I need to thank MoonRaven95 for her words of encouragement on my first fanfic attempt. This is my second attempt and unlike my previous story, this story is intended to be funny in a silly way. There is a fine line between being disgusting and hilarious, I shall tread the line carefully. Warning: slight OOC-ness for comedy's sake.
Disclaimer: I am not an arsonist in real life
"Madness, as you know is a lot like gravity, all it takes is a little push."
"A serial arsonist who calls himself 908-03 has been burning down buildings in Tokyo. He always leaves a card behind the crime scene, one of the card explained that he is committing these crimes for the lulz. Police are still investigating his identity while he continues to terrify Tokyo…"
"Good-for-nothing #^$%*!" Kogoro swore as the trio were watching that particular news broadcast while having their breakfast.
"Otou-san, don't swear in front of Conan!"
The doorbell rang. "Ran, open the door."
"Yo!"
"Sera-san! What are you doing here on this Sunday morning, wait why are you bringing your luggage? Don't tell me that the hotel you were staying at got burned down by 908-03 and you have nowhere else to go!"
"You are wrong about the first part; the truth is my father's friend could no longer support my hotel fees although he can still support my school fees. So can I stay here please, just like Conan-kun. Of course, I will help out with all the household chores and my father's friend will pay you a fine amount of money as well."
"You gotta be kidding me!" Conan thought.
Kogoro weighed in the pros and cons. Unlike the four-eyed brat, the tomboy is a mature teenager, so she should be a lot less troublesome. On top of that she is a detective herself too, she can be a help with his work. Furthermore her fighting skills are on par with Ran, with a Karate Master on one side and a Jeet Kune Do practitioner on the other he is probably one of the safest men in Beika. Plus, when he took Conan in he sort of fulfilled his dream of having a son, now he can sort of fulfill his dream of having two daughters.
"You are welcome!" Kogoro declared.
"Thank you Kogoro-san!"
"That's great, we can study together." Ran chirped.
However, Conan was not taking this very well. He was so shocked that one of his pupils was bigger than the other one. Masumi had barely settled down before the doorbell rang again, "Brat, your turn to answer the door!" Kogoro barked.
Conan opened the door, and he nearly had a heart attack. Three people were standing outside the door of the detective agency, namely Okiya Subaru, Agasa Hakase and Haibara Ai. Subaru was clutching a big box with the word 'important' scribbled on it and a bag, Hakase was carrying a computer while Haibara was holding a small bag. Conan was out of words, "please don't tell me that Hakase and my house were burned down by 908-03" he thought.
"Let's get straight to the point, Hakase's house as well as Kudo's house were burned down. We don't have anywhere else to go do we?" said the strawberry blond girl. "It seems that I have the bad luck of constantly getting the place I am staying at burned down by arsonists, just like Conan-kun constantly running into murders." Subaru remarked.
Conan screamed skyward. Ran looked at them sympathetically. Kogoro said, "Well, a friend in need is a friend indeed, Agasa Hakase and the Haibara girl can stay." "Well the Haibara girl is cute too" Kogoro thought to himself. Pointing his finger at Subaru, Kogoro continued, "As for you, give me a convincing reason to let you stay."
"Ah, I think Subaru-san can be your apprentice just like Amuro-san." Conan replied for Subaru. Initially Conan wanted to keep some distance between Subaru and his private life, but now that Subaru already realised Conan is Kudo Shinichi Conan supposed it wouldn't make that much of a difference and Subaru can keep an additional eye on Bourbon, although he was concerned about Sera discovering the real identity of Subaru.
"Just like Conan-kun said, please allow me to be your apprentice Kogoro-san. I can also work part-time at Café Poirot, just like Amuro-san." Subaru said. Ran and Masumi looked surprised this time, while Conan simply sighed.
"But Ran do we have enough space to house all these people?"
"Barely, I think."
"Fair enough, count Okiya Subaru in as well."
"Oi Haibara what about the antidote?" Conan whispered.
"You should be thankful. We saved the computer containing all my research data as well as the temporary antidotes I have in stock. Hakase's lab was not so lucky though."
"Well, as for me I don't have much personal belonging to begin with. But I stumbled upon this sealed box with the word 'important' written on it, I figured it is the most precious belongings of the Kudo family so I escaped with it, I have no idea what is in it though." Subaru said to no one in particular.
"Oh $%^&" Conan thought, he knew what exactly was inside and he wasn't keen on letting others to find out.
