Hey all! I'm only on season 4 of Rules of Engagement, but I got this really cool idea about a crossover with How I Met Your Mother. Anyway, here goes. I hope you enjoy! I'm planning on writing a fic for Rules of Engagement with Audrey and Jeff, so stay tuned ;)
Sept 1rst: See my updated message below. First, you need to know that Russell is played by David Spade and thus is very short. Jeff is played by Patrick Warburton and is very tall, so there is constant jokes about their heights amongst each other.
2007
Russell Dunbar tapped his fingers anxiously on the diner table as he waited for his date. He looked at his watch. Man, she better be worth it for being this late.
"What's up?" Jeff asked, coming in.
"Not now, Hugo," Russell snapped.
"Is Shorty off his meds today?" Jeff countered, sitting down across from Russell.
"No. Actually, wait," Russell thought for a moment. "No. No, I'm not."
"I don't want to know," Jeff shook his head. He signaled the waitress for a cup of coffee.
"I'm waiting for my date, and she's late," Russell huffed.
"Uh oh. I pity your child for having you as a father," Jeff smirked.
"Not that kind of late," Russell snarked. Jeff laughed.
"Hey, guys," Adam said, sliding into the seat beside Jeff. "What's going on?"
"Russell is cranky," Jeff pointed out. "His date is late."
"Oh no! Do you think she's pregnant?" Adam asked. Russell gave them both a look.
"That's it," he said, getting up. "I'm outta here."
"But your date..." Adam trailed off, confused.
"Arnold will fill you in," Russell said, stalking off. Adam looked over at Jeff.
"I think he just got stood up," Jeff snickered.
...
Russell paced the streets. Where was she? He looked at his watch. She was supposed to have met him here almost an hour ago. He didn't understand. It was getting dark out, and he wanted company that night. He heard tinkled laughter suddenly, and his ears perked. It sounded like a beautiful woman, he could tell. He went around the corner and saw...his date. With a man.
"Clara?" he asked, dumbfounded.
"Oh! Russell," Clara said, covering her mouth with her hand. "I'm...I'm sorry. I forgot all about you."
"Clearly," Russell snapped. The other man smirked. Russell did not like this guy. He was dressed to the nines in a suit, and he was obviously younger than Russell. He felt his manhood being threatened.
"I think the lady has made her choice," the man said.
"We better hurry. You have to get up early to leave for your training tomorrow," Clara simpered. The man made a biting gesture and growled suggestively.
"Later," he said to Russell, who watched them walk off together and hail a cab.
"What the hell?!" Russell exclaimed to nobody.
The Next Day
Jeff was eating his eggs and bacon with Audrey beside him sipping her coffee when Russell came into the Island Diner.
"So, are you a Daddy?" Audrey asked, snickering.
"No! God! Give it a rest. She dumped me," Russell added as he sat down.
"She dumped you? That's a first," Jeff said sarcastically.
"Well, technically she was stolen from me," Russell corrected.
"Stolen? She's not property," Audrey said, raising a brow.
"Whatever. Anyway, this guy knew he was taking her from me, and he mocked me! Right in the street," Russell said, pointing.
"I'd like to meet this guy," Jeff nodded.
"He's a jerk," Russell whined.
"He's better than you obviously," Jeff pointed out.
"No! Nobody is better than Russell Dunbar!" Russell shouted, running out.
"Why do we hang out with him again?" Audrey asked Jeff. He shrugged.
...
Russell wanted, no, needed to find out who this guy was. He made his way over to Clara's where he found her crying when she opened the door.
"Go away!" she shouted, moving to slam it.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Russell said, catching the door. "What happened?"
"He left in the middle of the night. He didn't even say goodbye," Clara whimpered.
"Oh, that's terrible. Aw, honey," Russell said, reaching for her. She backed away. He chastised himself. Of course she wasn't ready to move on yet.
"I'm swearing off men forever," she told him.
"F-forever?"
"Yes."
"Damn it," Russell muttered. "Who was he? What was his name?"
