Magenta has crack! This story!! XDD
This is my random, "funny" story.
Be kind, as this is the first funny story I've attempted in months. I hope it gets a couple of giggles…at least. I know I giggled a little bit at parts…
Then again, I'm a bit touched in the head, if I do say so myself. XD
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN BLEACH. I don't even wish I did. I'd screw it up beyond belief!! O.O
Anyway! The crack…I mean...story!!
WHY IS THE TEA ALWAYS GONE?
Chapter One: The unforgivable SIN
The sky in Hueco Mundo, aside from the fake light Aizen had decided to bring with him, was a bleak and dark black.
Aizen sat in his throne, peacefully. At least, he looked peaceful to the espada who were sitting before him. God damn it, I want some tea. He thought irritably.
The espada looked calm, but beneath their cool, nonplussed exteriors, they were all trembling in fear of their wrathful god.
Someone among their ranks had decided it would be funny to play a prank on Aizen.
This prank involved stealing all of the tea Aizen had within the kitchens, and flushing it all down the proud toilets of Hueco Mundo.
Needless to say, Aizen was not happy.
"Now, would one of you tell me who did this?" he asked in a firm, calm voice. The espada were visibly trembling at that point.
"Could it have been an arrancar instead of one of us, Aizen-sama?" Ulquiorra pointlessly suggested.
Aizen slammed his fist down upon the table. "For the last time, no!" he yelled. "And besides that, all of the arrancar that could have possibly handled the tea have killed themselves out of fear. It has to be an espada." This was either flawless logic, or the refusal to believe that there was no scapegoat left.
"I'm hungry…" Yammy complained.
"Me too." A sleepy, droopy-eyed Stark agreed.
"As soon as I find out which one of you dumped my tea in the toilet, I will let you go and eat. But no one is fessing up!" Aizen glowered at his not-so-faithful espada.
"I don't think any of us did it, Aizen-sama." Halibel told him.
"What? Do you think it just up and dumped itself in the toilet, Halibel? Or—some mystical force did it?" Aizen countered.
"I wasn't saying that at all."
Gin suddenly felt the need to chime in.
"How do we even have flushing toilets if there is no water?" he wondered aloud. Then he clamped his hand over his mouth, remembering the whole tea incident and instantly regretting that he said anything.
There was a clichéd racket as Aizen explained to Gin how they had water even with the absence of water.
"Oh…." Gin's face took on a green hue as he fled the room.
"Once more, I ask you. Who committed this heinous crime?"
"Aizen-sama, we've been sitting here for three days without food…" The old guy complained. (We shall call him…Alberto.)
"Dammit, Alberto…" Aizen began to shake his fist, but Tousen interrupted him.
"Aizen-sama, if I may. Alberto has a point. You cannot keep them in here without food. If you do that, they will starve, and become weak. You will have no more espada, and will have even more to replace."
Aizen ground his fists into his eyes in frustration. The blind guy had a point.
"Fine. Go eat." He dismissed them with an angry wave of his hand.
Gratefully, they left.
&&&&&
Gin was bent over making an offering to a porcelain god, the offering being the contents of his stomach, and the porcelain god being an unsuspecting, freshly cleaned toilet.
"Gin-sama!" an arrancar cried out, backing off at the piteous retching sounds he was emitting.
"What do you want?" he demanded.
"You're supposed to do arrancar research time in an hour!"
"I'b too sick!" Gin protested. "Find subone else."
"Hai hai!" the arrancar turned and fled, searching for countless others to replace Gin for just one show.
None of the espada would agree to it.
Aizen was definitely out of the question.
Every arrancar he asked refused.
There was NO WAY he was going to do it himself.
He stood outside in the white sand, watching the night sky.
Suddenly, a green-haired little girl began running at him. He picked her up and grinned at her.
"What's your name, ojou-san?" he asked in a friendly tone.
"Nel Tu!" she giggled. "Nel was just looking for her brothers, and Bawa Bawa! They disappeared!"
"How would you like to host Arrancar Research Time? Gin is too ill—"
"HAI!" she cried enthusiastically. The arrancar was taken aback.
"R—really? Th—thank you so much, Nel!" he grinned happily at the little arrancar girl. Finally, his search was over…
&&&&&
Nnoitora was staring at Halibel. She was walking away from him, and he was following close behind her. Somehow, she was not noticing—well, either that or she was pretending he was not there.
Damn woman…nice ass…damn…
She turned suddenly, as though reading his thoughts.
"How are you enjoying your view?" she smirked.
It was quite obvious from the way he was slumped over what he had been staring at.
He straightened up, unsure of what to say. Fuck…
"Hey, I'm hungry…" he told her.
"We all are." She replied coolly. He was not going to answer her question. "But obviously your appetite lies elsewhere…"
How did she know?
"And so does mine…" he could tell she was smirking from the way her eyes gleamed, and the way she was advancing on him.
"What the fuck—oh…fuck…"
&&&&&
Aizen's throne was smashed. There was nothing left of it, just dust and random little stones.
"I WANT MY TEA!!" he cried angrily, threatening to smash more things.
"Aizen-sama—please, calm down." A nervous, low-ranking arrancar begged hopelessly.
"NO!" he countered, striding straight to the arrancar.
"Aizen-sama—what are you—no! That's not supposed to come off—oh god!! UAGH!!"
Ten minutes later, Grimmjow walked into Aizen's throne room to ask him a question.
As soon as he saw the disembodied head and decapitated body of the unfortunate arrancar, he knew that things were not right with his leader. Shit…
The sight of the smashed throne also unnerved him. The green-faced Gin lying, paralyzed, beside the rubble of said throne made all of these feelings worse.
