Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 4
EPISODE 5
Airdate: November 7, 2015
"Fake It"
Special Guest Stars: Tony Sirico as Uncle Carmine
SCENE 1
Columbia Funeral Home
Seattle, Washington
A large group of people have gathered at the funeral home for Uncle Carmine's service. Many close mafia friends, friends of the mafia friends, former lovers of Carmine, and Carmine's accountant are on hand for the occasion. Mr. and Mrs. Jennings, Mrs. Jennings being Carmine's sister are in the front row crying. In the row right behind them are the kids: Testicular Sound Express, KG, Anna, Halley, and Adriana. RK looks almost traumatized as the camera cuts to a close-up of his face, covered in despair.
BUSTER: I can't believe Carmine died after getting shot. I thought it was just two bullets.
WADE: Well, one shot to the arm and another to his spine. He was on borrowed time, but he could have pulled through if his heart was strong enough.
BUSTER: He just gave up?
WADE: Wasn't really a conscious decision. I guess he ended up going into shock or something.
KG: I killed him.
WADE: What?
KG: I said, I killed him. I was the one who wouldn't even talk to him when he was in the hospital. If I could have just seen him, he would probably still be alive.
RK: KG, don't talk like that, you didn't kill Uncle Carmine. One psycho did and he might face life without parole at the worst.
JAYLYNN: Good. Let him rot in the slammer. He's just glad I'm not on the jury.
HALLEY: Why? What would you have done to make it better?
JAYLYNN: Halley, I don't have time for this, do you know how inappropriate it is to do this now?
RK: I'm going to the bathroom, tell Mom and Dad.
ANNA: RK, is there anything you want to talk about?
RK: Not really. My uncle's dead because he didn't pay his debt on time and...that's pretty much it. Nothing else matters.
ADRIANA: Are you still eating after the funeral?
RK: I'm not really all that hungry, Adriana. Someone else can have my plate.
RK walks away to go to the bathroom and all the kids stare at each other concerned. The camera cuts to the Jennings parents.
MRS. JENNINGS: Gerald, I'm worried.
MR. JENNINGS: What, about the funeral? Everybody's going to die someday. Including you.
MRS. JENNINGS: The kids, honey. I mean, they loved my brother more than I loved him. Imagine how they feel right now.
MR. JENNINGS: Well, if you're so worried, we could always go see a child therapist. They specialize in helping your kids when they go wacko.
MRS. JENNINGS: That's a great idea. We could go tomorrow. RK and KG don't have to go back to school until they're ready.
At that point, one of Carmine's friends walk up to Gerald and Melissa.
STEVE: Hi, I'm Steve Diller. I worked with your brother killing people and whatnot. He kept the place from being all fruity and whatnot.
MR. JENNINGS: Who?
MRS. JENNINGS: That's really nice, Steve. I know Carmine appreciates you being here in spirit.
STEVE: Sure. Hey, do you guys know where I could hit up his girl?
BUSTER: Sparky, you're not saying anything. You always have something to say.
SPARKY: Dude, I've always been a little scared of funerals. This is the closest I've ever been to someone dying.
BUSTER: You've never lost anyone?
SPARKY: No. Have you?
BUSTER: The ice cream man on my block. I was devastated.
SPARKY: Um, I don't think that's what I was going for.
BUSTER: It still hurt. I couldn't eat ice cream for a long time after he died.
SPARKY: Really? When did it become okay?
BUSTER: About a week after he died.
SCENE 2
Tartakovsky Adolescent Psychiatrist's Office
Interior Waiting Room
Seattle, Washington
The Jennings family is in the waiting room at the office, with silence.
MR. JENNINGS: So KG, quick question. Why do you sound like that?
MRS. JENNINGS: Gerald!
KG: Puberty, Dad.
MR. JENNINGS: Oh, that makes sense. I remember when I went through puberty. I believe it was my sophomore year of high school. My arms were getting longer, my legs were getting longer, everything got a lot longer especially down there. I had to keep buying new drawers because whenever I tried putting on my old pairs, they would just...
MRS. JENNINGS: So RK, how are you and your friends? Do anything interesting this year?
RK: Well, Jaylynn got to meet her deadbeat dad. And we traveled back in time and I think Buster fell in love with Halley or something.
MR. JENNINGS: I always thought Jaylynn was okay. Not all that interesting, but okay.
MRS. JENNINGS: Must you always say the wrong thing?
MR. JENNINGS: If I think too much about what I say, I'll never be able to relate to my kids.
A black female assistant from the clinic pops out of the door near the Jennings clan.
ASSISTANT: Dr. Osborne will see you now.
RK: Wait a minute. Oh no.
The family walks into the room and takes their seats. A man at his desk spins around in his chair and reveals himself: Dr. Osborne, RK's former therapist from season two.
DR. OSBORNE: Hello Mr. and Mrs. Jennings. Are these your kids?
MRS. JENNINGS: Yes, they are.
KG: Hello sir.
RK: Yes...hello.
Dr. Osborne winks at RK and sighs.
DR. OSBORNE: Look, Mr. and Mrs. Jennings, this is usually the part where I ask the parents to leave. I like to be more intimate with the children I see every day.
MR. JENNINGS: Are you going to molest my kids while I don't know about it, you sick bastard?!
MRS. JENNINGS: Gerald! Yes, Dr. Osborne, we'll leave as you get to know Ryan and Kevin.
DR. OSBORNE: Don't worry. It feels like we're already familiar.
MR. JENNINGS: I swear, if you take pictures of them...
