Rudie Can't Fail

One

There are moments in our lives that define who we are. They are the mismatched ingredients that you add to a dish you forget the recipe for; yet somehow, helps the food turn out better than it did the previous time you made it. These moments last no more than a second; an hour maybe; if you're lucky enough, maybe even a day or a month. No matter which way you look at it, they are a small millisecond in your life. They are distorted words that you somehow remember perfectly, but the second you try to get them past your lips, disappear. Those words alone are vain and vacant; it is the person who says them that makes them so dear to you and the memory so clear. So, my memory summons half heard voices, and my soul finds primal eloquence in them. They become the ghostly lullaby that hums me to sleep, the medicine for my shattered heart. These moments in life that define me, they are my past, haunt my present, and determine my future. I wish I could let go; let him free. But he is the moments I cherish; long for; but will never have again. I lost him the second I let him leave. And that is the work of those goddamn moments that torturously define us.

Rory looked down at the furious scribbles that formulated a paragraph of total gibberish and sighed. No matter what she wrote, how uplifting she attempted to make it; he always found a way of crawling back into her head and scrambling her logical thoughts. His words lingered in her head, and she couldn't shake them. "Well, what is much?" "22.8 miles." "He was right; about everything." He was with her every second; haunting her. Lingering in the corner of her mind, never allowing it to rest. Closing her eyes to stop the streaming tears, the first image in Rory's head was him. It killed her; beat her to a pulp, and she couldn't escape. Without him, Rory Gilmore was lost; vacant; alone. She had lost the love she loved the most. She had let him go. Let him walk right out the door, and away from her grasp. Inhaling a shaking breath, she knew this was unhealthy. Locking herself up in her room, away from sun and civilization was not the smartest of choices, but Rory couldn't help it. Jess had shown her a life she had begun to love. And without him here now, that life and world didn't seem as kind. Fingering the phone next to her, she longed to dial his number; see what he sounded like. Was he dying just as much as she was? Rory ached to know. Pressing the first number, her body froze and an agonizing knot formed in her stomach. She couldn't do it. She couldn't face him. The panicked thought that Jess wouldn't even want to talk to her rushed through Rory's crazed brain. Inhaling deeply to regroup, she dialed her mother's number instead. Rory needed someone, anyone. Rory needed Lorelai Gilmore.

"Hello, my favorite offspring," Lorelai greeted gaily. Rory almost broke into tears at the mere sound of her mother's voice. Her mother embodied every memory Stars Hollow held: every sound of laughter, every taste of tears. Rory's heart began to be strangled by the winding tendril of memory, slowly but surely sucking away the life from her.

"Hi Mom," Rory whispered into the phone. She feared if she spoke any louder her voice would crack, and she'd melt into tears.

"Hun, what's wrong?" Lorelai's blithe voice quickly filled with concern. Much to Rory's dismay, as of recent every time she had called her mother, it was for some serious reason. The days of careless banter seemed to be over. It was either about being homesick, about wanting to jump off a bridge if Paris spoke to her one more time, and now, of Jess.

"Mom, I-I" she sniffed back tears and continued, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't be happy. I can't understand. I can't get him off my mind. Mom, I'm going crazy. My life is a total train wreck, and I," she breathed, "I don't know who I am anymore." She bit back threatening tears and finished. "I miss him, mommy," she squeaked into the phone, and then the tears came. Rory couldn't stop them. Her body ached and her breathing was shaky. Her eyes hurt from keeping them shut so tightly, but the tears kept coming. Covering her mouth in a feeble attempt to hide them or at best shut them up entirely, Rory sank deeper into her chair.

"Rory, Rory, hun, what are you talking about? Who do you miss?" When Rory didn't reply and Lorelai could still hear her daughter's tears, she spoke again; this time in a gentler tone. "Hush, hush, baby, you're fine. Just calm down, and talk to me." Lorelai's voice was comforting to Rory. She needed someone to shut her up, and she could always count on her mother for that job.

"It's Jess, Mom," Rory said quietly. "I can't stop thinking about him. I let him right out of my life. How could I have done that? I feel like I'm dying." Rory knew very well she sounded cheesy, but it was the truth. Her mother would understand, though; she had to.

"Ror, I know that him leaving hit you hard but, there are other men in this world."

"But there's not another Jess. There never will be. He isn't generic, Mom. Jess is Jess. That's what it is. And I let him go. Why?" Her voice broke by the end. What was wrong with her? She should hate Jess; she had every right to. But there was just something about Jess Mariano. Rory couldn't stay angry at him. Jess was like a drug to her. Rory's life was a wonderful high when he was around, but when he wasn't- it was the most agonizing of withdrawals.

"It wasn't your fault he left," Lorelai replied softly, but the bitterness in her voice was almost tangible. She might as well have just come out and said 'I hate him for what he did to you', but she didn't. "Though I know it's hard, you have to let Jess go. Rory, you're at Yale! There are hundreds of guys there- guys ten times better than Jess. Sweets, Jess is gone." Her mother's words were lethal. They stabbed at Rory's already shattered heart until there were no unharmed parts left. Sucking in a sharp breath, she resisted the urge to scream. He wasn't gone; it just couldn't be.