"He was Ted Mosby. He's an architect. He had to go to training today to learn how to build space buildings for outer space."
"Wow," Russell said, trying not to laugh. Even he knew it was a ploy. A good ploy. And she fell for it?! This guy was good...
"He's a jerk! I hate Ted Mosby," Clara sniffed.
"Want me to beat him up for you?" Russell asked, not really meaning it. Her eyes brightened.
"Yes! I'd like that," she nodded. Russell gulped.
"O-okay. I'll...I'll go find him. Where did you meet him?"
"McLaren's Pub," she answered.
"That place? Really?!" Russell asked, astonished. He'd only been there a few times, and it had sucked. The barman, Carl, had basically called him a wiener. A tiny wiener. Russell had a difficult time getting dates there after that, so he gave up.
"Yes. Oh, Russell, please beat him up bad," Clara said, touching his arm.
"Will do, baby," Russell said, patting her hand. He turned to leave. He hoped she couldn't see his legs shaking.
...
He stood outside of McLaren's pub, hesitating. Did he really want to get beaten up? He had to be honest with himself. The guy was much taller than he was, and he looked scary. Russell liked his face. He didn't want to mess it up. Then he remembered Clara and how upset she was. This would win him points. He had to do it. He stepped into the bar.
"Hey, Tiny Wiener," Carl said, laughing. Russell ignored him. He looked around.
"I'm looking for Ted Mosby," he said.
"Ted? What for?" Carl asked.
"No reason. Just wanna meet him," Russell answered. Carl pointed to a booth near the end.
"He's down there," he said.
"Great. Thanks," Russell responded, making his way to the booth. There were three people sitting there. One was a woman. A mighty fine looking woman if Russell didn't say so himself. The two guys were rather goofy looking. One was bigger than the other. Neither of them were the guy Russell saw the night before.
"Ted Mosby?" Russell asked, looking at the three of them. This had to be a joke. Carl was just making fun of him. Bastard.
"Yea?" the shorter, black haired guy said. Russell stared.
"You're Ted Mosby?"
"Yes. Is there a problem?" Ted asked, laughing a little.
"I'm not sure," Russell said honestly. "You are not the guy I saw last night."
"What?" Ted asked, confused.
"What's up guys?" a voice said behind them.
"Hey, Barney, were you pretending to be me again last night?" Ted asked. Russell turned around and gasped. It was the man.
"Pfft, no," Barney lied. "I've got better things to do than pretend to be you, Ted. God, don't be so narcissistic."
"Y-You!" Russell shouted, pointing. Barney stared at him.
"What?"
"You! You stole my date!"
Barney looked him up and down and then burst out laughing.
"You're right! I totally did," Barney agreed, sitting down beside Ted. "That's the shorty I was telling you about."
"You and me, outside!" Russell said, his voice shaking. Barney raised his eyebrows.
"Excuse me?"
"Outside! Now!"
"Um, I don't think so," Barney laughed. He sipped his scotch that the waitress had brought over.
"I may be small, but I'm tough," Russell lied. He hoped he sounded tougher than he felt.
"Is fighting always the answer with you guys?" the woman asked.
"Yes, Lily, sometimes it is," the other man answered.
"Marshall, tell me something," Barney started. "Do you think I can take this man?" Marshall looked Russell up and down.
"Oh yea."
"Then all right, let's go outside," Barney said, standing up.
"W-whoa. Really?" Russell asked.
"Yup. This way," Barney said, steering him to the back door. Russell was panicking. Not the back door!
"Wait, wait, wait!" Russell shouted. His shoes squeaked on the floor as Barney pushed him through the door and into the alley behind the bar. Russell gulped. This was gonna hurt.
If you have time, a review is appreciated. I hope you liked it!
Update on Sept 1rst: I switched this from crossover to only HIMYM fandom cos after almost a month, only one person has read it. I'll swap it back when it's done. FYI you'll probably see some Swarkles going on ;) I know you may not have seen Rules of Engagement, but Russell is SO much like Barney it's not even funny, so that's why I wanted to write them together. I thought as a duo they'd be hilarious.