DR. OSBORNE: I'm not.
MR. JENNINGS: Just checking, creep.
Gerald and Melissa leave the room at that moment and Dr. Osborne goes back to his desk.
RK: What are you doing here?
DR. OSBORNE: I'm working. You didn't want anything to do with me, so I got another job. Ironically, we meet again.
KG: RK, you know this guy?
RK: Of course I do. Remember when I was going through my depression? He kinda helped me out. Then he went on the lam and never returned any of my phone calls.
DR. OSBORNE: It was a very difficult time.
RK: You updated your Facebook every day.
DR. OSBORNE: My phone just couldn't handle that level of attention at that very difficult time. So what brings you two here? Bankruptcy? Natural disaster? Death of a family member?
KG: Yeah, our uncle just recently passed away.
RK: He was killed, man. Listen, doc, let's just cut the schmoozing and really talk turkey. What can you say to me that 100 other therapists out there can't?
DR. OSBORNE: You're very special. All of my patients are very special. And I want you guys to be honest with how you feel.
KG: I feel like I'm the reason my uncle's dead. If I could have just seen him once, just once in that stupid hospital, he would still be here.
RK: KG, that man made a choice to play with his life. You didn't kill him, he killed himself.
DR. OSBORNE: How do you figure that if it was a deliberate homicide, RK?
RK: It's the fast life, doc. He knew the risk. All I know is, I don't wanna see no crying at my funeral. People think they know you and how you feel, but they really don't. Everything means nothing. The world doesn't care about the little things, so why should we? I could be dead tomorrow.
KG: RK, get a grip.
RK: I don't want to. Uncle Carmine was killed because of his bonehead mistake. I'm not going to feel sorry for him just because he's dead.
DR. OSBORNE: Let me buzz your parents back in.
KG: What the hell are you doing?
RK: Telling the truth. I don't plan on being an emotional wreck like you guys.
Mr. and Mrs. Jennings walk in at that moment after being called back in.
MR. JENNINGS: Hmm, that was fast. Did you see all you wanted to?
DR. OSBORNE: Seriously, why does he think...
MRS. JENNINGS: It's a long story. But that was pretty fast. Why?
DR. OSBORNE: Well, I knew exactly what I was dealing with. Kevin, could you leave the room for a moment?
KG: Yeah, sure.
KG leaves the room with a bewildered look on his face.
DR. OSBORNE: Mr. and Mrs. Jennings, I hate to be so forward here, but I'm afraid your son is exhibiting signs of Asperger's Syndrome.
RK: WHAT?!
MRS. JENNINGS: Ryan, don't lose your temper so easily. WHAT?! Look, I don't know where you got your degree from, but my son is not now, nor has he ever been autistic.
MR. JENNINGS: Honey, I think you're misunderstanding him. He means that RK is artistic so we're in the clear.
DR. OSBORNE: No, I know what I said. RK is clearly representative of the social problems found with kids on the autism spectrum.
MRS. JENNINGS: Like what?
DR. OSBORNE: Well, let's see. Lack of empathy, not picking up on social cues, improper eye contact, flat speech patterns. I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Jennings, but you should consider getting Ryan tested before it becomes too late and the other kids start bullying him.
RK: This has to be some kind of joke, right? Right?
MR. JENNINGS: Um, little buddy, I...I'm afraid this might be for real. If you have autism, we need to make sure of it before we start avoiding it.
MRS. JENNINGS: I guess I could arrange some appointments.
The camera cuts to RK running his hand through his hair, with an extremely annoyed look on his face.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is on the couch with a pamphlet that the other kids in Testicular Sound Express take a look at.
SPARKY: "So You Think You Might Have Asperger's." This is ridiculous, you don't have Asperger's.
RK: That's what I tried telling my parents, but they don't care. They want me to go for more tests to confirm whether or not I have it.
BUSTER: I never understood how Asperger's works. Does that mean RK is a little slow now?
WADE: No, Asperger's Syndrome is a neurodiverse social condition that affects how the brain works and it's a form of Autism Spectrum Disorder. What we find easy, they find a little challenging. It usually hurts people who can't easily function in social environments.
RK: And I don't represent that at all. Look, I know I'm a little weird from time to time, but this is taking it a step too far. I CAN'T HAVE ASPERGER'S. It'll ruin my rep.
WADE: You're ten years old, you don't have a rep yet. And since when did you care about what people think?
RK: Since I told you to shut up, that's when.
BUSTER: Hey! Maybe you just caught Asperger's from a kid that already has it. You can just find the cure and you'll be fine.
JAYLYNN: Buster, Asperger's Syndrome isn't contagious and you can't cure it. It's not a disease, it's a mental condition that develops when you're a little kid.
SPARKY: Remember Mr. Enter, Buster? He has Asperger's too.
BUSTER: Oh yeah, he does. But I don't think RK does. They would have found it a long time ago.
RK: Thanks, guys. I know I can count on you for support.
WADE: One thing I will say is that I'll be the first to go investigate if you're diagnosed with it. I know people with Asperger's and you don't fit the criteria.
JAYLYNN: What are all these pamphlets for?
RK: Oh, they were just on a shelf at the office. They have a whole bunch of these so I just took them for whatever reason.
Sparky takes one of the pamphlets and starts scratching his head.
SPARKY: Date rape? What in the world is date rape?
BUSTER: Ah, I'll tell you when you're older, Sparks.
WADE: You know, I don't think you guys should be reading about this stuff.
RK: Let them. That's how I learned and KG learned.
