So I had this idea in my head and I sort of wanted to put it into words, except I don't even know how to start it. Also, I was having a lot of Sterk feels and I just sort of desperately wanted Derek to comfort Stiles? So here goes nothing, but don't expect much, not beta-read. Also Idk I feel like the characters are kind of (a lot of) OOC so there's that? Comments are more than welcome :D
P.S This is my first fic for this fandom.
Is not that it had been a bad day really; you could even say that it had been a good day. Good, easy, normal days had been happening a lot now. After their return from Mexico Stiles sort of missed the supernatural stuff that had been going on; not that he wanted people to get killed, or get killed himself; what he really needed was a distraction, he needed to stay busy doing whatever to keep his mind from wandering, to keep his mind from going to dark places... After breaking things off with Malia he had even more time to be alone, more time to just sit in his room thinking; and that scared him a little, he would try and make plans with Scott or Lydia; he would help his dad with whatever investigation he let him help with, he would focus a lot on school and lacrosse, and sometimes he even hung out with Derek. The times that Stiles found himself in Derek's loft were only a few, he kind of went there as a last resort when everyone else was too busy with their own lives, and Stiles didn't (couldn't) blame them really, they had things to do and he could stay alone for once, except he couldn't and those were the days he spent with Derek. At first it was kind of weird and unexpectedly rewarding, he would just come to the loft sometimes, he would bring snacks and they would just sit in silence both of them reading; other times he would bring a movie and sort of forced Derek to watch it because 'You can't spend the rest of your life just reading Derek' he would say, so they would sit and watch the movie, and Stiles would make a lot of comments about it sometimes even yell at the screen; but then there were other times when Stiles felt too tired to sleep, and his mind would start racing and going back to the same thoughts, or he would have nightmares waking up panting and sweating and finding it difficult to go back to sleep, those nights he would do his best to go back to sleep, to think in other stuff. Most of the time, he could go back to sleep in a few minutes, but a few nights he would stay awake until dawn.
His clock read 2:45 am; he was sitting on his bed shivering, his blanket clutched around his torso as he came back to his senses 'It was just a nightmare' he thought followed by 'fucking fantastic' he rolled around his bed, trying to go back to sleep. It was no use after trying and trying again he looked at his clock again 3:20 am. He got up and changed his clothes. If he wasn't going to sleep, he was not about to ponder over his nightmares nor was he going to stay awake alone in his room letting the memories consume him.
He stayed in his jeep for about 10 minutes once he had reached Derek's loft. He wasn't sure why he had chosen to come here and was seriously thinking of going back to his house, but the idea of that made him shiver and so he got out of his car and started to walk into the building. The thing was that if Derek were to ask why he was here he really didn't have any explanation other than 'I couldn't sleep'; he wasn't even sure if Derek was awake, It was 3 in the morning who would be awake at that time? Except he was, and he was already there so he went with it.
"Stiles?" Derek asked, confusion all over his face "What are you doing here? It's 3 in the morning" He could tell that Derek hadn't been asleep either, he could see it in his face.
"I couldn't sleep" was all Stiles managed entering the loft because really that was the truth.
"And you decided to come all the way over here because...?" Derek demanded, clearly confused by this. Hell Stiles was confused by this.
"I don't know man, what can I say. I enjoy your company?" Stiles offered trying to make joke and sounding a little wary.
They stood there in the middle of the loft, in front of the couch. Stiles noticed a cup of coffee on the table beside him, a book opened on the couch and he suddenly remember a lot of things that had happened in this place, it all seemed like a blur, like it had happened a long time ago, like it had happened to someone else. He could feel himself shaking again, other memories creeping in and the remains of his nightmares thrown in there too. He looked around the loft; Derek's eyes were on him like he was studying every movement Stiles made. The room was filled with a heavy silence and he felt like he was going to run out of air.
"Stiles" He heard Derek's voice "Are you ok?"
And Stiles wasn't ok. He was tired. Tired of, not sleeping, tired of nightmares, and tired of having to mask his emotions every day. "You know what?" He snapped sounding really angry "I am not ok!" Derek gave him a look like he was going to say something again when Stiles interrupted him
"No, Derek. I am not ok. I have not been ok since... since... I just have not been ok for a while now." He felt the words slip past his tongue and he felt a little relieved for saying them out loud. "I can't sleep at night, and when I can I have horrible nightmares, memories rolling around, and then I wake up and I can't sleep again, and it happens every damn night. I remember everything I did Derek" He admits with a pained expression, and Derek doesn't need to ask because he knows what he's talking about. "I remember the horrible things I did, I remember how it felt, how I made people feel" He starts shaking again and he isn't sure when he had stopped, or if he even stopped before.
He keeps shaking and talking "People died because of me, and don't you dare say that is not my fault, because it sure feels like it is" but Derek doesn't say anything he just listens to him, walking closer. "I remember... I... I remember hitting Kira and knocking her out... pushing that sword into Scott.. I remember the bomb... and Lydia screaming Allison's name... I..." He trails off and he feels Derek's hands on his shoulders, steadying him. He feels nauseous, and feels like everything's about to explode or something; but when he tries to talk again he feels Derek's hands pulling him closer, each arm holding him in a tight embrace, and the words die in his throat. He thinks that Derek's going to say that it wasn't his fault, that everything was going to be ok and all of that bullshit, but he doesn't say it, he just holds Stiles against him, hands resting on his back and Stiles can feel his eyes begin to water, he can feel a sob trying to escape his throat, and he puts everything in him into not letting that happen because how did he even get here? How did this happen? After a moment, he hears Derek's voice in his ear, a mere whisper.
"Stiles, Stiles just let go ok? I can't promise that everything's going to be ok. I can't promise that the nightmares will stop, but it will make you feel better. Holding all of these feelings inside won't help you. For once in your life just let your walls down, at least for tonight." and Stiles tries not to, he tries to hold back his tears, but it has been too damn long, and this is the first time that he tells anyone how he feels. So he lets go, buries his face in Derek's chest, tears streaming down his cheeks like waves, sobs and whimpers leaving his throat; and he reaches out and puts his hands on Derek's shoulders, clinging to him as if he would disappear at any moment leaving him alone. "You... almost died" Stiles mumbles softly and Derek holds him even closer a hand leaving his back to caress his hair "But I didn't" he replies "and I am not going anywhere."
Stiles is not sure of how long they had been standing in the middle of the loft, embraced into each other, not wanting to let go; he doesn't really feel it when he's being moved, too consumed by his feelings to pay attention. It's only after he stops crying when he realizes that they're on Derek's bed, Stiles is more or less sitting on Derek's lap, clutching his shirt. He moves away a little to look at Derek's face, and he gets it; Derek knows how Stiles feels, he knows what is like to feel this guilty, even if he wasn't possessed, he still understood.
"Sorry about your shirt dude," Stiles says breaking the silence, looking at Derek's shirt covered in tears and snot. Derek gives him a small laugh saying "It's ok I've got more."
Stiles moves to sit beside Derek suddenly aware that he was still on him. Derek watches him close, green eyes searching for his brown ones, and Stiles finds himself leaning into Derek, pressing his lips to his. The kiss is soft and fast, and it leaves him wanting more, so he reaches for Derek's face, pulling him close and kissing him a little longer; they embrace each other again, this time still kissing, and Stiles thinks that maybe things won't be ok anytime soon, that maybe the nightmares won't stop today, that danger could creep into this town again; but for right now he can let his walls down, and he can build them up whenever he wants, or he can stay like this forever.