Learning how to live together

"Jesus!" Ted exploded, storming out of the bathroom. Barney looked up in surprise, quirking an eyebrow.

"It's Robin!" Ted explained. "Towels all over the floor again! We've talked about that! Jesus! She's such a grinch."

Except he didn't say "grinch".

Barney looked momentarily panicked. "Ted… you're not going to…?"

Ted shook his head. "Don't you worry, the friends-with-benefits thing really is over."

Barney let out a huge sigh of relief which Ted couldn't help but notice. "Dude, you don't want a room mate do you?"

Barney's eyes lit up for a second and then he snorted. "You're kidding, right?"

"Right."

*--*--*

Barney slid smoothly into the booth beside her and she hurriedly wiped her eyes.

"Hey," Robin said.

"What's up?" He asked her, his expression softening from the usual smirk.

"Ted," she mumbled, pulling out a tissue and blowing her nose. "I can't stand it. I'm moving out."

He looked down, noticing the suitcase on the floor beside her. "You got somewhere to go?"

"Hotel," she sighed. "Probably..."

"Don't be stupid. You're coming home with me."

"What?"

He pulled a face. "Just for tonight?"

"You won't try any moves?"

"Please!"

"Promise?"

"Kill-joy."

"Just for tonight." She smiled gratefully. "Thank you, Barney."

The cab ride over was pleasant enough. Barney broke out the celebratory cigar early, and they shared it between the two of them, passing it back and forth and seeing who could make the better smoke ring. Barney tried very hard not to notice the taste of her lips mixed in with the tobacco as he took his first puff.

"There won't be any strange women in your shower when I get there, will there?" she teased.

He just laughed.

Then whipped out his cellphone and dialled his house number, just to be on the safe side.

No answer. Excellent.

When the cab pulled up outside his building, Barney was quick to slide out, holding the door open for Robin; holding all the doors, in fact, the very model of a gentleman. Except that he made comments at every door…to keep up appearances and all that.
Nothing overly racy, though, just enough to get that smile on Robin's face. The one where her lips tugged up just a little at first, but then it grew quick into a full on grin while a small laugh tumbled out.
"You're terrible," she said as they reached his door, lightly smacking his shoulder.

Barney held the door open for Robin, and she stepped inside the apartment.
"So, where am I sleeping? The couch? The floor? The fire escape?"
"There's always my bed," Barney said, winking at her. Robin smiled and rolled her eyes. How could she still be so pretty and perfect, even when she was shooting him down? "I could always clear out the suit room."
"No, don't bother. I'm just here for the night, after all. The sofa will be fine." Robin put her suitcase down and took a look around. "You know, this apartment's pretty cool."
"Glad you think so."

From the doorway he watched her shrug off her blouse, exposing creamy skin to the air. She reached into her suitcase for her silk sleep camisole.
"I know you're watching," she said calmly, back still turned.
Where was his awesome comeback? The sight of her, half-naked in his living room, had frozen him. He couldn't speak.
Decent now, she turned to face him, but at the sight of him she burst out laughing.
"What? It's comfy!" he defended.
"Ridiculous, you mean," she shot back, still grinning.
He slunk back to his room to change. This nightshirt would have to go.

Robin soon regretted her prior decision. The couch- albeit fashionable- was a bitch to sleep on. She sighed in exasperation, and tried to forget about the lovely, awesome bed back at Ted's apartment. Sitting up, she made to shift her position, but froze when she saw something out of the corner of her eye.
Rigid, she blinked for a moment, rooted to the spot, as she wondered what the pale figure was, what it was doing in here, and where was her gun when she needed it-
Oh wait. The Storm Trooper.
Damn it. She should definitely be asleep right about now.

*--*--*

Barney lied in bed, trying not to picture the contours of Robin's bare back. He would be tossing and turning if not for his suitjammas. There was only one thing to do: Porn up! He'd keep the volume off. Maybe he'd even towel the door like a weed-smoking college student to block out the glare.
He threw off his duvet and tiptoed out towards his porn collection. There was Robin, holding his copy of Buns and Ammo. She would pick that one.
He tried to leer, but her surprise at seeing him turned it into a genuine smile, "Nice, Scherbatsky."