WADE: Really?
RK: No, we just watched a lot of Degrassi and found out the rest later on.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky catches up to a stone-faced Buster in the hallway and puts his hand on his shoulder.
SPARKY: Buster, what's up?
Buster eyes Sparky's hand, screams, and then flips him over.
SPARKY: Dude, are you out of your mind?! That's how people end up in wheelchairs at age 21!
BUSTER: Oh, Sparky, it's you. I'm sorry, I thought you were a rapist.
SPARKY: What?
BUSTER: Well, I read the pamphlet over and over yesterday. It was life-changing. Did you know that rapists don't have to be strangers? They can be anyone you know, even yourself.
SPARKY: Why would you rape yourself? That's not even possible.
BUSTER: To ward off the other rapists so they can't get to you, I don't know! It's a sick world out there, Sparky!
SPARKY: Dude, I read the pamphlet too but you have nothing to worry about. As long as we stand our ground and say "no," nothing will happen to us.
BUSTER: Are you sure?
SPARKY: Of course. Rape is about power. If you tell the rapist "no," that takes away their power and they can't harm you.
BUSTER: And no one person can have all that power. Wait a minute. Are you sure this will even work?
SPARKY: It's in the pamphlet, it has to work.
ASHLEY: Hi guys.
BUSTER: Oh my God, it's Ashley! Remember, anybody can be a rapist. What do we do?!
SPARKY: We just keep calm. The last thing you want is for her to see you sweat.
ASHLEY: How are things?
BUSTER: Um...I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO! GAAAAHHHHHH!
Buster runs away screaming as several kids stare at him with confused looks.
ASHLEY: What was that about?
SPARKY: I don't know. But one thing is for sure. You don't know me, you never saw me, and you can't touch me.
ASHLEY: Um, okay?
SPARKY: Good, we're on the same page.
Sparky slowly backs away and puts his hands up against his body.
SPARKY: You guys are all being watched, I hope you know that!
SCENE 5
Tartakovsky Adolescent Psychiatrist's Office
Interior Mrs. Deveraux's Room
Seattle, Washington
RK's parents are in the room and approached by Mrs. Deveraux, a specialist in dealing with kids on the autism spectrum.
MRS. DEVERAUX: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Jennings, my name is Mrs. Deveraux. I'm here to give you guys a test today.
MR. JENNINGS: Just for the record, I didn't study so could you just give my lovely wife the test?
MRS. DEVERAUX: This test requires no studying, Mr. Jennings. It's the Asperger Syndrome Diagnostic Scale, or ASDS. It's a developmental exam that helps determine if your kid has the disorder. It covers topics such as cognition, maladaptive behavior and social interactions.
MRS. JENNINGS: So Ryan isn't going to take the test?
MRS. DEVERAUX: No, not at all. But we're going to compare your test results with the results of other kids who have Asperger's, and if they line up, your son will most likely be diagnosed with it.
MR. JENNINGS: Are we the only ones taking this test? Because I don't think it's fair how we have to and no one else does.
MRS. JENNINGS: For God's sakes, Gerald!
MRS. DEVERAUX: Ordinarily, anyone close to the kid takes the test. Siblings, teachers, school counselors, the like.
MRS. JENNINGS: Alright then.
SCENE 6
Tartakovsky Adolescent Psychiatrist's Office
Interior Dr. Osborne's Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is staring at Dr. Osborne, seething. Dr. Osborne takes off his glasses and scratches his head.
DR. OSBORNE: So do you still enjoy Sesame Street?
RK: Why the hell are you having me freak out and meet psychiatrists over a mental condition I don't even have?
DR. OSBORNE: RK, Asperger's is a tricky subject. Some kids have it, others don't. Some people live with it and never even realize they have it until the symptoms get worse. Then they get checked out for it, and by the time they tell people the truth, they die.
RK: You just described HIV, you quack. A person can't die from Asperger's, they're either diagnosed with it or they're not. Your behavior lately has been very inappropriate for a man of your work and I hope they fire your incompetent ass before you start infecting the minds of more and more kids!
DR. OSBORNE: Why are you getting so defensive?
RK: I'm not getting defensive, you're just getting on my nerves believing you...
DR. OSBORNE: Because it sounds defensive to me. Belligerent, even.
RK: Why are you interrupting me?
DR. OSBORNE: Interrupting you?
RK: Don't interrupt me again, I hate when people do that.
DR. OSBORNE: You hate when people interrupt you?
RK: Yes, because it shows a complete lack of respect and I have to start over. I lose my train of thought pretty easily.
DR. OSBORNE: You do?
RK: Yes. I mean, I can barely focus in school, so imagine what happens when I'm talking and someone has to interrupt me.
RK notices that Dr. Osborne continues writing in his notebook.
RK: Are you recording all of this?
DR. OSBORNE: Perhaps.
RK: Why?
DR. OSBORNE: Because I want to help you, RK, and you're not letting me.
RK: No, you're just trying to legitimize yourself as a doctor again by thinking I have some condition. Well, it's not going to work. Leave me alone! I'm sick and tired of people like you thinking you can get inside my head. You can't!
RK leaves the room and runs out of the office. Dr. Osborne takes off his glasses again and just sighs.
DR. OSBORNE: Jesus Christ, what a nutcase.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Testicular Sound Express is walking towards the lunchroom.
JAYLYNN: So when do you find out if you have Asperger's or not?
RK: Today. I just can't wait for all of this to end. Test after test, one-on-ones with all these doctors, it's annoying.
