Raison D'Etre. (Reason To Be, or Reason To Exist.)
Sakurazaki Setsuna sheathed her sword, and wiped the light sheen of sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand. She had just completed an hour of morning training, and she was pleased. Not only was she training for a very important purpose, she was training to perfect her moves, which was in itself, a pleasure for anyone who was serious about what they wanted to be good at. Setsuna smirked, and reviewed the moves she knew. Among Cherry Blossom Strike, 1000 Cherry Blossom Strike, there were many more of the techniques from the Shinmei School, and she felt that she was sufficiently equipped with the moves she needed to protect Ojou-Sama. Now, the real pleasure, she knew, whether you practice swords, or martial arts, or even Parkour, the real pleasure came from knowing that you weren't a total master at it, but the journey to become the master of your chosen art was often in itself just as rewarding as finally becoming that master.
Setsuna once again wiped sweat off her forehead, and decided to check on Ojou-Sama, then take a shower. Setsuna bent down, and picked up her sword sheath's fabric case, sliding it in and tying it closed. She slung it over her shoulder, and checked her footing as she walked down the stairs leading to the platform where Negi-Sensei often practiced his martial arts, near the world tree. The sun hadn't risen yet, but as she stepped onto the ground, she could see Negi-Sensei coming toward her, waving and calling her name.
"Heyyyy Setsunaaaa!" He called, starting to jog.
Setsuna waited until Negi had reached her, before nodding.
"Ohayo Gozaimasu, Negi-Sensei." She said, bowing. Negi hurriedly returned the bow, then looked at her sword case. "You were practising?" He asked. Setsuna nodded. "Yes, you were correct when you told Ojou-Sama that there's no point unless you do it every day." She said. Negi remembered back when he had been training with Ku Fei in martial arts, to become Evangeline's apprentice. He sighed as he remembered the after-math. Konoka had promptly decided to call the Library Expedition Memers, Nodoka and Yue, and they had insisted on following. The encounter with the dragon shortly after that, he didn't even want to bother with remembering...
"Ahh, hai!" He said. "Hai hai, I'm here to begin my morning training also." He said. "Do you usually come here every morning?" He asked. Setsuna nodded, black hair on the right side of her head falling into her eyes.
"Yes, I wake up at three-thirty, and I'm out here by four, and I train until five." She said. "I'm correct in assuming that you train from five until six?"
Negi nodded, grinning. "Hai hai!"
Setsuna held back a smile at his childish enthusiam, knowing that he was anything but childish.
"Well, I must return to check on Ojou-Sama, so I bid you farewell." She said, bowing. "See you in class."
Negi returned the gesture, then immediately began stretching, getting ready to run through the moves he had been taught by Ku Fei.
Setsuna, still energized from her training session, began running, heading toward the dorm area. As she rounded the corner of the building, her eyes widened at what she saw, and she immediately flattened herself against the wall as sixteen Kaede Nagase's ran by, each waving and greeting her.
"Ohayo Setsunaaa!"
Setsuna smiled at the odd scene, but knew the move Kaede had used.
"What a ninja..." She said to herself, continuing on.
Setsuna arrived outside Asuna's dorm just in time to catch her on the way out, and Setsuna greeted her, conserved.
"Greetings, Asuna-san." She said, bowing. Asuna grinned and slapped her shoulder. "Not so formal, Setsuna!" She said. Setsuna nodded. "Ah, I see." She said. She relaxed, and indicated the hallway behind her, leading outside. "Going to do your newspaper route?" Setsuna asked.
Asuna nodded. "Yup, every morning now that someone at the place up and quit." She said. "But it's fine by me, more money I get." She said.
Setsuna nodded. "Well, mind if I go in and check on Konoka-Ojou-Sama?" She asked. Asuna shook her head.
"Nope, I don't mind, just like I didn't mind yesterday morning, the morning before that, or the morning before that." She said, grinning. She winked at Setsuna, and Setsuna found herself temporarily mesmerized by Asuna's beautiful eyes, the right one a pale green, the left a vibrant blue..