"Should we pop it in then?" Barney asked. It wasn't like he hadn't watched porn with someone before. In fact, about two weeks ago, Lily had come over to watch "Big Trouble In Little Vagina" and brought her own box of porn along too. Apparently, Marshall had found her vibrator and had freaked out like a little girl.
"Sure," Robin smiled. She plopped down on the sofa and was instantly bathed in a harsh glow.
Not only did she get watch hot chicks handling their guns, but she got to do it with Barney. What could be better than that?

Barney was becoming increasingly turned on, and it wasn't the Charlie's Angels antics that were doing it. Robin was leaning over, responding more and more loudly to the whole thing. He would have complained, but was focusing on being blase about the great view he had of Robin's cleavage.
"Say, want me to get some drinks?" She left the room without waiting for an answer, and Barney settled back down, determinedly looking at what Lacy Lutcunt was doing with her mouth to the security guard and not Robin's backside.
"Scotch or beer?" she asked.
"Both!" he cried. He'd need it.

Robin couldn't help but notice how his suit-jamas had appeared to tighten across his groin. Her mind flashed back to that night and she felt a heat that had nothing to do with "Buns and Ammo III". Robin thought maybe another night with Barney was just what she needed. Unfortunately, he seemed to be really engrossed in the 'movie'.
"Hey-- Barney?"
"Hmm?" he replied, barely reacting.
Robin decided to change tactics, motioning to the wall-screen, "I was just thinking about the last time I did that…"

He seemed frozen for a moment and then with a patented Barney-grin, "I'm listening…"

"Well," said Robin, "I dare say there's nothing like the feeling of cold metal against burning hot lips to drive a girl over the edge..."
Barney tried not to notice the way her lips slid over the neck of the beer bottle, tried not to picture them sliding over –
"Mmmnnnngh..."
The sound that escaped his lips was barely covered by the tinkle of ice as he raised his glass to his lips. The alcohol burned down his throat, the ice numbing his lips and mouth.
"Metal, Scherbatsky?" he scoffed, shifting to face her. "In my experience, ice is usually more...gratifying."

Robin laughed, but she looked away, he cheeks colouring. Okay, so this was weird. He was turned on. She was really turned on. Christ, when she'd lost her job, he'd helped her out. Now she was homeless, he was helping her out again. And all she could think about was how much she wanted him to take that ice cube and…
So not a good idea!
But her mouth ran away with her. "Hmm… I don't know! This guy I once dated wanted me to… well, in Canada we call it a Brown Icicle… It was funny. And kind-of painful!"

Barney shifted closer to the arm of the couch, trying to get as far away from her as possible. As far away from her and that delicious mouth that was threatening to drive him insane.
"Do you watch porn with all your house guests?" Robin stuck him with a gaze that made even the moans and groans from the television set seem obsolete. He leaned back against the arm of the couch, attempting to act natural.
Ha. Natural. He was ready to burst. He was way past natural.
"Only the ones I really like."
Play it cool, man.
Yeah.
Sure.

"The ones you like, hmmm?" Robin asked, setting her hand lightly on Barney's knee and leaning just a little closer to him, pressing her lips against his ear to whisper. "So you like me, then?"
Barney turned his head, pressing his lips against Robin's. She was quick to respond, leaning even closer to him, pressing her body up against his. He pulled his head back slightly, taking a deep breath.
"I love you," he whispered, then tilted his head to continue the kiss, but Robin had pulled away.

"What?" Robin said. She stood up. "What?"
"Um..." Barney tried to speak, but he couldn't figure out the words. He forced a chuckle. "That was totally a joke."
"What?" Robin wished that she could think of something else to say, but goddamn it. She felt like a robot in one of those campy old movies, because this definitely did NOT compute.
"Yeah," he continued. "Me? Love? Please."
Robin ran her fingers through her hair, trying to get a hold of herself.
Barney gave up the façade and stood up. "Robin..."
"No! Don't..." She sighed. "What the hell, Barney?"