WADE: Guys, are you still reading those pamphlets?
BUSTER: They're important! Did you know that one in eight people are unaware that they have HIV every year?
WADE: No.
BUSTER: You would if you peeped the pamphlet.
SPARKY: You know, Buster, we shouldn't keep this information to ourselves. There are plenty of kids out there who could use it.
BUSTER: You are so right. But how do we do it?
SPARKY: There's an assembly on texting while driving on Friday. It will be perfect. The kids will be dying to learn.
JAYLYNN: You know, it's weird how they're having this assembly when we can't even drive.
RK: What are you talking about? We can.
JAYLYNN: Well, sometimes, I can't keep up with this shit! We can drive, but we don't have jobs? Where's all of this money coming from?
SPARKY: The government.
JAYLYNN: I get really confused when it comes to what we can and can't do.
SCENE 8
Tartakovsky Adolescent Psychiatrist's Office
Interior Mrs. Deveraux's Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is in the room with KG, his parents, and the guys.
RK: You know, you guys didn't have to come.
WADE: We wanted to, man. We wanted to let you know that no matter what happens, we're going to support you.
JAYLYNN: Same here.
RK: Aw, thanks, guys.
SPARKY: Hey, Mr. Jennings, do you eat a lot of red meat?
WADE: Oh Lordy.
MR. JENNINGS: Of course not, Sparky. You see, most meat tends to be brown.
BUSTER: Well, red or brown, studies show that too much meat increases the risk of heart disease and certain cancers. In fact, one in four Americans die from heart disease every year.
MR. JENNINGS: Since when did you guys start talking like a public service announcement?
SPARKY: We wanted to stay informed, sir.
MR. JENNINGS: Well, that's all the info I need. I can't be one of those four people! Melissa, remind me to never eat meat ever again.
MRS. JENNINGS: Gerald, this is just a knee-jerk reaction to what two kids told you.
MR. JENNINGS: It can't be. My knees are perfectly fine.
Mrs. Deveraux walks in with her clipboard.
MRS. DEVERAUX: Ooh, a full house.
KG: So what's the diagnosis?
MRS. DEVERAUX: Well, after running all the tests we could, it's official. Ryan has Asperger's Syndrome.
There is an awkward silence for several seconds as everyone in the room tries to react appropriately. Wade looks especially confused, and RK just looks up at the ceiling with despondency as the camera slowly zooms out from him.
BUSTER: Wait a minute. RK's going to die?!
Sparky gives Buster a bored expression.
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK is sitting by his locker with the same despondent look he had at the office. Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn walk up to him at that point with looks of concern.
SPARKY: Dude, you can't stay like that forever. So you have Asperger's. It's not the end of the world.
BUSTER: Yeah. Last night, Sparky told me to do some research so I know you're not going to die, and a lot of people with it go on to lead rich, fulfilling lives. Although you're going to have to be coached to understand why certain things don't work so I decided to help you. HELLO RK, MY NAME IS BUSTER! IF I IGNORE YOU OR DON'T RESPOND TO WHAT YOU SAY FAST ENOUGH, IT'S OKAY! DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL! ALSO, I ADVISE YOU DO NOT TALK IN THIS TONE! PEOPLE FIND IT VERY ANNOYING AND YOU SHOULD ONLY DO IT IF YOU'RE TRYING TO GET SOMEBODY'S ATTENTION!
WADE: Could you stop with the screaming?!
RK: Yes, I understand everything you said! People with Asperger's are not mentally retarded.
BUSTER: I never said that, RK. But I can't give you special treatment because you're on the spectrum. It will make you feel uncomfortable.
RK: That's it. My life is over.
JAYLYNN: Look on the bright side. At least people aren't in your business constantly asking about you having Asperger's.
ASHLEY: Hey guys. RK, I heard about what happened. Are you okay?
RK: The world just keeps on turning, doesn't it, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Okay, so I might have told Ashley about it. But you guys go way back.
ASHLEY: Yeah, we do. Honestly, RK, you shouldn't let this get to you. You know who you really are and you having Asperger's doesn't change that.
RK: So what you guys are saying is, just because I'm autistic, doesn't mean anything has to change?
SPARKY: Of course not. Let people look at you differently. It's not their business anyway.
BUSTER: Wade, are you okay? You've been kinda quiet.
WADE: Nothing about this makes any sense. I've known RK since the day I skipped a grade, and he does NOT have Asperger's Syndrome. I'm going to go do some research right now.
Wade angrily walks away from the gang.
JAYLYNN: What happened to supporting RK no matter what?
RK: Ah, he'll be fine. Right now, I have to get to class. Every teacher I have had to know about my condition.
RK grabs his English book and leaves.
BUSTER: Hey Ashley, do you want to hear a fun fact about car accidents?
SCENE 10
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mrs. Bernstein's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
MRS. BERNSTEIN: Alright, class, I'm expecting to see all your haikus on Thursday.
The bell rings and the kids start leaving.
MRS. BERNSTEIN: RK, could I see you for a moment?
RK: Sure. What about?
MRS. BERNSTEIN: I think it's best for you if you don't turn in your haiku on Thursday.
RK: Why? Is it because four of my last six assignments have been late? I have pressing engagements!
MRS. BERNSTEIN: No, it's not that. But with your recent news, I don't want to pressure you into doing work. You need time to process all of it.
RK: Eh, it's just Asperger's. I can handle it. Wait a minute. Is this a trick so you can improve the grade curve?