"Ahh, thank you Asuna-san." She said, tearing her gaze away from Asuna. "Good luck with your route." She said, entering the dorm.
Asuna thanked her, and took off jogging, exiting the building, and heading down the street. As she did, she passed the plateau where Negi was training, and she stopped for a second, to watch him. He was unaware of her presence, which was just as well, for she didn't really want him to know that she stopped by every morning to watch him for about ten minutes, admiring his determination.
He's such a stubborn kid...Every damn morning he's out here, training his "Kung Fu." She watched him for a few minutes more, leaning up against a post, and she eventually lost herself to his movements, watching him duck, twist, punch and jab his way through the air, keeping an elegant, mature look upon his face, while still retaining his childish cuteness, only contrasted by his fierce look of determination.
"No.." She said softly. "He's no child. No child would have such dedication. He's a boy warped by tales of his father's successes, and he will stop at nothing to reach his side..."
Asuna watched him for a few minutes longer, then 'tsk'ed, continuing on. She jogged down to the newspaper shop, and picked up two bags, slinging them over her shoulders, letting them drape down onto opposite hips. She loaded up, and began running, wondering how it was possible for Negi to be so focused, when there were a million and one other things going on.
Setsuna walked lightly, not wanting to wake Konoka up again. She had probably already been awoken by Negi, when he went out, then Asuna, when she got up and left. With the lights out, she couldn't see, and her eyes weren't adjusting as quickly as she wanted to, so she didn't see the box on the floor beside the bed. She kicked it as she walked over to the bed, and it knocked over, throwing something onto the floor. It made a loud thumping sound, and Setsuna froze, feeling her heartbeat skyrocket.
"Mnn, Asuna, you forget something?" Konoka asked sleepily, rising out of her bed. Setsuna blushed, and wondered what to do.
"Ah, no, Konoka-Ojou-Sama, it's me, Setsuna, I came to check on you."
Konoka was immediately awake, a smile on her face. "Se-chan?" She asked.
Setsuna's eyes adjusted to the darkness, and she could now make out Konoka's face against the black background.
"H-hai." She said. "But it appears that you're fine, so I'll just g-"
"Ahh, you just got here Se-chan, please don't leave!" Konoka said. "Come lay down with me, spend a few minutes with me before you go." She said. Setsuna shook her head, but Konoka wasn't awake, or alert enough to see the motion.
"Konoka-Ojou-Sama, I can't..."
"Yes you can Se-chan!" She said. "Please? If you don't, it'll make me cry..." Konoka said softly.
Setsuna took a step closer, and held up her hands. "Really, Ojou-Sama, I can't lay with yo-" She was cut off by Konoka sniffing lightly, then a second later, Setsuna's sharp eyes caught sight of a tear rolling down Konoka's cheek.
"Ahh! Ojou-Sama! Please don't cry!" Setsuna said, immediately starting to worry. The tears didn't stop, and a second later, another one leaked out, sliding slowly down her cheek, then dropping onto the blankets.
Setsuna, not wanting to be the cause of Konoka's tears, immediately threw her sword up onto Asuna's bed, and gently sat down beside Konoka.
"Konoka-Ojou-Sama, please, shed no more tears." Setsuna said, sounding distressed. Konoka said nothing, instead, she turned, and put her arms around Setsuna's waist.
"K-Kono-"
"Thank you Setsuna." She said quietly. Setsuna's eyes widened, as she realized that this time Konoka's voice sounded different from all the other times she had fake cried to get her way with Setsuna. This time she sounded sad, worried and troubled.
"F-for what?" She asked.
Konoka nuzzled Setsuna's neck, and Setsuna blushed, feeling Konoka's lips brushing against her neck, her warm breath tickling her.
Setsuna returned the embrace, and rubbed her back. "What's wrong, Konoka?" She asked.