"Maybe this was a bad idea," she said, getting up. "I should just go, put up with Ted for another night..."
"No! Nononono..." What were these Feelings doing to him, trying to keep a girl in his apartment? "You've totally got the wrong idea... just because I say I 'love' something doesn't mean I actually have... feelings for it. I'm always overusing that word."
"Oh really?" She looked sceptical.
"Yeah... like sometimes I'll say I love..."
"Tacos?" she asked, raising her eyebrows but relaxing the tiniest bit.
"Yeah," he agreed, though he gets a funny knot in his stomach. "Tacos."

"Maybe we should just get some sleep," Robin said, turning off the DVD and silencing the heavy panting.
"Okay," he replied, but his dead eyes didn't match his steady tone.
Barney loved her like he loved tacos. That was okay. Tacos were damn good, but it wasn't like he'd give them cutesy pet names. Wouldn't make them share dessert or smash them into a tiny, restrictive mould marked "happily ever after."
Robin almost wished Barney did love her like he loved tacos. Tacos were so lucky! But the thought was too stupid. She buried her head in her pillow.

Barney stood awkwardly in his living room.
"So, yeah... I'll see you in the morning then."
"Good night." Robin said, she was already under her covers again.
"Night", he lingered for a moment before walking to his bedroom, desperate to escape the sight of Robin. Not that he didn't want to look at her, it was just too painful. Damn feelings, they ruin everything. He shut his door.
It took him a little over 8 seconds to open it again.
"You know the couch really isn't that comfortable. You'll barely sleep, wake up with a sore back, tossing and turning..."

Robin tilted her head and pursed her cherry lips, clearly unimpressed with Barney's safety pick-up line. "If you honestly expect me to get into bed with you tonight, Stinson, you're going to have to think of something better than the 'sore back' line."
Barney's lips twitched and he forced the metal walls to close around his heart, keeping her rejection at bay. If a bimbo had been standing in Robin's place, he wouldn't be putting up with this shit at all. A bimbo would hop into his bed, pleasing the Barnacle in all the ways her mama never taught her.

"You say 'get into bed with you' like it's a bad thing. I didn't hear you complaining about it last time."
"Barney," Robin started warningly. She was so not in the mood for Barney's insanity at the moment.
"Look, Scherbatsky, it's a big bed. Believe it or not I am capable of just sleeping. It was just an offer, you know, chivalry and all. Sleep on the couch for all I care, whatever. If you change your mind the door is open." With that he turned back into his bedroom and let out the deep breath that he wasn't aware he was holding.

Robin watched Barney retreat back into his bedroom as she mulled over his offer. Until 10 minutes ago when he'd said it ("mm-hmm-hm"), she would have been in his bed already. And they would not be just sleeping.
But he had. And now Robin was uncomfortable on his super-fashionable-but-crap-to-sleep-on couch.
Robin tossed back the blanket, tiptoed to Barney's room and peeked in. "Barney?" she whispered.
"Hey," replied Barney with a smile, "I was hoping you would come to your senses…"
Robin slid into his bed, hyper-aware of his proximity to her. Yep, it was going to be a long night…

Barney was wrong when he said it was a big bed. There were two inches between them, max. Robin rolled over to face the wall. This was so weird. W-I-E...zzzz.
When Robin woke up, the room was still pitch black. The heater must have kicked on in the middle of the night, because the cozy body pillow that she had her arms wrapped around was toasty warm. She nuzzled her face deeper into it. She felt more relaxed than she had been in quite awhile.
Just as she was about to drift back to sleep, the body pillow sighed.

Barney hadn't been able to sleep - nothing could quell the yearning inside him to just wrap his arms around Robin and softly kiss the brown locks tumbling over her neck.
And then she'd rolled over in her sleep, resting her head against his chest, sliding her arms firmly around him.
When she nuzzled into him, it tickled like hell, but he bit his lip and lay still, sending silent thanks to the Big Guy for the soft warmth pressed against him and the long, slender leg that wrapped around his.
He sighed, wishing every night could end this way...

Robin shifted, pulling the pillow closer to her. In her groggy state of mind, she thought she heard the pillow sigh, but recalled Ted telling her she often made play-by-play hockey commentary in her sleep, so she thought nothing of it. Probably more weird dreams…

Barney sucked in a breath when he felt her stirring, not wanting her to wake up and make this moment end. She was a sound sleeper, thankfully, and a few minutes later her breathing evened out and he was left staring down at her beautiful face.
Damnit, why did he still have these feelings?