"Before I inform Shinichi about the abysmal news, let's find out what is inside. I couldn't help but to feel curious." Ran said.
"Me too!" Masumi added
"Ah…that's…" But it was already too late, the two inquisitive girls opened it and they screamed indignantly.
"Ran! What's inside?"
"A stash of P-P-P-P-Po-po-por-n!" Masumi stuttered, answering for Ran. Ran was too shocked to say anything. Conan facepalmed in shame, while Haibara gave him a weird look.
"During the time when we went to clean Shinichi's house, Sonoko joked about Shinichi hiding adult magazines, looks like she was right after all." Ran thought
"Kudo Shinichi, my idol…. image shattered." Masumi thought.
The two teenage girls suddenly sprang into action, took out some of the magazines and flipped through it. Haibara joined the ranks, somewhat surprised that the two physically older girl made no attempt to stop her. Meanwhile Conan was trying to dug a hole on the ground with his own fingers.
"So this is what Kudo-kun/Shinichi was secretly reading. Yuck, it is degrading and disgusting." The three women said in unison.
Suddenly the perverted part of Kogoro, Subaru's brain got the better of them, the two men tried to move closer to the box to get a good look at the magazines but stopped dead in their tracks. The two men could feel it, the heat radiating from the terrifying aura forming around the three women. Conan started to bang his head against the wall.
"Eww! This page is covered in white stuff and it smells…", without warning Masumi shoved it really close to Subaru's face. "Oi Subaru, you really didn't know what is inside the box right. You are not the one responsible for this right!?"
"Of course not. I am impotent." (He might be lying though)
The doorbell rang for the third time that day, Agasa opened the door. The one who rang the doornell was none other than Kuroba Kaito.
"Today is a weird day, he looks like my twin. A doppelganger just like Kaito Kid is to me Kudo Shinichi! What the heck is this stranger doing here, don't tell me his house burned down somehow." Conan thought.
"But Shinichi/Kudo-kun is right here as Conan. How come another Shinichi/Kudo-kun is standing at the door." Agasa and Haibara were both bewildered at the scene.
"Speak of the devil." Masumi muttered.
"Shinichi…" Ran growled like a horrible beast. Kuroba was obviously scared %^&*less, "tantei-kun, what on earth did you do that made your girl so angry." He thought.
Before Kuroba could clarify that he was merely a doppelganger, Ran kicked him in the groin, and before Kuroba could fully register the pain Masumi kicked him at the exact same spot as well. Every single male grabbed their crotch as if it was some sort of reflex and grimaced. Kuroba collapsed to the ground, tears flowing out of his eyes as he curled into a ball.
"Oyaji, I can see you out there, does that mean I am dead. Funny, I always thought if I am gonna die so young I will be shot dead by Snake or something like that. It never crossed my mind that I will be killed by two kicks to the crotch from two chicks. Hey it rhymes!"
"Kaito, I am afraid that the Grim Reaper is not interested in you. He is afraid that your trickster tendencies will wreak havoc in the other world so instead you're punishment must be more severe."
"Shinichi! Wake up! Shinichi!"
"Oi Kudo-kun, you have a lot to explain to."
Kuroba Kaito opened his eyes, he was lying on a sofa. People were looking at him, tantei-kun, the two girls who almost killed him, a peach-haired bespectacled man, Mouri Kogoro, a bald bespectacled old man and a strawberry blonde child.
"I am not Kudo Shinichi…"
"Shinichi you really think we will believe that?"
"Oi detective brat, I am more concerned about your manhood."
Conan was too shocked to the point where he stood still like a statue and his countenance froze, he was just grateful that the doppelganger took the hits instead of him. Haibara nudged him, "Kudo-kun don't you think you should clarify the confusion. Call your girl or something."
"Haibara, there is only one truth. The truth is I will die if I ever talk to Ran as Shinichi again." Conan said, trembling.
The doorbell ranged for the fourth time, Subaru opened the door. Everyone was shocked; this time round it was Ran who stood outside the detective agency and rang the bell. Wait a second, are you high? Ran was inside the detective agency, beside her childhood friend doppelganger. Oh wait, she was not Ran, she was Nakamori Aoko!
"Kaito! Are you alright?" Aoko cried, running towards the sofa-ridden Kaito. Everyone was stunned, she looked like Ran's twin.
"Eh! You mean he is not Shinichi?! Wait who are you?"
"Does that mean we just kicked the wrong balls?"
"I am Nakamori Aoko, Aoko is Kaito's best friend."
"Who is this guy again?!"
