Cold Feet, a bleach fanfic

TW a/n: I own nothing obviously. So much thanks to TDW for letting me be involved with this.

TDW a/n: I own nothing but the Heirverse, Cherry, Tsuku, the 'voice' [or, more realistically, the owner of the voice], and at this point in writing the series, possibly Aizen's flower language dictionary now.

I got the chance to work with the fantastic timewaster123456789 on this piece! Whom I have sucked into this universe so badly. I'll try to write faster so you're not in the slowhole phase waiting for more for very long. Deep gratitude to her, for helping me expand the heirverse piece by piece. And for the lovely little Heir echoes to the sun/moon stuff I didn't even need to ask for. Which is a really nice way to move into Helios. Feel like I need to step my game up now though for the rest of the series if just to match her skills – that "manipulator extraordinaire" line so slyly inserted into my section: just damn. Gunshot to the heart.

EDIT - This is the first in what is now known as Heirverse phase 3 - so more stories follow directly on from this. If you like this then i definitely recommend reading the rest of phase 3. Links to the stories can be found on my profile.

Notes: AiGin. Angst, fluff, existential terror, emotional distress, a difficult but necessary conversation, and some tenderness - in that order. It's... been a ride. Also in standard heirverse fashion: Game/Survive/Solitary/Heir echoes and callforwards everywhere. Mad props if you get the Heir ones.

The photo mentioned in this is this piece of pretty by Kitamura Koume: we heart it entry / 28062863 [just delete the spaces and add the usual dot com before the word 'entry' this website is stupid with links]

Alrighty. This is a long one at 10,883 words. Get comfy, get a cuppa somethin' hot, and happy reading. And we'd love to hear your thoughts on this so drop us a comment if you can :)

The trembling fear is more than I can take, when I'm up against the echo in the mirror.
- Crusher-P (ECHO)

Cold Feet

Gin waved to Ran on his way out, grinning his usual grin. "Byebye guys."

"See ya' tomorrow," Rangiku called after him as he left her and Shuuhei's apartment. "Give Cherry-chan a hug for me, 'kay?"

Gin laughed. "I will, Ran."

Walking through the streets of Seireitei to his own place he felt the glare of the setting sun on his face and blamed it for the way his eyes burned. Yeah… sure. His poker face may have improved over the decades but at the end of the day, especially where his lover and Ran were concerned it was just that, a façade. He sometimes envied Sousuke for that, the man seemed to genuinely give no fucks, try as he might it was a skill he couldn't quite grasp. That isn't to say he was warm and fuzzy like most of the teddy bears that called themselves Shinigami. No, it was just that there were people…and foxes, he thought with a smile, that had wormed their way in and he couldn't help but care. Damn it and damn Sousuke and Damn Hueco Mundo and damn the whole fucking world. Pausing in the street he breathed deeply trying to reign in his anger before he decapitated something.

Resuming his stride he contemplated the message he would leave her when he followed Sousuke, running through many ideas, gorse and Carolina jasmine for their enduring affection for each other even while apart? Fennel and oak-leaved geranium for the strength of their friendship maybe? A complicated arrangement of cactus, white acacia and ash-leaved trumpet flower: the warmth of our friendship will endure this separation?

Alas he also lacked Sousuke's ability to believe his own lies as well. He knew full well that the chances were high that Rangiku and he wouldn't both survive the coming war. No he would not, could not think of that. In the end he settled on Cyclamen, it'd appealed to his dark humor and he knew that Ran would appreciate it as well. Depending on context it could mean resignation, goodbye or voluptuousness.

And context is important, Sousuke did say.

He smirked bitterly.

Of course with his distraction now gone his thoughts immediately turned to the situation that would lead to his abandonment of Ran and the rest of his life. Ever since Aizen had gone to hole up in Central forty-six his anxiety had been increasing. Aizen'd told him enough about the Hollow world for Gin to become distinctly worried about what spending months there would do to his mind. Months! In a desolate, lightless waste, he thought himself beyond such yet could feel an icy primal fear crawl down his spine every time he thought about it. Hell, he'd even miss Kira, he gave the best reactions to his pranks. Now he'd have to make do with Tousen. Actually…

His mood brightened slightly at the thought and looking up found he'd reached the door to his apartment, one he'd bought when they'd first made this plan. To convince everyone they weren't together anymore. Entering, he collapsed on the couch, and poured himself a dish of sake. The worst part, he thought as the first drink burned his throat. Was that he couldn't even talk to Sousuke about it because for one he knew how much his partner was looking forward to finally making his move and didn't want to taint that. He wanted Sousuke to be happy—genuine happiness was so rare for him—not burdened with Gin's childish panic.

The other reason was that there was a good chance that Aizen would decide that he was going to slow him down or was no longer useful if he was going to freak out over such small things and just leave without him. That thought scared him more than anything else so he kept his mouth shut and tried to quell the growing panic trying to strangle him and freeze his feet in place. His finished his dish and poured another. Trying not to think of his shameful reaction to seeing the illusion of Sousuke butchered on the wall. Of Sousuke leaving him behind, of choosing someone new, someone better.

I thought you were past this, Shinsou commented. Gin frowned. Perfect. The snarkiest zanpaktou in the world was awake again. After all you've been through together, you think he'll leave you now?

Gin drank his sake and tried not to rise to the bait. Choosing instead to stare at his pet fox, his beloved Cherry. Watching intently as she rolled over into her back in her sleep, forepaws tucked into her chest and back legs splayed out. Her preferred position to sleep in, though Gin didn't think it looked very comfortable, though it must be because she slept so soundly. He watched her chest rise and fall as she sighed deeply.

It's possible.

Shinsou cackled. Cackled. It wasn't even a mean laugh. It was a laugh that only indicated Shinsou truly found this funny. Gin deepened his frown. That hurt. It hurt him in only the way Shinsou could.

And now yer gonna laugh at me.

I am. Because when will you get it into your thick head that he needs you? I'd thought the whole thing with Momo would've told you that.

Yer gonna bring her up now? Is that supposed ta make me feel better? 'Hey, remember that time he chose someone better, younger an' prettier than you? What's ta stop 'im doin' it again? Only this time he'll ditch ya and piss off ta Huecco Mundo!'. Yeh, great plan, Shinsou, I feel much better.

That's not what I meant and you know it. Shinsou bristled. Gods, does Kyouka Suigetsu ever have these whiny conversations with Sousuke? You know what I meant, Gin. Stop being stubborn.

Gin just frowned, silent. Shinsou sighed and changed his approach.

Look, the sword spirit began, you listen to me you stubborn little shit, that fool loves you. I know that's a hard thing for you to comprehend, and gods know why with you being so goddamn whiny and needy, but he does. Now, because he's a fool, he puts up this front to try and protect himself, but that's just what it is. A front. A facade. Very much like yours. But think about it, if he didn't need or want you, he'd have let you walk away after the affair.

