"Did you want it to last longer?" the young, tall, muscled bartender asked as he slid another scotch in-front of me.
I stared down at the amber liquid in the glass. I reached out to it and with one swift movement of my wrist, swished the liquid around before downing the whole thing.
"Of course I did," I wanted to keep that feeling of being complete, of being loved, with me forever. "But I guess things change, even if you don't want them to. " I wanted to believe that, I really did, but deep down I knew I didn't.
I was in love with this woman. It was the best time of my life. She was the only one who made me feel real, alive. When she touched me, even if we just brushed arms in passing, I was on one of those natural highs. The kind that make you feel as if nothing can stop you. The kind that put a big goofy grin on your face.
We were closer than anyone we knew. Nobody could ever tell what was being said, what we could get from the other in just one look, in one smile. That was when we communicated best. When we didn't have to use words. We told each other everything, whether it was intentional or not. I don't think we could have kept anything from the other if we wanted to. We were perfect together. It was as obvious to everyone else as it was to me.
"Do you regret anything?" the bartender asked, giving me yet another scotch. The alcohol was loosening me up. Allowing me to talk about things I would normally keep locked inside.
I had to think about that for a moment. I hated when people asked if I regretted anything. "Yeah, sure, there are times when I'll wish I'd said something, where I'll be drowning in my work and just start asking 'what if?' you know? But. As I said. Things change. In the end things happen for a reason."
I never knew what to say to that. There were still the time when I'd break down in tears of anger and frustration. Thinking, what if we really were meant for each other? What if she was the one? What if I'd done things differently? What if I'd stopped being such an ass earlier? There were other times, I hated to admit it, but I was glad it was over. What is it had all been a huge mistake? I might have risked my job for nothing. What if it wasn't as good as I thought it was?
What if... there were a lot of those now she'd gone. I tried to bury myself in work, my usual defence mechanism, but this time it just didn't work. There were the times when I'd just sit still for a moment, and everything would just flood back. How she had kissed me. Now I think back, I sensed something was wrong. I should have gone after her. I should have tried to stop her going. Then there was the letter. The simple letter, telling me everything she thought I should know, telling me that I was her only one. I just got angry whenever I thought about that now. How could she have just left me a letter? A letter was the easy way out. But then, that's what I would have done. I guess we weren't so different after all.
"Do you still talk?" the bartender asked.
"We spoke a few times, then there were a few e-mails, but not now. We lost touch," I shook my head, downing yet another scotch.
It's unreal to think back now. I see her everywhere. At the lab. In the new CSI, Andie. I see her in every child victim I come across. I see her in every battered woman. At Christmas, all I can think of is standing on her doorstep with her, holding her in my arms, kissing her, the snow falling down around us. The clear night make me think of lying with her on the grass, gazing up at the stars. The film Godzilla makes me think of the time on my bed, when she was eating a tub of ice-cream, after that weird case of the people who thought there were alien-reptiles amongst us. I see her absolutely everywhere.
"It sucks, you know, always having to second guess how it would have ended," I sighed. The liquor really was working.
He nodded and continued cleaning his glass.
"You just have to hope it all works out in the end," I said as I leaned back, finishing off my scotch.
So that's it. Just a quick one-shot. Reveiws are always good?? Please??
GrissomzGal