Konoka shook her head. "For some reason, I started thinking that you were protecting me only as a way to repay your debt, and that you didn't actually like me as a friend." Konoka said, her voice shaking. "Every time I want to hang with you, you have some excuse to get away from me, and it hurts." Konoka said, hugging onto her tight, afraid to let her go.
"It feels that the more I let you go, the further you get from me, and I'm afraid that one day you'll have some excuse to not hang with me, and that'll be it, after that, I'll never see you again, and it hurts, it scares me so much that it becomes hard to breathe..." At this, Konoka started crying again, and as Setsuna's neck became moist with Konoka's tears, Setsuna's eyes narrowed as she felt guilt seeping up inside her.
"I'm sorry Konoka-Ojou-Sama." She said. "It's not that I don't want to spend more time with you, I do, but I'm often busy with training." She said. "True, I am indebted, and I'm doing my best to work it off, and I take it very seriously, so watching over you and training to become stronger became my first priority." She said. "I'm really sorry, Konoka."
Konoka realized that Setsuna finally said her name without the honorary "Ojou-Sama", but she was too worried to feel happy about it.
"Why do you try so hard to protect me?" Konoka asked. "Why can't you just be my friend?" She asked. "Stay by my side, and let us discover new things together..."
Setsuna sighed, and closed her eyes. "Believe me Konoka, not a day goes by that I don't crave a deeper relationship with you, but as your protector I can't allow it." She said.
Konoka sniffed, and squeezed her eyes closed. "What about Negi? Asuna? They can protect me, can't you give that up?" She asked. Setsuna's eyes widened, and suddenly she felt like her heart was being squeezed by a giant fist, intent on crushing the life out of her. She felt a wave of heat pass through her body, then she broke out into a cold sweat in the after-math, shaking and trying to catch her breath.
"Konoka, to ask me to give up fighting would be like asking me to give up life itself." Setsuna said, her voice shaky. "But please believe me, the last thing I want to do is come off appearing selfish. I fight for you, I fight to protect you, so you may live a live unharmed." She said. Her eyes softened, and she held Konoka a bit tighter.
"I couldn't bear to stay by your side without the strength to protect you also, Konoka." She whispered. "It would plague my soul, and tear me apart from the inside, knowing that anything could happen and I would be powerless to help you." She said. "Fighting to protect you is all I can ask for, and I believe it is my raison d'etre." She said. "It's the reason I can go on day to day, pushing my body to new limits and repeating torturous methods of training, all for you." Setsuna said. "If I were to suddenly give all that up, I'd...I would be an empty shell without life, or reason." She said. "When danger comes near, I'm not at all pleased, because I know that there may be the chance that I'll fail, and you could end up hurt, or worse, but in the end, when training pays off and I see you safe, it all becomes worth it, the early mornings, the time I could have spent with you, but was instead spent with the sword, the cuts, bruises, broken bones, it all becomes worth it when the mist of battle fades, and there is Konoka, safe, unharmed." She whispered. Setsuna felt tears coming, and she let them fall, hiding nothing from Konoka.
"I realize that what I do might seem selfish, but it is all for you, and no one else." Setsuna said. "And is such, take away Setsuna's sword, and what does Setsuna have left?" She asked Konoka. "Setsuna has nothing, no other skills at which she is proficient. I cannot draw, teach, cannot even talk to others confidently, I'm no good with computers, I can't write, or create things with my hands, I'm not particularly smart, either...Take away Setsuna's sword, and you take away her reason to live." Setsuna said quietly.
Konoka started crying harder, but she tried to choke her sobs by burying her face in the crook of Setsuna's neck. Setsuna rubbed her back slowly, knowing there was no way she could stem the flow of tears.
