For Rose.
-
"Hoot. Hoot," chirped the owls outside the window that young Edward gazed through. If only he could show his face beyond that window, he thought. If only he could be loved. If only there was someone out side his room, afar in the land of his dreams that would sweep him off his feet and carry him to a small cottage just north of Salt Lake City.
Chocolate tofu.
Ed picked at his teeth with a pencil and he dreamed the day away.
"Edward! What's this? Asleep on the job, well I never!" the Boss Man Roy bellowed.
"What? Oh, sorry." He wasn't sorry. How could he be? How could he possibly feel for someone like that? Someone who wasn't even strong enough to lift a finger, let alone an entire boy.
"Now, Edward, don't pout. There's more than one fish in the sea."
"But I like fish," Edward mumbled with his English accent.
"That's not the point. You need to get out and start working again. You can't be such a limp noodle around your friends."
"You're right, sir. I have to get up off my lazy caboose and get a move on before my due date arrives."
"That's the spirit." The Boss Man Roy scuttled away.
Edward looked up at the floor, a wistful expression on his face. He loved life. And he never wanted to die. Just then, at that very moment, the most beautiful girl in the world walked by Edward in the hall, and he fell in love.
"You should go talk to her," the hot chick said, lifting an interested eyebrow.
"You're right. But I'm so nervous. What if I mess up?"
"Don't worry. All is well, my boy."
"I like you. You're hot," Ed confessed, looking a might embarrassed.
"Hot is just a strong word, and I'm toasty," the hot chick replied flirtatiously.
"Kiss me babe or face the constituencies."
"But that would be naughty, naughty incest," the girl, who was actually Ed's brother, giggled as he pulled out a box marked 'kinky.'
"Ah ha. Lunch tomorrow."
"Indeed," Al whispered, proceeding to skip down the hall gaily.
"Only 67 more good deeds," Ed proclaimed proudly to himself, holding his right hand high up in the air.
The Boss Man Roy approached, smirking.
"Hey Ed, I saw that hot chick. She your boyfriend?"
"WHAT? Are you kidding? She's my brother. That's not right. Of course she isn't my boyfriend," Ed was so embarrassed he could hardly keep from eating the lining of his jacket.
"But I saw you two making out just now."
"WELL OKAY MAYBE SHE IS BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE RELATED. GOD." Ed flipped his hair and rolled his eyes.
"Smecks."
"Well I have to get home and get ready for my hot hetero date with my brother. See you tomorrow!" Ed waved and walked away.
"Ha. That boy's got a lot to learn," Boss Man chuckled.
"OH GOD I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!" Ed screamed as he frantically ran around Macy's in only his underwear, posing for himself at every mirror.
"Hey there, Ed," said Al, coming over to his brother.
"OH MAN. What are you doing here?" Ed's face turned as red as fire.
"It's time for lunch, brother. Let's go get to McDonalds before they close for the winter."
"Can I get a Mighty Kid's Meal?"
"Maybe."
So they went to the place and they started eating.
"Hey, I wonder who's cooking tonight. I want to leave them a big, fat tip!" Al laughed, waving around his fork cutely.
"You're adorable," Ed commented, eating a chicken nugget.
"Let's go home and make babies," Al suggested, scraping the last of his ketchup out of the portion cup with a fry.
"But Gary's still there. He won't be back 'till Tuesday." Ed was secretly disappointed inside, because he wanted to make babies.
"Hey you know the police station is open tonight, want to hang there, homie?" Al said, pretending to be unaffected by the no making babies thing.
"No hanging after 5."
"Fuck you."
Then they had a fight, and they didn't talk for days, but then they made up and they were at the house on Tuesday after Gary left and they were about to make babies when…
"Hoot. Hoot," said the owl.
"It's a sign, dear brother." Al looked worried.
Then Death came and grabbed Al and was like, "I'll kill your girlfriend if you don't give me your soul" and Ed was like, "AH!" so he called 911 but Death chopped the phone line and Al fell asleep on the sofa and Death and Al were best friends.
"Hey can you bring people back from the dead?" Ed asked.
"Yeah sometimes but I don't feel like it."
"Oh okay."
They played more cards.
"I am Death."
"Hey where's my brother?"
Death burped.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Ed screeched, pulling out his hair.
"Just kidding here he is!" Death held out a bag of Al.
"My boyfriend's back he's gonna save my reputation. Heyla, heyla, my boyfriend's back."
"Hahaha," Death laughed.
"I love you Ed let's go make babies for real," Al shook his booty.
"Okay, let's go make babies tee-hee man secks."
Then Ed and Al went upstairs to go make babies and Death ate Doritos in the parking lot.
THE END