"I told you I am not Shinichi! I am Kuroba Kaito!" Kaito managed to say that weakly, groaning in pain.
"I am so sorry!" Both Ran and Masumi blurted out in embarrassment.
"Anyway I think it would be wise to call Ariade-sensei." Agasa suggested.
"Already did, but his clinic was attacked by 908-03 as well. He survived but is currently too traumatized to function as a doctor." Haibara said.
"Kaito, how bad are you hurt?" An extremely worried Aoko asked as she tried to take off Kaito's pants
"Aoko whadaf-"
"I am worried!" she cut him off.
"Oh my! Again words cannot express how sorry we are but, it is purple and swelling." Masumi remarked. Ran was out of words.
"No don't. Please don't have that involuntary body reaction! Please. Now I understand what you meant by 'you're punishment must be more severe.'" Kaito thought.
As if his body was rebelling against him, he had exactly that reaction.
"It's reacting! Thankfully looks like it is not that damaged."
"Anyway, why are earth are you two doing here to start with?" A bewildered Kogoro asked the question that everyone else had wondered but did not ask, while pointing his fingers at Kaito and Aoko.
Before anyone could attempt to answer that(If there was even an answer to that). Hattori Heiji and his not-girlfriend Toyama Kazuha barged in, after all Nakamori Aoko did not close the door.
"Yo! Kudo! No time no see..eh wutdafu-hell is going on?"
Kazuha gasped. After all the two Osakans just saw Kudo Shinichi lying on a sofa with his manhood exposed, and three girls were studying it closely. Two of the girls looked like twins while the third looked like a boy. Also the Agasa old man, the Haibara girl, Conan-kun and another guy who had peach-coloured hair were standing around the sofa as well.
"Kudo is lying on the sofa with his manhood exposed, yet Kudo is standing near the sofa as Conan who is frozen like a statue. Who is the real one? Wait a second, since the scientist girl is also there then Conan is not a disguise. Which means the guy lying on the Sofa is not the real Kudo, but then who is he?" Heiji thought.
"Ah, Hattoti-kun and Kazuha-chan! Well, it is a long story…"Ran greeted them, attempting to explain the really complicated situation.
"The Agasa house and the Kudo house were burned down by 908-03, so Hakase and I as well as this Subaru-san decided to seek refuge at the Mouri Detective Agency." Pointing at Subaru, Haibara continued "He is Okiya Subaru, he was staying at the Kudo house because his apartment burned down. All he managed to save from the Kudo house was a box with the word 'important' scribbled on it, of which Mouri-san and Sera-san discovered to be a box was a stash of adult magazines. I have no idea why Sera-san is here to start with-"
"I cannot stay at a hotel anymore!" Masumi interjected.
"Then a Kudo Shinichi lookalike barged in, who was mistaken as the real Kudo Shinichi. The two angry girls elegantly kicked him in the crotch. Afterwards this lookalike's 'best friend' who happened to be a lookalike of Mouri-san barged in and they three decided to violate his privacy by inspecting his crotch. I would say that his pride is more injured than his manhood though."
With three girls whose face was really close to his private part, Kuroba Kaito was getting uncomfortably excited. "Cover it…please." Kaito managed weakly. Ran quickly covered it up with a blanket. The doorbell ranged for the fifth time, Heiji answered the door.
"Keibu-dono! What brings you here?" Mouri Kogoro exclaimed as they all realised the one who ranged the doorbell for the fifth time was Megure Keibu.
"Mouri-kun! I was kicked out of the house by my wife, both of us have difficult wives you understand how it feels right?"
"Of course. You are welcome to stay here before your wife let you return, I understand precisely how you feel. Plus Agasa-san and Okiya Subaru-san can keep you company!" Kogoro answered the unspoken question.
Conan screamed skyward for the second time that day.
"Megure Juzo is now indebted to Nemuri no Kogoro!" Megure Keibu declared.
"Otou-san, can we really handle that many people?" Ran whispered to Kogoro
"Fear not my daughter. Yesterday I realised I won the lottery, I am loaded right now! The more the merrier!"
"So why are you here? And your last name is Nakamori…are you related to the Nakamori from second division?" Kogoro asked the two Magic Kaito characters again.
"Aoko is his daughter! The boy lying on the sofa is called Kuroba Kaito. The truth is Kaito's apartment was burned down by 908-03 a few says ago, so he went to stay with Otou-san and Aoko. Unfortunately 908-03 attacked our house as well, now our house has been burned down and Otou-san went missing! The police at the scene were sure that he did not die in the burning building!" Aoko explained, she had the tendency to refer to herself as third person.
"So you want me to find Nakamori-keibu, your dad?"
"Yes Sir"
"How about you two Osakans?" Kogoro asked
"Ah…my house was burned down by a 908-03 copycat, my parents are currently staying at Kazuha's place-"
"How do you know the arsonist was a copycat?" Subaru interrupted
"The *&#$%^ always leaves a card at the crime scene complete with his hand-drawn signature, just like that attention-whoring Kaitou Kid." Heiji replied
Aoko nodded in agreement, Kaito shifted uncomfortably on the sofa.
"Heiji don't use f-word in front of children." Kazuha reprimanded, pointing at Conan and Haibara.
"Aoho, none of them are actually kids! Oh #$%&" Heiji covered his mouth as he realised he just blurted out what he thought.
"Heiji/Hattori-kun/Oi Osaka brat what do you mean that they are not kids?" Several people asked in unison.
Haibara gave Heiji a death glare; sweats appeared on Heiji's forehead.
"Heiji-niichan are you high?" Conan asked with the intention to embarrass Hattori, but suddenly regretted it as he just said something rather un-childlike. Now everyone's attention was on Conan, while Haibara and Subaru gave him a smirk. "Ah I mean Heiji-niichan are you tall?" Conan quickly correct himself
"Without a doubt I am a tall and handsome man." Heiji declared, suddenly sensing a chance to further turn his tables and tease Conan. Heiji walked towards Conan and placed his palm on Conan's head, "A huge contrast to you shortie."
"Heiji that's mean, Conan-kun is just a child."
Kogoro made a fake cough, "Osaka brat, get back to topic ok?"
Before Heiji could pick up where he left off, the doorbell rang for the gazillionth time. Oh wait, I mean the sixth time. Masumi opened the door, the person outside was Ran's mother Kisaki-sensei. She was clutching onto her pet cat Goro
"Eri! What are you doing here?"
"Oka-san!"
"Looks like you have quite a company here, for your information I am not here because my place is burned down by 908-03. I am going on a business trip and I need you to take care of Goro. Ran, have fun." Kisaki-sensei dropped Goro off and left. Goro made a beeline for Haibara, maybe animals have a thing for her?
"Great so now you can add one cat to the eleven people at this agency. Hey Osaka brat continue your story on why you are here-"
A familiar cry cut off Kogoro's sentence.
"Eisuke-kun!"
Hondo Eisuke was at the door of the detective agency, he tripped as usual.
"What are you doing here?"
"Wait who is this guy?" Masumi and the Osakan duo asked.
"I am Hondo Eisuke, I used to be a transfer student in Ran-san's class. I am currently studying in America, I came back because it is a break at America right now. I decided to pay you a visit. Wow this place is really crowded, what are you lots doing here?"
Heiji, Kazuha and Masumi promptly introduced themselves. Eisuke was gentlemanly enough not to comment on Masumi's chest size
"Ignore this Eisuke kid for a moment, Osaka boy continue what you were trying so say." Kogoro demanded
"Oh yea, the reason why I am here is because-DAMN I forgot!"
"Oi Oi"
"Heiji you really can't remember? You never told me why we need to go to Tokyo as well."
"Give…give me some time to recall."
"Total Recall is 118 minutes long." Haibara commented.
Conan screamed skyward for the third time that day.
"Mouri-kun/Kogoro-san. I have never seen so many people at your place, what exactly is going on?" Megure and Eisuke inquired.
"Also can I stay here for the time being?" Eisuke added.
"Otou-san can we let him stay?" Ran pleaded.
As much as Conan wanted to shout "Hell no", he wasn't in a viable position to say so.
"If it is just a few days, I don't mind." Kogoro answered.
Conan finally gave in to this madness and he fainted.
Post-story dialogue
Conan: This fanfic is lowering my IQ level as I read it.
Heiji: Hey 908-03, what drug were you smoking when you wrote this story? I want it.
908-03: I was just listening to Pirates of Caribbean soundtrack-He's a Pirate.
Masumi: 908-03 what do you have in store for us?
908-03: No solid idea. Adult men will get drunk, some lies will be uncovered I think.
Masumi: Eh! Does that mean Shu-nii was lying about the white stuff in the magazine!?
Subaru/Shuichi: I am not Akai Shuichi!
Masumi: How do you know my brother's last name?
Subaru/Shuichi: Oh #%^&