Shinsou's voice became gentler, less harsh, as he spoke. Playing the role of a teacher about to ease his student into a lesson. Materialising from thin air to be around Gin's shoulders. A silver fox making himself his master's scarf. What did he do instead?

Fought fer me. Gin admitted. Begged me to forgive him... Gin cringed, remembering his own cruelty, burning all of the man's floral offerings and throwing forgiveness back in his face. Put up with all my shit.

Shinsou smirked. Do you see now?

Gin had to smirk. Regardless of the teasing and mockery in the method, Shinsou had abated his anxiety somewhat. Yeah, yeah. I see.

Good, good. Shinsou nodded. Teasing as always. Cuz I was beginning to think you were getting stupid on me.

Gin shook his head. Gods, Shinsou always had to get the last shot in. Shut up.

Gin, more relaxed now, drank his sake, only looking up when the hell butterfly came fluttering in through the window and landed softly on the back of his hand. A message from Sousuke: Come and see me. Bring a battery for the clock.

You should go to him. Shinsou said. Maybe he'll put your mind at ease. If not with his words then with...

Shinsou's smirk widened, as did the suggestiveness of his tone. Other things.

Like his mouth.

Gin fought the blush rising to his cheeks, pleased that his poker face had improved enough that he didn't turn the colour of an angry red sun at the teasing anymore from his lover or zanpaktou, and drained his sake dish. If only to still his remaining nerves. He got to his feet, feeling a little better than he had been and headed out.

Aizen stood on the dark, bone-strewn waste the scent of blood filled his nose though nothing with any flowing seemed to exist. It was a memory, not his own but a memory all the same. The sickly, bittersweet taste of decay filled his mouth and he coughed, started gagging. Sand filled the wind, stinging his flesh and he looked down to see the skin aging, dying, peeling away to leave bloody bone soon scoured white by the same eternal wind. He knew innately that this was merely a sped up version of what Huecco Mundo would be. A place where even a creature that could live for centuries or millennia as souls could do so, be in eternal agony, die without anything ever knowing it existed at all. A pure vacuum where the only things that might hear you scream would come merely to feast on your remains, not necessarily checking that they were indeed only remains.

He woke bolt upright, screaming, immediately bit it off and sat panting, heart thundering. He Stared sightlessly into the dark, torn between being thankful that the pitch blackness concealed the corpses around him and being desperately, childishly afraid. A part of him wanted to raise a kido spell just to be able to see. To know through the fog that comes upon waking that it was indeed a dream. That the world still existed and there was still light and people and things. The rational part of his mind fought back, no it could alert people to his presence here and then everything would be for nothing. Huecco Mundo wouldn't be like that anyway, he'd have Gin and as long as Gin was around everything would be okay. Slowly he calmed and settled back down eventually returning to sleep. When he woke again he'd laugh at himself and try to chalk the pathetic neediness that'd gripped him to the irrational interlude between dreaming and full consciousness. He'd fail.

Just like every other time he tried.

It was late when Aizen woke again. Or at least he assumed it was. He was still waiting on a new battery for his little desk clock, and there was no window to tell whether it was day or night. He had no idea when Gin would come. If Gin would come. Sometimes it just wasn't safe for him to come, because he would be missed, because they were still investigating Gin, not having ruled him out as a suspect yet. So it was always a gamble whether Gin would show up when summoned. So he would just have to wait and see.

Sitting alone in the dark allowed his mind to wander. Normally he liked having quiet to plan and strategize but, at the moment it was pure torture. He had never given a second thought to the trip to Huecco Mundo. When he was younger it'd seemed like a cool adventure and as he aged he came to think of it as a simple step, a move on the board. Now though…with his current situation driving reality home like a serrated spike, to be torn out when he left…he dragged in a sharp gasp into suddenly aching lungs. He'd noticed Gin's nervousness of course, hell Tousen could have seen it though he hadn't asked wanting to respect Gin's privacy he was pretty sure what was bothering him. He barked a bitter, shaky laugh too drained to lie to himself. Yeah 'respect' the truth was he hadn't had the guts, had been afraid he was right that Gin was going to back out. If Gin wanted to he wouldn't stop him but, he didn't want to invite it. So it was selfish he didn't care, actually if Gin backed out now he wasn't sure he could go through with it himself. Even if it meant losing everything he'd worked for, trying to cobble together an exiled existence in ignominy. His own personal hell but, at the moment it sounded better than going to the Hollow world without his moon.

He was panting now, raised a shaking hand to his face. The great comedy of his life even failing wasn't an option, the consequences would be unbearable.

Snap out of it! He lowered his hand in surprise to see Kyouka materialized in front of him in her wolf form. Calm. Down. She said. Right of course she was right, this wasn't going to help he tried to do so his breathing slowed a bit but, remained ragged, panicked. With a sigh Kyouka transformed into Gin and slung an arm around his shoulders.

"Fuck off!" he gasped practically throwing himself away. The zanpakuto watched him hurt and sympathy in his…her eyes. "He wouldn't…act like that."

Only because you don't let him see it idiot, she replied gently. She had returned to her wolf form and was leaning against his leg. They passed a few minutes silent except for his breathing.

When he finally trusted his voice he spoke, not that it mattered to the zanpakuto, she already knew how he felt. "Do you think he'll g-go through with it?" he winced absolutely loathing how needy it sounded. Kyouka shook her head.

I think you'd have to chain him to Sokyoku to keep him from coming. For the first time in days —weeks?— he was actually grateful for the impenetrable dark. If she could see his expression he'd never hear the end of it.

Gin arrived some time after. Though whether it was minutes or hours Aizen couldn't tell. Without the clock functioning time held no meaning anymore. But once he'd calmed down enough, he lit one of his lamps, so Gin could see and find him, he reasoned. Though he knew his moon would find his arms even through the impenetrable dark. When he heard the doors open, he stood, muscles tensed. Waiting. Half expecting, even now, for the authorities to come crashing in with a warrant for his arrest. To drag him, screaming and kicking, to pay for his crimes. His mind was already constructing an alibi for Gin – no officer, Gin had no part in any of this. It was all me – when a questioning voice called his name.

"Sousuke?"

All the tension melted out of him in a soft sigh. Relief curled its way through him, spreading warmth through his chilled body.

"Gin."

Gin slipped into the room and walked straight into his arms. And Aizen allowed himself to feel the relief spreading through him. A luxury he wouldn't be able to afford for much longer. Not until they were safely installed in the Hollow world as its rulers.

Gin seemed to sense this - perhaps from his erratic spiritual energy, his thumping heartbeat, his ragged breathing, perhaps everything – and just let himself be held. His arms, his pale beautiful hands, clinging onto him.

Aizen sighed softly. Yes, he had Gin, and as long as Gin was with him everything would be okay. Regardless of what world they inhabited.

Aizen felt his lips twitch as his mask cracked, began to slip and buried his face in his lover's neck inhaling his scent deeply. Arms locked around his Gin. "You know you're the only reason I've kept my sanity in this place." he murmured. And he could've sworn he felt Gin's smile widen, though he couldn't see it. "Come," he released Gin and gently tugged his lover's wrist. "Sit with me."

Gin smiled, oddly soft and shy for such a dangerous man, and let Aizen lead him to sit on the futon. He let Gin busy himself with replacing the battery for his little clock – a digital thing acquired from the human world – and sat drinking the sight of him. Storing the memory up for his next stretch of solitude. However long that might be. Hours, days, weeks? Who knew when it would be safe for Gin to see him again?

"There," Gin said, having adjusted the time on the device to the current time. "Now you can tell time again."

Aizen had to chuckle at Gin's levity. At his own relief at having his timepiece functioning again. It had been truly horrible, living in a windowless room without a way to mark the passage of time. He'd never take a timepiece for granted ever again. He made a mental note to have clocks installed in every single room of Las Noches, before they moved in.

"Yes, thankyou Gin."

Gin smiled softly at him, apparently reading his thoughts. "Don't worry, I'll get clocks into Hueco Mundo for ya."

Aizen smiled. "Am I really that transparent?"

"Only ta me, I think. But then I've known ya the longest."

"You also know me the best." Aizen told him, leaning in for a deep kiss that he could feel Gin just melt into, collapsing into his arms. He felt Gin moan softly into his mouth. When he broke away, he saw a faint flush of desire, a faint trace of the deep red blushes from their early days together, and it made him smile. "What did I do to deserve you?"

"Who knows?" Gin asked him. "Who cares? We got each other now, so it doesn't matter."

Aizen smiled again and held his Gin closer. "Yes," he agreed. "Yes, as long as I have you, nothing else matters."

Gin gave a light, musical laugh. A delight for his ears after days, weeks of solitude and silence. "Yer getting' sappy in yer old age, Sousuke."

"Perhaps," he agreed, watching Gin move to entwine his body with his, shifting into his lap and making himself comfortable. "Or maybe I just appreciate you more now."

Particularly after nearly losing you to my own stupidity.

"Ya best be careful else I might take advantage a yer sappiness." Gin smirked. Unable to resist a bit of teasing.

Aizen smirked, arms wrapped around Gin's waist. "And what makes you think I don't want that?"

Gin grinned at him. "That so? Good, cuz I was plannin' ta take ya fer all yer worth. I wonder if I asked real nice, you'd wear a collar and leash and bark fer me? Since yer putty in me hands now."

Aizen smiled, "Let's not go that far."

"Why not?"

"Even I have limits, Gin."

"Oh," Gin leaned close to him, voice sensual, breath warm in his ear. "What if I said please?"

Aizen thought on it a moment, entertaining the distracting, amusing notion that he would wear a collar and bark like a dog with Gin holding his leash. He had to laugh at it. Store it in his mind. Because anything that made him smile or laugh in this grim place amid the decaying bodies was worth clinging onto. No matter how ridiculous it was.

"No."

Gin released him from his embrace and crossed his arms, pouting.

"Yer also getting' borin' in yer old age, Sousuke." Gin huffed, and he had to laugh again.

"Yes, soon I think I'll take up bingo, and write letters to the editor of the newspapers." he stated, feigning thoughtfulness, rubbing his chin with his thumb and forefinger. "I wonder if I should start drinking prune juice..."

"Prune juice?!" Gin gasped, pointing his finger at him threateningly. Well, as threateningly as one could while trying not to collapse in a fit of laughter. "Don't you dare! Ya aint allowed ta turn inta tha Sotaichou!"

Aizen had to laugh at Gin's false indignation. "Don't worry, I don't plan to. It's just fun to tease you."

He listened to Gin's laughter, light and amused, and tried to store up the sound in his memory banks. Bitterly regretting that he hadn't thought to bring an audio recording device so he could play it in his darker moments to remind himself that life was still worth living. That his moon still existed in his sky outside.

He'd had the forethought to bring the photograph though. Visual proof his life hadn't just been a dream. That his life with Gin hadn't been a wonderful dream. In it, he had his glasses off, was smiling, laughing. He's just been made captain, so he was wearing the white haori, and Gin was leaning close to him.

Gin had been inspecting his scars from his run in with the lamp post, since the stitches had been removed some time ago, and wanted to check how they were healing. Finished looking, and having complimented Unohana's fine surgical skills, Gin paused, lingering for a moment.

"What?" Aizen asked him. Gin had just smiled very gently and closed his eyes, hand still on the right side of his lover's face. Nose only millimeters from Aizen's forehead.

"You smell nice."

Aizen had laughed then, "I smell nice?"

"Yeah, like tea an'..." Gin sniffed his hair again, curious. "An' peppermint."

"Ah, that'll be my new shampoo."

Gin sniffed him deeply again and he laughed, "Gin you're like a dog with all the sniffing!"

They must have accidentally set the timer on the camera on the windowsill or the desk, he couldn't remember, because sometime a picture was taken only to be discovered after the film had been developed.

It was one of his favourite photographs of the two of them. A moment in time unmarred by chessplay. A lot like this moment. It reminded him of the way Kyoraku and Ukitake were with each other when they thought nobody was watching and how once upon a time he wondered, why can't we be like that?, until he remembered he was supposed to be running a game. How things changed.

He must have been staring at the photograph for a few moments, because when Gin's musical laughter faded, he drew attention to it.

"I wondered where that one went."

Aizen lifted his eyes to Gin, and caught sight of the tender nostalgic expression on his lover's face. The soft smile on his lips.

"I remember that day." Gin said. "You were a captain then. Your scars had finally healed up."

"Yes." Aizen answered, a soft smile of his own on his lips. Only half a smirk. "You sniffed me like a dog."

Gin chuckled at his past antics. "Hey, aint my fault ya smell so good." he retorted, laying himself down onto the futon so he could better reach the framed photograph and hold it. A wide grin splitting his face. He lay on his back and held it up.

"Ah, when was this one taken?" Gin asked wonderingly. "We were so young then."

"And stupid." Aizen supplied.

Gin smiled, shaking his head. "Yer still stupid." he said, laughter in his eyes. "Crazy too. Hollow world? Really? Gotta be insane ta wanna go there."

"Well then," Aizen began, laying himself down beside his Gin. "That makes you just as crazy, wanting to come along with me to the sunless waste."

He watched Gin's smile shrink and heard his laughter die. Sousuke could see his thoughts turn inward, all the levity in the air around them retreat, replaced with an air of grimness. Of tension. He felt Gin shift slightly, laying his head on his chest, gaze fixed on the blackness the lamp didn't touch. He knew then that he'd gone and put his foot in it. Again. Shattered the light, happy moment they were sharing. Why did he keep doing that? What was wrong with him? Why did he have to put his foot in his mouth all the time and ruin things?

He never should have mentioned the sunless waste.

"What'll it be like?" Gin asked quietly. Tension making his soft whisper taut. "Hollow world?"

Aizen sighed, mentally cursing himself. Shrugged. "Sandy." he supplied. "Dark. White. Pretty much what one might expect."

Gin paused, then. And he could feel Gin's emotions in his spiritual energy. Nervous. Anxious. Afraid. And not for the first time, concern and guilt gnawed at his insides.

Stupid. Deluded. Mad. Insane. The voice echoed.

"Gin?" he called out, an attempt to break through what could only be a very deep set of his darling's thoughts. "Are you alright?"

Gin shook off the thoughts he was thinking. Aizen could see them shrink and die in his eyes.

"Yeah," Gin answered him, "Just... just nervous."

Aizen sighed. Tired. Holding Gin in his arms on the futon. "So am I."

He felt Gin's body vibrate with laughter. "You?" Gin asked, incredulous. "Nervous? Didn' think you got nervous."

"Oh, you'd be surprised." He smirked. Gin would be very surprised indeed, the things he worried about.

He will leave you here to rot.

"Oh, now I'm curious." Gin smiled at him, the tension in his voice replaced with a sense of intrigue. But it faded quickly as he sighed again. "I know what I'm nervous 'bout."

"Oh?" Aizen asked, curious now as well, lifting a hand to gently stroke his Gin's hair. Reflecting, not for the first time, how much like the moon it was. "And what do you have to be nervous about, Gin?"

Gin just shrugged. "Stuff."

Aizen pressed the issue. "Oh, what stuff?" he asked, planning to tease the answers out of him. "You can tell me."

Gin inhaled deeply, breathing in his scent, though he doubted he smelled like anything but rotting bodies now after so long down here. Gin was always adamant to the contrary, saying that he'd just gone nose-blind. So he'd dropped his arguments. Gin still wanted to smell him, and he needed that contact, so he left it alone.

"Oh, just..." Gin began, "Ya know... defectin'."

Ah, so here it was. The crux of the issues. The root of all the nerves. The anxiety. The fear. Not just for Gin.

He'll change his mind... the voice returned, You'll rot and decay on the white sands and no-one will care... You deserve it you know. Yes he knew, knew intimately. He tried to push the voice away, but the truth in the words echoed long after the voice itself went silent.

Aizen tried his best to smile and make light of it, but it was hard. He was nervous, worried, afraid. "Oh, you aren't getting cold feet are you?" he asked, keeping his voice light. Immediately he clamped his mouth shut, wanting fervently to take back the words as soon as they'd left him.

Idiot! He cursed himself.

Gin caught this, or at least seemed to, and tried to backpedal. But it was too late, he was on a bike already speeding down the hill. "No, no..." Gin protested, "Nothin' like that. I just..." Gin hesitated a moment, knowing any backpedaling he did now was useless. "It's just a big change. An' big changes scare me."

Gin let out another sigh. Long and soft. Trying to come up with a way he could save this.

"I guess I'm just..."

"Just?" Aizen prompted.

Gin inhaled very deeply, filling his lungs. He held the breath for a moment. Then sighed a deep, long and tired sigh. And soon the silence became unbearable, so him with his foot-in-mouth-disease rushed in to fill it.

"You don't have to do this with me." he blurted out. More words he instantly regretted and wanted to take back. He could hear Kyouka groaning, calling him an idiot for dropping the ball, for interrupting Gin in such an emotionally charged moment, but Gin somehow caught it.

"But I want to." Gin said softly. Head still on Aizen's chest, hand gently resting flat over his lover's heart, feeling it beat. "I told ya already. I wanna live with ya, and die with ya, an' everythin' with ya. When're ya gonna get it?"

Aizen's rolled away from him and went very still, he could feel the concern radiating through Gin's spiritual energy.

Gin lifted his head up so he could look at his lover. "ya' alrigh'?" he asked, worry filling his voice. Of course he was okay Gin was there…he should be fine. Except he'd spent the last god knows how many hours screaming silently, scared out of his mind…Aizen reached out a shaking hand, fumbling in the dimness out of Gin's line of sight for his zanpaktou. No he wasn't okay nowhere fucking close but, Gin could never know. Gin had enough to deal with.

Aizen rolled over to face him. "Always," he replied, all confidence and bravado, with a sly smile tugging his lips as he moved closer.

Gin frowned. "Now tha's jus' fucked up," he shoved Aizen back. But Aizen reached for him again.

"Stop!" Gin cried, swatting the hand away. The illusion faded for all of two seconds, going fuzzy, like television static around the edges, then strengthened. But two seconds was enough to give it away for what it was.

The fake Aizen looked at him, a smirk on his lips. "You're not serious,"

Gin wanted to slap him. "Ya' actually think I can't tell the difference tween ya' and an illusion?" he asked, enraged. Even now, after everything they'd been through together, the man couldn't be honest with him. "Jus' how stupid d'ya think I am?"

As if reacting to Gin's words, the image shivered, then broke. It didn't disappear the way Kyouka's illusions usually did, nor did melt or slide artistically the way Aizen sometimes made them to show off. No, it shattered into a thousand little shards, like porcelain.

Lights danced in front of Gin's eyes for a few moments, and he could only sit, dazed, until they faded. Once they had, he blinked his eyes several times, to regain his focus. So he could see the world as it was again, so he could think clearly now his senses were free from Kyouka Suigetsu's influence. His head swam, and he needed a moment for the world to stop spinning. An after-effect, he supposed, from the illusion shattering prematurely and without his lover's consent or control.

"Sousuke?" he called out when some of the dizziness had subsided. He expected a reassuring reply, a wry comment maybe. Instead he got silence.

"Sousuke?" he called again, louder this time. He was keenly aware the concern was rolling off him in waves, infusing his spiritual energy, filling his voice and straining it. He looked down, the rest of the fog in his mind clearing, and found Sousuke lying on his back beside him, hand over his eyes, breathing deep and ragged. Every muscle taut with the effort of trying to keep himself together. Shit. What had he said wrong?

"Sousuke?" Gin called again. He kept his voice quiet, soft, gentle. The way one might when approaching a wounded startled animal on the Rukongai streets. It was the tone he reserved for Tsuku and Cherry, whenever they were hurt or sick. The last time he'd used it was when Cherry had gotten into the rose bushes chasing her ball and come out with thorns in her paw, yelping and squealing and just breaking his heart until he'd caught her and made Sousuke sit and hold her while he went to work with the tweezers. Or rather, when he'd shoved cherry into Sousuke's arms and frantically set to work with the tweezers to stop his baby fox hurting.

"What's wrong?"

That's when he hears it. The small, broken sound of a sob leaving Sousuke's body. The anger and hurt instantly melted away, replaced by shock, confusion and sympathy. Of course he understood perfectly why Aizen had pulled such a bullshit move, what he couldn't figure out was what was wrong and wracked his brain, at a loss for an answer. Only able to sit and stare, completely dumbfounded. His mind trying to process all of this.

Sousuke... was crying? Gin shook his head slightly. No, no he couldn't be. Sousuke never cried. Never. At least not in front of him. Was this even real? Was this really happening right now?

Gin's mind reeled. Yes, it had to be real. The scene didn't have the look of Kyouka's illusion ability about it, with the minutely fuzzy edges only he seemed to be able to see up close. And as far as he knew Aizen didn't have the skill to create illusions within illusions.

Gin's hand went to his chest, his own heart. Feeling it crash wildly inside of him. A wild animal desperate to escape the cage of his ribs. Yes, even the painful lurching, twisting, hollow feeling in his chest only confirmed his suspicions that it was real. That this was actually happening right now.

Oh gods, Gin thought, mind scrambling for solutions. Suddenly feeling young and small again, and dreadfully unequipped to cope with this. What did I do wrong? I said that ta be honest, to make him happy. I didn' want this! What should I do? He's never cried in front of me before. I wish he'd tell me what's wrong and how I can fix this.

He waited for Shinsou to step in, to tell him what to do. But he got nothing. He was about to call the zanpaktou every foul name under the sun and cuss until he ran out of cuss words, until he remembered Shinsou once told him that some things even zanpaktou were forbidden to interfere with. He supposed this had to be one of those things, since usually he couldn't get Shinsou to shut up.

He was on his own with this.

Gin inhaled deeply and sighed, the sound soft and quiet as he tried to work out why this was happening. He knew that chessplay had marred and tainted the majority of their courtship and subsequent marriage but... was his partner, lover of chessgames and master of manipulating people, really so starved of affection that his declaration of love and undying loyalty made the man simply come undone? Made the mask crack and disintegrate so completely? Made the facade crumble to nothing but dust?

The answer was like a slap in the face when it hit him. All those times the man had gotten so ridiculously excited over the little things, like when Gin complimented his fingers the first time they'd hand hands. Gin's joy at receiving his personal flower language dictionary. The smile at receiving the white poplar and peppermint, 'in time my feelings will warm to you'. The lilacs he'd received expressing Gin's 'first emotions of love'. The giddy, stupid grin seen for only a few seconds before the mask slipped back into place again, when Gin declared he wanted to pursue a serious relationship with him.

A thousand moments like this played across Gin's memory, each one further driving the reality home like a knife in his chest. It made his heart ache when he realized at the time he'd been so concerned about keeping up with Aizen's chessplay he hadn't even seen it. And goddamn, did he feel stupid. Because if only he'd been more open to loving him in the first place, actually listened to what Shinsou and Ran were trying to tell him, he might not be sitting here watching the man he loved cry over something that should have made him happy.

"Oh, Sousuke." Gin said softly, the pain and pity and longing in his voice audible to even his own ears. Horror slowly crept into his tangle of thoughts as he wondered what else he'd missed trying to play up to his partner's level.

Aizen fought hard to remain silent, letting relief flood through his veins, laying there like an addict getting his next fix. The pain he'd bourne in silence for the past weeks finally easing and melting away. He should have been happy. Gin had just killed his fears and practically confessed true loyalty and undying love for him, he should have been ecstatic, catatonic with joy. But no. Instead he was lying there trying his damndest to not break down and cry like a child. Something which – to his utter shame – he was failing miserably at. And all because after days and weeks and months of self-imposed solitary confinement, isolation, fear, and a voice in his head cackling and saying that Gin would – should – leave him to rot alone in the Hollow world, or even better, rot in this room, Gin went and said something like this. Professed love and desire to follow him into the pit of hell if it meant staying by his side.

I wanna live with ya, an' die with ya, an' everythin' with ya.

Such simple, honest words. Yet they'd snapped his last defences like twigs. And he'd panicked. So he did what he'd always done and tried to mask it. Because it was easier, much easier, to throw out illusion and falseness than face any real emotions he might be feeling. Because it was better than risking rejection, hurt, or showing a weakness he couldn't afford to show. Not with the threats looming over him. And certainly not with the threats hovering too close to Gin for comfort, either.

Though he should've known Gin would see right through him. He always had.

He squeezed his eyes shut, as tightly closed as he could get them, in an attempt to stop tears flowing. Though it was futile. The first one rolled down his temple and from somewhere close by he heard Gin sigh softly.

"Oh, Sousuke."

If he weren't expending all his energy on trying not to fall apart, he'd have frowned at this. Gin's voice had the same tone one would use when speaking to a wounded animal. The tone he saved for Cherry whenever she was injured or sick. A memory sparked in his mind then, of Gin grabbing a squealing, yelping Cherry by the scruff out of the bush she was hiding in and soothing the fox in his arms.

Shh baby, s'okay... we'll get them nasty rose thorns out yer paws...

As if bursting into tears wasn't humiliating enough, Gin had to use that tone. The one with all the hurt and heartache in it because someone he loved was in pain. He risked a glance at Gin's face between his fingers and immediately wished he hadn't, because there was nothing but pity and concern in those lovely red eyes.

Shit. No, he didn't want pity. Didn't need pity. Didn't need-

The feeling of Gin's hand, warm on his own over his eyes, derailed his train of thought.

"Don' cry." Gin pleaded, "Don't."

But it was too late. He couldn't stop even though he wanted to. The floodgates were open and they weren't shutting for anyone or anything. There would be no stopping the pathetic sobs or tears forcing their way out of him. No stopping the feeling of his throat sinking so he was left gasping for air between choked sobs.

"I said that ta make you happy." Gin told him, voice gentle and affectionate. "Yer not s'pposed ta cry, ya dummy."

You think I don't fucking know that, Aizen thought, his throat too constricted to speak. Fuck it, he'd meant to reassure Gin not... he tried to take in a deep breath. Failed. This was not the way you acted when you wanted someone to follow you to hell. More importantly it was not how you acted when someone declared their loyalty and undying love for you. Yet this time try as he might he couldn't seem to reign himself in. This one time when he so desperately needed to.

"Please, don't cry, Sou..." Gin called again, voice wavering now. Reduced to begging for the tears to stop. "Please..."

Fucking perfect. Now Gin was on the verge of tears too. This was not what he'd intended at all. Gods. Why did he have to go and fuck everything up? He never meant to hurt Gin.

But you did. The voice sneered at him, you did. It was screeching loud, drowning out all other thoughts until only it remained inside him. You fucking did. That's all you ever do, isn't it? Hurt him and make him cry.

He clenched his jaw tight. Determined not to listen. But the voice was loud, too loud to drown out. And it was impossible to not listen.

Mad insane fool, you think you can drown me out? You've been trying to do that for DECADES without success. Trying to kill me off. You're just a coward, the voice spat at him, not wanting to face up to what you've done. Making Gin cry like that...

Aizen swallowed the bile rising in his throat. Shame and disgust were not strong enough words for how he felt about himself. The tears flowed faster, in turn deepening those feelings.

That's right. The voice continued, reveling in his anguish. You did this. You. This was your work. You don't deserve him. Never have never will.

I don't know what he sees in a fool like you. Someone who just hurts him. Makes him cry. Weak bitch, selfish whore. You're just like that slut Momo...

She was a stupid deluded fool, too.

You know you don't deserve him. He deserves better. Much better than you. SO much better than you... in fact, you should just make him go away so he can find someone better. Someone who really loves him...

He drew a shaky breath one hand fisting unconsciously in his hair, why would the voice not SHUT UP?!

Gin reached out for him tentatively, but he knew if Gin touched him what little composure and dignity he had left would die.

This was your work, Sousuke.

Aizen recoiled. "No! S-stop it! I'm not...I d-don't need y-our con-cond-condecension. I don't-deserve you," he snarled. Well, he tried to snarl, it didn't really work when his goddamn voice cracked on every other word like fucking Momo's. That thought brought another wave of pain crashing down with it and he rolled away from Gin, unable to choke back a harsh sob. Weak bitch, selfish whore, just like Momo indeed. The thing was she'd been a passive player, a victim, the one thing he'd sold his fucking soul to never be. He chose this, he had no right to be breaking down. Not in front of Gin. Especially not in front of Gin. It was disgusting. His body, like his voice, seemed to disagree reducing him to trying to suppress the sound, biting his lip the taste of salt bitter and humiliating as his body shook with sobs.

Gin flinched back. The words stung. Stung him in only the way Sousuke could. And again, Gin felt hurt and anger well up inside him.

I don't deserve you.

"You shut yer face." he snapped. Instantly regretting it. He was supposed to be gentle and comforting, not biting his partner's face off. Gentleness, he reminded himself, trying to reign in his anger.

Aizen, however, seemed bent on enraging him. "But I don't." he choked out pitifully. "Not after Momo, not after..."

Gin felt like he'd been shot in the chest again. Momo? He was bringing her up now? Why? He thought they were past this. They were supposed to be past this. Why weren't they past this?

Gin's hand went to his chest, where the hollow feeling inside him lay.

Momo...

He gasped for air, forcing himself to breathe through the pain in his chest at the mere mention of her name.

It had taken seven long years to repair the damage done by that woman. Nearly a decade to get back to were they were and heal over. To get back their emotional and physical intimacy. It had taken Gin so much time and work and effort and energy, and it had tested the limits of his patience, to pull what they had out from the wreckage and rebuild it.

Gin had even swallowed all of his pride and made that first step, something that had taken a lot to do. Because in the beginning, he'd been too hurt and angry to let Sousuke even make him a cup of tea. He often let them go cold on the sideboard or the table, choosing instead to make his own tea. A thing he knew he'd have to get past, if he had any hope of a future together.

Sousuke... can you make me a cup of tea? He'd asked, making that first step.

It was one of the most difficult things he'd done in his life. But he did it. He did it because just the possibility of a life without Sousuke in it was unbearable. Because he didn't think he could go on living without him. Because those first few weeks apart had been agony, and he didn't want them to stretch into months, or years, or decades.

Why could Sousuke not see that?

Was he really so fucking blind?!

The words echoed inside him again, I don't deserve you. Sticking like a knife inside him. And something inside him just snapped. "No! I won't hear it!"

"But-" The man forced another protest out, but it was strangled by another sob, another need to breathe in air. Gin saw his chance.

"No!" he snarled. Deciding to screw his earlier motions of gentleness, because the man needed a good hard slap to wake him up. He needed his eyes opened to what was right in front of him. Gin's hand grabbed Aizen's wrist and wrenched his hand off his face, uncovering his eyes so he could stare down into them. He almost lost his resolve as he did so. Aizen, fucking Aizen-taichou, manipulator extraordinaire, the player, his sun, tears streaking his reddened face, bloodshot eyes unable to meet his own for the first time in his memory. He looked so exposed and sympathy filled Gin but, he shook it away, this needed to be said and more importantly Aizen needed to hear it.

"Now you listen to me, you little shit," Gin ground out, trying not to let his voice give away just how much he'd been shaken up by this. How devastated. From the corner of his eye he saw Sousuke raise his other hand to re-cover his eyes, but Gin's other hand caught his wrist and pinned it with the other above his head. Forcing his lover to look at him. "Do ya know how much it hurts me when ya say stuff like that?" he asked. Voice shaking with anger and the effort it took just to hold himself together. "I thought we were past this. Past her... but even ten years later ya still..."

Gin took a deep breath, to recompose both himself and his thoughts. To remind himself that spewing vitriol would get him no closer to reassuring the man. But it was hard, particularly when he was still so angry. He had to remind himself, too, that this person spewing these dark thoughts was not his sun. Someone had poisoned his mind. Something. And it was Gin's job to be the antidote.

"Aint my forgiveness enough? Aint my love enough? Who put this poison in yer head, that ya aint good enough? Who told you that lie?"

Cuz this aint you, Gin thought. This aint you at all. I'd ask who poisoned yer mind against me like this, drag the answer outta ya, but I know already. I know too well...

The thought made his breath catch in his throat and ice roll down his spine, chilling his whole body.

But... he also knew they were meant to battle that darkness together. United. He knew they were supposed to support each other. That was what had him so enraged, so hurt. Because if they couldn't even do that, what was the point? Things didn't get this bad overnight yet he hadn't had a clue, still didn't really know where any of it was coming from. If they couldn't even be honest with each other, what was the damn point of even being together?

Because weren't marriages meant to be based on love, mutual support, and trust? Three things that, without, any relationship would wither and die?

"I love ya." Gin told him, the anger in his voice ebbing away now. "Always have. But not the mask."

Gin paused for breath, and to try and line up his thoughts.

Ya were a beautiful man, but that weren't what I wanted...

I wanted the real you. The one I still love to this very day. I wish I could say this to you now but I know my words'll just get lost...

But I gotta try an' say em anyway.

I just hope they'll get through ta you. That you'll listen. That yer mind's not been poisoned too badly.

Cuz if we can't even be honest, if ya can't even move past this self blame, we'll just be pulled down by the undertow. Torn into bits. Be irretrievable.

"I love the you that you keep locked away. I love the real you... the version of you ya always tried too hard to not lemme see. The you I caught random glimpses of, whenever that damn mask ya wore slipped down, and ya let me see ya – really see ya - before ya put it back up again."

A thousand scenes played in Gin's memory again, all his glimpses of the real Aizen Sousuke. Glimpses that, unbeknown to the older man, had only endeared him to Gin. Quite the opposite to how Sousuke perceived the slippings of his mask to be seen. It only saddened Gin now, knowing this. Knowing that Sousuke still felt he had to keep up the pretence, the mask. "But you dun know..." Gin added quietly, head bowed low, voice thick with defeat and a constricting throat. "Ya've never known... cuz yer stupid and a fool and..."

Gin could feel tears pricking the corners of his eyes now. And he hoped fervently, prayed to every god he knew of, that his words would get through to the man, that they could say what was in his heart. Hoped they expressed just how stupid he felt at not seeing everything from the start. Not being able to separate truth from the face – the mask - he showed the world. For being too absorbed in stupid chess games to realise. Hoping beyond hope that his point wouldn't get too lost.

"An idiot and..."

Gin felt his throat constrict and constrict until he had to let a sob escape him. Shit. No. He wasn't meant to start crying. He was supposed to be laying his feelings bare, being reassuring, professing his undying love. Crying wasn't supposed to be included in that list. He felt the tension in his throat slacken with the first sob and inhaled a deep shaky breath.

"Can't see jus' 'ow much I love ya. For better or worse."

Gin laid his body down and relinquished his partner's wrists, burying his face into his lover's neck. If only so he wouldn't see the tears. The memory of their wedding day – night – playing on the underside of his eyelids in vivid colour.

"But how'm I supposed to love you when you put such a wall between us? Momo doesn't matter. She don' matter anymore. Can't ya see that?"

Aizen lay there, only able to listen to Gin pouring his heart out to him, the only antidote to the poisonous, vitriolic voice inside his head.

"Sousuke. I love you. Why can't you fuckin see that?"

Gods, there was so much he wanted to say to that. To his moon. But all the words he wanted to say jammed in his throat, stuck in a bottleneck. Trapped in his constricting throat and caught between choking sobs.

For better or worse. A promise they'd made when they married.

So instead he let his hands reach out, searching for contact. Let his arms pull his Gin close to him. Crushing the smaller man into his body, his arms, his embrace.

There was so much he wanted to say. So much that just got stuck in his throat. He just hoped his arms and his warmth would be enough until he could choke out words.

In time Aizen's breathing evened out and the shaking ceased. Reluctantly he released one arm to wipe his face and regain a little composure while his other remained latched on tight. Gin remained thankfully silent for another minute before speaking.

"So what did it say? Cus you know we're past that," he asked bitterly. God how he hated that darkness, what it did to Gin. Silence, "Sousuke?" he prompted, warning in his voice.

Aizen answered his voice raspy but, firm, "The usual, darkness, solitude, the hollow world," he said letting go of Gin on account of the absurd urge he had to lay his head on the moon and pour his heart out, but the knowledge that he'd say too much stopped him. If he acted on that impulse, they'd both pay for that with the swords of Damocles still swinging over their heads.

Gin watched him confusion clear in his eyes. "Same as the last two-hundred years. What changed?"

Aw go on, Kyouka whispered, you already tipped your hand. Snarky little sword-spirit, disgust rose in his chest as he whispered, "I'm scared."

"Whad'ya say?" Gin asked moving closer. Anger at the voice, the fact that he'd listened, Kyouka's snarking, even his own reaction hit a boil and he whirled on Gin.

"I said I'm fucking scared that's the difference. Are you getting a good laugh out of it?" he asked glaring at Gin.

"O-of course not! What the fuck?" Gin said yelled in shock at the accusation. Aizen continued glaring disbelieving. Gin realized he was smiling. Shit. "God Sousuke…It's just whatcha saying…Ah've bin' thinking the same shit fer…god, weeks. Ah didn' think ya'd understand," he explained feeling his eyes burn but, meeting Aizen's gaze unflinching hoping that it would soothe his pride a bit. Aizen sagged as the fight seemed to leave him as quick as it'd come.

He turned away swiping a sleeve over his eyes, "Damnit."

Gin watched his partner, his sun covered in clouds. Trying to think of a way to say it was okay without sounding patronizing. He was still contemplating it when Aizen walked a few steps away, retrieved a shogi set from under the futon and returned to him.

"Care to play?" he asked in a playful tone. It sounded painfully forced to Gin's ear, practically begging for normalcy, familiar ground. He wasn't sure if it hurt more to see the man nothing ever touched torn apart or that he still felt the need to keep up pretenses for all he was worth. Gin wouldn't have, on plenty of occasions hadn't, but that was a question for another time.

"Sure," he replied because it was the only acceptable response. He sat down wondering why Aizen was so hesitant to accept his support, remembering how he'd reacted when Gin had seen the illusion of his corpse and lost it. He felt anger rising inside him again. Why wasn't he allowed to return the damn favor? For fucks sake, the man was his goddamn sun, and it upset him when the storm clouds gathered and stopped his sun from shining.

Best not say that though. He might burst into tears again.

But still, Gin wished he had the eloquence to brush said storm clouds away in such a way that wouldn't wound the man's pride. No doubt he was ashamed of coming so completely undone, and the last thing Gin wanted was to put his foot in it.

Gin observed his partner as they played. It was obvious he still felt raw, everything from his posture, treating the threadbare futon like a throne to his haughty almost formal speech screamed everything's fine don't look too close. Always the illusionist. The problem was he hadn't just looked past the façade he'd seen it crumble to dust. Gin watched him place a tile noted the tremors in his hand. He didn't want to make his sun feel any worse so he said nothing but in truth it'd scared him.

But his resolve to remain silent lasted all of five minutes. It was painful to watch. The trembling in his hands, the slight catch in his words, the tension in his muscles all made Gin's heart ache. Made him wish he could just embrace the man and squeeze all the pain out of him. Let him know it was alright to not be okay, because it was just Gin here to see it, and he wouldn't judge it harshly. Gin wished, fervently, that he could give Sousuke a feeling of warmth and safety he'd probably never had. The feeling Gin had grown to take for granted in the years since Momo. Having somehow overlooked the fact that his partner might need the same.

Guilt clawed at his insides, making it difficult to breathe. Shit. Somethin' else so obvious I missed cuz I was too busy keeping up with a stupid chess game. Somethin' else I gotta make up for.

But how could he say any of that without making his sun cry again? Because it did hurt, seeing him cry.

I guess now I know how he feels when I cry, he realised. But how can I let him know how dumb I feel, how guilty I am for missin' somethin' so important?

Gin was relieved when Shinsou whispered to him again, answering his questions after being so silent for so long.