"Every day I fear that something will happen to you, Konoka, and the truth that comes out of every imagined situation is that I have failed, failed to save you and protect you. It serves as a reminder that I can always train harder, and for every drop of blood I shed in training and fighting, I think it is one less drop of blood Konoka will shed, for I will be stronger, more able to protect her." Setsuna said. Setsuna gently pulled Konoka down so that they were laying on her bed. Konoka curled up to Setsuna, and hugged her tight, still crying, still wishing that she could have Setsuna.
"Setsuna...please..."
Setsuna rubbed her back, and shook her head.
"I'm sorry Konoka." She said. "I've devoted my life to swords, it's all I know, and it's all I'll know until I die, and to me, it's a life well lived." She said. "I'm serving my Ojou-Sama, and I couldn't be happier." She lied. She knew she could be happier, she wanted to be more to Konoka than just her protector, but it was deemed that protecting Konoka-Ojou-Sama was all that would be done by Setsuna.
Konoka pulled away from Setsuna's hug, and wiped her tears away. "I could be happier." She mumbled. "Does that make me selfish, a bad person?"
Setsuna leaned a bit closer to her. "Sorry?"
"I could be happier." Konoka said again. "Does that make me a bad person?"
Setsuna shook her head. "No, it doesn't." She said. "You deserve so much more, to be so much happier, and yet I am unable to give it to you." She said.
Konoka sniffed again, and looked into Setsuna's eyes. "If you are unable to give me happiness, does that mean you can't receive happiness?"
Setsuna thought about it, looking down at her hands. "I-I'm not sure...I receive all the happiness I could ever want, and more happiness than I deserve just by watching over you, I don't know if I'm entitled to any more..."
Konoka reached out, and touched Setsuna's cheek, making her blush, and look up to meet Konoka's gaze. As Setsuna looked up, Konoka leaned in.
"I give this small piece of happiness, and pray you will accept it with a welcoming embrace..." She said, before summoning up her courage and placing her lips upon Setsuna's.
Setsuna's eyes widened, and she felt her heartbeat speed up as she felt Konoka-Ojou-Sama's soft, sweet lips against her own. As Konoka kissed her, Setsuna didn't struggle. It was semi-real, something Setsuna had desired for so long, but something she thought would never happen. To resist now would not only hurt Konoka, but it would stop the very thing that Setsuna had wanted for a long time. She slowly let her eyes slide closed, and she slowly slipped her arms around Konoka's slender waist. As Setsuna felt Konoka's lips upon her own, felt Konoka in her arms, thought about where this might go, and where it might end, Setsuna realized that she now had another reason for training even harder. Train harder, to protect this shy, but friendly, long-haired beautiful girl, to make sure that her happiness was preserved, train to make sure that nothing would come between Konoka and her life.
Konoka broke the kiss to catch her breath. Setsuna stared up at her, taking in every ounce of her beauty, as her confused thoughts slowly started to resolve themselves.
"Setsuna, if you would be so kind as to consider...don't throw away your sword, but if you could...could make me your raison d'etre...?"
Setsuna slowly smiled, and reached up, slipping her fingers around to the back of Konoka's neck. She could feel the heat coming off her neck, and it was an obvious sign of her embarrassment. Setsuna gently pulled her down, and kissed her again.
As Setsuna placed her lips upon Konoka's, Setsuna knew that she had to train really hard. More so than she ever had. She had to train, to make sure that not only did Konoka not get hurt, but that she herself did not get hurt. She needed to train, to make sure that nothing came between herself, and her raison d'etre.
A/N: In this one-shot, I wanted to demonstrate my interpretation of Setsuna's dedication to her sword, and her desire to protect Konoka. Being a one-shot, it isn't as developed as I'd like, but the main idea is obvious, I think. Perhaps I will be able to evolve this into a full, multi-chaptered story some day, but for now, I have other ideas on the table. Thanks for reading, I hope you appreciate it. As to those who've followed my other couple Setsuna/Konoka one-shots, I think I'm done one-shots for a while, instead I'm planning out a multi-chaptered fic, pairing Setsuna/Konoka of course, and I hope you will read it when it comes out.
Thanks for reading, please review!