"No!" Rory spat out instinctively. It had become a natural reflex to defend Jess; no matter what the accusation was. "No, Mom, you're wrong. I loved- love him! He can't just be gone." She paused out of exhaustion of exercising this idea in her mind. "Why is it so hard?" Rory whispered weakly. She hated herself. She was drowning in self pity and dragging her mother along for the ride. Jess is only a boy; he shouldn't affect her to the extent that he has. But then a small voice in the depth of Rory's heart whispered he's worth it though. And it was true. He was worth every tear; every painful second. His notes in the margins of books he gave her were worth it. His witty remarks that made her smile were worth it. Jess was a once in a lifetime type guy, and Rory let that prized treasure slip right out of her grasp.

"Honey-" Lorelai paused. "It's hard. Trust me, I know it. And someday, you'll see that there's life after him. But for right now, I know it's a fresh wound. But hey, your break is coming up soon. Come back to Stars Hollow and spend it with me. I'm talking movie mania, as much junk food as our bodies possibly can consume, and the god of all gods, Luke's coffee."

"Like old times," Rory replied softly. She was overtaken by a wave of melancholy euphoria. Jess and Stars Hollow all in one wave caused for many emotions. Pleasant laced with painful as easily as lovers' fingers entwining.

"Yeah," Lorelai replied dreamily, "just like old times. Hey, I should pull out your Chilton uniform and you can wear it around like you used to. Then it'll be just like old times," her mother mocked playfully. Rory could just imagine the smile that was probably set on Lorelai's face. It was the genuine smile she gave that brightened her eyes and animated her features. Rory couldn't wait to see that grin again.

"No mocking the uniform," Rory retorted gaining some life back into her voice, "that skirt did wonders for my butt. And plaid is well-" Rory didn't know how to finish that sentence.

"Hun, that skirt looked like it was puked up by a kilt factory," Lorelai replied.

"That may be one of your worst comebacks ever. Is there even such a thing as a kilt factory?"

"Well, you're the big Yale student, you tell me. God, what are they teaching you at that fancy school anyways?" Though Lorelai's intentions were genuine, Rory could disperse the memory of when Jess had asked a similar question about Chilton. Recovering quickly though, Rory decided that this was step number one to letting Jess go. Step one: ignore any and all memories of him that may come up during the day. Satisfied with the start of her list, she gave her mother a small laugh.

"Well, I'm not majoring in the history of kilts, so sorry to disappoint," Rory replied.

"See? Look at that. We've been on the phone for like ten minutes and I've already gotten you out of your slump and those witty juices of yours flowing," Lorelai responded warmly.

"Yeah, I guess you have," Rory smiled, "and um, I'll take the bus to Stars Hollow on Friday; that's when break starts."

"Sounds like a plan, amigo. And I'll be sure to have that kilt mystery solved by the time you come."

Rory laughed. "Mom, I wouldn't waste your breath on that. But you could spend your intakes of oxygen on planning me a homecoming party," Rory teased.

"I'll see what I can do, offspring. Right now though, mommy needs to sleep. It's amazing how much taste testing Sookie's new dishes will take out of you."

"Alright Mom, see you on Friday." Rory raked a hand through her hair. As excited as she was to go home, the memory of her bad boy guido still lingered clearly in her thoughts.

"Only three days! I love you, sweets," her mother replied tiredly. Rory gave one last farewell before hanging up the phone. Setting it back down on the wooden table, she sighed. The dorm was eerily quiet. She considered turning on some music, but figured she'd have unhappy neighbors banging on her door within seconds. Reading was another option, but the activity had become a tender pastime ever since Jess left. Paris was the third and final safety choice, but even she wasn't around tonight. Paris had rushed out of the door earlier rambling something about a boy and a bar. Just the fact that those two words (or even either on their own) were part of Paris Geller's plans for the evening was enough to send Rory into shock. Scanning the room with the silly hope it would spark an idea, Rory huffed a breath of boredom. Rory considered following in Paris's footsteps and hitting up a bar. To make the choice even more time consuming, she flipped to a blank page in her notebook and began to write a Pro Con List.

Pros: stress reliever. Meet new people. No longer bored. Potential to be fun. Banana daiquiri sounds very appealing.

Cons: possibility of a blackout. Tests in two days; need to study. Classes in the morning. Hangover. Drunk and/or horny men. Drinking=loss of logical thinking.

Staring at her list, the cons stuck out and eventually won. Rory decided it was better to be safe than sorry. Plus Rory knew that Paris would expect her to help make Paris at least presentable for tomorrow. Tapping her pencil against the pages of her notebook, Rory glanced at the clock. She had wasted a mere five minutes on a decision that she was already 90% sure of when she started her Pro Con List. Again she was met with the taunting friend of boredom.

Finally settling on the lame decision of going to bed, Rory began to close her notebook, but she paused a minute. Pulling her pencil out, she wrote on a blank page:

Steps to Letting Go:

One- ignore any and all memories of him that may come up during the day.

Though she knew it wouldn't be an easy feat, Rory's notebook (which she so tenderly named Rudie) had never failed her before. Hopefully Rudie could help her with letting go of Jess Mariano. Though, Rudie had also been the one to help her get Jess in the first place. Rory had numerous pages dedicated to the infamous Mariano. But, Rudie can't fail, right?

I had to do it. I've been dying to write a Literati fic since, well, ever. This will be a multi-chapter story, but I'm still working on the plot. Feel free to tell me any ideas you have! I've found that the 'Gilmore Girls' characters are very hard to write, so please tell me if you find any blatant OOC, because I'd be happy to attempt to fix it! Well, I hope you all enjoyed chapter one, and please review. Thanks all!

Remember, reviews are love, people! ;)