Start small, he told Gin, let him know it's safe to express his true emotions with you. Just be gentle when you broach the subject.

Gin wanted to smile at his zanpaktou. For all his snarkiness, Shinsou could sometimes be very helpful. Though Gin didn't need to be told to exercise gentleness. This might require a bit of tact, though. Something Gin wasn't sure he'd be good at here. But he had to try.

"Sousuke," he began, keeping his tone gentle, voice soft. Chocolate eyes glanced up at him, there was no command nor arrogance there just a sort of silent desperation. It was just so…wrong. Gin swallowed, feeling ill, and he knew his next words had to count. "You don't have to pretend you're fine you know." he said softly, dropping the accent from his voice, letting love and honesty pour through it instead. "Not when it's just me here."

Sousuke sat looking at him for what felt like an age, and Gin swallowed and continued, filling the silence, trying not to let it show just how nervous he was. "Ya can pretend all ya want for those other jokers, but, I just want you to know you're safe to drop yer act with me. I love ya an' I sure aint gonna judge ya after losin' me shit seein' yer corpse."

Another moment of silence passed, and Gin placed his tile, trying to keep his own hand steady. "I just wanted to let you know that." he added quietly.

Aizen just sat staring at Gin for several moments, until he felt Kyouka nudging at the back of his mind.

Well? She prompted.

Well what? He asked.

Well say something! She exclaimed. He's just poured his heart out to you, you have to answer him.

Aizen sat and suppressed a frown. Snarky sword spirit. Was Shinsou like this? Were all zanpaktou like this? She was right, though. He did have to answer Gin. Particularly after that.

He opened his mouth to speak, but found no words forthcoming. What did one say when presented with a statement like that? What could he say when presented with a statement like that?

He didn't think he had the words.

"Gin, I..." he began, but he didn't have any more words. They were all jammed in the bottleneck of his throat still. Trapped inside him. He heard Kyouka's aggravated sigh at his incompetence, and lapsed back into silence. He just didn't have the words. Gin moved his gaze away from him back to the tiles they were playing with, and he felt another pang of guilt.

Gin, I'm sorry, I don't have the words.

Kyouka shook her head at him. You have your arms, she told him. You have a warm embrace. Use it.

Aizen sighed. Resisting the urge to roll his eyes. Fucking sarcastic sword spirit. Even though she was frustratingly right, as usual.

He listened to Gin's soft sigh as he gave up waiting for a response. "Your move, Sousuke."

Yes, Gin was right. It was his move.

So he got up, and he moved, crawling across the space towards Gin who was still staring intently at the board between them.

"Sousuke, I said it's your-" he began, only to be cut off when Aizen worked his arms around him and pulled him close. Pressing Gin's body into his own. He heard Gin fall silent, felt his heartbeat increase its pace.

"Oh." Gin said softly. Hesitating for just a moment, having been taken completely by surprise, by this sudden display of warmth, of affection – and for one insane moment, Aizen feared Gin might push him away - until Gin's brain caught up with him and his moon's body relaxed into his and those arms returned the embrace. Gin's entire being sinking willingly into it. He felt that familiar warmth spread through his chest again, permeating his whole body. He buried his face into Gin's neck again, inhaling Gin's scent deeply, fingers buried under silver hair. He trembled slightly, an aftershock of his mask crumbling so completely, of coming so completely undone. But the just the feel of Gin in his arms, the scent of Gin in his nostrils, and the slight discomfort of Gin's fingers against his spine from gripping onto his clothes so tightly gave him the strong, familiar feeling that all was right with the world as long as he had Gin. An ease and peace of mind he'd taken for granted before Momo, that he'd never take for granted again. A feeling of warmth, of safety, of knowledge he could express himself without being mocked or exploited, that Gin would support him come what may. The knowledge that Gin's words had come from somewhere real and true.

He felt the tension from before unknotting in his chest, felt his body truly relax for the first time in weeks.

He thought again of the voice. The darkness. The corrupted state of his mind and soul. Yes, his enemy might be invisible, and he might not know how to fight it, but Gin would help him. He knew that now. Wished he'd known it sooner.

He closed his eyes, sighed softly, and pulled Gin close.

"Thankyou, Gin." he whispered.

Took you long enough, his zanpaktou said, a haughty smugness coating her tone.

Fuck off, he told her, though his heart wasn't really in it because it was elsewhere.

Gin felt relief flood through him. His words had been heard. They hadn't fallen on deaf ears. Sousuke had listened to him. Finally, truly listened to him. Finally heard him, heard what he'd been trying to say for years. For decades. And he could feel all sorts of emotions well up inside him, filling his chest and his heart and spreading through his veins. A deep relief, deep love for Sousuke, a deep respect for how much it must have taken for Sousuke to listen and drop all pretences, even if it was just in this room.

"Sousuke..." Gin choked out. Though he didn't trust his voice enough to say any more. He might just break down again. Though he knew if he did, they'd be tears of sheer relief this time.

Though he knew they'd just had a talk they needed to have. A talk that had been a long time coming. That they'd needed to have this out so they could truly begin to move on from the affair. And gods knew there'd been enough guilt and blame and hurt on both sides - things that needed to be acknowledged and addressed before they could heal over from this. Sousuke needed to stop feeling guilty. And Gin knew he needed to stop blaming himself for missing things Sousuke hadn't wanted him to see at the time.

Gin hated that there were so many ugly sides of their relationship, that they'd had more trials than most. He'd even been envious of Kyoraku and Ukitake at one point – was still a little jealous in fact – of their openness and honesty with each other. He couldn't help but compare it to what he had with Sousuke. Because Gin was sure normal relationships weren't supposed to be like his; all chessplay and doubts.

And mistrust. Evident in the lavender he'd placed on Sousuke's desk so very long ago. A floral reply that undoubtedly stung.

You do know lavender means mistrust, yes?

Because if you had any doubt or mistrust about the feelings your significant other had for you, something was hideously wrong. If you had to fight so hard just to hear they loved you, then something wasn't right.

No relationship is perfect. Shinsou told him gently. But you're happy now,you've moved past those things now. Nothing else matters.

Gin held onto his lover as he chewed on that thought. Yes, they were happy. But he remembered too that at times, he'd even wondered what it was that had been holding them together. Particularly after the affair. And more recently, with all the fear of abandonment swirling about inside them.

You love each other. Shinsou told him, then. That's what's holding you together.

You need each other.

Gin clung to his sun more tightly as that new thought sank in. Yes. They did love each other. They did need each other. The last hour and that difficult conversation had proved that. Hell, the last decade even proved that. The fact that they'd worked through their problems over the last eight decades, that they'd survived Hinamori Momo, proved that. And the fact that he didn't have cold feet about defecting to the sunless waste anymore, wasn't afraid anymore, proved that too.