"Leave…Grimmjow…" Gin rasped helplessly. "He'll…kill…"
"SHUT UP, GIN!" Aizen demanded.
"Yes…master…please…don't…kill…me…"
Gin had born witness to the entire arrancar incident, and that was part of the reason he still felt the need to vomit. He also valued his life, and did not want to anger Aizen.
He was also afraid that he already had angered the godly man.
And the thought of bearing his wrath…was well…unbearable.
Aizen closed his eyes, attempting to appear calm.
"Grimmjow Jeagerjacques, was there something you wanted?" he asked in what could almost be perceived as a calm and collected voice.
Grimmjow and Gin knew better.
Grimmjow had begun to back out of the room. "Err…I think my question can wait. It's really not that important."
"Nonsense, Grimmjow." Aizen smirked. "Your questions are always important." He lied.
"Oh…" Grimmjow looked down. "Well—I uh…forgot." He lied as well.
"Forgot?" Aizen frowned, his face everything a wrathful god's should be.
"Actually…" Grimmjow sighed. "I didn't…" he folded his arms and looked away. He did not want to speak his question.
"Out with it…" Aizen was losing his patience.
Fortunately, Grimmjow perceived this and stated his question. "Okay, let's say I know this guy, right? And he's the one who dumped the tea into the toilet…well, he's REALLY afraid to come forward cause—well, he thinks you're going to kill him…what should he do? You're not really going to kill him…are you?"
"You did it, didn't you?" Aizen narrowed his eyes.
"What? No!! It wasn't me!" Grimmjow's eyes widened in horror. He actually had naught to do with the heinous prank, and he had no idea who had done it.
"Oh? So then do you know who did it?"
"No! Aizen-sama, this was a hypothetical question…I thought that maybe if you said that you wouldn't kill whoever came forward and admitted to dumping the tea, I could tell the others, and one of them would confess…"
"Fine. Tell them that I won't hurt them." Aizen smirked.
"Huh—oh, okay…thank you, Aizen-sama."
"Here's my parting gift to you, Grimmjow Jeagerjacques."
Aizen attempted to send out a crushing wave of reiatsu to bring Grimmjow to his knees, but because of the stress he was under, it turned out to be a mere push. Grimmjow, luckily, realized what Aizen was trying to do.
He fell to his knees and made obviously fake gasping noises to convince his god.
"Now…go."
Gratefully, Grimmjow left, informing the other espada that if one of them confessed, Aizen would not kill them.
"Why the fuck would we want to confess something like that?" Nnoitora demanded angrily.
"We would rip whoever the culprit turned out to be limb from limb." Halibel said coolly.
"Let's just go into hiding and wait for this all to blow over…" Ulquiorra said.
"You really think that's gonna fucking work?" Grimmjow demanded, punching the air.
"Aizen-sama can't be serious about letting this continue…" Ulquiorra's tone told the others that he thought this whole thing was trash. Utter trash.
Yammy then walked in, frowning at everyone. "There's no more food…"
"You didn't fucking eat it all, did you?" Nnoitora asked.
Yammy wore a tragic, hopeless expression as his stomach grumbled quite loudly to attest that he, in fact, had not eaten any of the food.
"There wasn't any left…" he informed them sadly. "All of the cupboards were empty…and everything in the kitchen was smashed to pieces…"
"Do you see why hiding won't fucking work, Ulquiorra?" Grimmjow demanded edgily.
All ten espada wore hopeless expressions.
"Which one of you dumbfucks did this?" Nnoitora demanded suddenly, rising to his full, intimidating height.
"It was probably you." A very depressed looking Szayel Aporro Granz accused.
"Why the fuck wouldI dump Aizen's tea down the toilets? Do you really think I'm that fucking stupid?" Nnoitora advanced on Szayel.
"I don't know!" he held his hands up in a helpless gesture.
"For fuck's sake." Stark sighed. "I fucking did it."
"WHAT??" the others cried.
"No, I'm lying. I just wanted to see your reaction. I'm going to sleep."
"Goddammit, Stark, I thought you were fucking serious." Grimmjow muttered angrily.
"Well…why don't you look at the quiet espada?" he hinted.
Everyone's eyes were immediately upon Aaroniero, who had not spoken a word yet.
They all looked at each other with an "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" look, then Nnoitora threw the noveno over his shoulder.
"Let's take him as an offering to Aizen-sama!" Grimmjow grinned.
"Sounds good to me." Halibel said softly.
"I agree." Ulquiorra closed his beryl eyes.
So they drug a struggling, complaining Aaroniero to Aizen.
&&&&&
Nel Tu, the adorable little arrancar, stood blankly before a camera.
"We're on!" one of the other arrancar desperately mouthed.
"Uh…uh…" Nel's eyes widened and she stumbled forward. "I'm Nel Tu! Today, we're gonna talk 'bout…" she frowned, thinking. "My awethome, broken mathk!" she tapped said "mathk" with her fist, making a ping noise.
"Great..." the arrancar sighed, shaking his head sadly.
" Thith mathk protectth Nel'th head from damage!" Nel stated proudly, then suddenly bent over and began to vomit all over the floor.
"Uagh…Nel doethn't feel thoo good." She moaned.
"Cut, cut, oh, come on, cut!!" an arrancar cried. "Nel! Are you okay?" he asked, running to the small, chartreuse haired arrancar. She grinned up at him.
"Nel'th okay…"
Well…I suppose this is gonna be a chapter story…though how many chapters, I cannot say.
If you thought this was even the slightest bit funny, you should review! I would love it! And I might even write more than just one more chapter if you do! XDD
Hope you enjoyed!!