more. I mean, it just feels like their here," Harry thought aloud. Lupin put an arm around his shoulder.
"I know exactly what you mean."