MRS. BERNSTEIN: You're a brave boy, RK. A very brave boy for going through what you're going through.
Mrs. Bernstein hugs RK at that moment.
RK: I hope this is strictly professional.
SCENE 11
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is watching TV when KG comes through the door with a large box.
KG: Guess what I got.
RK: A bunch of plastic bottles we can sell to the party store?
KG: You suck at guessing.
RK: That's why you shouldn't ask me. What's in there?
KG: A box full of Uncle Carmine's possessions.
RK: No, I don't want to see that.
KG: Come on, bro, it's not gonna hurt. We might as well check it out.
RK: Fine, but it's going to kill me. Oh look, a bunch of playing cards. I remember the first time we played with him. Then he taught us all about hustling and we won $1000 in two weeks.
KG: Yeah, we were prodigies. Check this out. There's a card with a joke on it. "What did the guy say when he got shot?" "Son of a bitch, call 911, I got shot." Eh, it's okay.
RK: Well, Uncle Carmine was always really blunt with his jokes. Even the knock knock jokes.
CUTAWAY GAG
The Jennings brothers are having dinner with Uncle Carmine.
UNCLE CARMINE: Alright, I have a classic joke right here. Knock knock.
RK: Who's there?
UNCLE CARMINE: Man.
RK: Uh, man who?
UNCLE CARMINE: Man, f*** you for thinking I was going to tell a corny ass joke!
RK and KG give each other concerned, confused looks.
END OF CUTAWAY
KG: I can't wait to be a real comedian and tell real jokes. By the way, how was your first day at school? You know, after the thing?
RK: It wasn't that bad. I don't know why everyone's so concerned. Of course, some teachers were treating me a little weird but it was nothing.
KG: Are you sure? Because, you know, I understand how messed up kids can be when they find out something like that.
RK: People barely know! What kind of shit is this, I get tested for some kind of autism, I got diagnosed with it, and that's it! Everybody has to treat me like some sort of freak show and I don't get it! I'm NOT a freak show, KG! STOP treating me like that!
KG: Okay, I'm sorry. I won't even mention it again. You want to watch some TV?
RK: No, I'm just going to go take a nap. I'm tired.
RK walks upstairs without saying anything else.
KG: But you were just...eh.
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Manny and Will are at their lockers.
MANNY: I just don't get why people think One Piece is better than Dragon Ball Z. It's not even that popular.
WILL: Dude, Dragon Ball Z is just a bunch of simple stories and lame fights. One Piece is actually deep.
MANNY: Oh, deep shmeep. That doesn't get my attention.
Manny takes out his asthma inhaler, which Buster spots across the hall when next to Sparky.
BUSTER: Sparky, do you see that?
SPARKY: What? Manny and Will? Sure I do.
BUSTER: No, not that. Manny, that thing in his hand. It looks like an inhalant. And he's sitting here laughing it up while his body is slowly rotting away like a slice of veggie pizza in the dumpster of that Arab corner store two blocks from here. I'm going to give him a little education.
SPARKY: Buster, he has to realize the damage he's doing on his own, then we step in!
MANNY: I mean, Modern Family is cool, but I just like The Big Bang Theory more.
BUSTER: Hey Santos, puffed a little today?
MANNY: I feel like you're implying something I did but I don't get it at all.
Buster slams Manny into his locker.
WILL: Okay, my mind is getting blown right now.
MANNY: Dude, what's with the hostility?
BUSTER: You're taking inhalants! Don't you know how bad that stuff is for you?
MANNY: What the hell is an inhalant?
BUSTER: Oh, don't act like you don't know. Inhalants cover a wide range of vapors and gases that anyone can get addicted to. In fact, you're at risk of death the first time you use it.
MANNY: You're talking about my asthma inhaler?
BUSTER: A-ha, the confession is laid out! You sit there day in and day out, ruining your future with...your asthma inhaler?
MANNY: Yes, you jackass. I don't think people can die from inhaling too much of what they need to survive in the first place!
WILL: Honestly, Buster, I would expect this from Manny but what you just did was appalling.
SPARKY: Buster is very sorry for what he just did. He'll calm down and issue his own apology later.
BUSTER: I feel like a dick.
SPARKY: I know you do. Now let's leave our friends alone.
Sparky drags Buster away from Manny and Will.
SPARKY: Dude, what was that? You can't just run up on somebody every time you think they might be doing drugs or drinking. We have to get the full story first and then suggest ways to help them.
BUSTER: I know, Sparky. I was way too excited there. I thought I got him.
SPARKY: I know you want to help, but pushy is a suit that doesn't look good on anybody.
BUSTER: I guess you're right. How do we help people stay informed?
SPARKY: Well, there's still that assembly. Everybody's going to be asking questions so I think we should just hold off on our little crusade until then.
BUSTER: Aw, thanks for the help, Sparky. Together we're going to make a difference in this school.
SPARKY: You said it. And all we need to do is get them to peep the pamphlet.
The scene then turns to freeze frame.
VOICEOVER: Peep the Pamphlet is a nonprofit organization that is disassociated from Thank You, Heavenly. So please, if you have a problem with our views, stop calling the network executives because they have no idea what you're talking about.
SCENE 13
Tartakovsky Adolescent Psychiatrist's Office
Interior Dr. Osborne's Office
Seattle, Washington
Dr. Osborne is lighting a cigarette when Wade walks into the room.
DR. OSBORNE: Excuse me, little boy, do you have an appointment set up?
WADE: Forget that. I need to talk to you personally about your decision to diagnose Ryan Kennedy Jennings with Asperger's Syndrome.
DR. OSBORNE: Look, I have plenty of patients, I can't just determine who you're talking about just because you say their name.
WADE: The chubby white kid with spiky hair and a lot of attitude.
DR. OSBORNE: Oh yes, the fellow who tested positive for an Autism Spectrum Disorder. It was justified, of course.
WADE: Do you have any idea who Ryan is? You were his therapist about a year and a half ago, and you know you never saw anything wrong with him. He was depressed and that was all.
DR. OSBORNE: You see, there was...
WADE: To add to that, you have a history of drug and alcohol abuse. Your word isn't exactly the most reliable. And after spending time doing further research on Asperger's Syndrome while recounting my experiences with kids on the spectrum, I can conclude that Ryan has none of the symptoms that would qualify him for the condition. So what, he's a little eccentric? That's what makes him unique. You can't just look at every single kid who marches to the beat of their own drum and then claim they lack neurotypical behavior. It doesn't work that way.
DR. OSBORNE: I don't have to answer to you, you're just a child.
WADE: Really something how I can see what someone with your credentials and your profession can't. Deep down inside, you know RK doesn't have Asperger's Syndrome.
DR. OSBORNE: DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?! I'M AWARE OF WHAT I DID, I KNOWINGLY MISDIAGNOSED THE BOY!
WADE: You made a ten-year-old think he has a social disorder when he doesn't? What kind of doctor are you?!
DR. OSBORNE: I haven't been a doctor in months. I landed this job and I had to make my presence felt. If I could spot some kind of condition in these children, it would earn me more respect. There's more value in helping kids who have an actual "problem," a lot of child doctors know that. And Ryan was such an easy target.
WADE: But you can't have your patients thinking they have something when they don't. If people find out about this, it will ruin your reputation even further. Look, do you want to be respected?
DR. OSBORNE: Of course I do.
WADE: Then it starts with doing the right thing. Tell RK that he doesn't have Asperger's.
Dr. Osborne looks at his desk, takes off his glasses and sighs.
SCENE 14
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK is talking to Sanna and Ashley by his locker.
RK: And that's just how it happened, honestly. He needed a sidekick and I needed an after-school job. Then I went into this crazy store...
SANNA: What are you talking about? We wanted to know about your Asperger's.
RK: Oh, that? Sorry, I thought we were talking about something else. It's been pretty good so far. I haven't gotten that much homework since my diagnosis, the kids all think it's pretty cool. My sister Annie thinks I'm some kind of science project.
ASHLEY: Could you please stop that?
RK: I'm sorry, you guys keep setting me up! But seriously, I thought it would be a big adjustment trying to cope with Asperger's. Turns out I have nothing to be scared of.
SANNA: I'm just glad they caught it in time.
RK: What are you talking about?
SANNA: Well, I always thought you were a little weird and now I know why. It's not all your fault. It's just autism, you can't control that.
RK: Yeah, I can't. I'm going to head to class now, big geography paper due in a few days.
ASHLEY: It's lunchtime.
RK: Yeah, that's what I meant. The cafeteria is serving cookies shaped like countries on the world map. I better get my hands on Iceland if you know what I'm saying.
SANNA: Yeah, we know. We'll see you later.
ASHLEY: Bye RK.
RK: Yup, bye.
RK runs into the lunchroom.
SANNA: You know, I love how open he is about his Asperger's.
ASHLEY: Yeah, it doesn't seem to bother him that much. But that's RK for you.
RK: Seriously, what did she mean by that?
Wade runs towards RK and into his backside.
WADE: Sorry RK. I was just in a rush.
RK: Wow, Wade, I haven't seen you this excited since Stephen Hawking almost came to this school.
WADE: Yeah, but that was a terrible day. Freaking school teasing us. But anyway, I have big news. I went down to Dr. Osborne's office yesterday and I made a huge discovery.
RK: You were talking to my therapist?
WADE: Um, yeah. But anyway, it turns out that he misdiagnosed you. You don't really have Asperger's!
RK: I don't?
WADE: Nope, it was a total snow job. Come on, man, jump for joy! You know, it really isn't jumping for joy if you're just going to stand there all stationery and whatnot.
RK: I don't think I want to jump for joy.
WADE: What are you talking about? I thought this is what you wanted.
RK: At first, yes, but things are different now that people know I have Asperger's. No one expects anything from me anymore. At all. I can walk to class and not have to worry about a thing, I get less homework. I even got complimented on my ensemble the other day.
WADE: What ensemble? You wear the same freaking clothes every day.
RK: That's the point, dude.
WADE: Look, I get that you're happy with the way things are going, but don't you understand that millions of people out there struggle with autism every day?
RK: According to Sparky and Buster, it's more like 200,000 in the U.S.
WADE: Regardless, you can't keep this lie going forever. Sooner or later, you're going to run into somebody who actually has Asperger's and they're going to know you don't have it. You're not as neurodiverse as the test results say you are. Misdiagnosis is a thing, you know. And this is just offensive to kids who really have this condition.
RK: So? They're not making sure I eat.
Wade has a look of disgust on his face.
WADE: You insensitive little bastard!
Wade walks away in a huff while RK starts thinking more about what he just said.
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
A few days later, the texting while driving awareness seminar is being held. The kids are causing a commotion with the constant shouting.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: WILL EVERYBODY PLEASE SHOW SOME DECORUM THIS AFTERNOON?! Thank you. Welcome to today's big meeting to discuss the dangers of texting while driving. I have brought some folks here today who will tell you about their experiences with this problem, and everybody will get to ask questions. I really hope this seminar goes well because after the Stephen Hawking one, we can't afford another bust.
Wade is shown at that moment with a slightly annoyed expression.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: But first, two of your peers asked for some floor time to share some facts on important issues facing your generation today.
JAYLYNN: Does he mean...
WADE: Oh, he means.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Please put your hands together for Sparky MacDougal and Buster Newman!
The kids give raucous applause as Sparky and Buster stand on stage.
SPARKY: Ladies and gentlemen, there's a lot going on in the world today and I was hoping that my partner and I could share some bullet points with you.
BUSTER: Yes indeed. Did...did you know that...death rates amongst middle-aged white Americans are rising due to things such as drug abuse and heroin overdose?
WILL: That's the same thing, right? It has to be.
MANNY: It's probably a combination of the two.
WILL: Well, I guess.
SPARKY: In terms of diabetes, as of 2014, approximately 9.3% of Americans have diabetes and of the many that have it, 21 million have gone undiagnosed.
BUSTER: It's true. However, we should also talk about sexually transmitted diseases and infections.
Cut to Sparky and Buster sitting down in the principal's office. Principal MacGregor looks annoyed.
SPARKY: I thought you said we could talk about anything we wanted!
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I did, but I never meant for you to get on your political soapbox! Who approved this scabrous filth anyway?
BUSTER: You did, sir.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Oh. You're right, I did. I was probably drunk at the time.
SCENE 16
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is watching TV and laying on the couch eating potato chips when KG walks in.
KG: RK, what are you doing?
RK: Watching an old Western film. I'm telling you, this cowboy is so stupid. He thinks that by blowing a trumpet, the snake is going to come out of its lair so he can kill it. I bet two dollars that's Phil Hartman.
KG: It's getting late. Don't you think you should be going to sleep?
RK: KG, I have Asperger's, remember? I have to focus all my energy on one thing or else I'm going to lose my mind.
KG: I highly doubt that.
RK: Well, there's another movie coming up after this one. I have to make sure my special autistic powers allow me extra endurance. Hey, do we still have Ben and Jerry's?
SCENE 17
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
RK is entertaining Manny, Will, and Clyde with a few stories while Wade eyes him suspiciously from the lunch line.
RK: And so, sometimes, when people with Asperger's feel it coming on, they can see the future. Well, anybody with autism can.
MANNY: Cool. Is that like a superpower?
RK: Of course it is. You see, people can say all they want about us, but the autism spectrum community is going to run this country one day. White House, 2032. We're taking over this sucker.
ASHLEY: RK, Mrs. Bernstein wants to know why you missed the last assignment.
RK: Ashley, it's simple. I sperged out all over the paper. There was spergy goo on it and I was a total sperg when I wasn't allowed to watch TV. Now do you want me to hand in an assignment that's covered in Asperger's?
ASHLEY: You might as well tell her that.
RK: Why don't you tell her that, creep? You're the messenger girl. Chop chop.
ASHLEY: Do you know who you're talking to?
RK: Do you know about the foot up my ass? Wait a minute, I screwed up the punchline. Us autistic folk can do that. What I meant to say was, do you know about the foot up your ass? Now f*** off, little girl, I don't have time for your jibjab.
ASHLEY: Look, I don't take kindly to that kind of language, SO IF YOU EVEN THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT YOU'RE GOING TO...
WADE: ASHLEY! Calm down. He's talking out of his ass, he's on bath salts, he's delirious.
RK: What's going on? Are you guys expressing emotions? That makes me very uncomfortable.
Ashley and the rest of the guys walk away in silence.
WADE: Could I ask you a question?
RK: Sure.
WADE: Are you on some kind of special medication or are you just that stupid?
RK: Wade, people with Asperger's can hardly deal with emotions, you know that.
WADE: You're making an absolute mockery out of people who actually are on the spectrum. What the hell is going on with you?
RK: Look, it's not my fault people don't know about Asperger's or autism or any of that. I have this situation licked. If they want to stay misinformed, that's their problem. And by the way, if I were you, I wouldn't be asking so many questions. It's not like you would ever understand.
SCENE 18
("Fake It" by Seether playing in the background)
RK has now fully embraced faking his condition. He gets a call from Dr. Osborne's office that tells him the truth. He almost loses his cool, but hangs up the phone politely. He renames himself on Facebook, using the moniker "RK the Aspie Jennings." Wade is incensed at RK's refusal to stop, so he calls in Sparky and Buster and plots with them. Meanwhile, RK goes to a support group for kids with Asperger's Syndrome. He seems uncomfortable throughout and ends up going home crying, wondering what is happening to him. Later that night, he stays up watching TV and eating donuts. KG simply shakes his head and heads off to sleep.
SCENE 19
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, RK walks into school with a melancholy look on his face. He walks up to the guys who are near Sparky's locker.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, how do I get a locker like this?
SPARKY: Well, you stay organized and keep track of your assignments, you never have to worry about clutter. Also, Halley sometimes puts her items in here so even if I wanted to, she would yell at me anyway.
RK: Hey guys. How's it going?
Nobody says anything to RK.
BUSTER: So who's getting the soup today at lunch?
WADE: I might. I have an affinity for cheddar cheese.
RK: What's going on here, I'm not talking to an oil painting!
SPARKY: Oh, really? That's just how we treat people who lie about having a social disorder.
RK: You told them?!
JAYLYNN: We found out. Apparently, kids here think people with autism are psychics and have superpowers because of what you told them.
RK: Well, you know. Kids believe anything they're told.
BUSTER: Oh, so now you're using that crappy excuse? That got old in the second grade.
RK: Look, I'm sorry if it caused any trouble. But what can I do?
JAYLYNN: Nothing. Because until you show us that you're above this kind of thing, we're not speaking to you.
RK: You're what?!
WADE: RK, pretending to have Asperger's is bad enough, but exaggerating it for your own personal gain is deplorable. You went too far trying to get attention and now you're on your own.
SPARKY: RK, if something's going on with you, you should have talked to us instead of pulling this crap. That's why Buster and I are here. To inform people so they don't end up like this because you took advantage of them.
RK: Guys, I can't...I can't live without you guys. Please, don't leave me! YOU CAN'T, YOU JUST CAN'T!
WADE: RK, calm down, you're causing a scene.
RK: WELL, MAYBE IT'S FOR THE BEST! EVERYBODY OVER HERE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT WHAT I DID AND HOW I WENT TOO FAR! I KNOW I LIED AND I KNOW I WENT TOO FAR! I'M JUST A BIG FAT PIECE OF SHIT WHO HAS NOBODY TO TALK TO! YOU GUYS THINK YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BUT YOU DON'T! SO GO AHEAD AND LEAVE ME, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! JUST LIKE CARMINE, YOU CAN ALL DIE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ANYBODY IN MY LIFE ANYMORE!
At that point, RK falls to the floor and breaks down in tears. Everybody is bewildered at this scene.
RK: I love you guys, please don't leave me. I'm sorry for everything, I don't want you guys to hate me.
SPARKY: Nobody's leaving you, man. It's okay.
At that point, the guys start hugging RK and the camera slowly zooms out before a few teachers rush in to officially put an end to the commotion.
SCENE 20
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is sitting down with KG, TSE, and Anna.
BUSTER: They're kicking you out of school?!
RK: No, I asked for some time off. I don't think I'm ready to go back because I'm still dealing with a lot of grief.
SPARKY: About your uncle?
RK: Yeah. He meant so much to me and when he died, I didn't know how to handle it. I became a wreck.
JAYLYNN: So why did you fake having Asperger's?
RK: It just seemed so easy. People always treat me like I'm different, like there's something wrong with me. After I found out I had Asperger's, I felt better. Now I had a reason for being so weird.
WADE: RK, don't let anybody treat you differently just because you're quirky. Everybody on this planet is weird in some way. It's about embracing who you are that counts. You're one of the most thoughtful, creative people I know. If everyone else sees that as a handicap, that's their problem.
RK: Thanks Wade. And thanks for setting me straight. I think I would lose my mind without you.
WADE: No problem, buddy.
ANNA: So what happens next?
RK: Well, I'm going to a new psychiatrist to help me deal with my grief and that will help me come back to school quicker. Don't worry. In about a month or so, RK will be back and better than ever.
ANNA: Well, I'm going to make sure I'm with you every day until you get better.
RK: I love you, Anna. I'm sorry I ignored you so much after the funeral.
ANNA: It's okay. You've never had anyone in your family die before. You had to deal with it.
KG: Well, I'm just glad everything is back to normal.
RK: Not yet. There's work to be done.
SCENE 21
("Hero" by Family of the Year playing in the background)
RK has started opening up about his feelings towards Uncle Carmine's death. He starts talking more to his psychiatrist and spends more quality time with KG watching TV, playing video games, and eating ice cream. He also goes out with Anna more than he was before. They stop at Ken Griffey Jr. Park and run around chasing each other. They reach the big hill and end up tumbling down together. They start cackling at the top of their lungs, then wonder what was so funny and just walk away from the hill with bored expressions. He even has dinner with his parents at a nice restaurant. At one point, he takes the bread that is served to every customer and starts stuffing them in his pockets.
KG: Dude!
RK: Trust me, they want you to take them.
Sparky and Buster are given a second chance to inform the school. This time, they are holding an assembly on Asperger's Syndrome and autism spectrum disorders in general. The students are shown asking questions and taking notes. After some time has passed, RK is ready to return to school. He takes his car, parks in the lot next to Sparky's car, and walks in by himself. There, he sees TSE by his locker. They put one rose on his locker and taped it.
WADE: Welcome back, buddy.
RK: It's good to be back. Hopefully.
Testicular Sound Express, as one whole group, heads down the hallway together as the camera slowly zooms out. The scene then cuts to Dr. Osborne walking outside of the office and getting apprehended by two policemen.
DR. OSBORNE: HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
POLICEMAN: We have reason to believe that you are in possession of child pornography.
DR. OSBORNE: What?! I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict, not a porn enthusiast!
POLICEMAN #2: We received an anonymous call with graphic depictions of your internet activities and letters written to various child stars on Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, and Disney XD.
DR. OSBORNE: I DON'T OWN CHILD PORN, GET OFF ME! You know absolutely nothing about the callers?
POLICEMAN: All we know is they told us you should have peeped the pamphlet.
POLICEMAN #2: Watch your head, you're going downtown.
Dr. Osborne is handcuffed and thrown in the police car. The policemen quickly get into the car and drive off. The screen then fades to black. Testicular Sound Express is now shown at Game 1 of the 2015 World Series in Kansas City, sitting in the luxury box at Kauffman Stadium.
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Give Up the Goods (Just Step)" by Mobb Deep featuring Big Noyd playing in the end credits)
©2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS